I have a lot in my head today, but the problem is I don't have a clue how to say it. I fear the truth and hide from it hoping that one day what I am pretending will actually be a reality.
What you ask? Motherhood. I'm not good at it. In fact, I struggle on a daily basis to face it each day knowing it's the one thing I don't do well. I know it can be learned, I mean that knowledge is the one thing that keeps me faking it. What I'm hoping deep down, somewhere, the more I try the better I will become, and the better I become the easier it will be and more natural it will feel.
It's times like this, however, that I just want to run and hide. Yes, I realize a lot of it is the crazy lady talking and my reality is out of sorts where nothing seems possible and my feelings overwhelm me. Adam is constantly reminding me of the good and showing it to me...them. My 3 little ones that I do desperately love that right now I feel I'm fighting to hold onto.
So for the last few days I've had a chant going through my head, "It can be done, I can do it". I am determined to make it so, even if at the end I realize I never understood it, at least I'll know I did everything I could.
sigh...
Oh how I bug myself that I keep struggling with the same stuff. I told Adam last night if I was dying and had two weeks to live I would have a good ending. I can do anything for two weeks, it's after that that things become fuzzy. So I apologize for the seemingly heavy post. It was not intended as such, it's just what's on my mind right now...my desire to be a good mother.
On a lighter note or maybe not quite....
Are you kidding me?
17 comments:
I think you do a great job, it constantly surprises me to hear that you struggle this much, when it just doesn't seem like it. I am glad you are open about it...am
Hi Amy... someone once told me that if you really want to become something... pretend that you already are. I think that just that fact that you want it so much will lead you there.
Oh yeah.. snow? Still? Unbelievable.
by the way, i think you are a wonderful mother. i also think every mother feels this way at one time or another. well most mothers, anyway. i love this quote:
"The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother—which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician." -Sydney J. Harris
being a mother is something we practice every day. after a while we learn some "pieces" quite a well and can play them beautifully. all the while practicing more of them. it's definitely a process.
Ah, Amy, I do understand you. It's why, when I read blogs written by women who seem to always put their children's needs first, and bask contently in the glory of being a mother, I cringe...feel jealous...feel inferior. I love my children. I want them, want to raise them, want to be exactly the kind of mother they deserve. But I know there are women who do it better. They do. And that's when it hurts. Because, someday, I think my kids are going to realize that too.
From my perspective, you are a great mother. You provide your children with opportunities to develop their talents, the freedom and means to play and create, and a stable family to protect them from the other stuff. You are doing it. You are a good mother.
oh we are tough on ourselves aren't we...your words could have come out of my mouth (well not so eloquently but still) but I frequently have to write it off as my desire to be perfect and to step back and to rethink what is important. Sometimes I have to forgive myself by reminding myself that I also want my daughter to see me having fun, doing things that make me happy, being in love, being strong, and that also means sometimes making mistakes and picking myself up and moving on.
I don't know what you are feeling, but I do know that I would feel really lucky to have such a fun, creative, beautiful, loving mom.
So, you may not love motherhood. I don't love working. Life kind of works that way I think.
Seriously, the weather was insane today and I passed right by your house on a school bus going and coming from the zoo with many first graders $%#@!.
Motherhood is often hard, cut yourself some slack, you do a great job!
Your post was so beautifully written. And the other comments were so inspiring. I struggle everyday with feelings of inadequacy. I think I may take Sherine's advice and try the "fake it till you make it" route. There is a reason those girls were sent to YOU. Because YOU are what they need. Not what other people do for their kids, but what YOU do for yours. I admire you.
Amy:
I love your posts and am a "lurker", but keep coming back to your blog for its real-ness.
We all feel inadequate. Sometimes I feel like I'm playing house with my kids. We're not BORN moms...we become them.
My mom always says, "fake it till' you make it!". You'd be surprised how many people feel the same!
liz.
Every mother feels this way. I know I do. Some days I feel like I have ignored my children all day and not given them the time that they needed and I feel guilty. Then nobody understands because on the surface I look like a wonderful mother. I have pictures of all the good times and none of the bad so to the outside world my life looks perfect. Remember that you are a good mother. I see it. Your children's bright eyes and smiling faces show it to me. Kids only want attention and love. Just give that to them and you are doing your best. Don't worry so much. Boy I think I am writing this comment to myself because this blog post spoke to me so much because I feel so much the way you posted. I don't know if we will every feel we are great mothers, but we should try to not be so hard on ourselves and just have fun and enjoy this time in our lives.
Oh so many things that I feel on a regular basis. I just never know how to so perfectly describe them. I completely get the two week thing and feel that way A LOT. Way too often.
I think feelings of guilt and inadequacy are part and parcel of motherhood. So many times I feel like I don't know how I was allowed to become the mother -- and I've been doing it for almost 13 years! And many's the day when I've wanted to run away and just not be the mother anymore. But that's the thing: there's no quitting this job. I think that's what makes it so hard. I also think that's what enables us to learn things we would not learn any other way. Courage!
I think the fact that you have such wonderful girls is such a testament to the fact that you are a good mom.
One of the things I have been realizing lately as I have struggled with motherhood & not doing it well is that Satan wants us to dwell on our feelings of inadequacy & think we can’t do it. Raising children is the most important work we will do in this life, of course we will struggle and make mistakes that is how we will learn to be better moms. The key is to keep struggling and trying to be better.
Thanks for reminding me that it isn’t just me that feels this way.
Thank you for this post. I've been thinking a lot of the same things lately and it's such a relief to know that other mothers feel this way, other mothers that I view as good mothers...
I'm gonna try to fake it 'til I make it. Seems like good advice, kind of like the way smiling even when you're not happy tends to make you happier.
Thanks again!
My mantra lately has been "motherhood is hard and I can do hard things."
I think we all feel like impostors sometimes.
I said the same thing about the snow. And we go from summer weather yesterday to winter again tomorrow. What ever happened to spring?
I was really shocked to read your feelings about your abilities as a mother because I think you are a super mother! Please don't be bothered with these feelings any more and know that you are doing a great job!
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