what a day

it all started like this...

2:37am I hear a bang crash and then moaning. I turn over to Adam, realize he's not in bed and go bolting for the bathroom. There he is face down. I'm not sure what has happened, but gather he must have fainted. After getting him to wake up and respond to me (the longest minute of my life) I realize he's sick.

2:45am-5:24am Laid awake, listening for Adam because the whole ordeal of finding him face down has left me a little panicked. Helped him when he needed it.

5:25am Since I wasn't sleeping and Adam seemed to be handling himself better than before I figured I should go to boot camp as planned.

5:40am Went down to the garage to get my stuff and heard some rustling. It was Tess looking for her shoes. She was fully dressed ready for school. When I asked her what she was doing she said, "I tried to sleep, but I just can't. My eyes just stay open." So I put her in front of the television and left.

6:00am-7:15am boot camp

7:16am Walked into a quiet house and wondered why the girls weren't up yet. I found Bella and Tess in Bella's bed giggling. Apparently they were waiting for her alarm to go off before they got up. I can completely remember my first days of school so vividly and how excited I was to finally get there after so much anticipation.

7:17am-8:20am It was a flurry of activity all the while feeling like crashing. Made the girls french toast and cut up cantaloupe. Helped walk them through what they needed to get done before we left, ie shoes, hair, lunch, snack, teeth. Apparently you can unlearn everything in 3 months. Left on time.

8:25am Watched my girls, who could not have been more excited, find their friends and anxiously await the beginning of their new day.


[Do you notice there new hair cuts? Finally Bella got the hair cut she's been trying to get for a year. Thanks Tami for telling me about your stylist. click here to enlarge]

8:30am Said my goodbyes and left. On the way out I ran into my friend I go to boot camp with. She offered to take Megan so I could go back to sleep. Precious gift. I didn't hesitate to put Megan, who was still in her pajamas and looking rough, in their car and left.

8:46am Got home, checked up on Adam, opened the windows, made a few phone calls and went to the couch to sleep.

9:14am-11:55am slept. delicious sleep.

11:56am Had the hardest time waking up. I realized I probably should so I didn't ruin my sleep tonight, but I didn't want to. It was so needed. Called my friend who said to come get Megan at 1:30pm. I closed my eyes again.

12:15pm Pulled myself off the couch and found Adam. He was doing so much better. Apparently the nausea was wearing off and was feeling hungry. He is convinced it was food poisoning, but I'm not so sure. He still had blood on his face from where he fell and found out he had a huge goose egg and a split lip. He took more of a fall then I realized. I'm so glad it wasn't more serious because I was too out of it to think of how he fell or that he could have had a concussion.

12:55pm Adam broke the news...our realtor had called and our buyers pulled out. Apparently they gave a bogus reason that our shed in back wasn't built on a foundation. Whatever. It's a 9x9 structure, a place to put bikes and lawn mowers, hardly something to let go of a house for. I guess they had changed their mind for whatever reason.

1pm I feel shocked and a bit overwhelmed. In a way I feel this relief of not moving, but then I feel let down that the IG won't happen. Adam is quite disappointed, but has put the final decision, to continue to sell for another 30 days or stop, in my hands. Doesn't he know how bad I am with decisions? You would think it would be crystal clear to me, but I am unsure of what to do or what is right for us. Lots to think about.

Fwd: Dad having fun with the girls

Adam's cell phone busted and since his ipod is on it's last leg he bought the iphone so he could have the convenience of both in one place. He acts like he would have easily got another blackberry if it weren't for the ipod function, but I am convinced otherwise. I remember years ago when ipods arrived on the scene and when I tried to persuade him to buy one he said, "why would anyone want all there music in one place?" After finally giving in and getting one he has since repented and wonders how he was able to function without it. I know the iphone will be the exact same.

I admit, I'm thrilled he got the iphone because a) I know how awesome and convenient it is and b) it has opened a whole new form of communication between us. Case in point, while I was at bookclub last night he recorded this video (did you know the new iphone had video?) and in one click sent it off to me (i love technology). I didn't get it until early this morning, but I laughed harder than I've laughed in a long time. It just so him and so them.


[disclaimer: do not be alarmed. no one was hurt physically or emotionally while making this video.]

reminders

Rock walls, REI, climbing gyms, carabiners, chalk, even the mountains all remind me of my brother Alan. He was a big climber and I associate him with spending as much time dangling from a rock as he did on the ground. I remember his equipment strewed about the house and his hands always having a white tint to them. So when my little Tess wanted to try the climbing wall in Park City last Monday it tugged at my heart a bit. As I stood watching her get higher and higher searching for the best places to put her hands and feet (I tried to coach her when she needed it) I couldn't help but think of going climbing for the first time with my brother and having him share with me something he loved.



As I continued to watch and help Tess it wasn't until a father of another boy waiting came over to watch her and said, "she's really good" that it hit me, maybe she's inherited the skills from Alan. There are moments when my younger brother, my nieces and nephew, and even my own children do something, have a certain look that reminds me so perfectly of him. It's hard to see someone pass and you would think even harder to have reminders all over the place (it was), but now I see them as tender mercies. It's like there are little pieces of him still with us. Gifts from above to help keep the memories alive.

It's been 17 years today. Time has healed, but it hasn't taken away. I can still see him so clearly. I can still hear his goofy laugh. I can still feel the last hug he gave me as we stood up to leave church Sunday afternoon and said, "love you guys" referring to me and my sister. I'm grateful for that...to heal and not lose. Grateful when I see him in those I love. Grateful to know how precious life is. Grateful to understand how meaningful I want mine to be. After all, I only get this one life, this one chance...I want so desperately to make it count.

i.g.

Yes, it's official. We signed our home away yesterday afternoon (2pm) with absolutely no where to go. When we signed we thought we had the house we wanted in our grasps, but then found out, hours later (4pm), we in fact did not and it was too late to turn back. Unless the buyer fails to come through we will be moving in a month.

Adam calls it "impending greatness". I call it homeless.

He sees the opportunity right away (as evidence to ig), I admit to feeling pretty terrified about the whole prospect. After all this time and the amount of people who saw the house, I was quite certain we weren't meant to move. I figured I would soon call it "the summer of the clean house" and that would be that (it helped the girls and I sharpen our organizational skills. Now they are in the habit of waking up, making their bed, and picking up their room...not bad). Then it happened...an offer, multiple exchanges, the worries, the doubts, what ifs, and then so quickly this place I have raised my family in for four years and called home is no longer mine.

I think the hardest part is not so much the selling (even though I will miss so much what we created) as it is the no where to go. That has been my greatest fear from the beginning. I never wanted to sell just to sell, I wanted to sell if we had our dream in our hands, but it appears that's not the case. Apparently this is a big lesson for me in patience, trust, and faith. Is it possible to feel calm and scared to death at the same time? I hate feeling out of control and yet, I don't doubt it will all work out in the end, somehow. I just wish I knew when the end will be. Makes me wonder...if we knew the outcome would it making doing what needed to be done any easier?

Now we are doing what I feel like we've done too often in our past...searching for a new home. Although moving is imminent, neither of us are in such a big hurry that we'll just settle for anything so if we can't find something we love I'm sure we'll rent and wait until we do. All these crazy uncertainties...I hardly recognize myself today feeling OK about it all, but I do. I think I have Adam to thank for it. If he weren't such a positive force for good in my life I would never force myself to grow.

He says "impending greatness". Today I don't doubt him.

right now

I am enjoying a lazy Saturday morning.

I am listening to the delicious sound of thunder & rain.

I am ready to get back into normal life after a two week vacation with my sister.

I am deciding whether or not to accept an offer on my house.

I am thinking about what the near future holds for us.

I am grateful for Adam's patience.

I am feeling blessed.

I am laughing at Megan's comment that she is "precious".

I am going through my kids clothes and deciding what needs to be saved/past down or giving away.

I am searching for a piano teacher for Tess.

I am reading, still reading, Angle of Repose...I haven't accomplish much reading this summer.

I am looking forward to a night out with friends.

I am sad to see the summer light begin to fade.

I am trying to celebrate the everyday.

12of12

[sunday, July 12]

summer feet

[chairlift | alpine slide]

another step

Since the time Bella was a little girl she has always been cautious of everything she does. I remember it took her to about the age of 2 1/2 to go down a regular slide on her own. I hoped as time went on she would eventually grow out of it and have more courage to try new things, but she is just not interested. I admit to being a frustrated mother when she was little, watching all the other kids having fun at the park and wondering why she wasn't like that, but I finally understood, she is determined to explore the world on her terms and it doesn't matter how different that makes her.

So when we go to an amusement park and she is tall enough to go on the big rides/roller coasters it's no surprise to me that she doesn't want to. She just assume walk around the park then ride a BIG ride. This year Tess was actually able (and thrilled) to go on the big rides, but still that did not persuade Bella to try them so she hung out with Megan and I in the kid section.

Toward the end of the day though, to my surprise she tried a few more rides with her older cousins, one being the swings. As the ride started and began to push her higher in the air instead of a terrified look on her face, that I was sure would be there, I saw one of sheer delight. With each pass I could see her arms extending farther away from her center and could almost hear her laughter.



She was soaring...and loving it.

Watching her I got teary. I know, silly, but to see her push herself, muster up the courage to get on the ride and then realize how much she enjoyed herself, touched me. When she got off she said, "Mom, whenever I'm sad I need to go on that ride because that made me so happy." She is a gem.

I hope in years from now when I see her dressed in white waiting to get married I will remember this moment...little Bella pushing herself and understanding first hand how good it feels to let go of her fears and live.

anything but dull

She said out of the blue in the car Saturday afternoon, "I use to think babies popped out of your tummy, but now I know they come out of your china."

and then I found her like this, outside in her jammies drawing with her goggles on.



Never a dull moment with this girl around.

Anyway, naturally Megan's comment got me thinking about how and when to teach my girls about the birds and the bees as Bella and Tess both chimed in trying to correct Megan. Have any of you heard about these books? I have been told by a couple of friends that they're excellent, age appropriate, and a great way to venture into the subject. I keep waiting to talk with them about, you know, hoping they will ask (so then I will know they're ready), but no one has and I wonder if I should be the one to bring it up. I mean I know I should. Bella is going into fourth grade and I'm not quite sure what she knows from kids at school, but I know I want to be the one to tell her.

Anyway, just wondered who was dealing with this at home? If you've brought it up. Had the talk? How was it received?