I have a doctors appointment today.

I know you will probably think I am crazy, but I am actually looking forward to it. I enjoying knowing that all is well. That I am OK. That my health is good.

You see I am sort of a hypochondriac. I can admit it. I have debated whether or not to keep a journal to document what sickness I have come up with for the day. I know it sounds crazy...well it is crazy, but the symtoms are so real. Plus it doesn't help that you can read all about symptoms online at WebMD because it fuels the fire. Here is an article discussing that very thing.

Honestly I don't know where it comes from. I use to think it was a result of my issues with death, but the more I thought about it I realized I felt this way as a child. I remember watching a "Punky Brewster" episode where she gets her appendix out. Then one day I had a really bad pain in my side. I kept remembering the episode and wondering if that's what was going on with me. I was terrified, but I never told anyone. It is just something that I have lived with. Whether or not it has to do with something external, like it manifesting itself more when I have more stresses in my life, I don't know. This is why i have considered documenting it.

Anyway, I really see my problem in a light hearted manner and now Adam and I joke about it all the time. Like what aliment I encounter on any given night. Honestly, it is hard for me to know what to believe and not to believe. It's almost like I don't trust myself anymore. The only thing that seems to calm me down is prayer. If the Lord answers my prayer with peace and comfort I don't worry. If not I usually will go to the doctor to get it checked out. Suffice to say, I have not gone to the doctors that much.


So this is why I am glad to go today. I am sure to have a good week with no aliments at all.

gift bags

I had been trying to come up with a good gift to give Bella's kindergarten teacher. I like her a lot. I think she's a great teacher and has been really good to Bella. So I decided to make her a personalized bag. Inspired by (now I know) the fabulously talented Kristi.

Bella picked out the fabric, she said her teacher loves butterflies, and Kathy my busy mother-in-law was willing to embroider the name for me. Anyway, Saturday night after all the craziness I was able to sit down and finish it. Not only was I able to finish the bag for Mrs. White, but I was able to make one for myself. I have for sometime wanted to make another one for me and when I saw the polka-dot fabric at Joanns I couldn't resist.

I wish I sewed more; however, when I get into these kind of projects I know why I only sew what I do. It takes so much time and then there's the unpicking that it drives me nuts. Kristi I could sure use a few pointers is you don't mind sharing with me on Friday.

I am glad that I took the time and made them. I love the way they turned out. Especially mine. It makes me very happy.

remembering

Memorial day takes on a whole new meaning when you actually have someone to visit. It is something that took a while to get use to. Something I fought for a long time. Now I find peace in it. I enjoy going and reflecting. Remembering what part my brother had in my life.

I love being able to take my girls. To show and talk to them about who my brother was. It's a hard concept for both Bella and Tess to grasp and it doesn't help that they also have a cousin named after Alan, so it is best when they can visualize. It has been weird to think this all happened before they were born and quite possibly they meet him before coming to earth. I like the thought of that. That he is not a stranger to them.















The Lord's plan is very beautiful and comforting. I am grateful for it everyday. More so today than ever.

She's four!

It is hard to imagine that my Tess is four now. She has always been such a fun delightful little girl that I have dreaded the thought of her growing up. I think if I could I would keep her young forever. She just cracks me up all day and I so enjoy the fact that she loves to spend time with me...and tells me so. Though I'm looking forward to the woman she'll become and the relationship we'll have, she sure is great the way she is now. So in honor of her birthday I will give you an insight into her personality. If nothing else for me so I won't forget.

1. We call her the "ninja assassin" because she sneaks around and you don't
   know she's there until you see this tiny shadow or 2 eyes looking at you. It's
   frightening.
2. She's not very good at saying please and tells you so..."mom, I always
   forget the please".
3. She has a very adorable lisp.
4. In front of others she gets really shy, especially if it something she
   really likes.
5. She guards her emotions close inside. What I mean by this is she will
   only let you know she is upset if she wants you to know.
6. She loves hugs/affection and gives them freely.
7. She is very genuine with her emotions. She's really in touch with how she is
   feeling.
8. She's into fashion. So of course she has a huge opinion about what she wears
   and how to do her hair.
9. She loves to draw.
10. She already talks about death and how she does not want it to happen. I
    can't help thinking this is my fault.
11. She has these beautiful golden brown eyes.
12. She's left handed.
13. She does not like to be alone. Tells me almost everyday, "I just want to be
    where you are."
14. She's a very curious little girl and asks tons of questions.
15. When she wrote on the wall and choose to pay for the clean up with toys she
    said, "but not the toys I like to play with".
16. Loves to watch the birds outside, but terrified of flying bugs.
17. She love dancing and is excited to take dance lessons.
18. She has a very hard time growing hair.
19. When she has experienced life's consequences she will not let you know she
    is upset. She will act like she could careless.
20. She loves being social. Loves playing with friends.
21. She hates the site of blood. I mean it really freaks her out. We have to have a bandaid on for the slightest cut.

Tess is a confident open little girl who already knows what she wants. She always keeps me guessing. Always keeps me laughing. Always puts a smile on my face. Always knows how to push my buttons. Always teaches me. Always makes me so grateful to know that she is mine.

Man, I love this girl.

the polk-a-dot party

I have to admit I am really grateful it's over. I enjoyed doing it, but its nice not having to worry about it. I am never very good at being in charge, especially when kids want to be entertained.

Here's the activites:

* Musical dots (instead of chairs)
* Bingo (info here)
* Nerd candy bracelets. I had initially found water bracelets using plastic piping, but Adam convinced me nerds was a better choice for kids. It's a fun thing to do even for achievement day girls. If interested check this site.






















It was a fun day. It was interesting to see how Tess reacted in this high pressure situation. She seems to bottle everything up. Didn't want to show how truly excited she was. All apart of how unique she is. You can see her in some of those photos trying to hide in her delight.

Thank you Jill for taking the photos. They are great.

I wasn't able to post this yesterday. It seems my blog is freaking out.

the day before

The day has been quite crazy. Not a bad day just a full day. I have lots of thing to accomplish before the big day tomorrow. I get irritated with myself that I leave everything to the last minute, but in reality I think I work best that way. Anyway, lucky for me I was able to get a couple of hours alone to run errands. So grateful to my mom who was able to take Bella and Megan while tess was at school. Now I am feeling much more prepared and just have to get to work putting everything together.

So I must admit birthday parties are not my favorite. I find them more stressful than fun. In fact until yesterday I have been dreading Tess' party for weeks now. What happened yesterday, well it just so happens I found a really great craft for the party and am now looking forward to it. Adam had a great idea to involve candy with the craft so the kids will probably love it more. Anyway, it makes all the difference when you find something fun to do. I suppose if I were better prepared I would love all parties. I am just grateful my attitude has changed. I will fill you in on the details tomorrow with pictures. Must not give away anything for the party goers.

I must be going. I have a lot of circles to punch and a game to make.

this girl of mine...

must be stopped.














For the last little while I have found miss megan in the pantry munching on whatever she can find. First she would sneak the cookies down at her level and then every now and then would go in and take a few. I figured out she was doing this when I noticed the cookies were on the lower shelf. So it seems this week she has upped-the-anti and gone for it. Now she just hides in the pantry and eats. When I have lost her the first place I go to is the pantry and she is usually there. I even found 2 binkies sitting on the lower shelf.

Yesterday morning adam and I were talking in the kitchen and we heard a strange crumbling sound coming from the pantry. She was in there door ajar with the lights off eating cookies. It is so hard not to laugh we you see this. She is very ashamed and repeats "sorry mommy" over and over with her hands over her eyes. We have found her with crackers, cookies, and chips. This morning I found her in there with an entire bag of chips. These pictures are from a few days ago when I found her in the pantry eating only the chocolate out of the EL fudge cookies.

Ok, so I am not fool. I do put these good things up higher, but for some reason (reasons I don't know yet) she has been able to get them anyway. I am lost for ideas of how to stop this, I mean I really do feed her all day long so I know she's not starving. I must say I really do get a kick out of it. When I find her in there it is this weird emotion of laughter and frustration. But lately it has turned more into frustration as I don't want this to be a habit. I am willing to give her what she wants I just don't want her trying to hide it. Any ideas?

She is looking so grown up to me.

I suppose she should since she's turning four on Sunday.

After I got her hair done and ready for her school program this morning I thought she looked so adorable that I bribed her with skittles to let me take some pictures. She is such a stinker when it comes to photos of her. I don't know why. I know she secretly loves being in from of the camera so it drives me nuts that she gives nothing but faces. I suppose it is better than nothing as I am grateful to be able to capture her personality and it is anything but proper.

"the five people you meet in heaven" by Mitch Albom

So I finished this book last week. Adam bought it for me knowing full well I don't do well with these kinds of books, you know the death ones, but I gave it a try anyway. He heard it was good and I thought maybe it would soften my heart to the topic.

It's a story about a man who dies and goes to heaven and meets 5 different people from his life. Some of them he knew well and others not at all. No matter how he knew them they were there because he affected them in some way. It sounds like a very interesting story, and it is, but I was disappointed that the author's points were not more dramatic or deep. Each of the 5 individuals were there to teach him a lesson...lessons that would help him understand his life on earth. It's just too bad, at least in my mind, that the lessons weren't powerful, but perhaps that's part of the lesson, they don't have to be.

Anyway with that said I am glad I read it. If nothing else it has wet my appitite to keep reading. But I did get something from it. No matter how plain and boring our life seems to us (to me) we are living and by doing so we are touching the lives of others around us. That was good for me to realize as my life does seem mundane and boring full of the same stuff day in and day out, but if nothing else there are 4 people I am in contact with every day that I have the power to affect. I pray each day I can do right by them. I pray each day I will be good to them. I pray each day their lives will be better because I am in it.

"the secret of heaven: that each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one."

you may not know this about me

I love wind chimes. I don't know when it started, but have always enjoyed a windy day when I can hear the sutble sounds in the background. It makes me very happy.

The home we bought had four of these wind chimes hanging in the backyard. They are rather ugly, but do the job perfectly. The big one in the middle (triangle looking one) is mine. Adam bought it for me years ago because it sounds like a fog horn (i love lighthouses too but that is for a different post). I just love the sound it give off. We just recently hung it up and I feel like it has made the arrangement complete. Each chime has its own sound and I dig that.

my stamps are finally out

So last Saturday after doing somethings for other people I decided to treat myself. I finally hung my stamp shelf. Yes, you heard my right, the whole thing all by myself. It's enormous, but fits and does the job. I suppose it just drove me nuts not having my stamps out and available. I just love the way it looks. My room is slowly coming along. Every time I make a change its harder and harder to leave.

a day to celebrate.

My sweet husband made me this card that I love. I always love the cards he makes for me. He also gave me the new Jewel CD which I have heard is good. I haven't had time to listen to the whole thing, but will give my review when I do. I feel so blessed to have such a wonderful husband that is willing to work with me and love me through it all. Love him dearly and couldn't do this life without him.

Here are the gifts from my dear sweet girls. Getting a homemade gift just couldn't get any better. I remember making things for my parents and being so thrilled to give it to them. I also was excited when I would go to my dad's office and see them on display. So receiving them now is such a treat.




from tess


























from megan








Mother's Day has always been the holiday where I reflect on how I am doing and what I could do better. All I will say now is I am pleased with my outlook on the coming year. I know what I need to do. I feel confident. Of course I am no fool. I know it is very hard...they sure can drive me nuts, but they constantly keep me laughing. Constantly keep me feeling loved. Constantly pushing me to be the best mother I can be. And that makes it all worth it.

Today has been full of all good things.

It's amazing what happens when you are ready to hear something. When you've allowed the spirit to touch your soul. Couldn't have had a better day so far and looking forward to spending sometime with my mother.

The YW lesson today was about individual worth, but more specifically about our purpose in life. We all have been brought to earth at this time for a reason. I have been thinking a lot about this as I feel like I may know what my true purpose is and have been fighting with myself about it do to my own selfishness. It feels good to surrender. To listen to my heart. Focus on the things that bring me happiness.

The "fun run"

The girls and I went and cheered Bella on at her school "fun run" today. I was not sure what to expect and wound up coming away with something I needed.

When I got there the kids had just started to line up and stretch out. Bella was very excited to do this and kept looking over and waving at us to make sure we knew where she was. I heard the teacher ask "so everyone's running?" Bella pipes up and says, "I'm just going to walk" (Poor girl missed school yesterday do to puking so she wasn't 100%. She had been telling me all morning that she just wanted to walk). They got in position and off they went. Bella started to run with all her peers, but fell quickly behind all the other girls. So there I was watching my little girl come around the corner waving at us with a big smile on her face & in dead last. We cheered her on clapping and screaming her name the entire time. With tears in my eyes I watch her cross the finish line. I had never been so proud of anyone at that moment. She was so thrilled and excited to be apart of it, it didn't even register to her that she was last place.

She taught me something this afternoon. Taught me a valuable lesson I needed to be reminded of today.

We are all beautiful children of God. We all have God given gifts. We all have God given talents. Talents that are all expressed in different ways. Some very publicly and some more subtle. Whatever the case we all have them for a reason and have been asked to use them. I am reminded of Jill's post today about how often we focus on what others have. What other's do. If only we could see inside ourselves and what we have to offer. Oh the things we could do if we got this simple concept. How lucky we are that we're all different individuals...that we can offer something to someone that perhaps they can't give to themself. How lucky we are that we have found this beautiful blog world to celebrate our lives and what makes us unique.

Although I am not very good at the mother thing I am grateful everyday for what my children teach me.

back on top!

1. Feeling really good this morning, but not pushing it too hard. I had a race (running) with Bella before she left for school and realized I am not all there. What was I thinking anyway?

2. Just got done finishing up Bella's Opera Scrapbook for her class. I am not that happy with it as I was limited on color printing, but for what I saw in the past it will workout perfectly. Just glad it is behind me now. (the photo to the left is the cover of the scrapbook Adam drew)

3. I think little tess maybe getting sick. What is this bug that Megan caught? UGH! She's napping now which is nice for me, but hoping when she wakes up she will be her cheery self. If anything at least I know it will only last 24 hours.

4 . Adam and I celebrated our 11th year anniversary to our first date in bed sick yesterday. Good times! At least we were together right? This photo was the very first photo taken of us by Jill. It is still one of my favorites.

5. I desperately want to get my stamps out in the open so I know what I have to work with. I think I may try to hang the shelves I had in my other studio on the wall eventhough I previously thought it was too big. It's just doesn't make sense not having them out.

Ok so that's it for now. I have loads of laundry to do, need to change my sheets, and a house to put back together. It's amazing what one day out of commission will do to our living space. DISASTER!!

I am so sick and I am not a very good sick person.

I woke up this morning around 5am and realized not everything was right. It is always a shocker when you realize the mere mention of getting out of bed is out of the question. Sadly enough Adam went to bed last night feeling really sick so the two of us laid in bed for almost half the day. He eventually had to get up and go to a couple of meetings around 3pm, but not me. I stayed there. Well I am still there. Only getting up to use the bathroom.


So what did my kids do. Well, Bella had her first lesson in really taking care of the other two. She got megan out of bed, got them breakfast etc. I suppose she didn't change the diapers, but imagine if she had. I was lucky I was able to call my neighbor to take bella to school and Tess just skipped school today. There was no way I was getting out to drive her or anyone anywhere.

So it seemed like things were under control...a bit I guess. The kids were doing good about giving me space, but would come in every now and then. Megan more than the other two always asking for food. Of course Bella had her time as well proclaiming in a wo is me voice, "we sure have watched a lot of TV today". I felt really bad for neglecting them, but number one I didn't want them to get it and two I was in no mood to care about how much they actually watched. I think it was literally all day. It happens.

So to end things, I just want to share with you my aliments so you can feel bad for me for just a moment:

I have the classic flu symptoms feeling like at any moment I am going to vomit.
My head is killing me.
I have chest pain.
I have the "jimmy" really bad so being in the bed is driving me crazy.
And I have severe cramps.

So there you have it folks and the only reason I feel I can joke about it is Adam has made a complete recovery in 24 hours so come 5am I should be feeling fabulous. Right?

Let's hope so.

I'm in this place.

A place I hate to be, but too often find myself.


I was listening to the song "that I would be good" by alanis morisette this evening. A song I feel in love with years ago when I first heard it. I was living downtown SLC at the time. Life was very different then, but strangely enough my feelings were not. I never thought I could be so complex and yet I struggle with "me" constantly. Struggle with who I am naturally and who I want to be. Perhaps it's my life long battle. The one I must endure. The one I must overcome in order to find peace.

This is for me.
A good reminder.
That no matter what.
I am me.
And "me" is beautiful.

this morning

So i hate waking up on Saturdays when I feel it's the one day of the week I can sleep in, but duty calls. There is a new young woman coming into the beehives and the tradition is to kidnap them, dress them up, and take them to breakfast. It was a lot of fun and was glad I was able to be apart of it. I was behind the scene mostly and took picture which the YW president was very grateful for. I loved doing it...being in the background. Seems so weird to me as I remember always wanting to be the life of the party. I am not sure if I was faking it then or if I truly enjoyed it, but these days I enjoy being in the back taking it all in.

my outing

Yesterday Lori and I went out for a few hours. We meet for lunch, a bit of shopping, and some talking. I really enjoy her company. She makes me laugh and I always feel happy after spending time with her.

I was thinking yesterday after we parted how grateful I am she moved in with us back in 2003. I most likely would not have known her like I do now. I must admit, I was a bit afraid she might judge me as I am nothing like her mother (the way she keeps her house), but was pleasantly surprised that what came from it was a great friendship.

This is what's going on in my house

and I'm not quite sure how to handle it. I need your help.

So today I walked down the hall leading to Megan's room where Bella and Tess had been playing to let them know lunch was ready. As I started to approach I could tell Bella was all too eager to get out and go eat lunch. So I probed a bit. Bella tried hard to say it, but couldn't get it out. Finally she said, "will you be mad?" I said "no just tell me". Then tess pop's up and said, "Megan did it!" Well I knew immediate that was not true because Megan had been with me, but before I could say anything Bella said to tess, "No! We did it" The offense was actually no big deal they twisted up a phone cord, but I was quite upset with Tess for lying. I looked at tess and said, "who did it"...she eventually said they both did.

And then again...The other day she lied about drawing all over one of my mats. It was quite obvious it was her, but she blamed it on Megan. I ask her to go to her room and think about who did it and when she was ready to be honest she could come out and tell me. So a while later she came to me and said, "Megan did it." I was shocked. I didn't even know what to do or say. I didn't yell or get mad I just stood them dumb struck that my plan didn't work. That she still came to me and lied to my face.

She has been doing this a lot lately. I am not sure how I should handle it. I do believe it is a stage, but stage or not lying is not accptable to Adam or I. SO what should I do? How should I handle it so she knows this kind of behavior is not allowed or so she knows not to do it again? I am lost. I try to tell her she will not get in trouble by telling me the truth. Apparently that has not worked.

HELP!

So I have been thinking today...

about the things in life that we love and make us happy. Primarily the things we do in life, we love and look forward to. My issue is why is the gospel not doing that for me.

Please let me explain myself.

I love my beliefs. I am grateful for the knowledge of it. I love everything about the gospel. The gift that I have it in my life. The promises I have been given. So why then, why does it become so difficult to do the things I am suppose to. I mean why does it become hard to go to church at times? Why does it become hard to go to my meetings? Why am I not so excited to get up and read the scriptures like I would a good book? I do what I am suppose to, but for that reason, because I am suppose to. When does it become what I look forward to? When do I do it because I want to? I feel stagnate. Like I am on a treadmill moving at the same pace and getting no where. I am tried of feeling like I am not progressing. Like I am the same person I was years ago.

Anyone else have these feelings at all to any degree or any thoughts on how I can push through this rock and a hard place.

so i went for it.

This evening after spending time with the family i went to my studio and played around. i used layout inspiration from others as i wasn't feeling that creative, but everything else is all me. it's the best way for me to get back into it.

i really enjoyed doing it and hope i will at least scrapbook once or twice a week from now on so i don't loose the zone. love the zone.

thoughts on scrapbooking

I've been thinking a lot about scrapbooking lately. How much I love it and how little time I am able to spend doing it. Each week I see the photos pile up and my thoughts overwhelm me of things I want to say or remember about my children, myself, and my family. Sure enough it is constantly put on the back burner.

I know I have some time to devote to it if I want. I mean I am setting up my smugmug site which does take time and blogging and...I suppose the list could go on and on. I believe a part of me is afraid too. It sounds crazy because once I dive in I love it. I can stop. I just put pressure on myself and I loose focus on why I am doing this in the first place so I back off for a while.

I love this hobby. I love being creative. I love looking back at the memories I've created.

So I am trying to go back to goals I made months ago after reading Stacy Julian's book the big picture. I decided I was going to start organizing my ablums like she does. No more trying to find where the pages fit chronologically. No more stressing about how many photos I have piling up and feeling behind. Just a collection of thoughts and photos displayed artistically for me and my family to enjoy. In a sense telling the stories of our life. It has really made a huge difference. I have loved the one page layouts. I have loved taking away the restrictions I put on myself. Why do I do that anyway? Now I just need to get back and do it.

Last night I was looking through with the kids some of my older albums and realized how far I've come. What a difference I've made. Some of the pages I really disliked, but loved being able to see the changes I have made artistically. I enjoy seeing the evolution my scrapbooking has taken over the last 9 years. It was funning seeing the pre-making memories and pre-bazzill basics paper days. I remember going to Pebbles in my Pocket with Jill for the first time and being so overwhelmed. I couldn't imagine what it would be like now getting into the hobby because let's face it, the stuff you had to work with then its a wonder I had some cute pages or I should say descent.



Here are a few of the first pages I ever made on the floor of my Orem house with Jill. (click here for more of my first layouts...no laughing). I remember using the corner rounder on everything. Funny that it's come full circle from being totally out to popular again. Anyway, I think these pages are interesting...very very basic, but so me. I am still lacking embellishments and use a lot of cardstock. I suppose I always liked it that way. It's my way of doing things. Love being able to see that some things never change.

interesting note: on the cancun layout i used paint way back then. Well, Adam used paint. But still had we only knew.



Also the layout of Bella I did ages ago and put in one of the 12x12 frames i just replaced.