a delicate balance

On our drive to Mexico, yes i know -- crazy, I had amble time between intermittent conversation, listening to podcasts/talks, and reading to get some good thinking done. I had 16 hours people and when you consider round trip was 32 hours I had a lot of time on my hands. (actually putting it in those terms I should have got way more done. :/)

One of the things that filled up my head space was navigating through being the mother of a teenage daughter. I knew this day would come, I had feared it in a way, not really knowing what to expect. I have been pleasantly surprised, thus far, with the ease of this transition. I have loved the ability to have serious conversations with her, you know the kind where they can actually participate with their own thoughts and ideas? Ya that. We are communicating and I have been forever grateful of what has come up, the depth to which we have been able to talk. I trust her, she trusts me, and although we don't always sees eye to eye and I know sometimes I drive her crazy when I remind her of her commitments (e.g. violin or school -- trust me I've had the eye roll plenty of times), there has always been an open dialog where we can talk honestly. (Yes I know this is likely to change as she grows and needs different things from me, but for now I am grateful for where we are at.)



She knows I will always been there, at least I hope she knows, but there is always room for improvement. I need to be a better listener. You know when you talk to a man (most men) and all they want to do is fix the problem when all you want them to do is listen? I think too often my first reaction is to answer like a man or maybe I should be fair to men and say answer like a mother and I give my opinion too decidedly. As the words are spewing from my mouth it occurs to me that she never really asked for my advise per say, she's just bouncing off ideas. She just needs to talk and needs me to listen.

Sometimes I worry. I don't want her to make mistakes or fumble. I want her to be able to learn from my experience, you know give her a leg up, save her from pain, but this is her life and her experience and the only way for her to grow is to go through it in her own way and on her own path. I need to trust that she's got it under control. And I do. I need to not be so quick to jump in and allow her come to her own conclusions. Unless of course she needs me and then I'm all in.

I'm all in.

It's quite a delicate balance, I have decided, this mothering gig, to do right by your child and be for them what they need, when they need, and how they need. I'm trying not to get to overwhelmed as I type that. It's a learning experience for me too, isn't it? Even when I think I've got this one figured out I've got two more girls months/years from getting all teenagery (let's be honest, if they haven't already) and I know my experience with them will be vastly different then the one I'm having now. My girls are all so different and they'll need different things from me. In fact, I will be maneuvering through these unclear waters for quite some time. Who am I kidding, I will always be learning how to be their mother as the years progress and my girls life circumstances change.

Life is great that way, isn't it? Always giving us opportunities from growth. :)

her words

A delightful treat to read on mothers day. Written in their own words, typos and all, with the help of questions to prompt.




Funny, nice, helpful, and silly
Mother of... Megan, Bella, and Tess
Lover of...kids, art, and chocolate
Who feels...loved, cared for, and awsame
Who needs...love, family, and friends
Who gives...kisses, warm hugs, and lovings
Who would licke... to see world, future, and jungle.
Love, Megan

You are special because...you buy our food we need, and you make the food to feed us and be healthy.
I like it when...you help me when I need it, and draw with me.
I think your best at...art, photography, sewing, dealing with kids.
I like to make you smile...by smiling back, making funny jokes.
You are as pretty...as a daisy, sunset, sky on a bright sunny day.
You are smart! You even know...mathematics, what's under my bed, where to put things and what to do at the right time.
When I'm at school my mom...goes shopping, laundry, reads, nap, clean, makes food, pictures, talk with friends, pull some weeds in the garden, call on phone, do her photography class, make plans for the week, make brownies.
My mother worries about...our rooms not being clean, bad grades, me practicing my piano, clean clothes, getting hurt, going places on my own.
The most important thing about her life...is love and her family.
Love, Tess

[I'm sharing the projects they did in school, so the other thoughtful words, including Bella's, I will keep for me]

After I stopped smiling after such a delightful morning with breakfast in bed and sweet thoughtful words from each of my girls -- wait I never really did stop smiling -- I couldn't help be grateful for them for coming into my life and making my dreams come true of becoming a mother. As i assume you mothers know, it hasn't always been exactly what I imagined, how could you really know what you're in for. It has certainly tried my patience, made me question myself, but it has, aside from starting a life with adam, been the greatest thing I've ever had the chance to experience. I am most blessed to have my three and I certainly wouldn't want it any other way.

I hope all you lovely mothers had a fabulous day!

case in point

It's moments like these that I savor and cling to. Little random gatherings that could so easily be meaningless or forgotten, but that become so much more and stay with you long after it's gone.



I'm not even sure how it all started. Each girl, one at a time, ended up on my closet floor with me. We joked, we teased, we laughed, and then the conversation turned when one said to me, "Mom, I'm scared something will happen to you while I'm at school." I paused. What do you say to that? With my heart in my throat, I know this fear, wanting so badly to reassure her, but knowing there are no guarantees I answered her the best I could.

And then as if the hug broke the spell, more laughing, more teasing and we moved on from the heaviness of that topic. Of course, I didn't move on so quickly. After the girls left for school I sat in the quiet for a while, prayed my girls would never have to experience the sickening loss that is death, and yet, I knew I was asking too much. It will touch their life at some point, I just pray it is years and years and years away.

Today as I reflect back on that morning, I'm so grateful for my relationship with my girls. Grateful for moments like these, and although I'm without all the answers, how grateful I am that we can so easily share and confide in each other our hopes and fears. I pray we will always have that.

evolve

I remember like it was yesterday, the conversation I had with a very experienced friend, who tried to convince me that one day life would seem busier than it was right then. I admit, it was hard to believe her. I guess you can never fully understand exactly what that means until you're there. I'm pretty sure I'm there, or at least it feels like I am. Days are blurring together, and amidst the morning bustle and after school activities/homework, I'm making every attempt to spend as much time with my girls as possible.

You know, it's always been important to me to spend quality time with my girls, but it's become apparently clear the last few days that the older they become it's not only important, but vital to get that one on one time together. I know that sounds like a no brainer, but I know days could easily go by without a meaningful connection unless you make an effort to make it happen.


[self portrait while driving bumper cars=a good time]

Recently I've learned four things: 1) It's amazing the types of feeling, thoughts, questions an eleven year old has--definitely much more thoughtful than I ever was at that age. 2) What's even more amazing is these thoughts and feelings change frequently, sometimes daily. 3) You won't always have the answers, and most likely won't be able to make it right. Gone are the days of putting a bandaid on the wound and kissing it better--seriously what happened to those days? 4) It doesn't matter if you don't have the answers. They want to be validated, heard, they want to be loved.

Above all else I've learned, motherhood changes as your children change and so I'm doing my best to evolve to be what my girls need me to be right now. For some reason "right now" is different than it was last week, go figure. So I'm learning to take queues, to listen, and patiently understand as we again enter another stage of mother and daughter.

a leap

I never knew that much about motherhood when I took it on myself. I mean, the only knowledge I had was based on childhood memories watching my own mother and imagining what it would be like. It's funny the fairy tale I placed in my head about what a mother is. As a child an adult seems so free, in charge, so put together. Never did I understand that once a woman gives life she is forever tied to that small person--her thoughts, her dreams, and desires are never far from her children's heart.

I guess motherhood is a funny thing. You never really understand it until you do it yourself. It's a leap of faith. No one can really explain it, you just have to do it and give yourself over to the experience that will inevitable change your life forever. I jumped without really considering how it would change me, all I knew is being a mother is what I wanted. Not only have I never regretting my decision to jump, but becoming a mother has been one of the greatest gifts in my life and taught me more than I could have ever believed possible.



As a mother I find myself in many situation where I'm the giver, the teacher, but as time goes on I am more than ever before in awe at how much my girls teach me, how much they give me. I am forever changed by my three smiley, messy haired, loud, happy little girls that cover me with kisses as they stand at the door ready for school, their race to be the first one to tell me about their day as we drive home together, or their enthusiasm for cuddling in bed together to watch a movie or read a book.

Life is forever changed in the best possible way, and to think, I may have never known if I didn't take the leap.

xxox
g

old soul

recently i've noticed her watching me, watching adam.
recently i've seen her reach out and need from us what she hasn't needed in the past.
recently i've seen her transitioning.
recently i've noticed her beginning to find her voice.
recently i've watched her pull away and then back--searching her world at home, at school, and seeing independence staring back at her.



adam and i always joke about her being an old soul and yet it's not really a joke. if in our pre-mortal life we progressed at different rates than clearly she surpassed me. i've often wondered if someone got it wrong and she was meant to be my teacher, but i guess that's where they got it right--she is. everyday she teaches me.

i've always admired the way she's utterly and completely secure about the person she is. i was just going to write when i was her age i wasn't even close to being comfortable with me, but let's be honest, i am still struggling with being secure with the woman i am, with the way the world sees me. she is who she is and hasn't once wondered if that was or wasn't good enough (man i wish i could bottle that up).

it will be interesting to sit back and watch her navigate through life much better than i ever did, hoping, that her security & confidence will serve her well--that when life throws it's best at her she'll be able to hold her own. i have no doubt this girl of mine will go far.

i am grateful for her awkwardness, her positivity, her laughter, and her ability to get the job done even when it's not something she's keen on doing. Hopefully she is rubbing off on the other two--i know it's definitely rubbing off on me.

i always want to remember...

[megan's bunny ears]

...what it sounds like when I hear the pitter patter of little feet heading to my door.
...what it feels like to have your smallness snuggle up with me in the early hours of the morning.
...giving you wet face kisses straight out of the shower.
...when you ask if we can paint together.
...when you wrote, "You're nice and kind even when you're frustrated. You appreciate me and my sisters for who we are. When things get hard, I can always turn to you for advice. I would never trade you for another mom."



..your eagerness to help me, even when it's chores around the house.
...they way you stumble over unfamiliar words as you read the scriptures.
...how you open up and share your heart.
...watching you run to the car after school, out of breath, eager to tell me what happened that day.
...your laughter while you play imaginary games outside.



...what it feels like to have the five of us eating dinner together each night.
...the shrinky-dink necklace you made for me.
...the look on your face when you beat me at a card game.
...your excitement when I ask, "Do you want to make cookies?"
...that you would choose a fruit bowl over candy.


[photos taken mother's day morning, straight out of bed, by adam]

...seeing how happy you get when I volunteer in your classroom.
...listening to you make up songs with your sisters.
...the way we dance to Michael Jackson in the kitchen while we cooked dinner.
...that your not afraid to ask me about anything.
...that I'm the first person you come to for comfort when you're sad.
...when you said, "my favorite thing about my mom is that she is my mom for eternity."


I wish I could slow down time, just a bit. I'm loving where we're at right now.
Life is good.

no one perfect way...

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children...What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." ~Elder M. Russell Ballard

[self portrait | 8 May]

There have been many years where the weight of motherhood pressed heavily on me. I never felt like a good mother. Never felt I measured up to this sacred roll I was given. I've definitely grown a lot as a woman and mother these last 10 years. I'm not perfect, never going to be perfect, and I no longer feel the pressure that I have to be. I love my three girls completely and that love is what motivates me to do my best and keep going even when I think I can't. Bella sent me an email a few months ago asking me, "Is it hard being a mother?" It really made me think. I didn't know what to say so I told her the truth. Motherhood is the most challenging, yet greatest thing I've ever done in my life. I wouldn't change it for anything.

I am who I am today because of them and what they've taught me. Girls I love you more than words can express and I thank God daily that they're mine forever.

I love girls.
I love you mom.


Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there fighting the good fight!

the maid quit today

It's not that I have kids that don't do anything around the house, they do. In fact, I have noticed what big helpers (wow that sounds babyish) they've been for me since last summer. They do what I ask like when the dishwasher is full or their clothes need to be put away they always leave what they're doing and help me. Sometimes I hear a "ugh" in the mix, but usually (operative word) they are willing to help.

The frustration comes from not picking up after themselves. I'm sure I don't need to explain it as anyone that has children or a roommate or even a spouse knows what it's like to constantly be cleaning up someone else's mess. I feel like I'm a good mom in this area and when I see a mess they make I ask them to clean it up, however, 1) why do I have to remind the to pick up after themselves? and 2) it's the stuff they aren't around for that I end up cleaning myself. For instance, when they've already walked out the door for school and I walk pass the bathroom after reminding them to put away their toothbrushes and I find said toothbrushes on the counter accompanied by toothpaste globs or wrappers from whatever they've been eating found in various places throughout the house or pjs left on the floor of the laundry room instead of putting them in the designated bin or the snack they're making for school ends up on the floor, most likely already been stepped on. It's maddening. Some things I can wait for them to come home, but some things need to be taken care of...like food on the ground.

I just don't understand why they can't pick up after themselves? That's all. Yes, they do what I ask, but why can't they take the initiative and see that they've dropped food on the ground, pick it up, and put it in the trash or go the extra step and put their clothes in bin or throw away the empty wrapper?

I can't say what set me off for sure this morning. It really wasn't one thing, I think it was just all the things, all the time.

deep breath.

I have been working on a job chart that realistically is going to have to wait until May when I have more time to devote to it, but the jobs are not the problem. They do their jobs. I need some type of reward system that encourages them to pick up after themselves. Any ideas? I've tried the, "whatever you leave out goes in the garbage", but that doesn't really work when what they're leaving out is the garbage. I'm at a loss. I need advice. What has worked for you? I'm willing to try anything.


PS I hope this post doesn't come off as complaining. I'm not trying to complain, I'm not is a bad mood or even feel frustrated right now, rather just looking for some advice so I can better teach my children how to work.

PSS unless you didn't get it...I'm the maid that quit.

exactly the way I want to remember us

disproving a fear

I took this photo (I've got more I wish I could share I just don't have them loaded on the internet) of her last week, again upon request. I wonder if I've created a monster by having my camera in her face all her life, but I'm not complaining because I simply can't get enough of her chocolaty eyes...and the shape.


[Doesn't she look grown up in this photo? I can almost see what she'll look like as a teenager.]

This afternoon she jumped in the car as her happy cheerful self, but once we got in the house she was a mess. Crying about the most random of things and fighting with her sisters. She had only been home a few minutes and I already needed a break from her. After spending a few minutes in her room calming down, she confided in me that a girl at school called her rude. She was very distressed by the encounter and although I was sad for her, I admit, I was a little curious as to the reason. I love my Meg, but I know she can be a little much at times. I did my best at calming her and reminding her no matter what to always be kind.

I share this story because I was so impressed and grateful that she approached me about what was frustrating her. You could say it's a fear of mine that when my girls need someone to talk to they won't come to me. Apparently it's not really founded on anything concrete because time and time again I've had incidences, though never from Megan, when my girls have come to me with something on their mind. I know there will be a time when they are teenagers when maybe, just maybe, they'll be more reluctant, but I hope they will always know that I am here ready and willing to just listen.

thinking out loud

There was this moment last night while I was rocking my little niece to sleep (my brothers two girls spent the night and are spending the day with me) that I felt this motherly longing. I wasn't longing for another baby, it was more like longing for days that are past. It's crazy to look around and see we no longer have babies in the house and have entered into an entirely new stage of life. We no longer have the little one that wants to be carried around and there's no more nights where they need to be rocked to sleep. How grateful I felt last night knowing I took the time and had those moments with my little ones when I had the chance.

This feeling I recognize as being something you only feel after the fact. While you're going through it, it's crazy and overwhelming, but afterwards it's so easy to see the good and you wonder, was it really that hard? I think in many ways it is if you stop to think about it, but as mothers we push along because there's not really another option, and at the end of the day we really do love what we're doing and the individuals we are doing it for.

I wonder with each stage that passes if there will be this longing? In reality, I love where we're at right now. I love the ages of my girls and have often thought if I could freeze time it would be now...this place where they don't know who Hannah Montana is, they don't have a lot of stresses, they're talking to us instead of texting us, we still have relative control, and the world is still this magical place. It will be a really hard day when my girls have to face something I cannot protect them from, we have face some of those already (ie with friends), and it's difficult when I can't make everything better... Sigh. I guess at some point we must all learn.


[sunday night popcorn and funniest home videos]

And so the nature of life continues to move on. With each stage there is a passing and also something to look forward to. I wonder will we ever look back on this life and long for it, just a bit, because it's behind us. Will we think it wasn't that hard? I wonder.

So I take these little moments of remembrance when they come and embrace them, but keep myself focused on the present so when this time is gone I will have no regrets only fond fond memories.

one day I will miss this

I woke up this morning in a beautiful daze thrilled I got to sleep in a bit (7:30am) because the kids are out of school today and Monday and there was no need to rush (love mornings like that). As I walked down the hall I ran into Cinderella shoes, robes strewn about the floor, and I walked on littlest pet shop toys. So my bliss of a lazy morning was crippled by the girls stuff all over the place. It was particularly frustrating because I spent most of my morning yesterday cleaning. I just stood there in the hall talking myself out of a bad mood, reminding myself that one day I will miss falling over their stuff.

So calm and back in my daze I went to seek out the said girls that left me treasures. I found them downstairs giddy as can be to be watching TV, yes, that made me happy (I so remember those times as a kid), but the mess that surrounded them (how can they not notice what they're sitting in?) brought back all those feelings...must all my efforts be in vain?! Again I attempted to calm myself by saying, one day I will miss seeing mass amounts of toys scattered all over the place, one day I will miss this. Right?

I have to admit I don't know if I'll ever miss this...the jury is still out on this one



Seeing piles and piles of Megan's clothes all over her room. It infuriates me to no end because we clean it up daily. Will she ever learn? I fear this may be the view inside her room 12 years from now.

I may miss this...



after all it's just toys and it does clean up easily. It also speaks volumes and tells me I have happy kids in the house, but it is frustrating for this to be the first thing I see when I walk in from my garage. Why can't they just pick up after themselves...is it so hard to do?

I decided the best thing for me was to leave so I didn't get really mad, particularly at Megan. As I walked up the stairs and back to my room mumbling to myself about the injustice of it all, I passed my door like I always do and saw the pictures the girls hang up for us randomly (I also have some on my studio door). It made me smile and I thought, I will definitely miss this.



I will definitely miss seeing pieces of them throughout the house even if it does mean tripping over Cinderella shoes because the mess and the noise means they are here. Of course in the moment, where I am now, it's not always easy to see it that way. So I go throughout my day, most days, reminding myself that one day I will miss this even if I'm not missing it today.

spt - wordless - end of day

spt - 100 list #28

#28 I have a good life.

If I remember right, I put this on my list to always remind me of the wonderful life I have. It's easy for me to loose sight of it when I'm having a bad day, but I truly do know I have a good life.

Of course where I am now did not come easy and did not come over night. I have certainly come a long way as a person (p.s. I still have a long long way to go) and how grateful I am today that change is possible. I simply couldn't have done it without Adam by my side. He has the ability to make me see joy when I cannot find it myself or calm me down when I'm upset about something. He keeps me laughing, keeps me believing that anything is possible, and reminds me of how good life is.



Some people have questioned me on my marriage...has it always been this good? The answer is no. No it hasn't. It's been years of work and sacrifice to get to the point where we're at now, we've had some really hard times. It took uncomfortable conversations and commitments to one another. It took faith, hope, and trust in each other. But ultimately, neither of us were willing to settle for anything less than our dream, so we made changes. We focus on each other, we do, and we give. Is it perfect? No. Marriage is a constant progress, we have our ups and downs like anyone, but we are continually focused on our dream.



My girls...they are the other puzzle piece to my life. I have never thought I was that great of a mother or that I really do motherhood well, but when your little one (Megan) calls from across the dinner table and yells, "mommy, your the bestest ever mommy" (she said this last night) you got to think, even though you may not be the best, to someone you are.

I know I could share more, but these are the two most important parts and I know if this was all I had I would need nothing more. They are my life. They are the ones that make my life good. And the best part is, I get them for eternity. I couldn't ask for anything more. How grateful I am.

mothers day

Despite what you might originally think, I love Mother's Day. I don't enjoy it because it's necessarily a celebration of me, but what the holiday is celebrating...

Mothers.

photo by adam

Being a mother is one of the greatest experiences of my life, but it's also one of the most challenging. I have come to realize most things in life that are worth anything are also the ones that will try us the most. So even though some days I get up and think, I can't do this anymore, I see my adorable three little girls and want nothing more than to be everything that they want and need. It's such a crazy feeling to know that I'm responsible for them. Me. Responsible. At times it's a weight I feel on every inch of my body and other times it's the greatest joy I can imagine. I'm not sure there is an in between...at least not yet. So I continue on this journey called motherhood hoping that one day I will understand it, the things that we do and the stresses we put on ourselves, so that when that day comes I can see clearly through the rough.

Besides giving me time to reflect, I love Mother's Day because it's the time I am showered with the most handmade gifts. It was the gifts I loved giving the most as a child and it's the gifts I love receiving the most. Here is what my darling girls made for me this year.

a notepad from Bella

a shrinky dink necklace from Tess

a paper mache flower from Megan

Oh and I don't want to forget my sweet Adam who is always so wonderful to me and especially on this day. Along with redoing my bathroom, soon to be done, he gave me a box of chocolates.


Thanks love for making my day fabulous.

pretending

I have a lot in my head today, but the problem is I don't have a clue how to say it. I fear the truth and hide from it hoping that one day what I am pretending will actually be a reality.

What you ask? Motherhood. I'm not good at it. In fact, I struggle on a daily basis to face it each day knowing it's the one thing I don't do well. I know it can be learned, I mean that knowledge is the one thing that keeps me faking it. What I'm hoping deep down, somewhere, the more I try the better I will become, and the better I become the easier it will be and more natural it will feel.

It's times like this, however, that I just want to run and hide. Yes, I realize a lot of it is the crazy lady talking and my reality is out of sorts where nothing seems possible and my feelings overwhelm me. Adam is constantly reminding me of the good and showing it to me...them. My 3 little ones that I do desperately love that right now I feel I'm fighting to hold onto.

So for the last few days I've had a chant going through my head, "It can be done, I can do it". I am determined to make it so, even if at the end I realize I never understood it, at least I'll know I did everything I could.

sigh...

Oh how I bug myself that I keep struggling with the same stuff. I told Adam last night if I was dying and had two weeks to live I would have a good ending. I can do anything for two weeks, it's after that that things become fuzzy. So I apologize for the seemingly heavy post. It was not intended as such, it's just what's on my mind right now...my desire to be a good mother.

On a lighter note or maybe not quite....





Are you kidding me?

Need your advice.

So it seems the last week my girls have been playing so good together I rarely see them during the day unless we are out of the house or eating. It was today when I started to feel a little guilty about enjoying the quiet so much like maybe I should interrupt to spend some time with them. Don't get me wrong I love having time to myself to get stuff done and love it when they get along, but apart of me feels like maybe they just don't want/need me to play with them anymore and their done asking. Let's face it, the minute Adam walks in the door (it has been like this for as long as I can remember) they celebrate his homecoming. It pangs my heart a bit because I never get this same celebration. I know I am with them everyday, 24/7, but doesn't that deserve cheers? Come On! Ok so I'm getting off the subject.

My point is this, I don't want them to think I neglected them by not playing with them. Do you think I'm sending this message? Do I interrupt to let them know I am available to read or whatever? Am I being crazy about this and should just be grateful they're playing together? Or should I be somewhat concerned? Is any one else experiencing this?

I will share this because I thought it was so cute. At lunch today Bella and Tess were talking about what they wanted to play when they were done eating. They were actually negotiating. I really do love to see them get along, especially when they include Megan.

Today has been full of all good things.

It's amazing what happens when you are ready to hear something. When you've allowed the spirit to touch your soul. Couldn't have had a better day so far and looking forward to spending sometime with my mother.

The YW lesson today was about individual worth, but more specifically about our purpose in life. We all have been brought to earth at this time for a reason. I have been thinking a lot about this as I feel like I may know what my true purpose is and have been fighting with myself about it do to my own selfishness. It feels good to surrender. To listen to my heart. Focus on the things that bring me happiness.

so i have been taking a break.

taking a break from me stuff. it hasn't been easy, but something i need to do in order to make my life livable. i know that doesn't seem to make sense as why live if you don't get to do what makes you happy. ah...the beauty of life and the choices we make. i am beginning to realize there will be times in my life for me and times when i don't really factor in. why has it taken me 6 years to figure out i don't get me time.

all week i have been struggling with the have tos and want tos of my day. staying home obviously brings about all the house work, bills, laundry, etc. that need to be done. then there's my callings. of course time with your kids & the things they have to do. time with my husband (something i enjoy doing). where in this day is there time for myself? when i do try to make time i end up quite frustrated because i can't get anything done. always someone pulling at my sleeve.

so this week i let it go. go of the notion that all things can be done. i spent time with my kids. we played outside, i took them to the park, played with friends, etc. i felt like a good mom. however, at the end of the week the house is a disaster, the laundry has piled up, i feel drained, i pushed every desire to work on projects aside. so i feel like it will take all next week to catch up when really shouldn't i do the same thing again....spend time with my girls so at least i feel like a good mom?

honestly i don't know how anyone does it? i don't know how we are suppose to do it? these organization plans are great for families where the kids are primarily at school or at least older, but no matter what i turn my back and megan has taken an entire bag of chips and smashed them into the floor. not literally, but there are crumbs following her every move. i just can't keep up. i am not one of those people that can keep up, i know some of you can. too bad for me.

the insanity is a little much to handle at times, which is why my experiment in the first place. i am not sure how i feel about the result, but at least i did feel like a good mom and that's something. but what about feeling like a good wife? or a good house keeper? or a good person?

if you can't do it all what should you focus on?