I'm not sure how I feel about Monday holidays

I use to really enjoy them, having Adam home and doing something different than the normal Monday routine, but now I find myself knee deep with stuff to do because it's already half way through the week. I really can't complain I mean instead of doing what I need to do I'm busy doing stuff I've been wanting to for a long time now. It's my own fault for being so behind.

Another thing I feel so behind in is blogging. So much to tell and so little time it seems.

I still want to share with you a little about Tess and her birthday and how much fun memorial day was.


One of the things I made time for yesterday and probably shouldn't was this art display project for my girls that I've wanted to do for a year and a half now. A little late in the year I know, seeing how school is just getting out, but I'm sure we'll do a lot of summer art. I saw the idea in a magazine and then actually in person on Crystalyn's wall. I'm happy with it though not so sure about the bow. I did it to hide the ugly long screws.

I also received some very thoughtful mail from Kim last week. The "A" and the book are so beautiful, but it was the words in her card that really got to me. It's amazing to me that we can make such connections over the internet. What a blessing it has been.

Oh and I have some changes to share with you...still to come.

remembering

Memorial day is always a special time for me. I love to be able to share my memories with my girls and teach them about just how lucky we are to have the gift of eternal families. Today was one of those special times where I was able to go to the cemetery with my whole family (sans jeni...miss you).



I hope you all have a wonderful memorial day. We for one are celebrating a new 5 year old. It's her birthday tomorrow and she couldn't be more excited about it. She actually asked, "Mom, what does it feel like to be five." I guess she'll soon find out.

I'm set, but not quite ready

It came. The one thing that would potential keep me from going on my trip has arrived. It makes leaving that much more final and more of a reality.

I am going to Europe with Adam for 14 days. He surprised me with it even though we had talked about going on a cruise this year. We're going with some friends of ours to sail around the Mediterranean. We thought it would be a good way to see a lot of Europe quickly without having to worry about transportation. The only thing I'm not thrilled about is not getting to spend multiple days in one city, but if it's something I love, I know I'll be back.

We're visiting
Madrid, Spain
Barcelona, Spain
Nice, France
Florence/Pisa, Italy
Rome, Italy
Mykonos, Greece
Ephesus, Turkey
Santorini, Greece
Athens, Greece
Naples/Capri, Italy

I must admit I had several reservation about going in the beginning. It's so far away and I didn't know that I could leave my girls for so long. It's just so much to ask someone to do. Lucky for us Jill said she'd be willing to take our 3 and so I leave with total confidence.

Now I'm itching to go. I mean I can almost not wait I'm so excited to leave. The things I'm looking forward to the most are:

1) being with Adam for so long alone. I reminded him that we would be eating 42 meals without anyone complaining about the food...unheard of.

2) Finding myself in the cities, getting lost with my camera in the beautiful surroundings. Does it get any better than the sites of the ancient world?

3) The food. I cannot wait to taste each country.

So now that I have my passport I think I have everything I need. I think. Honestly if you have any advice for me for European travel or crusing please share. So far I've bought nothing for my trip. I heard Jenn say, in Paris at least, if you wear jeans you were a teenager. But what if I want to wear jeans? I think I also need to bring some sort of "formal" dress for the ship which I am not to happy with. Hmm. I think I have a lot of work to do. Please share any tips. I feel like I'm not ready at all.

she wrote

She was given an assignment at school to just starting writing about herself. Not to worry about mistakes, it was the first draft, just write freely about you. This is what she brought home.

"My name is Bella. I like to Play with figure toys. Figure toys are hard plastic people and animals. My birthday is March 24th. My favorite sport is swimming. When I was a baby one Sunday we were eating lunch. I was always tired so that day I put my head in my food. I am 7 years old now and I know better and I have 2 sisters and 0 brothers. It's very fun with no brothers. My family is the best family. My sister is curious about stuff. Her name is Tess M. She is the funniest sister I ever had. When I play with her she always wanted to be a person toy. She last night kept turning on the lights. My other sister is named Megan M. She is two years old and she is potty trained. She is also funny. My cousins are named Whitney and Landon. They are also funny. There are a lot of funny family members."

thinking, always thinking

I've been thinking about my girls. Do they know I love them? Are they getting what they need? Do they feel understood? Are they happy?


I've been thinking about Adam. Does he know how much I love him? Does he know I need/want him? Is he getting what he needs from me? What can I do better for us? Does he feel understood? Are we continuing to grow?

I've been thinking about me. Where am I now? Where am I headed? What's my purpose? Am I growing? Am I making changes? Am I living? Am I choosing to be happy? What could I do better? Am I too selfish? Am I helping others? Am I doing? Giving? What are my priorities?

Needless to say the last couple of weeks, the empty spaces that are filling my blog are due to my constant thoughts. The mere exhausting of unanswered questions keeps me away. Desperately wanting more from myself and getting so frustrating with my own tendencies. I know I'm a very strong woman which frustrates me because it seems like every time I go into battle it's the same battle I've been fighting for years.

I guess you could say I do this about every 3 months or so, evaluate my life and wonder where I stand. Am I really turning into the person I want to be? That's where the disappointment comes in. The woman I see is not the woman I know I should be or the woman I dream of becoming. I know it can't happen overnight. Life is a process full of steps and I'm no fool to think I will be where I want in one. I guess I'm disappointed to see myself fall off the path or stop progressing completely. I know there is much more inside me. More work. More pleasure. More growth. More love.

Yesterday while at stake conference I received my answer, a confirmation to the thoughts I've been having. The stake president said (and I paraphrase), "It is in this world, our earthly life, that we have the chance to change ourselves and help others do the same. To improve upon the person we are and build our character. As said in Alma 41, in the next life we will be restored to the person that we are today, good for good, evil for evil. It is now that we must develop and form our character while we have the opportunity to do so. Are we truly becoming new and sanctified creations this gospel plan is design to help us become?"

Powerful words that really hit home to me, especially yesterday with so much on my mind concerning where I am, how much I have or have not grown and what more I need to do. It's the dauntingness (don't think I can say that) of the task that always makes it harder for me to get up in the morning. Knowing that the goal is so far ahead that it's almost impossible to reach becomes the focus instead of the goal. My tendencies, my battle is giving up before I've even tried. 5pm yesterday I won that battle. Try I must. Try I will. And although I know I'll be here again, I know I will be one step closer to the goal because I took that step.

mail randomness

Can I tell you how long I've been waiting for this...a little over ten years. To be honest I never thought this day would come. An IKEA in my city virtually unbelievable. Well it's happening and it's all I can do to keep myself from going to the grand opening. I know it will be crazy so I'll wait just a bit before I take the plunge.


Some thoughtful mail to report. Natash thanks for the darling mother's day gift. Totally made week last week. Tasha thanks for thinking of me and sending me the book "Twelve Sisters". Looking forward to reading it. Crystalyn thank you for sending me a decorated "a" to go with my collection of a's and a sm frame of the photos I had taken. Love the reminder.

Also thank you to Melanie for the awesome mother's day quote. I loved it. It's such a great reminder to me I have it in my kitchen so I can see it often.

Ladies thank you so much. I know that just doesn't seem like enough for the joy it brought into my life the last few days, but what a difference it makes to know someone has thought about you.

back from a break

I was lucky to get a quick weekend getaway to St. George to visit my parents newly built house. It was a quick few days, but I felt like I got a lot of good quality family time.
Swimming.
Golfing (boys). Enjoying breakfast outside in the warmish morning air with my girls on mother's day (yes, I let dad sleep in so he wouldn't be tired driving home).
Tea parties. Good conversation while watching the sunset fade, not to forget the 8 hours in the car.

Really it was exactly what I needed to replenish my spirit, but didn't know it until driving home yesterday when I knew I was ready to get back into the rush of life.

I am still in a daze that school ends in a mere 3 weeks. Not to mention a birthday on the way for my 4 turning 5 year old. Oh yeah and a big European trip to get ready for. Life does move to fast. I remember a time I couldn't wait for this crazy time to pass and as I've been packing up all the winter cloths and getting ready for the summer today I just want it to slow down a bit so I can soak it all up. I don't feel I've done that great a job enjoying the craziness the last 7 years, but I am determined to make the rest of 2007 move at a gentle pace.

clear blue sky

Life is good.

I have nothing to complain about, well, I guess I can think of a few things.

But despite trying to be optimistic I have had a very rough week. The kind where I don't quite feel myself. Like I'm in some type of time warp and I can't get myself back to the here and now. It has been really hard on me and I find myself in pensive state.

And when I feel this way I pull away. I hide. Retreat. I can't deal with myself and the world seems so much more daunting. I have thought many times about blogging, but what does complaining do? I didn't want to feel validated I wanted to feel myself, to get to that point I felt good again, where I felt I was giving instead of pulling others down with me.

Today I can see the light. I never know where comes or how it goes, but how grateful I am when it leaves me. I attribute a lot of my changing state to the friends who have contacted me in the last few days, who have given me something with each interaction. I was reading the January ensign yesterday about service and how allowing others to serve you is Heavenly Father's way of helping you. I had never really thought about it that way, but it makes so much sense. To someone like me who resists help, thinking surely I can do it without, just realized I was resisting the answers I was seeking. So thank you to those who have taken your time for me. For offering whether I took you up on it or not. It has meant more to me than you will know.

So here is to better days. For happy days. For rainbows and clear blue skies. To good light and air conditioned homes. Here's to life and to good friends.

full heart

I have a full heart today, and for no particular reason. This week I have been alone a lot, alone in my thoughts, and have had a lot to think about. I took this photo while in San Diego last week. I remember this particular flower catching my eye growing among hundreds of already bloomed flowers. It had no reason in the world to be confident and yet when I saw it it oozed confidence to me. That despite the fact that it was still in a vulnerable place it knew it would one day bloom and be just as beautiful as the rest.

As I look at this photo again I remind myself of just how beautiful we all are and how much we have to offer each other in this life. No matter where we find ourselves we all have something valuable to share that each of us can benefit from.

Today I feel grateful, loved, blessed for the amazing individuals in my life...for sharing themselves and giving me a safe place to be me.

blue glow

Monday night after FHE while Adam was walking on the tredmill I saw this...

My three littles with the blue glow of the tv watching a movie surprisingly eating a healthy snack...carrots.

It makes me so happy to see them this way together being quiet enjoying each other.

San Diego was purely an Amy trip :)

Something I hadn't done for at least 10 years. I can't tell you how good it felt to do something for me for once. My purpose for the outing was to attend a photography workshop. It was absolutely amazing and everything I hoped it would be. It wasn't so much about technique as it was about who I am as a photographer and my style. I feel really lucky I was able to go and participate with such amazing photographers. I learned a lot from them and was amazed we all had some of the same insecurities. Baffling to see such awesome work wrapped around self doubt. I guess we all have our moments. I came away with more confidence and a better sense of what I'm communicating through my art. It was amazing.

We had a couple of days to shoot with models so just thought I would share a few of my favorites. I loved working with these darling girls.

spt - treasure

When I first read Lelly's post my first thought was of my family and particularly my relationship with my husband. I treasure what we have. What we have created together. Man I feel like a lucky girl to have him. Of course that's not the size of a deck of cards, in fact it doesn't have a size at all.

Last month I talked about my favorite necklace here and what it means to me so I've racked my brain as to what I treasure...something tangible, something small.

Ok I'm breaking the rules again. I know it's not that small, but it could be, mine just doesn't happen to be. My camera is something I treasure. Most often than not I walk around taking pictures of the world I see. I picture things in my mind and want to recreate it. How awesome that we have a device that will capture life and allow us to hold on to those moments forever. My photography is something I need...truly need each and ever day. I guess you could say that's the sole reason I don't want to go into business. I don't want to loose what I have found and fear others expectations will take that away from me. Photography is my art. An expression of myself. It's capturing that perfect moment and seeing me, the real me in my creation. It's not what others want, it's what I see and how I feel. I'm sure I could live without it (if I absolutely had to), but quite honestly I don't ever want to try.