I found myself sitting in the audience Wednesday night with my camera and nikon ready to get photos and videos when I realized I didn't have my CF card with me. Not the first time this has happened so I'm shocked it could happen again. What's wrong with me? Argh! Anyway, I'm glad it wasn't a bigger deal, I mean I know photos in these situations are never the best, but I still want them. Oh well, at least I was able to get some video of her because really that is where the magic is.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
another book...another lesson
One of the best ways for me to decide whether or not I loved a book is the way it leaves me feeling...so I cannot help but love Mrs. Mike by Benedict and Nancy Freedman. Perhaps not the best of times to finishing reading, it's either the tears from the story or the outside air that is keeping my nose stuffed up. Whatever the case, I find myself in a very thoughtful mood.
What can I say and how can I say it to express how much I took from this book. It's a beautiful story that taught me about life, love, and courage. It actually reminded me a lot of "These Is My Words", but written in a completely different setting...the harshness of the Canadian Northwest country.
One of the several messages from the book that stuck out at me was how our lives are intertwined and connected to each others for a moment or even a lifetime, and in those comings and goings we can't help but make an impact and change each others lives forever. It's a strange concept, especially in these times where a wireless connection brings individuals together that may never have met otherwise and they touch our lives. Inspire. Teach. Serve. Give us what we need at a particular time when we are desperate for it and then they move on. Sometimes they stay and we have the pleasure of enjoying their wisdom for years to come, other times we are left with having been blessed with them in our lives if only for a moment.
I often wonder in the premortal life if I had friends that I promised I would find or if I begged them to find me knowing they had a piece of my puzzle I couldn't do without. I do not doubt the wisdom of a loving Heavenly Father who brings us those we need when we need them. It makes me realize I could be that for someone and while dripping in my selfishness someone else gets the blessing of friendship. I want to be better as I know I have only me to blame for missing an opportunity. I know I can be better at fulfilling my purpose, whatever it is, I know not, but I do know it's understanding doesn't come until after I've tried. I must first do.
Life and the way we are thrown about from place to place, from emotion to emotion is a beautiful thing if only we can see perspective. All things relative to where we're headed and where we want to end up. Life, our experiences, often have that way of throwing us off course, but the path is always there for us to resume when we realize we've always had what we've always wanted, and our friends are there walking us back, hand in hand, reminding us how much we are loved and needed.
Today I am grateful for friends.
What can I say and how can I say it to express how much I took from this book. It's a beautiful story that taught me about life, love, and courage. It actually reminded me a lot of "These Is My Words", but written in a completely different setting...the harshness of the Canadian Northwest country.
"Mike was right: the pattern of life isn't a straight line; it crosses and recrosses, drawing in and tying together other lives, as I do when I gather in the ends of my thread to make a knot."
One of the several messages from the book that stuck out at me was how our lives are intertwined and connected to each others for a moment or even a lifetime, and in those comings and goings we can't help but make an impact and change each others lives forever. It's a strange concept, especially in these times where a wireless connection brings individuals together that may never have met otherwise and they touch our lives. Inspire. Teach. Serve. Give us what we need at a particular time when we are desperate for it and then they move on. Sometimes they stay and we have the pleasure of enjoying their wisdom for years to come, other times we are left with having been blessed with them in our lives if only for a moment.
I often wonder in the premortal life if I had friends that I promised I would find or if I begged them to find me knowing they had a piece of my puzzle I couldn't do without. I do not doubt the wisdom of a loving Heavenly Father who brings us those we need when we need them. It makes me realize I could be that for someone and while dripping in my selfishness someone else gets the blessing of friendship. I want to be better as I know I have only me to blame for missing an opportunity. I know I can be better at fulfilling my purpose, whatever it is, I know not, but I do know it's understanding doesn't come until after I've tried. I must first do.
Life and the way we are thrown about from place to place, from emotion to emotion is a beautiful thing if only we can see perspective. All things relative to where we're headed and where we want to end up. Life, our experiences, often have that way of throwing us off course, but the path is always there for us to resume when we realize we've always had what we've always wanted, and our friends are there walking us back, hand in hand, reminding us how much we are loved and needed.
Today I am grateful for friends.
Monday, April 28, 2008
tulip festival...a brief visit
I was invited by some friends in my neighborhood to go to a tulip festival this morning. I wanted to go, but didn't have a lot of time due to the Kindergarten schedule. As it turns out by the time everyone met up I ended up with less than 45 minutes to walk around so I'm not sure it was worth the money, but it was certainly beautiful and enjoyable to have warm weather for once.
Megan and I casually walked around until I realized how late it was and we ran for the car. I barely made it in time to get Tess, but I'm glad we made the drive. I needed a bit of spring today even if I did sneeze a lot and it was hurried. Perhaps I'll go back in the next week or so when I can spend more time soaking it all in.
Megan and I casually walked around until I realized how late it was and we ran for the car. I barely made it in time to get Tess, but I'm glad we made the drive. I needed a bit of spring today even if I did sneeze a lot and it was hurried. Perhaps I'll go back in the next week or so when I can spend more time soaking it all in.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
kindergarten opera
It's that time of year again, the end of the year when my three girls get ready for their school programs. Tess participated in the annual Kindergarten opera last Friday. I've always been so impressed with our school's art program and how much they involve the kids. Tess' class voted on the book they want to base their opera on, then they came up with the lyrics, and put it to music.
I thought it was quite funny this year and could tell it was most definitely the kids who came up with the lyrics. The story was based on the book Miss Smith's Incredible Storybook. It's about a group of students who are bored with school, but then their new teacher brings in a magical book and when she reads allowed the characters pop out of the book and bring their tales to life.
Here is a video of the beginning.
tess was one of the students
I thought it was quite funny this year and could tell it was most definitely the kids who came up with the lyrics. The story was based on the book Miss Smith's Incredible Storybook. It's about a group of students who are bored with school, but then their new teacher brings in a magical book and when she reads allowed the characters pop out of the book and bring their tales to life.
Here is a video of the beginning.
Tess with her teacher
Tess did such a great job. I wasn't sure as I sat there waiting for it to start if she would get into it or just stand there without singing, like I've seen before, so I was thrilled to see her one the stage singing and dancing and enjoying the performance.
Friday, April 25, 2008
age three
I've wanted to do this for a long time, put all three of my girls photos (including my own) side by side to see our similarities and since I've been going back in time the last couple of weeks I was reminded of it once again.
We're all three years old in this photo, well I think I (far left) may be a little bit older, but it was all I could find close on my hard drive. Click here for a larger photo.
It's strange for me to remember each of them at age 3 and recall feeling how big they were, and yet with Megan she seems so little to me now. I suppose that's the price they pay for being the youngest...forever baby. It's crazy to look at us and see so many physical similarities and know that each one is so difference in their personality. Bella thoughtful and calm, Tess sensitive and loving, and Megan full of spice and vinegar. My Mom tells me I was a lot like Megan at her age, but now, who I am now, I can see a little bit of myself in each of them and I love it.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
pretending
I have a lot in my head today, but the problem is I don't have a clue how to say it. I fear the truth and hide from it hoping that one day what I am pretending will actually be a reality.
What you ask? Motherhood. I'm not good at it. In fact, I struggle on a daily basis to face it each day knowing it's the one thing I don't do well. I know it can be learned, I mean that knowledge is the one thing that keeps me faking it. What I'm hoping deep down, somewhere, the more I try the better I will become, and the better I become the easier it will be and more natural it will feel.
It's times like this, however, that I just want to run and hide. Yes, I realize a lot of it is the crazy lady talking and my reality is out of sorts where nothing seems possible and my feelings overwhelm me. Adam is constantly reminding me of the good and showing it to me...them. My 3 little ones that I do desperately love that right now I feel I'm fighting to hold onto.
So for the last few days I've had a chant going through my head, "It can be done, I can do it". I am determined to make it so, even if at the end I realize I never understood it, at least I'll know I did everything I could.
sigh...
Oh how I bug myself that I keep struggling with the same stuff. I told Adam last night if I was dying and had two weeks to live I would have a good ending. I can do anything for two weeks, it's after that that things become fuzzy. So I apologize for the seemingly heavy post. It was not intended as such, it's just what's on my mind right now...my desire to be a good mother.
On a lighter note or maybe not quite....
Are you kidding me?
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
hodge podge
Yesterday I barely had a moment to breathe, moving from one thing to the next and back again. I was prepared for it so I did it without frustration, perhaps there is a light at the end of the tunnel...it can be done. Despite my victory yesterday, it was nice to wake up this morning and find there was nothing I had to do and no overwhelming feelings I had to battle. Well, that's not completely true.
At a long YW meeting yesterday I was told that our presidency would be reorganized very soon due to an unforeseen move. I was so taken off guard, we all work so well together and I'm certainly not ready to walk away from my calling or the girls even though it's a lot of work. Of course I'm in no way prepared for the alternative so my heart has been kind of heavy the last 24 hours considering what will come of this. I feel pretty sure nothing will happen until the end of summer, but no matter the outcome I'm certain it will be for the best.
Tess gave these drawings to me Monday after she ripped them from her journal/notebook. On the left is a picture of her favorite thing to do...playing in the playhouse (see her there sliding) and the other one (right) is of her on the porch in the front yard. I was actually quite impressed with the details she drew accurately and delighted at the proof it gave me that our "Disneyland" in the backyard is a hit. I only wish she hadn't ripped them out.
And since I'm sharing art I thought I would share a few of Megan's. She did both of them at school last week. She calls them "duckie" and "3 little chicks in water".
Oh and this is the condition in which I write (couldn't help but take it...courtesy phone)
Megan on my lap some where between conscious and unconsciousness. I suppose it's Megan time.
Have a great day.
At a long YW meeting yesterday I was told that our presidency would be reorganized very soon due to an unforeseen move. I was so taken off guard, we all work so well together and I'm certainly not ready to walk away from my calling or the girls even though it's a lot of work. Of course I'm in no way prepared for the alternative so my heart has been kind of heavy the last 24 hours considering what will come of this. I feel pretty sure nothing will happen until the end of summer, but no matter the outcome I'm certain it will be for the best.
Tess gave these drawings to me Monday after she ripped them from her journal/notebook. On the left is a picture of her favorite thing to do...playing in the playhouse (see her there sliding) and the other one (right) is of her on the porch in the front yard. I was actually quite impressed with the details she drew accurately and delighted at the proof it gave me that our "Disneyland" in the backyard is a hit. I only wish she hadn't ripped them out.
And since I'm sharing art I thought I would share a few of Megan's. She did both of them at school last week. She calls them "duckie" and "3 little chicks in water".
Oh and this is the condition in which I write (couldn't help but take it...courtesy phone)
Megan on my lap some where between conscious and unconsciousness. I suppose it's Megan time.
Have a great day.
Monday, April 21, 2008
weekend update
Friday after making suckers with Megan the girls spend the majority of the day playing outside. Ah, it's working already. I was in the house cleaning up our lunch/sucker mess when they requested I take pictures of them. I can't remember the last time they asked me to pull out my camera, but I was grateful for it as often I need reminders to photograph the normal everyday.
That night was spent at Jill's for game night. We played one game of Catan, which seemed to last a long time (Randy won), and then watched Flight of the Conchords for the rest of the night. Such a funny show, but I agree with Lucy, it's not for everyone.
Saturday Adam and I enjoyed an entire day to ourselves thanks to Jill who offered to have our girls over for a sleep over. Delightful. I slept in and read in bed for an hour after waking up. We finally got ready and headed out for the day. We waited 20 minutes to have lunch at Cheesecake Factory where we enjoyed a good meal and conversation, despite the crazy people next to us that insisted on a booth. We also took home with us a jar of Thai peanut sauce, which made for a delicious meal yesterday (did you know you could buy their sauces and dressings?). We then went to a movie, 21, it was the only thing playing that wasn't rated R and we were both in the mood for darkness and entertainment, but it wasn't that great. The popcorn and company were good though.
Sunday I told myself I wasn't going to nap because it often messes with my schedule, but I couldn't help it. I was so tired I just had to. So about 3pm after dinner I laid down and Adam came in about 5:30pm to wake me up. Drat...that's way too long and too late to be able to recover from and go to bed at a decent hour. Aargh, another poor choice. At 7pm I had a youth conference meeting, which I wasn't happy about having to go back out for, but it unknowingly saved me from a sleepless night or so I think (just the act of going out made me exhausted). I came home, read for a couple hours and then went to bed at 10:30pm. It was nice (for once) waking up this morning at 6:30am feeling refreshed and ready to go.
I even ran this morning with a goal in mind. Apparently Adam's family wants to do a 5k with the whole family...kids and all. I'm not sure how it will work out with my girls. I don't think they could walk a 5k (without complaining) so I need some pointers to help them get ready. I am glad this morning to have something to work for to push me. I ran/walked 3 miles in 45 minutes so hopefully in a few weeks running will stop hurting and become more enjoyable.
That night was spent at Jill's for game night. We played one game of Catan, which seemed to last a long time (Randy won), and then watched Flight of the Conchords for the rest of the night. Such a funny show, but I agree with Lucy, it's not for everyone.
Saturday Adam and I enjoyed an entire day to ourselves thanks to Jill who offered to have our girls over for a sleep over. Delightful. I slept in and read in bed for an hour after waking up. We finally got ready and headed out for the day. We waited 20 minutes to have lunch at Cheesecake Factory where we enjoyed a good meal and conversation, despite the crazy people next to us that insisted on a booth. We also took home with us a jar of Thai peanut sauce, which made for a delicious meal yesterday (did you know you could buy their sauces and dressings?). We then went to a movie, 21, it was the only thing playing that wasn't rated R and we were both in the mood for darkness and entertainment, but it wasn't that great. The popcorn and company were good though.
Sunday I told myself I wasn't going to nap because it often messes with my schedule, but I couldn't help it. I was so tired I just had to. So about 3pm after dinner I laid down and Adam came in about 5:30pm to wake me up. Drat...that's way too long and too late to be able to recover from and go to bed at a decent hour. Aargh, another poor choice. At 7pm I had a youth conference meeting, which I wasn't happy about having to go back out for, but it unknowingly saved me from a sleepless night or so I think (just the act of going out made me exhausted). I came home, read for a couple hours and then went to bed at 10:30pm. It was nice (for once) waking up this morning at 6:30am feeling refreshed and ready to go.
I even ran this morning with a goal in mind. Apparently Adam's family wants to do a 5k with the whole family...kids and all. I'm not sure how it will work out with my girls. I don't think they could walk a 5k (without complaining) so I need some pointers to help them get ready. I am glad this morning to have something to work for to push me. I ran/walked 3 miles in 45 minutes so hopefully in a few weeks running will stop hurting and become more enjoyable.
Friday, April 18, 2008
3 years and 611 posts later
It was serendipitous that I started working on publishing my blog this week because I don't think I would have noticed that today it has been 3 years to the day that I started blogging. Man, that sounds like such a long time to be sharing my life on the web.
It's been interesting, to say the less, to go back and reread my entire first 9 months. I must admit so many of my posts I want to go back and edit. I can't believe some of my spelling errors and sentence structures, but of course I will leave them as is (not the spelling errors I will correct those). It's been really cool to see the evolution of my writing. Yes, I know it is still atrocious, but from then till now I see a complete difference in how I write and how much I write. So I have held myself back from fixing it because I love seeing the changes I've made even if they're really slight. Also, there was a time when I disliked writing and since I've started blogging I've noticed how much I enjoy it and how much easier it has become to write posts, lessons, and talks. Definitely a great bonus. Of course I still find I'm not so good at properly expressing how I feel, but maybe that will come too come with time...one can hope.
I never did share the fact that I had a blog in the beginning because I was a little afraid of it and wasn't sure what it meant to me. It can be a scary thing to put yourself out there, share your thoughts, especially when you're giving others the opportunity to comment on your life, but ultimately I have been grateful for the blogging community. It's help me bounce ideas around, solve various problems, and given me insights I couldn't possibly get elsewhere. It's also been the source of some very wonderful friendships. I've meet and re-meet individuals only because of my blog that have made such a difference in my life. I can't count the ways I am grateful for the women it's brought into my life personally and virtually.
I've also noticed as I've combed through my posts that blogging has been a great boost for my creativity. I am inspired by so many of you which constantly makes me want to try new things. And not just creativity, but I've noticed when I say I'm going to do something I'm more inclined to actually do and finish it because now there is a level of expectation. It keeps me in check, keeps me thinking and doing constantly.
I have gone through my to blog or not to blog moments, but ultimately it has been a source for good in my life. After working on publishing my blog I've realized what a treasure I have here...3 years of my thoughts, creations, and words. Yes, I am still seeking to find the perfect balance, but I'm confident it will continue to help me strive to be better and like I said in my "journal" post a way for me to learn and see just how far I've come.
It's been interesting, to say the less, to go back and reread my entire first 9 months. I must admit so many of my posts I want to go back and edit. I can't believe some of my spelling errors and sentence structures, but of course I will leave them as is (not the spelling errors I will correct those). It's been really cool to see the evolution of my writing. Yes, I know it is still atrocious, but from then till now I see a complete difference in how I write and how much I write. So I have held myself back from fixing it because I love seeing the changes I've made even if they're really slight. Also, there was a time when I disliked writing and since I've started blogging I've noticed how much I enjoy it and how much easier it has become to write posts, lessons, and talks. Definitely a great bonus. Of course I still find I'm not so good at properly expressing how I feel, but maybe that will come too come with time...one can hope.
I never did share the fact that I had a blog in the beginning because I was a little afraid of it and wasn't sure what it meant to me. It can be a scary thing to put yourself out there, share your thoughts, especially when you're giving others the opportunity to comment on your life, but ultimately I have been grateful for the blogging community. It's help me bounce ideas around, solve various problems, and given me insights I couldn't possibly get elsewhere. It's also been the source of some very wonderful friendships. I've meet and re-meet individuals only because of my blog that have made such a difference in my life. I can't count the ways I am grateful for the women it's brought into my life personally and virtually.
This is a screen shot of my blog on April 24, 2006. I wish I had the template of my blog when I first started, but I don't think much changed other than the banner and a longer list of blogs friends (there were 10), oh and I didn't have photos in my sidebar, Jill taught me how to do that. I wish I knew when I switched over my blog to have 2 sidebars. Makes me want to make sure and document all these subtleties in my posts so that I remember, of course I'm sure if I did research the comments would give me a good indication.
I've also noticed as I've combed through my posts that blogging has been a great boost for my creativity. I am inspired by so many of you which constantly makes me want to try new things. And not just creativity, but I've noticed when I say I'm going to do something I'm more inclined to actually do and finish it because now there is a level of expectation. It keeps me in check, keeps me thinking and doing constantly.
I have gone through my to blog or not to blog moments, but ultimately it has been a source for good in my life. After working on publishing my blog I've realized what a treasure I have here...3 years of my thoughts, creations, and words. Yes, I am still seeking to find the perfect balance, but I'm confident it will continue to help me strive to be better and like I said in my "journal" post a way for me to learn and see just how far I've come.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
still here
I haven't a clue what I'm still doing awake at this hour. I'm not tired. Seriously I don't feel tired in the least. What is going on? I'm going to severely pay for this tomorrow...I mean today.
Since it's just me and the night sky staring back I thought I would share with you, who at this hour is sleeping peacefully, what it looks like at 4:30 in the morning.
A lot like it did when I drove home at 11pm...a lite up city and a big ol' moon. Still, though, it's a bit lonely to look out at the vast darkness. I did get a visit from Adam around 3:30. He woke up worried, that's a first, and stumbled in to invite me to sleep. If only.
Since it's just me and the night sky staring back I thought I would share with you, who at this hour is sleeping peacefully, what it looks like at 4:30 in the morning.
A lot like it did when I drove home at 11pm...a lite up city and a big ol' moon. Still, though, it's a bit lonely to look out at the vast darkness. I did get a visit from Adam around 3:30. He woke up worried, that's a first, and stumbled in to invite me to sleep. If only.
journals
I just got done with a 30 minute ride home, alone, left to my thoughts (coming home from book club). Often it's a review of the night...did I offend anyone? Did I talk too much? You know all the insecurities I shouldn't have, but I do (it just seems to be my drive home ritual). I feel like I need to explain a bit more...I don't get offended easily, especially in situations like book club where so many people are talking and voicing their opinion, but I often feel I have a very strong opinion that I give too freely. Couple that with my blurting problem and I feel it can be a disaster for offending. So I'm always working on it, you know just to keep myself in check, so please know my fellow bookclubers, I have never once been offended and I've always enjoyed our conversations.
Anyway, tonight was different. Instead, I kept thinking about our discussion about journals. You know the burning question whether you would be mortified if someone got a hold of your journals and whether or not it's best hiding place would be a fiery furnace? I've thought of this many times and wondered the fate of my own journals. Honestly, I don't know that I would want them read.
This has always been my impression...until tonight. I came home in search of all my journals I could find. I found one from 1983 with very little entries, but with multiple drawings. I found some from junior high where I'm pretty dramatic and each entry is dedicated to a different boy and why he didn't like me. I didn't have much from high school which is probably a blessing more than anything, though I would give anything to read what my high school self had to say. I found entries from college, while I dated Adam, two books full of my time in Jerusalem, and entries from my early years of marriage. It pretty much dies out from there until about 2005 when I started blogging.
I must admit I'm surprised (or not surprised at all) with the content I found hidden in each pages. Many of my entries say some of the exact same things I post about now. Seriously. Seriously, haven't I progressed? Of course many things have changed, I certainly have a better marriage now then I did 11 years ago, but it appears that the stuff I struggled with then are still on my mind today. It bothered me at first to think I've moved so little in so many years, but what I realize is this is me, always full of thoughts, questions, trying to figure things out, wanting to be better. Let's face it nothing has changed and why would they? I know changing really is something that can only be achieved little by little after a life time of experiences.
Ok so I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this. I really shouldn't be posting at 1:50 in the morning, it's often these posts that I fear and love the most. I'm sure my randomness isn't enjoyed by all....so I'll get to the point. I guess what I'm trying to say is we can learn a lot about us and life through our journals. Even though I've thought plenty of times my words from years past ought not to be remembered, I just proved to myself tonight (this morning) that my voice has a place. Yes, perhaps under lock and key for my eyes only, but certainly not a fiery fate. I need to be better at searching through them more often.
good night...it's 2:15am and I'm not tired at all. Yikes.
Anyway, tonight was different. Instead, I kept thinking about our discussion about journals. You know the burning question whether you would be mortified if someone got a hold of your journals and whether or not it's best hiding place would be a fiery furnace? I've thought of this many times and wondered the fate of my own journals. Honestly, I don't know that I would want them read.
This has always been my impression...until tonight. I came home in search of all my journals I could find. I found one from 1983 with very little entries, but with multiple drawings. I found some from junior high where I'm pretty dramatic and each entry is dedicated to a different boy and why he didn't like me. I didn't have much from high school which is probably a blessing more than anything, though I would give anything to read what my high school self had to say. I found entries from college, while I dated Adam, two books full of my time in Jerusalem, and entries from my early years of marriage. It pretty much dies out from there until about 2005 when I started blogging.
I must admit I'm surprised (or not surprised at all) with the content I found hidden in each pages. Many of my entries say some of the exact same things I post about now. Seriously. Seriously, haven't I progressed? Of course many things have changed, I certainly have a better marriage now then I did 11 years ago, but it appears that the stuff I struggled with then are still on my mind today. It bothered me at first to think I've moved so little in so many years, but what I realize is this is me, always full of thoughts, questions, trying to figure things out, wanting to be better. Let's face it nothing has changed and why would they? I know changing really is something that can only be achieved little by little after a life time of experiences.
Ok so I'm not quite sure where I'm going with this. I really shouldn't be posting at 1:50 in the morning, it's often these posts that I fear and love the most. I'm sure my randomness isn't enjoyed by all....so I'll get to the point. I guess what I'm trying to say is we can learn a lot about us and life through our journals. Even though I've thought plenty of times my words from years past ought not to be remembered, I just proved to myself tonight (this morning) that my voice has a place. Yes, perhaps under lock and key for my eyes only, but certainly not a fiery fate. I need to be better at searching through them more often.
good night...it's 2:15am and I'm not tired at all. Yikes.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
examples
I've received several emails about my blurb book so I thought I would just post a few examples. Obviously it's still in progress, but this is what it should look like when published.
Definitely worth the time.
Definitely worth the time.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
no sleep
The wind was blowing so hard last night I slept horribly. I remember waking up at 1:50am and prayed I could get back to sleep, but alas, I tossed and turned for at least an hour and a half that I finally got up.
In attempt to get back to sleep I started reading. Instead of sleeping, which I was certain would happen, I ended up finishing Franny and Zooey by JD Salinger for bookclub. I must admit, it made me feel like an idiot. I'm sure there is much to be discussed and understood (a lot of depth I know I'm not getting), but honestly I feel like I just read a not so intriguing story and am hoping bookclub tomorrow night will shed some light.
After that it was about 4am and I got on my computer and started working on getting my blog publish through blurb.com. I started doing it back in January, but after I got involved with my mom's book I never went back. It seemed like such a daunting task, but this morning I just went for it and once I got the hang of it it started to go really fast.
It took all my strength to walk away from it this morning to help my girls get ready for school and exercise, but once they were off I got back on and worked for about two and a half hours while everyone was at school. It's coming along and since 2005 wasn't a very long year I think I'll be done soon and ready to print.
One thing I've learned through this process is it would be nice to have at least one photo a post. It doesn't bother me to have a page without it, but when it's post after post like it was back in the day I find that I'm adding photos as fillers in my book. Anyway, I guess just something I need to remember from here on out. Photos are a good thing.
And in my attempt to actually learn my lesson and add a photo...
here's Tess wearing her handmade necklace. She first started off by making a snowflake, since it's snowing outside yet again, but when it came out looking more like a "surf board" (her words) she decided to turn it into a necklace. Love to see her being creative.
In attempt to get back to sleep I started reading. Instead of sleeping, which I was certain would happen, I ended up finishing Franny and Zooey by JD Salinger for bookclub. I must admit, it made me feel like an idiot. I'm sure there is much to be discussed and understood (a lot of depth I know I'm not getting), but honestly I feel like I just read a not so intriguing story and am hoping bookclub tomorrow night will shed some light.
After that it was about 4am and I got on my computer and started working on getting my blog publish through blurb.com. I started doing it back in January, but after I got involved with my mom's book I never went back. It seemed like such a daunting task, but this morning I just went for it and once I got the hang of it it started to go really fast.
It took all my strength to walk away from it this morning to help my girls get ready for school and exercise, but once they were off I got back on and worked for about two and a half hours while everyone was at school. It's coming along and since 2005 wasn't a very long year I think I'll be done soon and ready to print.
One thing I've learned through this process is it would be nice to have at least one photo a post. It doesn't bother me to have a page without it, but when it's post after post like it was back in the day I find that I'm adding photos as fillers in my book. Anyway, I guess just something I need to remember from here on out. Photos are a good thing.
And in my attempt to actually learn my lesson and add a photo...
here's Tess wearing her handmade necklace. She first started off by making a snowflake, since it's snowing outside yet again, but when it came out looking more like a "surf board" (her words) she decided to turn it into a necklace. Love to see her being creative.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Remind me again that I have kids
When I grew up my Dad built us kids just about the coolest treehouse you'd ever seen. It was nestled in the corner of our yard surrounded by sand, it had a small picket fence, and even a fire pole to slide down from. It provided for me what I believed to be some of the best times I had as a child. I would go out for hours and play house with friends or just be by myself and let my imagination take me where it would that day. It was awesome.
I've thought of our treehouse often, wanting to give something like that for my own kids to enjoy, and this year I decided was the year we would do it. I often thought perhaps Adam and my dad could build one, but the more I thought about it I realized it would be much easier to just buy one. Well, it certainly wasn't that simple, it took some convincing on my part. Adam didn't want to spend the money so we made a bargain...we had planned on taking the kids to Disneyland this fall, it was loose plans, but we had talked about it. I suggested we could wait on the trip till next year (that way Megan would be even taller) and buy the girls the playhouse. He thought about it for like two seconds and said yes. It's not that he didn't want to go on the trip with the girls, but Disneyland is quite the adventure, plus I think when he realized we'd be spending less money and it would occupy the girls all summer he was on board.
We've had the playhouse in boxes for a while now and my brother-in-law Randy has been putting it together off and on (you know he had to work around the crazy spring snow) and today he and Adam finished it up.
So I need help remembering I have kids. They've been outside all day long playing, having the time of their lives, and I haven't seen then except to come in and get a drink or run to the bathroom. I really hope it will become what it was for me when I was their age...a place to escape and let their imagination run free.
I've thought of our treehouse often, wanting to give something like that for my own kids to enjoy, and this year I decided was the year we would do it. I often thought perhaps Adam and my dad could build one, but the more I thought about it I realized it would be much easier to just buy one. Well, it certainly wasn't that simple, it took some convincing on my part. Adam didn't want to spend the money so we made a bargain...we had planned on taking the kids to Disneyland this fall, it was loose plans, but we had talked about it. I suggested we could wait on the trip till next year (that way Megan would be even taller) and buy the girls the playhouse. He thought about it for like two seconds and said yes. It's not that he didn't want to go on the trip with the girls, but Disneyland is quite the adventure, plus I think when he realized we'd be spending less money and it would occupy the girls all summer he was on board.
We've had the playhouse in boxes for a while now and my brother-in-law Randy has been putting it together off and on (you know he had to work around the crazy spring snow) and today he and Adam finished it up.
So I need help remembering I have kids. They've been outside all day long playing, having the time of their lives, and I haven't seen then except to come in and get a drink or run to the bathroom. I really hope it will become what it was for me when I was their age...a place to escape and let their imagination run free.
Friday, April 11, 2008
roses
I have a friend in my neighborhood who's almost twice my age and I'm not quite sure how we came to know each other as our lives are completely different. Perhaps it was the times we spoke about life and how much I valued her wisdom on motherhood or it could have been how much I admire certain qualities she possesses, namely the way she always sends notes to people just because. I noticed this from the beginning and decided to make her some cards for Christmas hoping she would get some good use out of them.
She in time, brought me articles we'd talked about, bread, even a birthday cake. Then the other day she asked me to make her some more cards. I, of course, was more than willing and last night dropped them off at her house. As I approached she came to the door, thanked me for the cards, offered to pay (I declined), and told me her friend had sent her a gift and told her to keep them for herself of share them with her friends. She then told me she wanted to give me first choice. I had no clue what she was talking about or what it could be until I walk into her kitchen a saw a box full of four dozen roses. I was sort of confused and in awe that she would want to share them with me (it must be in lieu of payment). I mean we're not that close and they were beautiful...beautiful enough that it must have been quite the decision to want to give them up. I tried to say I couldn't possibly take them, but she insisted. So I chose the pink ones because I've never had pink roses before and thought maybe it would be the last ones that someone else might choose. I walked away feeling appreciated and happy.
So today I have a dozen pink roses to remind me that even a little gesture (a thank you, a smile, a card etc...) can make all the difference in the world to someone. Another lesson I have again been reminded of by her.
Changing the subject...
Yesterday in the late afternoon hours I painted. It really is so therapeutic to just let my mind go and paint. Perhaps that is why I am prone to do it over other creative activities these days.
Have a fabulous weekend. :)
She in time, brought me articles we'd talked about, bread, even a birthday cake. Then the other day she asked me to make her some more cards. I, of course, was more than willing and last night dropped them off at her house. As I approached she came to the door, thanked me for the cards, offered to pay (I declined), and told me her friend had sent her a gift and told her to keep them for herself of share them with her friends. She then told me she wanted to give me first choice. I had no clue what she was talking about or what it could be until I walk into her kitchen a saw a box full of four dozen roses. I was sort of confused and in awe that she would want to share them with me (it must be in lieu of payment). I mean we're not that close and they were beautiful...beautiful enough that it must have been quite the decision to want to give them up. I tried to say I couldn't possibly take them, but she insisted. So I chose the pink ones because I've never had pink roses before and thought maybe it would be the last ones that someone else might choose. I walked away feeling appreciated and happy.
So today I have a dozen pink roses to remind me that even a little gesture (a thank you, a smile, a card etc...) can make all the difference in the world to someone. Another lesson I have again been reminded of by her.
Changing the subject...
Yesterday in the late afternoon hours I painted. It really is so therapeutic to just let my mind go and paint. Perhaps that is why I am prone to do it over other creative activities these days.
Have a fabulous weekend. :)
Thursday, April 10, 2008
she said,
"Mommy, I want you to call me Meg. Tess has a friend in her class called Meg and I want to be Meg too."
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
right now
I'm recovering from a root canal I had yesterday. I wasn't in that great a shape yesterday and spent the afternoon lying in bed watching Jane Austen's Book club (it was alright) and reading. I woke up better this morning, which is a blessing because today is a busy Tuesday. I've already been to school and helped in both Bella and Tess' classrooms, now I'm watching a neighbor boy, then violin lessons, and YW on my own (class activity). Phew! So I'm glad I feel better. It just hurts to open my mouth.
I'm listening to the new Sun Kil Moon album called April. It's delightful and I'm always such a huge fan of their cover art.
I'm thinking about conference this past weekend. Several talks stood out to me, Elder Ballard's talk on motherhood (different post), Elder Wirthlin's talk, but the one that hit me the most was by Elder Bednar. I was touched by his call to us to think more about taking action and doing in particular when praying. Don't ask God what we need to know, but what we need to do. I'm ashamed to admit, though I have asked at times specifically how I can help and what I can do for someone or a situation, I've never really thought about praying with the expectation to act. What a great reminder to me of how I can make my prayers more meaningful and how I too have a responsibility to the things I ask.
I'm wanting to cook more. I use to love cooking and trying new things, but since I've had children I sort of lost the love for it. I think it was a combination of no time, or not wanting to find time to do it, and my kids being so picky they never wanted to eat what I made that I lost interest. Funny, nothing has changed, but I feel this urge to try new things and cook food that actually interest me. I guess you could say I'm bored with our meals and often don't want to eat them myself so I don't blame my family for not eating. Also a reason for my change is wanting us to eat more nutritiously. Not that we've eaten bad in the past, but I know we could do better. I'm starting my goal by making bread each week. I know it's going to be a commitment, but it's something I definitely want to be better at doing.
I'm smelling the campfire smell that hasn't left my house, basement, since Sunday. We made a fire Sunday while watching conference and for some reason it left my house with a nasty campfire smell and I've yet to get rid of it. It's now only in the basement, so I thought I could avoid it, but now its on my kids. I haven't a clue how to purge my house of the smell. Any thoughts?
I'm reading my first Jane Austen novel. I know it's shameful to think I've never read one of the greatest love stories ever told, Pride and Prejudice, but I must admit I have been a bit intimidated by the language barrier. I'm not sure if it was the movie I watched yesterday or the fact that I actually own it, but I picked it up and I don't want to put it down. It's as if I've never seen the movie, each character is coming to life for me in a whole new way and there are many scenes I'm unfamiliar with. Oh, how I wish I had all day to lay around and read.
I'm listening to the new Sun Kil Moon album called April. It's delightful and I'm always such a huge fan of their cover art.I'm thinking about conference this past weekend. Several talks stood out to me, Elder Ballard's talk on motherhood (different post), Elder Wirthlin's talk, but the one that hit me the most was by Elder Bednar. I was touched by his call to us to think more about taking action and doing in particular when praying. Don't ask God what we need to know, but what we need to do. I'm ashamed to admit, though I have asked at times specifically how I can help and what I can do for someone or a situation, I've never really thought about praying with the expectation to act. What a great reminder to me of how I can make my prayers more meaningful and how I too have a responsibility to the things I ask.
I'm wanting to cook more. I use to love cooking and trying new things, but since I've had children I sort of lost the love for it. I think it was a combination of no time, or not wanting to find time to do it, and my kids being so picky they never wanted to eat what I made that I lost interest. Funny, nothing has changed, but I feel this urge to try new things and cook food that actually interest me. I guess you could say I'm bored with our meals and often don't want to eat them myself so I don't blame my family for not eating. Also a reason for my change is wanting us to eat more nutritiously. Not that we've eaten bad in the past, but I know we could do better. I'm starting my goal by making bread each week. I know it's going to be a commitment, but it's something I definitely want to be better at doing.
I'm smelling the campfire smell that hasn't left my house, basement, since Sunday. We made a fire Sunday while watching conference and for some reason it left my house with a nasty campfire smell and I've yet to get rid of it. It's now only in the basement, so I thought I could avoid it, but now its on my kids. I haven't a clue how to purge my house of the smell. Any thoughts?
I'm reading my first Jane Austen novel. I know it's shameful to think I've never read one of the greatest love stories ever told, Pride and Prejudice, but I must admit I have been a bit intimidated by the language barrier. I'm not sure if it was the movie I watched yesterday or the fact that I actually own it, but I picked it up and I don't want to put it down. It's as if I've never seen the movie, each character is coming to life for me in a whole new way and there are many scenes I'm unfamiliar with. Oh, how I wish I had all day to lay around and read.
Friday, April 04, 2008
2 good books = an excellent morning
I woke up to the sounds of my children in the kitchen and knew it was time to get up, but before I did I told myself I was going to get back in bed once they were off to school and finish reading my book. Today just happened to be a morning I could take slowly and so I took advantage. Love that.
I had about 80 pages left in The Giver by Lois Lowry and finished rather quickly. I really liked the book and the message it taught about life. It was a great reminder to me that in this life we will face sadness, heartache, loneliness, etc., but with those deep torturing emotions we will have joy and happiness that will equal it if not go beyond. So of the lowest lows we face we will also find the highest highs...a beautiful lesson in life that I chose and am once again reminded of and am grateful for.
The second book I finished was Stop Whining, Start Living by Dr. Laura. It was a wonderfully empowering book that reminded me I have the power to change my life. If I don't like it and it's not going the way I want then I need to do something about it. She reminded me that I'm responsible for me and in the end if I'm unsatisfied with my life I have only me to blame. I fear that, I do. I fear facing the Lord and seeing the life I could of had if I just enjoyed it more. So I choose joy, and I don't mean to say that I haven't been happy or that I'm not happy now, but in the past I certainly let things get in my way. So now when faced with problems and frustrations my goal is to do my venting (yes I know whining is helpful in letting go), get it out, and then move on. Too often I've held onto it, sometimes it's just easier to be sad, and I believe sadness has it's place (I mean it helps us to see how truly happy we can be), but I know I need to move on from it and not let it take over what could be a beautiful experience. No matter what I face in this life I ultimately choose how I'm going to react and I want, more than ever, to see the good and I believe I can.
Sorry I just went off on all that, but let's just be honest, I'm going to need it in about 2 weeks when I've forgotten. I believe that is my challenge. I mean, I already know this stuff that she's talking about which is why I said it's a reminder, but I'm not so good at being consistent. I'm going to need extra help from those who love me to help push me back on the path I so desperately want to walk.
So it's been a fabulous morning, a morning full of encouraging thoughts about life and living. It certainly wasn't a coincidence I chose live to be my focus this year.
I hope you have a fabulous weekend.
I had about 80 pages left in The Giver by Lois Lowry and finished rather quickly. I really liked the book and the message it taught about life. It was a great reminder to me that in this life we will face sadness, heartache, loneliness, etc., but with those deep torturing emotions we will have joy and happiness that will equal it if not go beyond. So of the lowest lows we face we will also find the highest highs...a beautiful lesson in life that I chose and am once again reminded of and am grateful for.
The second book I finished was Stop Whining, Start Living by Dr. Laura. It was a wonderfully empowering book that reminded me I have the power to change my life. If I don't like it and it's not going the way I want then I need to do something about it. She reminded me that I'm responsible for me and in the end if I'm unsatisfied with my life I have only me to blame. I fear that, I do. I fear facing the Lord and seeing the life I could of had if I just enjoyed it more. So I choose joy, and I don't mean to say that I haven't been happy or that I'm not happy now, but in the past I certainly let things get in my way. So now when faced with problems and frustrations my goal is to do my venting (yes I know whining is helpful in letting go), get it out, and then move on. Too often I've held onto it, sometimes it's just easier to be sad, and I believe sadness has it's place (I mean it helps us to see how truly happy we can be), but I know I need to move on from it and not let it take over what could be a beautiful experience. No matter what I face in this life I ultimately choose how I'm going to react and I want, more than ever, to see the good and I believe I can.
Sorry I just went off on all that, but let's just be honest, I'm going to need it in about 2 weeks when I've forgotten. I believe that is my challenge. I mean, I already know this stuff that she's talking about which is why I said it's a reminder, but I'm not so good at being consistent. I'm going to need extra help from those who love me to help push me back on the path I so desperately want to walk.
I know this flower looks a little crazy, but I was drawn to it this morning because each blossom is not standing on there own, but clumped together waiting to show the world there beauty...reminded me that we really do need each other to bloom.
So it's been a fabulous morning, a morning full of encouraging thoughts about life and living. It certainly wasn't a coincidence I chose live to be my focus this year.
I hope you have a fabulous weekend.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
And so today becomes 3...maybe not :)
I miss these three.
I miss them in this happy state I found them in when I took this photo. When will they be back I wonder? Each morning since Sunday I've wondered and each morning the same...too sick to go to school (I know at least one of them is faking). I think Megan said it best when she said, "I'm a little bit sick and a little bit better". It may be another homebound day for all of us. Revised 8:20am they were up and ready today. Hooray we're back.
Of course you know someone doesn't feel well when they'll find just about anywhere to fall asleep.
Couldn't miss the opportunity to capture her in a most uncomfortable sleeping arrangement over the weekend. I'm not sure how she's staying on.
Lastly, my art journal entry I was working on yesterday, but didn't finish until last night. I took inspiration from the pottery barn kids magazine.
I guess you could say it goes along with what I was trying to convey in my post yesterday...i can choose to find the good or focus on the bad and I want to turn my thinking around and see the good.
Now I'm off to exercise and feel good about this new day that's ahead of me despite the fact that I didn't sleep well and was up at 4am. At least it gave me a chance to catch up on some blogs.
I miss them in this happy state I found them in when I took this photo. When will they be back I wonder? Each morning since Sunday I've wondered and each morning the same...too sick to go to school (I know at least one of them is faking). I think Megan said it best when she said, "I'm a little bit sick and a little bit better". It may be another homebound day for all of us. Revised 8:20am they were up and ready today. Hooray we're back.
Of course you know someone doesn't feel well when they'll find just about anywhere to fall asleep.
Couldn't miss the opportunity to capture her in a most uncomfortable sleeping arrangement over the weekend. I'm not sure how she's staying on.
Lastly, my art journal entry I was working on yesterday, but didn't finish until last night. I took inspiration from the pottery barn kids magazine.
I guess you could say it goes along with what I was trying to convey in my post yesterday...i can choose to find the good or focus on the bad and I want to turn my thinking around and see the good.
Now I'm off to exercise and feel good about this new day that's ahead of me despite the fact that I didn't sleep well and was up at 4am. At least it gave me a chance to catch up on some blogs.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
finding it's place
I found myself today in much the same situation as yesterday, but today the bulk of things I needed to accomplish were creative (lucky me). Making cards for a neighbor, working on photos from a photo shoot, making a book, and giving myself time for my art journal.
So I found myself in my studio most of the afternoon and instead of listening to silence, like yesterday while working in my pantry, I started listening to Stop Whining, Start Living by Dr. Laura. I admit I am a whiner and it's something I've been trying for a long time to stop. I hate that by nature I am more of a negative person, but I know that's absolutely no excuse to whine. I have the ability to change I just don't always have the will to keep it going for longer than 2 weeks, so I thought this book would help me or at least give me more strength to keep a positive attitude for more than a short period of time.
I'm 4 chapters into it and what I've discovered is that my blog may be fueling the very thing I need to shy away from....complaining. In the past I've noticed that the only times I wrote in my journal were when I was upset, so I have journals that need to be destroyed less someome think my life was all about that, but then again I think it was. To quote Fallout Boy "Misery loves me". I use to think that was the case, but now I realize I've given misery a home and allowed it to stay. It's much easier to hold onto sadness than to open up for happiness because there will always come a time in every life when that happiness will be tested so why go there in the first place? Right? Or so was my thinking.
I know happiness is a choice in life and I've chosen happiness, but I'm so sick of hearing myself complain about the big and little things in my life instead of enjoy the journey each step of the way. I know a few days ago I said that venting and putting it out there actually helps me to find meaning in it and helps me move on (and it did and it does), but when it becomes a constant I have failed to see the bigger picture and am whining because that's what I do. I need to get away from finding things to complain about.
Dr. Laura said, "whining about my problem is self serving".
So do you ever wonder if blogging has turned you into something you didn't want to be or as not to blame blogging, but the act of trying to better yourself, find yourself has actually turned you into something you don't like? I came to a realization this weekend that my constant pouring over myself in a way to better who I am has actually made me even more selfish than before and if I just stopped focusing on myself and put that energy into someone else I would actually find the real me.
I'm not sure where I heard it, but loved it instantly, "The person you want to be does exists somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief."
I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to be a better person and I finally understand that I won't get where I want to by looking in the mirror, but by stepping away from me. So what does this mean for my blog. Well, hopefully you won't hear me complain for the sake of complaining and if you do that it will be few and far between (I know whining can be helpful, but not when one dwells and I tend to be a dweller). I have to let go, live, and focus on the good and I believe giving whining it's place will help tremendously.
becuase I wanted to leave you with something visual...
thanks for letting my mind wander.
So I found myself in my studio most of the afternoon and instead of listening to silence, like yesterday while working in my pantry, I started listening to Stop Whining, Start Living by Dr. Laura. I admit I am a whiner and it's something I've been trying for a long time to stop. I hate that by nature I am more of a negative person, but I know that's absolutely no excuse to whine. I have the ability to change I just don't always have the will to keep it going for longer than 2 weeks, so I thought this book would help me or at least give me more strength to keep a positive attitude for more than a short period of time.
I'm 4 chapters into it and what I've discovered is that my blog may be fueling the very thing I need to shy away from....complaining. In the past I've noticed that the only times I wrote in my journal were when I was upset, so I have journals that need to be destroyed less someome think my life was all about that, but then again I think it was. To quote Fallout Boy "Misery loves me". I use to think that was the case, but now I realize I've given misery a home and allowed it to stay. It's much easier to hold onto sadness than to open up for happiness because there will always come a time in every life when that happiness will be tested so why go there in the first place? Right? Or so was my thinking.
I know happiness is a choice in life and I've chosen happiness, but I'm so sick of hearing myself complain about the big and little things in my life instead of enjoy the journey each step of the way. I know a few days ago I said that venting and putting it out there actually helps me to find meaning in it and helps me move on (and it did and it does), but when it becomes a constant I have failed to see the bigger picture and am whining because that's what I do. I need to get away from finding things to complain about.
Dr. Laura said, "whining about my problem is self serving".
So do you ever wonder if blogging has turned you into something you didn't want to be or as not to blame blogging, but the act of trying to better yourself, find yourself has actually turned you into something you don't like? I came to a realization this weekend that my constant pouring over myself in a way to better who I am has actually made me even more selfish than before and if I just stopped focusing on myself and put that energy into someone else I would actually find the real me.
I'm not sure where I heard it, but loved it instantly, "The person you want to be does exists somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith and belief."
I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to be a better person and I finally understand that I won't get where I want to by looking in the mirror, but by stepping away from me. So what does this mean for my blog. Well, hopefully you won't hear me complain for the sake of complaining and if you do that it will be few and far between (I know whining can be helpful, but not when one dwells and I tend to be a dweller). I have to let go, live, and focus on the good and I believe giving whining it's place will help tremendously.
becuase I wanted to leave you with something visual...
thanks for letting my mind wander.
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