pieces of joy

I believe we are meant to have joy in this life. Real lasting joy. I know from experience it can be really easy to get caught up in your struggles, to get overwhelmed by life's heartaches. Pain tends to take precedence, or at least it does in my life. I get depressed, I become a hermit, and I get stuck.

We all have heartaches and trials, it's just apart of this life. It's our way to grow and experience the world so we will become better individuals. As much as I wish it didn't have to be this way, I know there are lessons I couldn't have learned any other way. And while I wasn't grateful for my trials then, I can say now I am grateful for the woman it has helped me to become.

The problem is when we are down and struggling it is too easy to focus on what hurts and stop seeing all the good that's in our life -- because even when we struggling there is still good.

Especially when we struggle we need to see the good.

The Week In The Life project this past week has done exactly that for me. It helped me to see all the little moments, the bits and pieces of joy that make up my life I often fail to notice. It helped me to slow down and be more intentional, thoughtful. It helped me to see where I fall short, what I could be doing better, what we as a family could be doing better. It has help me to want to live my life more with intention. It helped me to see how much I have missed my camera.

This project lite a fire in me. I don't know what it means or how it will take shape, but I pray it hang out with me awhile. I have been waiting for this. I needed this. Thank you Ali for inspiring me to capture last week. I will never forget it.

a delicate balance

On our drive to Mexico, yes i know -- crazy, I had amble time between intermittent conversation, listening to podcasts/talks, and reading to get some good thinking done. I had 16 hours people and when you consider round trip was 32 hours I had a lot of time on my hands. (actually putting it in those terms I should have got way more done. :/)

One of the things that filled up my head space was navigating through being the mother of a teenage daughter. I knew this day would come, I had feared it in a way, not really knowing what to expect. I have been pleasantly surprised, thus far, with the ease of this transition. I have loved the ability to have serious conversations with her, you know the kind where they can actually participate with their own thoughts and ideas? Ya that. We are communicating and I have been forever grateful of what has come up, the depth to which we have been able to talk. I trust her, she trusts me, and although we don't always sees eye to eye and I know sometimes I drive her crazy when I remind her of her commitments (e.g. violin or school -- trust me I've had the eye roll plenty of times), there has always been an open dialog where we can talk honestly. (Yes I know this is likely to change as she grows and needs different things from me, but for now I am grateful for where we are at.)



She knows I will always been there, at least I hope she knows, but there is always room for improvement. I need to be a better listener. You know when you talk to a man (most men) and all they want to do is fix the problem when all you want them to do is listen? I think too often my first reaction is to answer like a man or maybe I should be fair to men and say answer like a mother and I give my opinion too decidedly. As the words are spewing from my mouth it occurs to me that she never really asked for my advise per say, she's just bouncing off ideas. She just needs to talk and needs me to listen.

Sometimes I worry. I don't want her to make mistakes or fumble. I want her to be able to learn from my experience, you know give her a leg up, save her from pain, but this is her life and her experience and the only way for her to grow is to go through it in her own way and on her own path. I need to trust that she's got it under control. And I do. I need to not be so quick to jump in and allow her come to her own conclusions. Unless of course she needs me and then I'm all in.

I'm all in.

It's quite a delicate balance, I have decided, this mothering gig, to do right by your child and be for them what they need, when they need, and how they need. I'm trying not to get to overwhelmed as I type that. It's a learning experience for me too, isn't it? Even when I think I've got this one figured out I've got two more girls months/years from getting all teenagery (let's be honest, if they haven't already) and I know my experience with them will be vastly different then the one I'm having now. My girls are all so different and they'll need different things from me. In fact, I will be maneuvering through these unclear waters for quite some time. Who am I kidding, I will always be learning how to be their mother as the years progress and my girls life circumstances change.

Life is great that way, isn't it? Always giving us opportunities from growth. :)

everything

Due to the fact that my trip to Las Vegas was mainly a working trip for Adam I found myself alone for the majority of the day. At first it was a welcome break, but then as the days continued it was another reminder to me that I don't like being alone. Although it is always nice to get a break from the everyday, the everyday is everything I want.

I love my life.

lighten up

DO | 2007

LIVE | 2008

GIVE | 2009

CHOOSE | 2010  

TRUTH | 2011

Ah, the five little words that have significantly impacted who I am in the last 1/2 decade.

They hold meaning to me on a very personal level, and each time I hear one or read it in a passage, I can't help think about the year it was mine and how it shaped me over the 365 days. So much so that I've considered several times recycling one of the words from my list because it made such a difference. What I never realized when I started the practice of choosing a word each year, was that the word would not only help me throughout my year and give me focus, but would stay with me long after the year had past. As silly as it sounds, these words are apart of me now and have been apart of my time since.

You will notice that 2012 is missing from the list. It's not a mistake, I never did choose a word last year. It wasn't intentional, I thought very carefully for a long time, but that long time turned into months and before I knew it 2012 was wordless. Looking back I completely think it was meant to be. While 2012 was an amazing year for many reasons, and a hard year for others, it was apparently a year of breaks, reinvention, and letting go. I got exactly what I wanted (so to speak) in 2012 and I guess you could say I needed to allow myself to be present, all in (thanks tracey), if you will, as I realized my dream, but I also wanted a chance to realign my goals and figure out what was next.



“Whatever you are physically...male or female, strong or weak, ill or healthy--all those things matter less than what your heart contains. If you have the soul of a warrior, you are a warrior. All those other things, they are the glass that contains the lamp, but you are the light inside.” ~Cassandra Clare

LIGHT. 

2013 will be a year full of light.

I want to focus on the light and continue to see the good in my everyday. 
I want to do the things that will keep the light in my life.
I want to share the light within me. 
I want to find time to seek out the light -- photography. 
I want to be open to the light of others. 
I want to let my light shine.

two a.m.

It's 2am and here I lay in bed listening to the howling of the wind, the violent rain pelting against the windows with only a hint of a headache remaining.

I'm not sure why I'm up (do we ever really know?), but I'm grateful I'm feeling whole again. A few hours ago, right around 6pm, I started getting a headache that progressed worse by the minute. By 7pm I was in bed, lights off, trying not to throw up. My efforts were in vain -- it's unfortunate I had pizza for dinner.

Tess had been sick with the very same symptoms Sunday, I feel so bad thinking about it now, she was in a lot of pain if it was anything like mine. I'm wondering though, if I wasn't sick at all, but just experiencing my first migraine. I can specifically remember being around Bella's age and watching my mom hide in her room, pillow over her head with the lights off. Tell me that is not my future -- don't migraines tend to come in bundles?

I can't be sure what the girls did from 7pm on, they were so good to leave me alone in my misery. I wonder if that's what my mom thought too? As I laid there suffering I was sure sleep would never come, but I must have nodded off because as I actively waited for Adam to come home, I never did actually hear him walk through the door.




You know I was just thinking the other day how grateful I am for my health, but it's never meant more to me than it does this morning, and I celebrated too. I ran around my house this morning cleaning like a maniac -- just because I could.

Have a fabulous safe weekend! I know I will. Daniel Craig is on my to do list. Anyone else plan to see Skyfall opening weekend? 

a photograph

I know this seems like just a sunset, one like I've shared many times on my blog before, but when I look at it I see woman with similar passions, and yet still quite different. I see woman who started off as strangers and quickly became friends. I feel the overwhelming sense that I've been patiently waiting for them, that we were always meant to meet. I hear conversions that easily flowed from one subject to the next as if we have known each other a long time. I remember trespassing, or so we thought, to get a better view. I hear unabandoned laughter and recall publicly falling, on my bum, in an attempt to get the shot. I recall stocking up at the convenient shop with chocolate and other goodies, and eventually getting that steak we spoke about on the first day.


Sometimes that night is such a blur, it was only last week, and yet, it seems so far away, but then I see this photograph and it easily brings me back to those moments. And I realize, there is no need to mourn the loss of that evening, we will have it again. Hopefully sooner than later.

I miss you!

Memories -- what a gift.

thoughts from a late night movie

I cried myself to sleep last night after staying up far too late watching Meet Joe Black -- I love that movie. I'd like to blame it on the music, the soundtrack is so full of emotion it gets me every time, but the truth is, there are many moments in the film that touch on the frailty of this life that hit me deep down.

Like this one ---

"I thought I was going to sneak away tonight. What a glorious night. Every face I see is a memory. It may not be a perfectly perfect memory. Sometimes we had our ups and downs. But we're all together, and you're mine for a night. And I'm going to break precedent and tell you my one candle wish: that you would have a life as lucky as mine, where you can wake up one morning and say, 'I don't want anything more.' Sixty-five years. Don't they go by in a blink" -William Parrish | Meet Joe Black 1998

Tell me it's not just me. That's good stuff, no?

But in particular, it was one of the last scenes where William Parrish (Anthony Hopkins) and Joe Black (Brad Pitt) are getting ready to leave this life for the last time that had me teary. Both of them looking out at the world longingly, realizing more than ever that life, with all it's heartache and misunderstanding, is beautiful. The most beautiful of them, and the thing we long for the most, the thing that will be hardest to walk away from, are the relationships we've created -- simply put, love. While I believe wholeheartedly that the next life is better than even what we have here, and we will continue on with those relationships, it is still bittersweet, I imagine, to leave behind the place where your experiences began, where your most important lessons were learned, and you were given the agency to make your life into whatever it is you wanted.

Even writing that makes me antsy. I so long to live with no regrets, enjoying all the pieces, the ups and down, or maybe I should more accurately say, appreciating the uncomfortable moments for what they have taught me and helped me to become.

And while my life is living proof that teaching moments never cease, I know I couldn't possibly get through this life without my friends, family, and loved ones. After all, we were never meant to walk our path alone. How grateful I am for those of you who have crossed my path and joined me along the way. What you have given me is truly a gift. It is a blessing to know what we create here, will carry with us to the next. 

xoxxo

wish i could take you there...

You know if I was a better writer I would be able to share Squam with you in a way that would make you feel like you were there with me. I suppose that's how I found photography in the first place because i needed a way to express what I couldn't say in words. Squam has always been that, an experience too close to me that words cannot do it justice.

I wish I could take you all there. We'd swim in the cool lake till we couldn't stand it any longer. We'd sit on the dock laughing and talking with other woman about anything and everything. We'd get lost walking along the paths on our way to class. We'd sit for a spell and listen to the birds, the crickets, the rustling of the leaves, and acorns descending to the ground. We'd clear our mind with yoga. We'd meet new woman who quickly felt like old friends. We'd sit by the fire eating chocolate and telling stories. We'd participate in silly, photo reenactment games. We'd feel free and open to whatever the week had in store for us.

Instead of sharing photos, in the traditional sense, I made a video/slideshow of my experience at Squam a couple weeks ago. One of my goals this year was to learn to make videos. Sigh. I have so much to learn, 1) being actually taking the videos. I'm still in photograph mode. Anyway, here is my first of, I hope, many creations.



squam love | fall 2012 from amy gretchen on Vimeo.

The days I've spent walking the woods surrounded with these woman have made such an impact on me. They have truly touched my life for good and how grateful I am our paths crossed. The strength I've come home with after each session is helping me get closer to the woman I'm striving to be. Thank you for being apart of my story.

But don't take my work for it, come! Come and see how SquamArtWorkshops can change you?

see more photos from squam here.

twenty eleven

I spent the day yesterday in bed, well, all expect for the time I spent helping Tess with her science project, sick with a headache and sore throat, taking it easy so hopefully I would be able to celebrate the new year with style today. Happily it worked. I am feeling more myself, even though I could go for a nap right now.

Anyway, it gave me amble time to think about this past year -- my ups and downs, the goals I saw through and the ones where I fell short. I thought about this new year, 2012, my hopes and dreams. What I want to accomplish, and where I want to be at years end.



This past year, 2011, I spent my days focused on living my truth and after thinking it through yesterday I will say I am pleased with my efforts. I mean, of course there is a lot I hoped I would do differently -- I wanted to do more projects, get off sugar, I need to do better at focusing on the light, and I'm still haunted with the same lessons time and again, but it was definitely an abundant year full of growth and goodness. Friendships were strengthened, dreams came true, and I was again reminded how much we need one another.

I think that was one of the biggest lesson I learned or I should say was reminded of because I've learned it plenty, that life was not meant to be journeyed alone and we certainly can't do it without each other. And you know what, I'm glad because I don't want to. Another big lesson I learned was living my truth took courage, but when I let go of my fears and focused on the light added strength was given to me and I was able to do what I needed/wanted.

Tonight I will be ending the year full of gratitude in my heart for the individuals (some new, some old) that made an impact on my life, for the continued closeness that I found with Adam, for the bonds I forged with my girls, and for all the lessons I learned, even if for the fourth or fifth time, that I will take with me as I continue on with twenty twelve.

Happy New Year friends! May this new year bring with it an abundance of joy and goodness.

xoxo

silver lining

“You don't know which way a thing will come at you, but you need to welcome it with your whole heart which ever way it arrives.”
~ Joan Bauer

I'm a planner. I like to plan. I'm not suggesting that I don't like to be spontaneous, I do, I just have a harder time with the unexpected. You can imagine then how difficult and almost maddening it is to live in a world that is constantly throwing curve balls and derailing me from my original plan. You'd think by now with my 35+ years behind me I would be use to it, all the changes, but I'm not. Secretly I just wish everything would move according to plan.

But I know, and have embraced the fact that in this life that's never going to happen so I'm trying harder to make a conscious effort to take life as it comes. When I sit back and really look at each situation individually I realize how much more I would get out of a situation when I choose to see the good instead of focusing on the change.

Case in point. Airlines are among my biggest pet peeves. I admit, as of late I have had amazing luck, but there have been plenty of times when I have not. It's hard to try and find the silver lining when your vacation is waiting for you to arrive and you're stuck in Dallas (no offense to Dallas, but I was suppose to be in Spain and I was in TX), but I know it can be done. Perhaps it would give me a chance to meet someone new or find a new book or take some interesting photographs.

Motherhood is probably the best example of this. I can't count the amount of times my day has been derailed by a sick child or sleep that has been lost at the expense of mothering. Although these are not my favorite situations, I realize they have always offered me more time with my little one that I have always been grateful for.

It's definitely easier said than done to find the silver lining, like I said, it's hard for me to adjust. Normally my flight or fight kicks in and I do what needs to be done, but unfortunately there's usually a level of grumpiness that creeps in I wish wouldn't come. I am working on it day to day, and wouldn't you know, am getting lots of practice.

Life happens, plans change, and as you know often there's not a whole lot we can do to get back to where we started. Life has a way of twisting and turning and taking us to places we never intended to go, but I think that's exactly what needs to happen. I believe there is a way for each one of us, but the way we think is best may not be the way we need to go. What I'm trying to say is we really don't know what's all in store for us, we don't know all we need to learn and what our experiences will teach us so we should embrace everything, the ups and downs that come our way, and trust it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

It's too bad just because I know something doesn't mean it's easy to do. Perhaps one day, but for now, like I said, it's a good thing I'm getting lot of practice. :)

lessons from my first 1/2 marathon

taken with iphone

01. Running is--dare I say fun? Or at least that's what I would have said at mile 6. I'm not saying running is fun for running sake, but I understand now why people get addicting to races. The sound of deep breaths and many feet striking the pavement all around me made me feel like I was apart of something big.

02. Choose a race that is beautiful, terrain that you will simply be in awe of as you weave back and forth. I watched the sun rise over the red rocks as I made my way down Snow Canyon. It was stunning and relevant to where I was and what I was doing. All you have out there is your thoughts and found it helpful to have something beautiful to look to.

03. Running in the cold is ideal. I remember one of my friends posted on facebook how her favorite temperature to run in was the high 40s low 50s. I thought she was absolutely crazy, but now I understand. Saturday morning it was cold, about 32 degrees, but it was perfect for running long distance. I wasn't 2 miles in before I stripped down to only a t-shirt and gloves. On that note, I should have run with my arm warmers instead. The only thing that got cold from time to time was my wrists. Strange.

04. Run with a friend. I really loved knowing that I wasn't alone. We actually didn't even run it together, but knowing she was there, working toward the same goal, gave me strength and comfort.

05. If I regret one thing it would be that I wasn't able to run with my camera. There were just too many times I wish I could have captured certain moments throughout the race. I wonder when the time will come that we will be able to take pictures with our eyes without them fading?

06. Embrace imperfections. Undoubtedly something is going to happen that's not ideal. Body aches and pains you've never felt before, chaffing in odd places, uphills that were unexpected, wind working against you. Accept that it's apart of your experience and move on.

07. You may be what someone else needs. At one point for about 2-3 miles I noticed this guy in a green neon shirt running next to me. Finally I had found someone I could pace with, seemed everyone else was passing me up. Toward the end before I pull away from him I wondered who was pacing with whom? I love to imagine we were helping each other.

08. If you've trained you have no need to fear. I thought the night before I would have been a wreck with worry and anticipation. You would have been proud of me, I was calm and peaceful. I was ready.

09. Running is a mind game. If you tell yourself you can, you can. Trust me. If I can run 13.1 miles anyone can.

10. I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 A young man (guessing 18) ran passed me toward the beginning of the race with this scripture written in black ink across his back. I didn't really think about it again until mile 10.5 when everything started to fall apart. I think the term is, I hit my wall. For one, I couldn't breath because I got water down my trachea, never good, the wind kicked up, we started running uphill, I was hurting and becoming fully aware of my fatigue. Doubt crept in in a serious way and I started to lose focus. I wasn't sure I could continue on. It was then that my one song came on that always pumps me up and gives me energy and I immediately thought back to the shirt I had seen at the beginning of the race. I have no doubt that song coming on just then was a tender mercy from the Lord. I felt loved and understood and was given what I needed. When we do our part and do all we can, God gives us strength to continue on.

11. It feels amazing to see a goal through to the finish line. Although I have been afraid and intimidated by running a 1/2 marathon (do you realize how far that is??) I've always wanted to do it. It's been on my bucket list for years, remember how devastated I was two years ago when I injured my back and I wasn't able to run with Robyn? What an amazing feeling it was to cross the finish line, exhausted, knowing I had given everything I could. Did I say this already? I understand why racing is addicting.

12. Enjoy it. Toward the end when I really started struggling like I have already written about and the race stopped becoming "fun" I keep telling myself to enjoy it, particularly the end, because I may never do it again. This lesson seems to crept into my life more often than I care to admit. As we all know life is full of ups and down, but regardless of what we are facing this experience is meant to be enjoyed. I can't be sure if I will ever run another race, part of me wants to, part of me doesn't, but for now I am just grateful for what this experience taught me and that I enjoyed the whole of it.


Finished results:
distance: 13.1 miles
time: 1:51:00.7
pace: 8:28/M

case in point

It's moments like these that I savor and cling to. Little random gatherings that could so easily be meaningless or forgotten, but that become so much more and stay with you long after it's gone.



I'm not even sure how it all started. Each girl, one at a time, ended up on my closet floor with me. We joked, we teased, we laughed, and then the conversation turned when one said to me, "Mom, I'm scared something will happen to you while I'm at school." I paused. What do you say to that? With my heart in my throat, I know this fear, wanting so badly to reassure her, but knowing there are no guarantees I answered her the best I could.

And then as if the hug broke the spell, more laughing, more teasing and we moved on from the heaviness of that topic. Of course, I didn't move on so quickly. After the girls left for school I sat in the quiet for a while, prayed my girls would never have to experience the sickening loss that is death, and yet, I knew I was asking too much. It will touch their life at some point, I just pray it is years and years and years away.

Today as I reflect back on that morning, I'm so grateful for my relationship with my girls. Grateful for moments like these, and although I'm without all the answers, how grateful I am that we can so easily share and confide in each other our hopes and fears. I pray we will always have that.

evolve

I remember like it was yesterday, the conversation I had with a very experienced friend, who tried to convince me that one day life would seem busier than it was right then. I admit, it was hard to believe her. I guess you can never fully understand exactly what that means until you're there. I'm pretty sure I'm there, or at least it feels like I am. Days are blurring together, and amidst the morning bustle and after school activities/homework, I'm making every attempt to spend as much time with my girls as possible.

You know, it's always been important to me to spend quality time with my girls, but it's become apparently clear the last few days that the older they become it's not only important, but vital to get that one on one time together. I know that sounds like a no brainer, but I know days could easily go by without a meaningful connection unless you make an effort to make it happen.


[self portrait while driving bumper cars=a good time]

Recently I've learned four things: 1) It's amazing the types of feeling, thoughts, questions an eleven year old has--definitely much more thoughtful than I ever was at that age. 2) What's even more amazing is these thoughts and feelings change frequently, sometimes daily. 3) You won't always have the answers, and most likely won't be able to make it right. Gone are the days of putting a bandaid on the wound and kissing it better--seriously what happened to those days? 4) It doesn't matter if you don't have the answers. They want to be validated, heard, they want to be loved.

Above all else I've learned, motherhood changes as your children change and so I'm doing my best to evolve to be what my girls need me to be right now. For some reason "right now" is different than it was last week, go figure. So I'm learning to take queues, to listen, and patiently understand as we again enter another stage of mother and daughter.

tender mercies

you know those days when you wake up and nothings quite right? where your surrounded by people, lovely people, yet the loneliness weighs heavy on your heart and the woman in the mirror staring back at you is unrecognizable? you know when all you want to do is crawl in a hole and wait for any semblance of you to resurface?

sadly it's been one of those days.



today as i dealt with these feelings i can say with a surety that God is mindful of us and knows what we need, when we need it. i was drawn, out of the blue, to this photo i took weeks ago. it was a sunday and we had just spent the afternoon/evening together and we were getting ready for bed when a spontaneous tickle fight broke out. i have always enjoyed standing on the periphery hearing the rough and tumble of laughs and pleas. it was one of those happy moments where you hope your children never forget, and yet it has become a moment with a message for me. not only did it sooth my ache, but it stands to remind me how much i love my family life. they are my happiness.

but my ache had already been softened when i rediscovered a thoughtful card a dear friend of mine gave to me weeks ago. she could never had known when she gave it to me what it would mean to me in days to come. i guess we never do know how much our thoughtfulness today will help each other in the future. what a blessing it is to have such people in our lives who know and love us. i am grateful.

the cloud is lifting.
it will all be ok.

xo

on my mind

The rain is beating against my window now, but it has been lovely spring weather this week, despite the fact that it hasn't really looked lovely. The trees are still bare, the ground brown, no life to be seen, but I'm hoping a few weeks more will help solve that.



Perhaps the girls knew the weather was short lived because they've been out in it as much as possible. With day-light savings giving them a bit more light in the evenings they've spent their time outdoors playing house, restaurant, and fishing. (I quite enjoyed listening to them play through the window as I cleaned up the dinner dishes.) They even played for a few minutes this morning before they left for school.

My girls are in bed now and I'm posting to take my mind off or rather occupy my mind as I sit and wait for Adam to finally come home. Sadly, my week has been sort of a lonely one. I almost hate to admit it because Adam hasn't been gone that long, but with two trips back to back and both not something I had planned on, his being away has weighed on me. I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday to read, thinking that being around people would do the trick, but it almost made it worse--strangers just made me feel more secluded. Thank goodness for friends and a little bit of a mind game (positive thinking) I was able to end the day feeling myself again.

I've spent a lot of my time this week working on a gift for two friends who are 39+ weeks pregnant. I can't say what it is right at the moment, but I will share when I'm done and have given it to them. They are beautifully ready for #2 and I admit to be a wee bit jealous of their up and coming labor & delivery. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I long to have another baby of my own, rather I loved the experience of bringing a child into the world. There's something so beautiful about seeing your child you've carried for 9 months for the first time--there's just nothing like it. One of them has invited me to be there, to document this moment in her life, and I can't tell you what an honor it is to get to witness such a miraculous event. I pray I can give her something beautiful.

I've been getting bad headaches lately and I can't quite figure out where it's coming from. I'd like to think it's because I'm weaning myself off sugar, but I'm not entirely sure, I mean shouldn't that make my body happy? While I don't think it's anything serious or to be concerned with, I am wondering if there's a catalyst, and if so, what? I remember as a child my mom getting migraines. She would hide herself in her room, door closed, lights off and I never really understood it--unfortunately I do now. I hope it's not an age thing, though I don't recall her getting headaches now.

I hope you never mind my randomly random posts, after all, it's probably the best way to get to know me anyway. Just ask my friends, I am constantly hopping around from topic to topic--not something I'm fond of and would love to change, but for now it's me. I always do find it interesting to see where my mind will go when I sit down to post without something specific in mind. Who am I kidding, even when I've thought something through to post it always comes out different when I start to write it down. I think that's the beautiful thing about writing, often things become clear, answers come, once I work it all out on paper/screen. Do you find that to be true?

I think I shall leave it at that and say good night.
xo

a leap

I never knew that much about motherhood when I took it on myself. I mean, the only knowledge I had was based on childhood memories watching my own mother and imagining what it would be like. It's funny the fairy tale I placed in my head about what a mother is. As a child an adult seems so free, in charge, so put together. Never did I understand that once a woman gives life she is forever tied to that small person--her thoughts, her dreams, and desires are never far from her children's heart.

I guess motherhood is a funny thing. You never really understand it until you do it yourself. It's a leap of faith. No one can really explain it, you just have to do it and give yourself over to the experience that will inevitable change your life forever. I jumped without really considering how it would change me, all I knew is being a mother is what I wanted. Not only have I never regretting my decision to jump, but becoming a mother has been one of the greatest gifts in my life and taught me more than I could have ever believed possible.



As a mother I find myself in many situation where I'm the giver, the teacher, but as time goes on I am more than ever before in awe at how much my girls teach me, how much they give me. I am forever changed by my three smiley, messy haired, loud, happy little girls that cover me with kisses as they stand at the door ready for school, their race to be the first one to tell me about their day as we drive home together, or their enthusiasm for cuddling in bed together to watch a movie or read a book.

Life is forever changed in the best possible way, and to think, I may have never known if I didn't take the leap.

xxox
g

Thirty-five

When I was headed to meet my family for lunch this afternoon I thought of this picture of me blowing out my candles on my second birthday. I don't remember the actual moment, in fact so many of my childhood memories are finding their way to that forgotten place deep in my mind, but I can recall the times I looked at this photo while growing through the years and I can remember German chocolate cake with it's pecan and coconut frosting to be a favorite of mine.



Immediately upon finding this photograph I was draw to my mother. I couldn't help, but think of this picture I took of myself in January and couldn't believe the resemblance between the two of us--her dark hair and eyebrows, distinct cheek bones, hair identical in style, and even wearing an outfit I might wear today.

If I have my math right, and I'm certain I do, my mom is 30 in this photograph (or days from turning 30) so I'm a few years older than her. I'd be celebrating my seventh birthday in this picture if my mom was 35 and it occurred to me more than before the way our lives mirror each other. She was here once, living the life I live now--young family, small kids. I imagine if I read her journals from those years she would share some of the same worries and concerns, have the same sort of dreams, and long to be the best wife and mother she could just like me.

From generation to generation big things change, life experiences make imprints and change our direction, but the little things, they stay the same. What was important to her then is important to me now. I think this must be God's way of telling us how much we need each other. She has wisdom that I need, she's done this before, and can't imagine a better woman to learn from--the woman who is responsible for my birthday.

I feel extremely blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. I would not be the person I am today without each one. And I say that with all sincerity. So thank you. Thank you for your friendship and love. Thank you for always reminding me that I am better than I think I am.

xxox,
amy gretchen

lately I've noticed...

...when I smile at random strangers they always smile back.
...the birds singing in the morning.
...I get my best ideas at night.
...when I exercise I sleep better.
...when I do a lot of photo editing I always walk away from the computer with a headache.
...when I'm sick and confined to my bed I love watching cooking shows and dream of making new recipes.
...when I start the day with prayer I'm better able to handle what gets thrown at me.
...when I get in bed on a cold winter night after Adams already fallen asleep I get as close to him as I can without touching so I can soak up his warmth.
...I haven't watched tv all winter.
...I listen, unconsciously, to about the same 100 songs.
...there is new life growing on the trees.
...it's still light outside when we sit down for dinner.
...how much sweets are winning over savory.
...the delightful chatter between my girls in the morning.
...I much prefer paperbacks to hardcovers.
...how quickly a year flies by.
...transitioning from one stage of life to another isn't paved with smooth roads.
...we need each other.

mindful

I started reading Crow Lake Sunday night and found myself grateful I had picked it up while I was alone--Adam was out of town--to devour the words. Mary Lawson, the author, captured so perfectly the moments you go through when someone you love passes away. The way your life slows down and you remember all the pieces of the moment & the moments leading up to it as if burned in your memory. I finally had to put the book down as I found myself reflecting with the author about my own experience and how they compared.


[iphone instagram app]

The day before my brother died, Sunday, I remember like it was yesterday, the way he stood up after church, gave my sister and I a hug at the same time and said, "i love you guys". I remember how we both randomly ended up at my cousins that evening. I didn't know he was going to be there and vice versa, it just happened that he showed up with friends and we were all hanging out. It doesn't seem that random, except it was, that had never happened before. I don't recall the specifics of what was said or even if we hung out that much, but I do remember being in my aunt's bedroom and he was there and I think maybe he was making fun of me about the boy I liked. There was some lively banter, though like I said, it is vague. Then I was at the door leaving, he was there too, I swear he was teasing, he said something to the boy, but the memory is faint, and then I left and that was the last time I saw him.

When I roll these images around in my head of those final moments I am disturbed by the large chunks of time left missing. I don't remember what happened after church to the time we saw each other at our cousins. I don't remember if we had dinner as a family or what we talked about, I hope we did, but I don't know, that time is blurry--and so is our goodbye. I think maybe if I spoke with some of the people there that night I may be able to piece it all together, get a better picture, in fact I'm almost sure I could, but it bugs me that some moments are held tight while others drift away.

I never really made a connection until I was reading Sunday and it got me thinking about my final goodbye with my brother that goodbyes are not something I take lightly anymore. Death changes you. It just does. If you've been through it, you know exactly what I mean and while we all mourn differently and at our own pace, at the other end we come out of it completely different--changed. It's impossible not to, tragedy does not leave one unscathed. And in this one thing, parting, I am completely different than I once was. Goodbyes hold a lot more meaning to me now, and I know this is going to sound completely insane and morbid, but you never do know when it will be your last. In all our years of marriage there have only been a few times where I've let Adam leave on bad terms and let me just tell you, I can't go a few hours without calling and making things right with him. Mostly I end up at the last minute, just in the nick of time, running down the stairs and seeing him get into his car, me waving from the door and telling him I love him--you just never know.

And it's not so much the saying goodbye as much as it's remembering that moment. When the girls leave for school I love them up, send them on their way, and watch them disappear up the hill. It's not really something I do consciously, I'm not standing there wondering if it's the last time I will see them, but deep down I think I'm trying to burn the memory of that moment into my brain. And not even in the case of death, more so, I do it so that I'm present right then and I'll have it to recall on later. I guess you could say remembering has become vitally important to me and don't doubt it has something to do with why I document my life. I don't want to forget where we are or where we've come from.

I guess you could say my experience with death taught me that I want to live a mindful life. I'd like to say that I'm awesome at living mindfully, that I've been living that way since that fateful day in 1992, and even though I don't think I do such a bad job of it, it's still something that I'm continually perusing and working towards. I want to be present in the moment, to be aware of who's around me and what they need, to be mindful of the time given, to be grateful for what I have when I have it now--not when it's gone.

I wish that was a lesson I could have learned another way, but I am grateful, today, that I learned it nevertheless.

xxox

her widsom

A kinder gentler soul I could not meet and while she's so good and compassionate and loving to others, she is not very good to her. What I mean is, she doesn't see herself in the light that she sees everyone else. Watching her it hurts my heart because I know this is something she has inherited from me. I understand that feeling of seeing in everyone else all the good, but find it extremely difficult to look inwardly and see the same.



I found her one snowy afternoon during our Christmas break painting with her new paints. I watched her there for a minute, it made me so happy to see her deep in an art project, before I let her know I was there. Upon approaching her I caught sight of what she was working on--words, a reminder, and this is what it said,

art is the perfect talent for me! (don't forget)

My eyes swelled with tears and I almost lost it then, when i read her words, wondering if she knew just how powerful those affirmative words are. Sometimes our hearts lead us in places we don't feel adequate. We fall in love with something we don't do well or if at all. Tess loves art, but has often said she "doesn't feel good at it". Sound familiar? It does to me. It's hard to want to try when things don't come easy. Failure is a hard pill to swallow, but like J.K. Rowling said,

"it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all--in which case, you fail by default."

Our travels may come with failures and set backs, we may not be good at what we try first time, but at least that means we're living and inevitably those experiences will help us for the next time--for the next place our hearts lead us.

Tess not only are you an amazing artist, but you are insightful beyond your years. Thank you for reminding me that I am the only thing holding me back and how powerful my words can be at propelling me forward. Your truth is now my truth--art is the perfect talent for me! don't forget.


Have a great weekend.
xo