pieces of joy

I believe we are meant to have joy in this life. Real lasting joy. I know from experience it can be really easy to get caught up in your struggles, to get overwhelmed by life's heartaches. Pain tends to take precedence, or at least it does in my life. I get depressed, I become a hermit, and I get stuck.

We all have heartaches and trials, it's just apart of this life. It's our way to grow and experience the world so we will become better individuals. As much as I wish it didn't have to be this way, I know there are lessons I couldn't have learned any other way. And while I wasn't grateful for my trials then, I can say now I am grateful for the woman it has helped me to become.

The problem is when we are down and struggling it is too easy to focus on what hurts and stop seeing all the good that's in our life -- because even when we struggling there is still good.

Especially when we struggle we need to see the good.

The Week In The Life project this past week has done exactly that for me. It helped me to see all the little moments, the bits and pieces of joy that make up my life I often fail to notice. It helped me to slow down and be more intentional, thoughtful. It helped me to see where I fall short, what I could be doing better, what we as a family could be doing better. It has help me to want to live my life more with intention. It helped me to see how much I have missed my camera.

This project lite a fire in me. I don't know what it means or how it will take shape, but I pray it hang out with me awhile. I have been waiting for this. I needed this. Thank you Ali for inspiring me to capture last week. I will never forget it.

HEALTH | FITBIT

About a month ago I took the plunge and bought myself a fitbit flex.

Yep I jumped on the fitbit bandwagon. I was feeling sort of sluggish -- well, let's be honest. I've been feeling sort of sluggish for years. It's the kind of tired I can move through because I have to, but if I had the chance to take sporadic naps throughout the day I would. I've lived with it for years so it feels very much apart of my daily rhythm. There are times I will myself not to think about it and the tired seems less pronounced, but sadly it is always there weighing me down. Yes I've sought help. I've had numerous tests done and the conclusion is my body's chemistry seems to be a-ok.

With the medical world giving me zero answers I am left to my own devices.

Maybe being tired was coming from not being active enough? I know it’s sounds counter intuitive, but have you ever noticed the days you do nothing, like traveling or an all day movie marathon, when you’re sitting constantly, how tired you feel? Adam and I have talked about this phenomenon several times, how strange it is the less you do the more tired you feel and the more active you are the more energized you feel. It seems lazy begets lazy and active begets active.

So I wanted to figure it out — was I tired because I wasn't active enough or am I just tired?

That's where the fitbit comes in. I remember my friend Tory telling me about her fitbit when she visited in February. We were on a hike (we should have been snowshoeing but there was no snow — crazy) and she called out with enthusiasm, “I reached my goal!” Of course, having absolutely no idea what she was talking about, I made her explain. She told me all about her bracelet and how it tracks her movement throughout the day. I thought it was a great idea. If I could track my activity it would give me a more accurate indication of how active I am during my day. (I have always been one to exercised in the morning, but I was curious how active I was the rest of the day.)

I thought about just buying a pedometer, I mean it’s much cheaper, but I liked the idea of being able to track other things, like my sleep which I thought could be crucial when trying to understand my tiredness, so I went with fitbit and have been tracking my movement ever since.



My observation after using it a month:

01) I noticed how much it helped motivate me to stay moving. Just knowing it was on and tracking my steps was enough for me to want to stay on my toes. Instead of taking an elevator or parking as close to a store as possible, I opted to pick the option that would allow me to get more steps.

02) I realized it wasn't hard to get 8000 steps in a day. On the days I run, which is about 3 times a week, I get about 10,000 steps right off the bat. At first I loved it because I would reach my goal so early in the morning, but then it was defeating the purpose for the rest of the day — I wasn't as motivated. So I decided I would change my goal each day depending on what I was doing. When I ran I would make my goal somewhere between 15,000-18,000 steps a day. On a slow day, a day I’m traveling or a Sunday, I would adjust my goal lower to about 5000. On an average day my goal is set to about 8000 - 10,000 steps.

03) I’m actually a lot more active than I thought. Even the days I’m home taking care of my duties there I found I’m constantly moving. And on the days I’m more sedentary, the ones where I’m on the computer or working on a project, I make sure to take little breaks and go for a walk or do something active.

My fitbit experiment has been successful. It has helped me to be more aware and motivate me to stay on my feet, but sadly it didn’t help me understand more why I am so tired all the time. It’s definitely not because I’m not active enough. I feel really good about how much I move on any given day, even though some days are better than others.

I’m back to the drawing board and will share with you soon what experiment I did next to get to the bottom of being tired 24/7.

Bur for now, if you are looking for something to help motivate you to move this summer go get a fitbit or look for another like minded device that will help you track it and give you an idea of where you’re at so you can decide where you want to go.

xo amy gretchen

moving toward 38 | what i learned

During church last week the speaker talked about a birthday tradition his family has. At family dinner the person celebrating their birthday shares what they learned from that year. I thought it was such a great idea I'm going to implement it in my family this year and since my birthdays first I'll get us started.



Always trust Adam. He's almost always right, operative word being almost.

When a trip presents itself, go, especially to an exotic location.

London and Paris are at the top of my list for favorite cities. I am happy to go back anytime.

Do not move, go on vacation, buy and house and begin a renovation project all at the same time. The aftermath is disastrous.

Home is where your loved ones are.

I can get by with a lot less sugar, but not less chocolate.

I love my dishwasher.

I have way too much stuff. I need to simplify.

Light brings peace and warmth.

Serving together as a family not only strengthens the family, but helps you become closer.

An animal adds so much to our family life. Our puppy has brought us together.

Photos and art help bring life to home.

Creativity and making things fills my soul.

It's ok to say no.

I enjoy online classes.

When dark days come don't loose hope -- lean on friends & family, delve into the scriptures, and pray.

Write down the inspiration you receive and reread it often to remember you've already got your answer.


Thank you for sticking with me this year through my blogging drought. It's good to reflect on the year, learn from it and move on. Thirty-eight has all the makings of a wonderful year. I cannot wait to get started.

perspective

The other day I walked into our living room and saw my girls like this.



I quickly left to grab my camera so I could capture the moment. I was thrilled to see them doing something that didn't involve a device, and better yet, something they were doing together without arguing.

As I got closer and changed my perspective this is what I saw.



After taking a moment to laugh, this is just so funny to me, it got me thinking. Perspective changes everything, doesn't it? We feel/think one way and with just a little more information our perspective changes and we can feel/think something completely different.

Too often I feel like I'm coming at life from one perspective, sadly that perspective is usually negative. I'm a pessimist. I've never been ok with this facet of my personality. I've never liked how quick I am to see what's wrong. I don't enjoy coming at life half empty, but it's what I've always done.

In years past I've tried to combat this with my gratitude journal, taking photos of things I love, prayer, reading my scriptures, intentionally seeing the good, and serving other. All of those things really help and make a huge difference to how I see the world, but without consistent attention, if I get lazy and stop doing, the negativity starts to creep in. I get frustrated at times, I just want to be done with it already instead of having a daily battle with myself, but I know it takes time and a lot of patience to change habits that have formed over a lifetime.

This year I've chosen to shift my paradigm and come at life from a different perspective. It's what I need and it's what I'm craving physically, emotionally, and spiritually.

To make this possible I am not only doing those things I mentioned earlier, but I'm making a conscious decision each day as to how I'm going to look at the world. If I put my attitude in check at the beginning of the day, right when I wake up, it's much easier to keep the negative thoughts at bay. I also have a spiral notebook and pen that I go to when negative thoughts arise so I can quickly get them out of my head and not give them time to fester. I then rip the words from my notebook, crumble it up, and throw it away. It's very cathartic really. It's as if I'm literally purging those thoughts from my mind. If I had a fireplace right now I think I might burn them just to sent a deeper message to myself that these thoughts are not worth holding onto.

It's helping. I feel light. I'm happier. No longer do I feel the darkness of depression and I have my spark again to be creative and to try new things -- and all it took was a shift in my perspective, oh and a lot of deliberate thought and work. :)

Do you struggle with negativity? If so what do you do to beat it?

xo

goodbye january | glist

There's really no good way to say it so I'm just going to lay it out there...

January sucks!

I tell my girls, "nice girls don't say suck", but this just seems one of those times where it's absolutely necessary. This was a hard January, but then again, I can't remember a January that didn't feel like this.

For starter I'm just coming off a wonderful holiday and being swept into the new year, with let's face it, a whole lot of questions about whats next, where to, clouding my judgement. It's not that I'm sad, more there's a heaviness in the air I just can get rid of -- of course the ominous grey skies and smoggy atmosphere are not help at all.

Sigh!

It's interesting how I've been feeling and then recognize that 3 times I have been, in one way or another, reminded to be grateful -- too look for the good. It came on the radio, in the form of a traditional letter, and in my inbox. I think maybe someone is trying to help ease my January blah -- and just in time for February.



G | list
I'm grateful project life is helping me, even more, to live in the present.
I'm grateful for a good night rest. I actually woke up rested this morning.
I'm grateful for the weekend.
I'm grateful for possibilities.
I'm grateful for second chances.
I'm grateful for time with friends -- and needed phone conversations.
I'm grateful for workshopping ideas.
I'm grateful for the ability to go outside without a heavy coat on.
I'm grateful for the sun.
I'm grateful it's February 1.

As frightening as it seems sometimes, I am grateful to be open and vulnerable -- anything is possible in twenty thirteen.

light | 3/52

I brought my camera to church to take some photos of the primary children for a mural they are working on. While waiting I saw a mirror, and well, I couldn't help take the shot. When I got home and looked through my images I stopped on this one -- I didn't realize I had captured the painting of Christ with the little children along side my reflection. It made me smile, I love that painting, and then the song I Am a Child of God played through my head.



It's one of the very first songs I remember learning as a little girl and singing, not only in church, but with my family at home. Years later I sang it to my girls when I would put them down to sleep or when they were scared to calm their fears. It's still to this day a very comforting song to me. It brings light when darkness threatens to cloud my spirit, reminding me that I am and will never be alone in this vast world of growing uncertainty. I have no doubt who I am, where I came from, and where I want to be -- this alone brings peace beyond measure to my life.


Below is my favorite verse of the song. Go here to read more and/or listen to the song.

I am a child of God.
Rich blessings are in store;
If I but learn to do his will,
I'll live with him once more.

Chorus
Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,
Help me find the way.
Teach me all that I must do
To live with him someday.

hypocrite

I walked into my closet this morning and looked down at my feet...



I am such a hypocrite :)

In our home we've emphasized the importance of being clean and organized. I find it really hard to get anything accomplish when there's chaos all around -- not to mention how hard it is to have light in my life when where I live and work is in disarray. I find I first need to attack the mess before I can do anything else, which lately means I haven't been able to spend time on what I want -- there is always something to put in order.

In the past we've had systems in place (charts) for the girls to help them get all their essential activities done, e.g. homework, practice, etc., and they've worked out really well, but over the years we've been lax on those systems and everything has seemed to fall apart in that department just as their lives have become more complicated.

Suddenly I've had enough.

After feeling like our stuff is beginning to own us, I've been going from room to room decluttering like mad. Over the break I did the entire basement plus the girls rooms. Saturday I did our library. We've given away about 35 large garbage bags full of clothes, toys, books, etc., not to mention the amount we've thrown away. Since then I can't believe how much lighter I feel after getting rid of all the stuff that's weighing me down.

But

Then I come into my closet, which made me think of my studio, the two spaces in my house that are completely mine, and my heart sunk. How can I possibly talk about picking up after oneself, cleaning, and organizing when my own personal spaces look like the above?

Sigh.

It's shameful. Going through the house didn't seem like such a big deal, I was actually excited to let it all go, but when it comes to my own personal things, I don't even know where to begin.

Gratefully I'm finding that perspective (thanks Susannah) and beginning my week with more compassion, understanding that there's a learning curve for all of us. It is going to take time and patience for them to learn these skills, apparently it's something i haven't mastered, at least with my own things. So I've issued myself a goal to not only keep my closet organized and clutter free, but to attack my studio in a serious way -- I have a ton of supplies I don't use anymore that need a different home. I am being kind and giving myself four weeks to complete my task and by sharing it here I'm hoping the accountability will help me accomplish my goal.

Do you find yourself decluttering in January?

hello again

For the past couple of weeks I have felt a pull back to my blog. I can't be sure why I took such a long break. What I thought would only be days turned into weeks and months, but it's apparently what I needed. I have always tried to be true to myself and never force the words when I'm just not feeling it.

With school officially starting Monday the tides are turning around here and we are all mentally preparing for another school year ahead. While I have loved this summer together, I can't believe it's already coming to an end, I am ready, and I believe the girls are too, to get back into a schedule and regular routine. Since I was a school aged girl September has always felt like January, the beginning of a new year, making goals and reevaluating. This September has been no different.

In fact, getting offline this summer has given me a lot of time to think and reflect. I have felt for sometime that I'm at a bit of a crossroads and I haven't been entirely sure which direction to go. I continue to use my camera, but even my photography wants/needs to evolve. Upon reflection I feel I've been too stagnant for far too long and I need to step it up. I have missed, desperately, being creative and it's time now to stop missing and starting moving.

Bringing my blog back to life feels like the first step. This past week I have felt my juices flowing and my eagerness to leave the lazy summer days behind and get back to work.

Hello friends! It's good to be back :)

peace and calm

I have not intentionally  neglected my blog for the last few months it just sort of happened. I suppose when something had to give that was the thing. It certainly hasn't helped that the photos I've taken since march, excluding 12of12, have been sitting on my computer waiting to be looked at, let alone edited -- apparently my thoughts are very much tied to my images.

I have so much that I've missed, so much that I want to share with you, but I'll start with what's at hand -- I'm in route to New Hampshire as I type (big smile). I remember when I was asked to teach I couldn't imagine it actually happening, it just seemed so far away, and now that it's days away, I could even count by hours now if I wanted (eek!), I can't imagine it not happening. It seems like the most natural thing in the world to be teaching something I love so dearly.

The calm that I'm feeling right now is not even recognizable. I'm usually a mess before getting on an airplane, stomach all in knots, let alone on the precipices of my dream come true, but I have this quite peace about me. I know I'm doing exactly what I'm suppose to be doing right now. The feeling is so palpable I simply can't be anything but elated right now. I'm sure the nerves will come, maybe tonight as I enter the cabin and am welcomed by the lake once again or perhaps Friday morning over breakfast knowing the time has come or maybe the nerves won't come at all. I'm just taking it a day at a time and letting it all happen.

Actually, I'm afraid of the experience rushing by too quickly. Already the last couple months, especially May, have passed by in a blur. I just don't want to miss anything,  I want to savor each moment and take it a little at a time so I can soak it all in.

[36]5 days

[collection of iphone & canon 5d photos from my 35th year]

My world is far from perfect.
I'm tired most of the time.
There are relationships I long to mend.
I over think.
Sometimes what I say and what to do don't always meet up.
I'm insecure about a lot of things.

But

I have a husband who seeks to understand me, who will sacrifice his sleep to spend more time with me (love our late night chats), who makes me laugh at anytime, who loves me despite my flaws and irrationalities.

I have three beautiful daughters who work hard, who lavishes me with hugs and kisses, who light me up and keep me smiling, who have patience with me when I fall short.

I have lovely family and friends around me who i can look to and that inspire me.

I have a desire to be my best and am constantly working to improve.
I am not afraid to admit when I'm wrong.
I have a testimony of Jesus Christ.
I appreciate the "normal days" of life.
I let the details of my everyday help me see the joy and goodness all around me.
I am hopeful.

On this, my thirty-sixth year, I have plenty of room to improve, but I am exactly where I want to be -- I feel completely content and most blessed.
Bring on another 365 days. I can't wait!

xoxox

twenty eleven

I spent the day yesterday in bed, well, all expect for the time I spent helping Tess with her science project, sick with a headache and sore throat, taking it easy so hopefully I would be able to celebrate the new year with style today. Happily it worked. I am feeling more myself, even though I could go for a nap right now.

Anyway, it gave me amble time to think about this past year -- my ups and downs, the goals I saw through and the ones where I fell short. I thought about this new year, 2012, my hopes and dreams. What I want to accomplish, and where I want to be at years end.



This past year, 2011, I spent my days focused on living my truth and after thinking it through yesterday I will say I am pleased with my efforts. I mean, of course there is a lot I hoped I would do differently -- I wanted to do more projects, get off sugar, I need to do better at focusing on the light, and I'm still haunted with the same lessons time and again, but it was definitely an abundant year full of growth and goodness. Friendships were strengthened, dreams came true, and I was again reminded how much we need one another.

I think that was one of the biggest lesson I learned or I should say was reminded of because I've learned it plenty, that life was not meant to be journeyed alone and we certainly can't do it without each other. And you know what, I'm glad because I don't want to. Another big lesson I learned was living my truth took courage, but when I let go of my fears and focused on the light added strength was given to me and I was able to do what I needed/wanted.

Tonight I will be ending the year full of gratitude in my heart for the individuals (some new, some old) that made an impact on my life, for the continued closeness that I found with Adam, for the bonds I forged with my girls, and for all the lessons I learned, even if for the fourth or fifth time, that I will take with me as I continue on with twenty twelve.

Happy New Year friends! May this new year bring with it an abundance of joy and goodness.

xoxo

Hello. My name is Amy Gretchen.

I've received a lot of inquiries regarding the "Gretchen" in my name. It's not something I've intentionally kept quiet, it's really just been out of laziness that I haven't shared. Here's my story.

[iPhone]

My given name is Amy Gretchen. I was named after my paternal grandmother who died a few years before I was born. As a child I was always fascinated with the woman I was named after. I wanted to see pictures of her and hear stories about the woman she was. I would ask my dad all the time to tell me everything he remembered--I truly hoped there would be something we had in common. He told me how she loved to knit, to cook, and host her family. She was gentle, loving, and giving.

When I was in grade school I remember being embarrassed by my middle name because it was so different. All my friends were either Ann's or Lynn's (apparently it was the middle name of the time) and mine was so unique. I was proud of it though, it was my grandmothers name, and secretly wanted everyone to know. When I went off to college I remember distinctly debating about going by Gretchen from that point on. For starters I knew so many Amy's in high school and figured collage would certainly be no different. Second, if I was ever going to switch over now was the time. And third, I really liked my middle name and wanted to use it. For whatever reason though, I was never able to go through with it, so just plain Amy I remained.

Until early 2010.

My friend Hannah had just introduced me to her friends Jenica and Amy. One evening we were all sitting around chatting like we would. I can't remember who it was, but someone suggested that one of us Amy's go by a different name so there would be no confusion. I immediately spoke up and suggested they call me Gretchen. They all looked at me puzzled, sort of like, where in the world did that come from, until I explained it was my middle name. So it stuck. They started calling me Gretchen or G for short. I loved it.

After that evening, and the subsequent weeks that followed, I thought more and more about how to incorporate Gretchen. I decided to talk with my family about it, if I could get their support than making the switch would be easy. Honestly, I didn't think it would be a big deal, after all, it is my name, but I couldn't have been more wrong. To make a long story short, it was only my dad and sister that would support me. I tried throughout the summer to let my wishes known, but then let it lie. I figured I couldn't force it, but that didn't mean I was willing to give up--I knew it would take time.

It was then that I started adding Gretchen to my online user names. Honestly, I would have dropped the Amy all together, but realized it best to ease everyone into the change. So when I went to Squam that first year I introduced myself as Amy Gretchen, when my church boundaries changed I put Amy Gretchen on my name tag, when I went out to eat I used it to reserve a table, etc. etc.

It's been interesting the mixed reactions people have had to my request--some have embraced it, while others have turned me down flat. I understand to those that have known me a long time how hard it is to think of me as anything but Amy. I'm definitely not forcing anything, I answer to both Amy and Gretchen (or G), but I do prefer the latter and am moving in that direction.

So now you know why the laziness to share. Not too exciting of a story, but it's mine and I figure one day my girls will appreciate knowing why the emphasis on my middle name. And, well, it hopefully cleared up some confusion :)

Have a great night!

52 photo project | week 14 | chocolate

Somehow chocolate has become a part of my everyday. It use to just be a Sunday thing, but has quickly turned into an everyday craving. Honestly I don't think a day goes by that I don't have a piece in one form or another. Today it was these m&ms, yesterday it was a bite of Bella's snickers, and the day before that it was 2 squares from a ritter sport dark chocolate bar. mmmmm my mouth is watering. I do prefer the premium stuff, but some days, like today, I will take whatever I have on hand.

I tried to get off it when I stopped eating sugar a few months ago. Remember? The first few days were so so difficult, but slowly I was able to ween myself from the everyday treat. In all that time what I figured out was that I missed it and there wasn't a good reason not to have it. After all a little bit never hurt anybody. So now I'm back on & happy as ever.

Are you a chocolate lover too?

first impressions

if we met on a park bench with the smell of lavender in the air, i'd tell you...
my name is amy gretchen and some friends call me g.
i'm a stay at home mom that has still not found a good relationship with laundry.
i can easily pass on dessert, but not french fries.
i love getting lost in a book and usually cry when the story is over.
i love handwritten letters, but i don't write in my journal as much as i would like.
i have three beautiful girls and don't long for a son.
i am spending less time than ever on the computer and find it agrees with me.
i delight in being on time.
i live close to the mountains, but don't use them like i should.
i dream of roaming the world with adam and my camera.
i have a random manner of speaking that is often mistaken for humor.
i don't mind being lost, it often brings the best discoveries.

if we met over hot cocoa in the dim light, I'd tell you...
i rarely regret what I do only what I don't do.
i know life can be hard, unfair at times, and it's my faith in Christ that keeps me whole.
i believe british films can mean the difference between a good day and a bad one.
my greatest fear is not being enough for those who are counting on me.
i am a product of all that i have been through.
i hate that i am constantly falling short of where i want to be.
i want to be seen--understood.
i am grateful for my right to choose for myself.
i take photographs to share with the world a piece of me.
i don't need a lot, but i do need love.

xo

a leap

I never knew that much about motherhood when I took it on myself. I mean, the only knowledge I had was based on childhood memories watching my own mother and imagining what it would be like. It's funny the fairy tale I placed in my head about what a mother is. As a child an adult seems so free, in charge, so put together. Never did I understand that once a woman gives life she is forever tied to that small person--her thoughts, her dreams, and desires are never far from her children's heart.

I guess motherhood is a funny thing. You never really understand it until you do it yourself. It's a leap of faith. No one can really explain it, you just have to do it and give yourself over to the experience that will inevitable change your life forever. I jumped without really considering how it would change me, all I knew is being a mother is what I wanted. Not only have I never regretting my decision to jump, but becoming a mother has been one of the greatest gifts in my life and taught me more than I could have ever believed possible.



As a mother I find myself in many situation where I'm the giver, the teacher, but as time goes on I am more than ever before in awe at how much my girls teach me, how much they give me. I am forever changed by my three smiley, messy haired, loud, happy little girls that cover me with kisses as they stand at the door ready for school, their race to be the first one to tell me about their day as we drive home together, or their enthusiasm for cuddling in bed together to watch a movie or read a book.

Life is forever changed in the best possible way, and to think, I may have never known if I didn't take the leap.

xxox
g

Thirty-five

When I was headed to meet my family for lunch this afternoon I thought of this picture of me blowing out my candles on my second birthday. I don't remember the actual moment, in fact so many of my childhood memories are finding their way to that forgotten place deep in my mind, but I can recall the times I looked at this photo while growing through the years and I can remember German chocolate cake with it's pecan and coconut frosting to be a favorite of mine.



Immediately upon finding this photograph I was draw to my mother. I couldn't help, but think of this picture I took of myself in January and couldn't believe the resemblance between the two of us--her dark hair and eyebrows, distinct cheek bones, hair identical in style, and even wearing an outfit I might wear today.

If I have my math right, and I'm certain I do, my mom is 30 in this photograph (or days from turning 30) so I'm a few years older than her. I'd be celebrating my seventh birthday in this picture if my mom was 35 and it occurred to me more than before the way our lives mirror each other. She was here once, living the life I live now--young family, small kids. I imagine if I read her journals from those years she would share some of the same worries and concerns, have the same sort of dreams, and long to be the best wife and mother she could just like me.

From generation to generation big things change, life experiences make imprints and change our direction, but the little things, they stay the same. What was important to her then is important to me now. I think this must be God's way of telling us how much we need each other. She has wisdom that I need, she's done this before, and can't imagine a better woman to learn from--the woman who is responsible for my birthday.

I feel extremely blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. I would not be the person I am today without each one. And I say that with all sincerity. So thank you. Thank you for your friendship and love. Thank you for always reminding me that I am better than I think I am.

xxox,
amy gretchen

mindful

I started reading Crow Lake Sunday night and found myself grateful I had picked it up while I was alone--Adam was out of town--to devour the words. Mary Lawson, the author, captured so perfectly the moments you go through when someone you love passes away. The way your life slows down and you remember all the pieces of the moment & the moments leading up to it as if burned in your memory. I finally had to put the book down as I found myself reflecting with the author about my own experience and how they compared.


[iphone instagram app]

The day before my brother died, Sunday, I remember like it was yesterday, the way he stood up after church, gave my sister and I a hug at the same time and said, "i love you guys". I remember how we both randomly ended up at my cousins that evening. I didn't know he was going to be there and vice versa, it just happened that he showed up with friends and we were all hanging out. It doesn't seem that random, except it was, that had never happened before. I don't recall the specifics of what was said or even if we hung out that much, but I do remember being in my aunt's bedroom and he was there and I think maybe he was making fun of me about the boy I liked. There was some lively banter, though like I said, it is vague. Then I was at the door leaving, he was there too, I swear he was teasing, he said something to the boy, but the memory is faint, and then I left and that was the last time I saw him.

When I roll these images around in my head of those final moments I am disturbed by the large chunks of time left missing. I don't remember what happened after church to the time we saw each other at our cousins. I don't remember if we had dinner as a family or what we talked about, I hope we did, but I don't know, that time is blurry--and so is our goodbye. I think maybe if I spoke with some of the people there that night I may be able to piece it all together, get a better picture, in fact I'm almost sure I could, but it bugs me that some moments are held tight while others drift away.

I never really made a connection until I was reading Sunday and it got me thinking about my final goodbye with my brother that goodbyes are not something I take lightly anymore. Death changes you. It just does. If you've been through it, you know exactly what I mean and while we all mourn differently and at our own pace, at the other end we come out of it completely different--changed. It's impossible not to, tragedy does not leave one unscathed. And in this one thing, parting, I am completely different than I once was. Goodbyes hold a lot more meaning to me now, and I know this is going to sound completely insane and morbid, but you never do know when it will be your last. In all our years of marriage there have only been a few times where I've let Adam leave on bad terms and let me just tell you, I can't go a few hours without calling and making things right with him. Mostly I end up at the last minute, just in the nick of time, running down the stairs and seeing him get into his car, me waving from the door and telling him I love him--you just never know.

And it's not so much the saying goodbye as much as it's remembering that moment. When the girls leave for school I love them up, send them on their way, and watch them disappear up the hill. It's not really something I do consciously, I'm not standing there wondering if it's the last time I will see them, but deep down I think I'm trying to burn the memory of that moment into my brain. And not even in the case of death, more so, I do it so that I'm present right then and I'll have it to recall on later. I guess you could say remembering has become vitally important to me and don't doubt it has something to do with why I document my life. I don't want to forget where we are or where we've come from.

I guess you could say my experience with death taught me that I want to live a mindful life. I'd like to say that I'm awesome at living mindfully, that I've been living that way since that fateful day in 1992, and even though I don't think I do such a bad job of it, it's still something that I'm continually perusing and working towards. I want to be present in the moment, to be aware of who's around me and what they need, to be mindful of the time given, to be grateful for what I have when I have it now--not when it's gone.

I wish that was a lesson I could have learned another way, but I am grateful, today, that I learned it nevertheless.

xxox

i have, have you?

--Have you ever had a dream that stays with you all day?
--Have you ever found yourself so deep in thought in the shower that when you finally come back you're unsure how much time has past?
--Have you ever let a song take you back to a different time?
--Have you ever waited by the phone hoping it will ring with your loved one on the other end telling you they've made it safely?
--Have you ever been tempted to sneak a peek under the tree?
--Have you ever rediscovered an artist you've know about for years?
--Have you ever found something so cute you had to have it, and so you do, even though you don't have the money?
--Have you ever been so excited to get your hair done you arrive 1/2 hour early to your appointment?
--Have you ever had a cute day where you change your plans so you can go on the outside?
--Have you ever been so overwhelmed that you forget it all and pick up a novel instead?
--Have you ever roamed around your house looking at the photos on the walls, the clutter on the table, and the stuff on the floor and been so grateful for your life.
--Have you ever found yourself cleaning your toilet, grateful you have a toilet to clean?
--Have you considered yourself a "clean" person, but look around and wonder how it got so messy?
--Have you ever bought a song because of the tune and then you hear the lyrics and realize there explicit?
--Have you ever found yourself taking photographs without a camera?
--Have you ever been singing your heart out in the car only to look over and see the girl next to you singing the same song?
--Have you ever played musical chairs as a 30 something, got totally into it, and made it to the bottom two?
--Have you ever found yourself doing something you never thought you could?

I have, have you?

watching

"Write whats in here (heart) because you must, because it pleases you, but never because you want someone else to like what you've said." -Kate Morton, Distant Hours



My occasion to be ill yesterday gave me more than enough time to stew in my own thoughts. To be blissfully unaware of what happenings were going on outside the door, Christmas prep no doubt, and be conscious in thought of what lie dormant. Though nothing really does lie dormant for too long in my mind. I am not one to hid from myself, just from others. I tease, only a little, as I know there is some truth to that. I, who am becoming quite comfortable with me, will more often than I like to admit let my mind drift about what others might think. It is something I gave a lot of thought to yesterday--a returning lesson I am beginning to see reach it's final destination. The more I look at my life and love it, the more I silence all the outside voices because, as we all know, their voices don't matter, only the opinions of those we love.

As my thoughts progressed I began thinking about the upcoming year, what I want to accomplish, my dreams for the near future, and relationships--ones to keep and strengthen and ones to healthy give away. In particular I thought about my relationship with my girls.

As I watched them come home from school yesterday--shuffle in with coats, gloves, hats, and backpacks, throwing papers in my view, telling me grands stories of their day, tests they had passed, friends they had played with, funny instances with the snow, all the while desperately looking for an afternoon snack that quickly fell on apples and oranges. As I watched this scene unfold from the comfort of my couch, still being lazy in my sickness, I wondered where their lives would go. What they wanted exactly and what they would do to see their dreams come true? Would they be willing to put in the time? Would they be willing to put in the effort? Did they, in fact, have dreams? I wondered.

I guess you could say in that moment I hoped for their happiness. Life creeps up on you too quickly and before you know it, if you're not careful, you don't recognize the person you see in the mirror. I don't want that for them. I want them to seize happiness at every moment. To live presently, to give openly, and take no thought of what others might think of them. It occurred to me, though not for the first time, as I watched them delight in our afternoon routine, how they watch me. How I have become a roll model to them for nothing more than the fact that I brought them into this world. That they looked to me first before another. And that if I don't live my life that way, why would they?

I almost, right then and there, let the fear take over and anxiety kick in, but I think I wasn't strong enough for that yesterday and now that I have my wits about me and hormonally I am sound, all I can do is start from where I am at today. No sense getting bothered about what can't be undone in the past (remember this amy). It's true, I have a lot of things I would like to change, especially because I know my girls are watching, but also because I know it's the path that will lead me to where I want to go. Fear never gets us where we want to be and neither does lamenting about things we cannot change.

A wise person once told me, you can only change yourself. It took years for me to truly understand that. Years to settle into the notion that if my life was to improve I needed to stop pointing the finger and make the changes within me. That's what made the biggest difference--that's when I noticed I was growing.

You see, that is what I hope my girls to see. Although I am riddled with flaws and am miles away from where I want to be. I hope they see a woman who is not afraid of change, who is willing to do the work to see her dreams come true, who cares deeply for the people in her life. I desperately want them to see a woman they can count on, a woman they admire, a woman worthy of emulating.

Because if I do nothing else with my life than to be their mother, a friend, a woman they can laugh with, confide in, and sit quietly with--my life shall be full indeed.

No, fuller. My life already feels full and am thankful daily for it.

xoxo,
amy gretchen

closer to whole

A few days into Squam I felt so out of place, like I didn't belong and had no idea what I was doing there. It was then that I had a moment with the founder Elizabeth MacCrellish. She in her great wisdom and intuition invited me into her space and would not let me leave no matter how much I pleaded through the tears, I'm fine. I'm good. Don't worry about me. She did not give up so easily, but worked with me patiently until I could put a name to my pain. I let her in and when I did I felt her sincere love and began to feel what I had been missing all this time. Thank you Elizabeth for seeing me. For really seeing me.

I've been trying to write for days the feelings in my heart of what this experience meant to me...what she means to me. I've been trying to share how she broke down my barriers and I went from feeling so unsure of myself to a woman full of peace and light. I've written about four different drafts and each time I walk away and come back to it something just doesn't feel right. It wasn't until my conversation with Adam this afternoon that I realized I'm trying to make sense of it by looking into the past and answering the question "Why? Why do I feel this way? Why did this happen?" when i should be taking what I've learned about myself and use it going forward.

I don't know why I don't feel like I deserve to be loved.
I don't know why I sometimes hold people at a distance.
I don't know why I can't see myself the way others do.
I don't know why I lack self confidence.
What I do know is I have a fire deep within me that Elizabeth lit. It is small and fragile, but it is very much alive and desires to grow. I've come to the conclusion that it cannot grow unless I choose to let it.



It is no wonder the word I chose to focus on this year is CHOOSE. It seems like so many things in my life keep coming back to this seemly simple, yet very powerful word. Am I going to choose to focus on these thoughts that tare me down or am I going to focus my energies in believing in myself and sharing what goodness I have to offer the world? I think that can be a very scary proposition. We have a huge risk at getting hurt when we open ourselves up, but I believe when we finally surrender and give all of ourselves we get all of the love and goodness back. I am in the process of continually learning when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable beautiful things happen and we are blessed because of it.

So today I'm choosing to be vulnerable. To focusing on the good. To focusing on the light. To focusing on love and letting myself heal from the past.



I woke up this morning to the quiet. I never thought I would miss the sound of the crashing waves repeatedly against the shore as much as I do. They are the sounds of a healing soul. Of a woman determined to make right a wounded heart. They are the sounds of women coming together with commonality. Of women connecting and relationships forming. I fell in love with the sea, with the sound of the waves, but really what I fell in love with are the women and their strength and their light. Something amazing happens we come together with the same hopes and desires...we all come away feeling feed, full, and closer to whole than when we arrived.

xoxo,
amy gretchen