gratitude and potty talk

Monday was a great day for Megan and the potty and then slowly after that she seemed to be regressing. So much so that she doesn't want to go pee at all. On the potty or off. Yesterday she went an entire day without going once until 5pm, that included through the night. I was so upset by this thinking surely she is going to get sick that I was on he phone with her dr thinking, How bad is this and Could it be that she has an infection and it hurts to go? Today after pleading with her to go before her nap I gave up, put her to bed, fell to the ground in desperate need of help. When I got up I decided I was done. She obviously isn't ready. I'm stressed. She's stressed. It's so not worth it. I even resigned myself to think if I give up now she will most likely not do it before school starts in the fall and she won't be able to attend. At this point I'm ok with that. It's just not worth it.

When she woke up from her nap this afternoon I gave her a big hug, let her play with her sisters, and then got on her level and said, "Megan do you want to go back to diapers or continue to wear undies?" She looked at me with those big beautiful chocolaty eyes and said, "undies". I was shocked to hear her say that, but again explained to her what that meant and she said, "Ok". We are headed to the park and asked her to try before we left. She actually went. Perhaps she just needed it to be her decision and I have been making it mine. Whatever the case, I have lost my zeal and am just taking it one day at a time and hoping she will continue to want to and if not, I don't care.

So with all this stress going on I decided to do what helps me best and focus on other people. I have been making (my week project) and getting ready to send good mail and it definitely has lifted my spirits. Also after reading Elizabeth's gratitude post I was inspired to create my own because really I have more than enough things to be grateful for and I know you have better things to do than listen to me complain.



- number one being this sweet little girl of mine that makes me laugh at every turn. Oh how I love her and feel guilty for having the slightest bit of ill feelings toward her this week.
- sat/sun conference
- adam's patience
- my 3 girls
- health
- good weather
- changing attitudes
- creating
- hamburgers & fries
- smiles & hugs
- washer/dryer
- hot tub for relaxation
- blog friends
- cozy bed
- clean kitchen (thanks adam)
- a night together

Hope you have a great weekend.

this week

This week has been, to say the least, a crazy week. Dealing with potty training and trying to stay as positive as possible with Megan amongst the bumps in the road. As much as I think I'm mentally and physically prepared for this I have obviously forgotten the stress that comes with potty training. She is doing great, though has had her moments. I am hoping that she is truly getting it.

Besides the potty training I have obviously had a lot of my mind. Stuff that I just need to sort out and I apologize if I was too vague about it all yesterday, but there are still certain things that I need to keep just for me. I guess one would say, "then why bring it up at all". Well, I thought a lot about this today and what I came up with is this blog is a refection of the person I am...happy, sad, crazy, whatever it represents me. When I choose to post on SPT I didn't consider what I would write until I was writing it, so what came out of me was how I was feeling. I suppose I could hide it or fake my thoughts so as not to subject you all to my craziness, but then I feel like I'm cheating myself from an amazing experience and cheating all of you, my friends, from getting to know who I truly am. Emotional or not I hope my being real is what draws you to my blog as I am always truly inspired and grateful for the real I get to participate in everyday by reading your blogs.

With that said, I appreciate all your sweet words from yesterday. It's amazing what that does to lift a person up and how grateful I feel to have such an awesome support system. Today I feel good, just extremely exhausted due to potty training, seriously how could I forget how draining this is. I also want to thank Mindy for the yummy cadbury chocolate eggs (my easter fav)...what does it say about me that they are already gone? Carlo for the yummy Godiva dark chocolate bar...also gone and very delicious, and Amanda for the very cute homemade cards (post photo soon). Thank you ladies, they came at such a perfect time.

Oh and I couldn't end this post without leaving just one photo that makes me smile.

spt - spring fever

This has actually been a hard challenge for me as the last few days, though optimistic about somethings, my heart is yearning for guidance, hope, and faith about another.

I took this photos yesterday while playing with the girls outside on our newly refurbished swing set and had every intention to wake up this morning and post about how much I love spring, second only to the fall. The brightness it brings into my life literally and figuratively. The hope of starting over, that all things are possible, and that in this world of uncertainty rest assured there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Spring will overcome the darkness and life will again reign.

As I sit here writing and wanting for all that to have meaning I just keep coming back to this photo among the ones that I found yesterday.

It represents more of who I am today. Feeling a bit lost in the world. Desperately seeking answers. Trying to feel hope that although my whole is not found in the photo a piece of me still exists. I am here, moving fast, falling down, but I can be caught. I pray the running with stop and I will find the peace I seek. That truly spring will overcome the darkness.

She's doing it!

I was going to title this post wish me luck, but I think I'm a little past that. Yes I'm being very optimistic and hopefully rightly so. We have started potty training Megan. We began yesterday after church when the last diaper was gone from our house. She made it all day and through the night with no accidents. I was sure it was just a coincidence and that today would be a different story. I did all I could to prepare myself, I mean I'm no fool I've done this now 2 other times and know how hard it can be, but was determined to be as happy, patient, and understanding as possible with what I would face. Well, I'm thrilled to report Megan has been doing so good all day, though, a bit reluctant she is going and having NO accidents. I will spare you any details, but we have done it all...Hooray!

I have been wearing my heart of my sleeve all day, on a day that I already feel a bit overwhelmed with my feelings. I just can't imagine I will have no kids in diapers. It is something I have not known for 7 years, but have been dreaming about. Can you imagine, I'm sure some of you can, what it's like to buy and change diapers for 7 years? I just can't believe I'm here, in this place in my life. What a relief it is that I won't have to carry around diapers and wipes anymore, but oh how sad for what this really means. She is getting big, growing up, and although I'm ready for this, it does pull at my heart strings to know she is right on her way of not needing me anymore.

Oh how I would like to slow time just a bit.

she's seven

As I pull my groggy new 7 year old out of the vehicles this evening she asked, "Mom do I feel older?" Me, feeling completely puzzled ask her back, "Do YOU feel older?" She barely lifted her head and replied, "No, you know, am I heavier?"

That's my Bella for you. My sweet, logical, innocent girl.



It's so hard for me to imagine this little girl of mine is now 7. It doesn't seem like 7 years ago that I brought her home from the hospital. It doesn't seem like 7 years ago that I became a mother. It's doesn't seem like 7 years ago that my life was changed forever, and yet, as I watched her all day having the time of her life, indeed seven years has past away in a blink of an eye. Where does the time go?

Bella has always had a very special place in my heart. From the beginning I've known she was different from most kids. Often quiet and kept to herself. I have come to learn how much apart of her that quiet is. She needs it and even craves her time alone to recharge. I am impressed at how much she already understands herself to be willing to walk away and give herself time.



She is the sweetest person I have ever met. Though, still a kid and has her moments, she really lives to please and often gives into others so they will be happy. She has a big heart that she often times tries to hide, almost like she isn't quite sure how to let the emotion out. That's one of the reasons I feel she has turned to writing. I believe she is more comfortable expressing herself through her written word. I am grateful she has found an outlet and hope in time she will get to know this amazing beautiful person I see when I look at her.

Summer 06

She is fabulous at the violin and I've been amazed at how quickly she has picked it up. She tells me she wrote a story in school about becoming a professional violinist. I would love to see her reach that goal, especially since it has become something we do together. Apparently she is really great with rhythm and singing because she's singing in a duo next month at her school program. Speaking of school, she has a passion for learning and can pretty much memorize anything. It is her gift and I've often believed her to have a photographic memory.

Spring 06

She loves to play with friends (her 2 best above, and best cousin below), especially when make believe is involved. She has quite the imagination and is willing to bring anyone into her magical world that is willing. The current game is "cats & owners". Don't ask, but it literally takes my girls out of my hands for hours.

So today on her seventh birthday, since she is so fond of all things stuffed animal, I took her and her "best cousin" Whitney to build-a-bear.

It was quite the adventure and one I ended up doing all alone since Adam was sick. After picking up a cat named "Orange Stripe" and a dog named "first Maxie then later changed to Sophie" and a request to ride the Nordstrom escalators we headed to McDonald's. Then home for some playing so I could get a bit of down time. Then off again to a near by park. Once we got back we got ready and headed to Chili's (Bella's favorite) for dinner with my family. Back to my parents for cake and ice-cream and gifts. Just writing this all out makes me feel exhausted, especially since her father missed the whole thing :(. It was certainly a busy day, but she love it all. She told me when we got to my parents house, "today has been the best birthday ever!" I guess that makes all the running around & party planning totally worth it.

BTW she loved my gift.

busy friday

Today has been one of those day when I wonder how in the world I didn't get anything else done during the week. I have been busy busy moving from one project/activity to the next. Now I'm just beginning to feel on top of it, but do fear I may be forgetting something for Bella's birthday tomorrow. Good thing she doesn't have preconceived expectations.

Here is my project for the week.

Although, it is a gift I feel pretty safe knowing the recipient won't be reading my blog. It's a journal for Bella. When I went to parent teacher conference several weeks ago her teacher told me she was quite the writer and of all the kids in her class she loves writing the most. I was delighted by the news as I would love to be a better writer myself so I'm grateful she has found it. I love that she wants to write. I love that she chooses to express herself with a pen and paper. I love that she has a lot in her head that she feels compelled to let out. I hope these pages are filled with her words and that one day what she finds will be priceless.

my mac

Adam and I have this joke between us about macs. I would love to get one, he thinks I'm crazy. I actually agree with him more than he thinks. It just doesn't make sense for me to get one, at least not right now. Despite what some may say, Jared (bro to the sistas), the type of computing I use my computer for a PC is more than qualified. I've used photoshop with a mac, it performs exactly the same. Word, again the same. Internet, same. Just as fast...faster, well at least mine is. Plus, it just doesn't make sense to spend $1500 in new software and new ipods (did you know once formatted to one OS you can't use it on another). I priced the machine I want in both PC & mac and it would be at least 30% more for a mac. So why do I want one. Somewhere in the back of my mind they're cooler, perhaps I think it says something about you to own one. There advertisements are fabulous and the machine, well, the machine just look dang cool. And how can I look past that very cute apple on the front. So as I work my way through not being so vain I realize how foolish I am being, at least for now.

Ok, sorry for the tangent, now back to my story.

So since we have this running conflict between us it has turned into playful banter. Now when we watch TV, everyone has a mac on TV, and I see the apple looking back at me I poke him or make mention of it. When I see the oh so cool commercials I stop to watch them, when we go near the mac store I have to always go in. Remember that whole bit on my birthday about the gift with the apple on it. That was a joke too, of course I just happened to be right on. Stuff like that makes me laugh and I want to always keep it up.

Well, the other day Adam told me he had left his old laptop in my studio to use when I wanted to be mobile. Very cool. When I finally went to use it yesterday I found this....
Although he has the bite on the wrong side and the stem isn't connected I more than understood what he was saying. It made me laugh and smile. It truly made me feel loved. He knows me oh so well.

spt - luck o' the irish

Today I choose to focus on the Celtic knot I've worn everyday around my neck since it was given to me by Adam. It symbolizes "the intricacy of God's creation and man's circuitous path through life." Each day when I look at the twists and turns of the knot I am reminded how we are all connected. Each one of us connected to everything, and everything to us. "No matter how our lives may twist, turn and overlap we all fit together as part of the magnificent whole. No beginning. No End. Just one of God’s beautiful creations."

When I think about this concept in my life I am amazed at how we start out with as one individual and as we give and support we continue to spread until we are all intertwined in each other. Effecting thoughts. Effecting deeds. Effecting life.

Certainly this past year as I've opened up and am more willing to give of myself it has sparked a new journey. I recognize that in my path, my twists and turns fold around those in my life and every time I give, share, connect I am taking a part of each one of you and leaving a piece of me. I've always known that we effect each other, but I never understood until now that those pieces we are given from those in our life can make such a huge difference in becoming who we are. Truly I have been touched and affected by you and cannot ignore how it has shaped me and help me to find the me I've been searching for.

today...

I'm headed home after dropping Tess off to school imagining all that I'll get done while Megan is napping. Usually I don't hear a peep from her while driving home except, "I'm tried". A delightful sound I must say. Perhaps it is the nice warm weather or the sugar rush she had as we walked out the door, but over the music I can hear her from the back calling my name, "Mommy, I don't want to go right to bed. I want to go outside and take pictures." What? Totally new to me. I couldn't decide if she was trying to appeal to me by bringing the camera into it or she in fact did want to play outside and take pictures. Whatever the case she is a brilliant little girl because it certainly worked.

I decided to be engaged in play instead of watching her behind the scene. What a delight it was, we went down the slide several times, rolled in the brown grass, ran around, talked, and looked for bugs. I love her sweet way.

When it was time to venture in the house and take a nap she said, "mommy glovers." She had found a patch of what Tess told her was green clovers brought to us by the "lepechaunth". She was thrilled with this discovery and I couldn't help but grab my camera now and snap some photos of her anxiously engaged in picking the clovers.

As I sat there watching her collecting the clovers I just kept thinking about how very lucky I am. This past weekend I was quite emotional...emotional in a way that is dripping with thankfulness and love for life. Emotional in the best way. Life has been good to me. Really good to me. Right now I feel this tremendous sense of gratitude. I am in this place, this positive place, where I am consciously aware of the blessings I have been given. These are blessings that have always been with me, but I am just now beginning to understand them. For too long I have pushed them aside feeling unworthy of them, afraid to accept them, or even unknowing that these blessings exist.

Today I welcome and give thanks for my blessings. They are needed and certainly appreciate in a life that travels down an unchartered road. Today I see the hand of God in all things and have a constant prayer in my heart that I will always be worthy of what He has given me.

weekly projects & good mail

Thank you all for sharing with me what makes you happy. I periodically checked your comments last night and it certainly put a huge smile on my face. It was exactly what I needed. Now to think of how I can make it up to them...I have a few ideas.

I didn't share my project for last week since it was a gift for someone, but will have it later in my smugmug gallery in the next few weeks. My project for this week was also another gift so I can't share it at the moment, but will soon. I loved working on these projects and only hope they are received with as much enthusiasm as when I made them.

So since I don't have anything to visually share I will share a layout with you I started last November and just got around to finishing yesterday.


Megan is very fond of this one.

Of course I don't want to forget to share the good mail I received this past week. From left to right...A very nice thank you from Natasha, darling and yet another fabulous holiday greeting idea from Kristy, and 2 more thoughtful thank yous from Diana and Crystalyn. Thank you all so much. What a delight it is to receive such thoughtfulness.

tell me something happy

I play this game with Adam when I'm really stress, scared or feeling sad and it goes something like, "Tell me something happy. Tell me something good. Tell me something to make me laugh." He's response always helps me use my energy concentrating on something good instead of the bad. Well, right now I am feeling lousy and wish he was here to tell me something good, but he's working late tonight so I am alone in my thoughts.

Why am I feeling lousy you ask?...

Well, have you ever received a message on your answering machine that said, "I'm just calling to see where you are...are you coming? We're waiting for you." Yeah, I got this message late this afternoon about a luncheon I was invited to Wednesday. The reason I feel so lousy is it wasn't just any luncheon it was with some friends of mine from my ward who had totally forgotten my birthday and they were making it up to me by making me lunch. Ya, that was the lunch I missed. A lunch totally for me. I am disgusted with myself and although I have called each one and talked to them and given my apologies personally I just can't get over this lousy feeling of letting someone down. Not only letting someone down, but totally dissing them when they have gone to such an effort on my behalf. I feel so embarrassed.

To my credit when I heard the message I didn't even know what luncheon she was talking about until I put it together in the end. I'm not entirely sure she told me exactly what she was planning when we spoke about it two weeks ago. It is possible she did and I completely and utterly forgot. Again I feel totally embarrassed and ashamed of myself. How could I be so forgetful?

Sigh.

Well there is nothing I can do about it now, but express my apologies to them, which I have and they told me it was fine and not to worry. Still. I hate this feeling.

So tonight I play my own game. Here is something that makes me happy...


watching my kids lost in play.

and this...


Please tell me something that makes you happy?

banners 101

In response to your request here is my banner tutorial. Trust me I know this is a lot of information, it took me a long time to put together, so just take it step by step and email me with any questions. Oh and I have been over this numerous times, but please forgive any typos as I'm sure I've missed some.

I'm using Photoshop CS2, but this would work the exact same for other versions of the software or PS elements. I am sure you could do similar things in other image editing programs, but I'm not as familiar with them so I can't help you there. Also I am using the Windows version of PS so will add the mac commands as I know them.

Step one - New Document
In PS go to File/New or ctrl N (cmd N for mac) and a pop-up menu (shown below) will open that will ask you to put in the appropriate info.
I've highlighted the changes you need to make. Most of your blogs are 660px wide, but you can change that number to whatever you want. I use 800px because the content of my blog is 800px wide. Height can also be changed to your preference, but I tend to always do around 250-275px, depending on what I'm doing. Make sure the resolution is set at 72px, which is best for web graphics. Also check that the color mode is set to RGB color.

click OK.

Step two - Add photo
You now have a blank canvas to design however you choose. I almost always use a photo so that is what I will show you.

First you need to open a photo by clicking file/open or ctrl O (cmd O for mac). Then you need to resize the photo you just opened by going to image/image size or ctrl+alt I (cmd+opt I for mac). A menu box appears (shown below) and I have highlighted the info that you need to change. First off make sure resample image has a check by it and that the resolution is set at 72 pixels/inch. Then change the width of the image under pixel dimensions to the width of your banner, so that would be 660px if you are following me from above. The height will automatically change.

Click OK. The photo will now appear smaller.

3. Step Three - Moving image
Now you want to move the image you just resized into the blank banner document. Do this by clicking the move tool or V. I have it circled above shown in the tool window. It is an arrow with what looks to be a + sign next to it. Next click on the image you just resized and while pushing the mouse button move cursor into the new banner document. Release finger. You should now see the photo in the banner. Next, using the same technique, move the image around until it is lined up where you want it to be.

Step Four - Add the finishing touches
This is where it gets a bit tricky and I would encourage you to get to know the PS program. This is your chance to design the banner however you choose. Making it yours. If you want to add text click on the T in the tools window (circled below). Next, click on the banner and type in the text. You can change font and size in the tool bar (circled below). You can also change color by double clicking on the white box in the tool window and picking what ever color you want from the pop-up menu.


Step Five - Saving file
To save file click File/Save As or Ctlr+shift S (cmd+shift S for mac). Make sure the file is saved as jpeg and not a psd. Save it to what ever folder you would like, preferably one you will remember (i save all mine to the same Web folder)

click ok.

Step Six - Upload to host site
You are now ready to get your banner hosted. We are lucky these days there are many sites that 0ffer to host your photos for free like Photobucket or you could also use Smugmug, however this one is not free. At any rate if you have an account to a web hosting site great, if not sign up for an one. Since I can't tell you how to navigate each site just follow the instructions on the web site to upload photos. It should be very easy and self explanatory. If you are still confused email me.

Keep in mind if you are using the new blogger template or page elements (described below) you do not have to host your banner. You can skip this step.

Step Seven - Add banner to blog
This has two different parts depending if you have the old template or the new upgraded template. Keep in mind you can still have the new blogger, but have the old template. You will know if you have the upgraded template if you change the look of your blog by customizing your template with page elements. Another indication is on your dashboard it will say Manage: posts, settings, layout (instead of template). Just so you are aware if you are using the new template your banner will have the blogger header around it like on Victoria's blog. There is no way I know around it.

For the Old Template
1. Go to your Dashboard, click template. Then look for this block of codes in the template:

It may look slightly different depending on your template design, but it should start with blog header and end with div. Disregard the red type

Next Replace that entire code with this code below...don't worry about screwing up as long as you don't hit save template you can always go back.

Next you need to get the url code of your banner from your host site and replace it with "your url here" that is in red. In smugmug it's as easy as rt clicking (ctrl click on mac) on the photo, click properties, and copy & paste the url. In photobucket it will be the code next to URL link under the photo.

Once you have replace the url click preview to make sure it looks the way you want and then save template.

Instructions for upgraded template
1. In your dashboard click Layout then click edit html. Next look for this block of codes in the template:

Change maxwidgets='1' to maxwidgets='4' and change showaddelement='no' to showaddelement='yes'. Click save template. Then click Page element tab to go back to layout. You will see an extra Add a Page Element above the Header.

Next click Add a Page Element and a pop-up will appear. Select Picture and click Add to blog. Another pop-up will appear that wants you to configure your image. It is best to leave the title blank. If you want a caption below the image, then fill it in your caption, otherwise leave it blank. If you have your photo stored on your computer, click Browse, then select the photo from your computer. If you want Blogger to size the image to fit into your header, then check the Shrink to fit (default). If you want the image to be exactly the size of your original image, then uncheck shink to fit. Click Save changes

If your photo is already hosted on the web ie photobucket or smugmug, then check From the web and type in the URL of the photo, and then click Save changes.

Of course always make sure to preview blog before making changes. If you don't like it you can always delete the page element and start again.

Good Luck and please let me know if you have any questions.
:)

Self-Portrait Tuesday...lights, camera, action

I thought for quite a while about this SPT challenge and I just kept thinking, if my life were a movie or if I were telling my story this landmark would definitely make an appearance several times.


I remember visiting temple square as a young child to see the lights during the holiday season and to this day enjoy giving that memory to my children. It was the place I married my love for time and all eternity. A year after we were married Adam and I moved downtown and lived down the street from this magnificent building. We went on many walks that included it's beautiful grounds. It has been the temple that my wards have all been assign to and have enjoyed the beauty and spirit of the inside numerous times.

Though not in any Hollywood productions (it is in many church films) this building, landmark, place of worship is known throughout the world and just so happens to mean a great deal to me. It would definitely grace the screen in my life story over and over.

Does it get any better than this?

Saturday after running errands with the family and completing our library with rug and chair we found the girls like this.
I love it when they choose to be together, totally absorbed in a book to know anything else exists. Our whole purpose for the library was to create this feeling. I hope to see it often.

Sunday inspiration & good mail

I know I have said this before, but I'm always so amazed and utterly grateful when someones thoughtfulness lands on my door. On Saturday I got a belated bday package from Michelle containing this very thoughtful beautiful book (left). It has tabs on the inside with my girls names on it where I can write things they do and say that I don't want to forget. It's something I've always wanted. Thank you so much Michelle your creativity always amazes me. I also got an equally beautiful creative shadow box frame from Jill last Friday for my birthday. I love how perfectly it goes with my room and the quote is awesome and something I'm glad I can remind myself of daily, "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." -Joseph Campbell. Thank you so much Jill everything you touch ends up beautiful.

I would like to leave you with one thought that really hit me today...

"I have learned that it is by serving that we learn how to serve. When we are engaged in the service of our fellowmen, not only do our deeds assist them, but we put our own problems in a fresher perspective. When we concern ourselves more with others, there is less time to be concerned with ourselves. In the midst of the miracle of serving, there is the promise of Jesus, that by losing ourselves, we find ourselves. (See Matt. 10:39.)

Not only do we “find” ourselves in terms of acknowledging guidance in our lives, but the more we serve our fellowmen in appropriate ways, the more substance there is to our souls. We become more significant individuals as we serve others. We become more substantive as we serve others—indeed, it is easier to “find” ourselves because there is so much more of us to find!"

Quote by President Kimball.

I love the last paragraph and had never thought before how doing things for others gives us more substance and consequently easier to find ourselves. We need each other to be all that we can become and the more we let us go, the more us we get back. Beautiful.

live your life

"To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong."
-Joseph Clinton Pearce

I saw this quote hanging from the ceiling of Bella's elementary last night as I walked into parent teacher conference. I said it to myself over and over as I walked down the long hall so I wouldn't forget it before I had a chance to write it down. It was the icing on the cake to a day that had already brought with it a few stresses and many thoughts about what I want to achieve and where I'm headed. As I took out my note book to write down the quote these words poured out of me.

I would have never called myself creative years ago. I remember loving art projects and drawing as a kid, but also remember that feeling of uncertainty that I had no clue what I'm was doing. I remember always trying to look to others for inspiration instead of looking inside myself. Perhaps even then I was uncomfortable with what I saw.

As I think back I can remember searching through old boxes to find any and all the photos of me I could to create a scrapbook. I had a strong desire to tell my story even then and wished I had known more about my childhood. I still feel that way today, which is one of the reasons why I still scrapbook and document what I can about life, my life and those around me. However, I only mention it to remind myself it was at that time, while I made those books, that I didn't worry about what it might look like, if it was good enough, or what someone else my think. I did it for me, for my heritage, and I was very proud of it.

Fast forward 9 years later when I got my first sewing machine, then I started scrapbooking, I had kids, then many other things fell into place for me creatively. I started knitting, made quilts, cards, other paper crafts, and got heavy into photography. It has been an evolution for me one thing building on the another, however, one thing seemed to have remain constant though it all...the uncertainty I felt of not measuring up. I use to feel bombarded and even discouraged by all the scrapbooking magazines full of inspiration and knew I didn't even come close to touching what those talented woman created. Of all the photographers I've studied I knew my abilities just didn't even come close to there's. These thoughts definitely held me back from creating in a meaningful and comfortable place.

"Never compare your journey with someone else's. It's a marathon with no finish line. Someone else may start out faster than you, may seem to progress more quickly than you, but every runner has his own pace. Your journey is your journey, not a competition. You will never 'arrive'. No one ever does."
-Cheryl Jacobs

I came upon that quote months ago when I was making a very important should I/shouldn't I decision in my life and it helped me to see how I was mistakenly measuring success by other peoples standards...with dollar signs, with being published, with being well known. Yesterday I came across it and was once again reminded of how much making that decision changed my life. I know for me being creative isn't just something I do for fun, it's something I love. Not only something I love, but it's something I need and want in my life. It wasn't until recently when I let go of the measuring stick, the fear of being wrong that has continue to hold me back for years, that I felt this rush of comfort and confidence in my creative self. I no longer worry or fear that it might not be good enough. I do it because I love doing it. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I'm not as confident as others, I still need to work on so many areas of self-confidence in my life, but I'm beginning to see just how much changing my attitude changes my creativity. Changes my life.

If I could tell myself 11 year old self something today it would be to LIVE YOUR LIFE and never apologize for it. Not to say not to take others feeling into consideration, but be you and express yourself how you choose. We are all creative in our own ways so stop wasting time worrying about it being perfect or whether or not it measures up to others standards. Remember who you are and embrace what you love. You have the power to make your life whatever you choose. Just DO!

q & a

First of all I wanted to thank all who participated in Lelly's SPT challenge. You've given me a lot to think about and another push toward the goals I am trying to accomplish this year.

I apologize...I've not been so good about answering questions in the comments. Not because I don't want to, but often forget and then so much time has gone by I think what's the point. So today I thought I would answer some question that were asked in the comments from this project.

Are those on 12X12 or bigger?
This project is a two page 12x12 scrapbook layout.

Did you print the photos yourself?
No, I do have a nice printer that can print my own photos, but I usually don't because I feel it takes up a lot of ink, which is quite expensive.

Do you have to have a plan ahead of time?
I thought of doing this layout back in October when I was organizing my photos and wondered what I should do with all the contact sheets. So it really was no planning just a lot of looking through past photos. Never a chore.

What size are those photos?
The layout is made up of the photos that come on the contact sheet you are given with your photos. Contact sheets can also be created using photoshop. The smaller ones are about 1"x.5" and the bigger ones are are about 1.25"x.75" and are printed larger on the contact sheet to indicate they were enlarged.

It is a really easy project and all you need is the contact sheets, scissors, and adhesive...oh and time. It took a lot of time.

Please never hesitate to ask or email me. I am vowing to do better about answering your questions in the comments when asked so make sure to check back.

BTW, I've been thinking about doing a how to on banners. Is that something you'd be interested in?

Self-Portrait Tuesday...Mirror Mirror

I have never really been a fan at looking at myself in the mirror. Too often all I notice is my crooked nose, my freckles/moles, dark circles, or anything else unpleasant looking back at me. However, there are times when I'm drawn closer to see what is really inside. I'll sit and stare and look at the person looking back at me and wonder who she is. What she is feeling and why.

When I contemplate what others see in me, honestly I haven't a clue. It's a great mystery filled with a lot of speculation. I would love for them to see a girl full of hope and determination, but tend to believe all they see are my insecurities written all over my face. Maybe it's easier that way, to think someone is looking at my flaws (aka weaknesses) instead of seeing who I really am. It's definitely safer that way, but than again, I've come to a point in my life where safer just isn't worth it anymore. It certainly doesn't make for a rich lasting relationship and those are the ones I crave. It's what I need and long for.

I know I could do much better about opening up and sharing who Amy really is and that's truly what I want for myself this year. Give. Do. Be.

to my love...happy brithday.

There is this man I thank God daily for bringing into my life. He is often misunderstood, even by me at times, but he has this amazing heart and desire to live a life full of happiness and love...something he also wants for those around him.

photo by jill Oct 06

It has taken me a long while before I really appreciated what he was pushing for us. Despite what it may seem, it is not always easy to be honest about the precious things you hold dear to your heart. It's much easier to live a life with no expectations at all so you don't get hurt. I've lived a lot of my life that way. Afraid to expect, to give my all because of the constant fear of being let down. I'm not sure when it changed for us, but there was a moment where the walls came down and the desires of our hearts where talked about. I'm grateful to him for that. For opening my eyes to get what it is I truly want. Closeness. To have the life I always dreamed of. Though, I will be completely honest and say, there have been many times, many times, when I wish I could just closed the blinds and forget I know. Forget how it hurts to not get or give what is needed and wanted. But at the end of the day I would rather love fully and give everything I know how to give the best I can, then to regret years of being in the dark and pretending to be happy. I still have a long way to go. Of all the things we've talked about and how far we've come I know it all comes down to DOING. Giving. Having and living a mediocre life just isn't a possiblity anymore and I blame him for that.

I attribute a lot of who I am to him. Not because he formed me into the woman that I am, but through his constant love has given me a very safe place to find myself. He gives me what I need before I even realize it's what I need. He listens. He talks. He comforts. He loves.

Adam I want you to know that I am committed to us. To our dream. To living a beautiful happy life together. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. For loving me. Truly I couldn't have found a better man to be my husband and to have for eternity.

Happy Birthday!

house project & sunday thought

We're hosting a Elder's Quorum dessert social at our house this evening and I should be doing last minute prep, but instead I wanted to share our latest house project & something that's been on my mind.

before

For Christmas Adam and I decided to make our study into what we had envisioned when we first built the house, a library, and have custom bookcases and desks line the walls. We want it to be a place our family can read, do homework, use the computer, play games, etc.

after

Well this weekend it became a reality when they were finally installed Saturday. It took until 8 o'clock PM to finished, pretty late for us to be starting a project, but we were all so excited to put it together and wanted to get it finished for today so we stayed up late moving books and filling the room. The girls were thrilled, especially Bella who could barely contain her excitement, when we told them we were going to have our very own library. I loved watching the girls haul in book after book looking for any space to put them. It's been a while since we've had such a family activity and I loved the whole experience. There is something about organizing a space from scratch that I so enjoy.

Since it's a Sunday I want to leave you with one finally thought that has been on my mind since last week. In our discussion about miracles preceding faith a girl made a comment about the story from Mark 9:14-24 where a man asks Jesus to heal his son's dumb spirit and, "Jesus said unto him, If thou canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe; help thou mine unbelief." At that moment the story touched me deeply. How many times have I been in that situation where I want to believe so badly, when I thought my faith was strong enough, but my weak mind fails me and I feel otherwise. Often I've felt myself calling out saying, "Lord help thou mine unbelief". God truly is with us in all things...even in strengthening our faith through His love and His constant hand in our life. What a blessing. What a gift.

journal, project 8, & good mail

I heard Bella crying and could ignore it no longer. It was all because she couldn't figure out the computer. Usually there is a link to her favorite sites in the link bar, but this time she was trying to enter it in the address bar. Her problem was she didn't push enter and couldn't figure out why nothing was happening. I so wish she would think it out longer before resulting into tears, but to her defense she had asked me for help and I told her I would be there shortly. It had been about 5 minutes. I quickly helped her with the problem and when i walked out I saw this (except there was not X across it.)


It cracked me up and I thought to myself I must scan this and keep it. She will love seeing this one day. Not long after I came down looking for something and noticed the page had been changed to this...

When I went back to look for the first entry I noticed it had been crossed out. The whole thing just made me laugh. I don't know why i didn't think about it before, but I need to get her an official journal. She loves to write and am just now understanding that she wants a place to put her feelings. So healthy for a girl. I hope it will continue and that one day she will be an amazing writer. I love it when she chooses to express herself this way.


Here is my project this week. I found this vase at target for $3 on clearance. I didn't know what I was going to use it for, but certainly couldn't pass up that deal. The more I got looking at it I just kept seeing it in my studio holding beautiful flowers. So I used rub-ons on the outside to make me smile even more. Very easy and quick, but what a difference it makes.


Here is the good mail that I mentioned earlier this week, but didn't have a photo to show. Darling cards from Michelle, Jill, and Amie. Tons of Ribbon from Kristi (can't believe how much) and an amazing homemade book from Amy h. Thank you again for thinking of me.

Also some more birthday good mail I received throughout the week. Birthday wishes from Emily and Kristen, and a delightful making memories kit from Amy S. Thank you! You've all help make my birthday wonderful.

Bella's violin rectial

Another year and another recital under our belt. This was Bella's third time performing in front of a crowd all by her lonesome. She's not a fan of this, but has resigned herself to it, knowing it is part of playing the violin.

As we drove up to the Piano Gallery I remembered the first time when she played the twinkle. I was so nervous I felt it was I who was giving the performance. (Such a strange feeling I had never experienced before). Though completely and utterly terrified, she did an awesome job that night. Fast forward...tonight was no exception. She was amazing. I'm so proud of all the hard work she has put into the violin and how far she's come. I would like to pat myself on the back, as any parent knows who has a child playing the violin how intense it is for both of you, but really she is the one with the good ear, quick fingers, and drive. Love you Bella!

I wish I could have shared with you the video I took, but for the life of me I can't figure out how to get it on my computer as a file. You would think with all I know, but apparently I just don't know enough. One of these days.

ps..I didn't get a picture of her playing because I was doing the video while Adam was home with the girls since I couldn't find a babysitter and the toddlers aren't allowed. phew. How I wish I could've done both.