the climb

For the past few weeks whenever there has been a date to jot down I've been too quick to write 2011. I guess you could say I've had the desire to move 2010 along and be done with this year. I spent some time yesterday going from room to room digging out from Christmas thinking about my goals for the upcoming year, what I want to accomplish, and my word (which I have not been able to come close to choosing) when I quickly shifted my thoughts to 2010 knowing I should give it a proper goodbye.



You see it's been a hard year. Not in the way you'd imagine. My marriage, though had it's fair share of stumbles, continued to move forward. We are tight financially, but have been able to keep up so far. Besides my little scare in February we've all been healthy & safe--no tragedies to speak of. All is seemingly well. No it wasn't those things that made 2010 a hard year, it's what I personally chose to do that became my biggest challenge.

The best way I know how to explain it is using a metaphor--

Around 2006/2007 I was moving along looking up now and again at the mountain that would eventually need to be tackled, afraid to give it ago due to prior experience, knowing though, that there was no other way around it. I had been sitting on my plateau for a while, feeling nice and comfortable, and knew it was time--the only way to grow, change, and get to the top was to climb there myself. So I continued the course. It was challenging in it's own way to get back out there because the last time had been so tragic. The last time no one asked me if I wanted to leave my safe place--I was pushed. Abruptly so. I was lost then for a long time until about 2006/2007 or there abouts when I sucked it up and started to embrace the changes, stop fighting about something I couldn't control, and move on. It was uncomfortable, like all growth tends to be, but I made it through.

After I successfully reached the point I had set out for--the next plateau--I thought, well let's not do that again. It was hard and I needed sometime to recuperate. So I took a rest--until last year. With BYU Woman's Conference looming on the horizon and my surgery, I was teetering on the edge. I knew I wouldn't be able to stay where I was and rather than be pushed, which I've found out does not work at all, I chose to step off my comfortable place and move forward once again. It was different this time. My 7-8% grade increased immediately to 12-15%, and although I was moving at a manageable pace, it was still quite challenging. I knew it would be difficult, that it had been difficult, but I never imagined how difficult. I was facing breaking habits I've had since my beginning and completely trying to change the way my mind worked/thought. I had to sit down a time or two, get reinforcements, and remind myself that I was choosing to make this climb, that I could do it, and that it would be okay.

I guess what I didn't realized when I embarked on this journey a year ago is how with each step you take the harder and harder it is to change. I always thought change was change and that it was created equal, but am beginning to realize that each time you leave the plateau and attempt to make "you" better it gets harder and harder because you are moving more and more into uncharted territories--getting more and more specific.

I wish I could say I moved further, that I had made bigger strides like I did in prior years, but this particular climb has taken more time than anticipated and I will be bringing some if it with me in 2011. I was upset by that earlier in the month, wishing the year would end and so would my climb, but I know it can't be avoided. I'm not ready and I realize that now. You see, I learned a very valuable lesson as I made my way this year--with each climb you are collecting tools you will need for the next one. Line upon line. It all made sense when it came together like that. It's exactly what I have been taught since I was a child. You can't learn to run before you can walk. Each climb is necessary to get to the top. Each climb must be giving it's own due time.

And so I continue....

I hope regardless of what 2010 held for you that 2011 will provide and be everything you need.

xoxo,
amy gretchen

her way

She has this unique ability to wear you down to the point where you're doing exactly what you said you wouldn't do and you're ok with it. Although this may appear, at first, to not be a very good quality, I find it really adds to her personality--her winning smile, her persistence, her confidence, the way she tells you what she's going to do while trying to disguise it as a question with with statements like, I'm going to watch a movie, ok? It's all part of her charm really, and although I can get exasperated by her from time to time she is one in a million and I wouldn't want her any other way.

Our festivities

I'm not even sure what day it is. With so much going on the past few days time seems to mesh together & it feels like another week has gone by. My sister is in town & I guess that's just what happens when she comes. I don't really pay attention to days or times & just go from one thing to the next until she goes home. It's been nice having her here, even if just for a little while. She's going to be leaving on thursday so it was quick, but grateful they're willing to do the 24hr round trip drive in order to spend the holiday with us.

Our Christmas festivities started on Christmas Eve with Adam's family. It took us about 10 years to figure out the best way to work the holidays with both families in town, but have settled on Christmas Eve with adam's family (I think they like having a low key day at home Christmas day).


Christmas Eve started & ended with good food. Sometimes I wonder how I could ever be hungry after eating such a big meal hours before, of course it could of been the hours on the couch opening gifts that worked up my appetite. Before we did that though, we read verses from the New Testament. The kids were all pretty patient except for the youngest who kept asking when we'd be done.


Christmas morning was, as always, a huge hit and a lot of fun to finally watch the fruits of our labor be enjoyed. Later my whole family came over for breakfast. I love this tradition. It's the perfect accompaniment to christmas morning--all of us together in jammies enjoying the celebration. Couldn't have been better. My favorite part was when my mom cried when I gave her my gift. I was very uncertain of all the gifts I made this year & honestly can't be sure I'll do it next year, however seeing my mom get emotional made me think perhaps I'm not giving myself enough credit. All I know is, it was a sweet moment.

All & all it was a great Christmas. A wonderful end to all the anticipation from the last 6 weeks. It is crazy though, as it always is, to see Christmas come and go another year. As much as I enjoyed it I am looking forward to getting back to life. To clean my house room by room & declutter like mad--one of my favorite new years traditions.

I've sort of been off the grid for a while now so I hope you all had a fabulous holiday. Seriously can you believe it's come and gone?

xo
Amy Gretchen

My childhood Christmas' were simply put, magical. Family gatherings, winter activities, anticipation of gifts, believing in Santa Claus, constant treats being made and coming in, and of course I can't forget the decorations. All of it together made for a magical season. I didn't really know then how magical they were until I became an adult and creating the Christmas magic became part of my job. Admittedly, it took some time to get use to. I'm not too keen on Christmas being crazy busy and full of to dos so when it was all on me, I resisted and started begrudging the holidays--the same holidays I loved as a child.

That was not okay with me.

This year I decided to take a different approach summed up with one word--simplify. I cut out things that were not essential and found it left room for all the things we really wanted to do/see/experience. Don't get me wrong it was/is still busy. I mean, I think that's just part of this time of year, but the main difference was I embraced it. I knew going in what I was facing and appreciated it for what it was, knowing full well, that soon enough Christmas would be over and life would quickly go back to normal as it always does.

I think that's what I loved so much about Christmas as a kid--it was that one time during the year where life was anything but normal. It was festive, joyful, bright--it was magical.

**do you find the holidays to be stressful or do you embrace it and enjoy each moment?

xo
amy gretchen

christmas tradition

"I held him close for only a short time, but after he was gone, I'd see his smile on the face of a perfect stranger & I knew he would be there with me all the rest of my days." -storypeople


We don't really talk about the hardness of it all anymore. We can all feel the weight of the emptiness when we're together. His death forever changed us and we've all had to find our way through to the other side. Interesting how when you get there the hurting stops, but the void is ever constant--you never really are whole again. So instead we share stories and remember him they way he was.



















Each year going to the grave in December, sharing a bit of Christmas with him, is healing. Most the time it's a bit chaotic with kids helping/playing in the snow, but I know it's exactly what he would want. He was a bit rowdy himself or a lot rowdy and imagine him loving how our family has grown. This year we sang Christmas carols around the tree. I'm not sure why exactly, except it did feel festive.

If I have learned one thing through this experience it's that we all have our own story, our own tragedy, our own emptiness, our own longing, our own sadness that we are trying to work through. I hope the holidays does not become a time to mourn about what is missing, but a celebration of what we have and what we have been blessed with. Each year I am doing better and better at putting the emptiness aside and loving Christmas--remembering with the birth of Christ came the gift of eternal families. And for that I will be forever grateful.

Merry Christmas!

xoxo
amy gretchen

holiday happenings

--We had a family party with my extended family and played musical chairs. Usually the little kids just play, but this year each generation had a turn. I'm thinking it was our parents that wanted to get a crack at it. Tess and my dad won and I got second place, lost to my cousin Nick. Man we were so close to sweeping it as a family.


--Megan and Bella had their annual Christmas violin performance last Tuesday night. Megan could not get her hat to agree with her. Each time she took a bow it would reposition in all sorts of crazy ways.

--I'm working on my 5th time through Pride and Prejudice in the last week. Don't judge me. I simply have not been able to get enough of it--it has kept me company while wrapping and folding laundry. It is good to laugh and swoon while doing work, no? One of my favorite lines, "i am not the sort of person to torment a respectable man. Please hear me when I say I cannot accept you." Tess, who was home from school Friday with pinkeye, got her first glimpse into the wonderful world of Jane Austen. I think I have managed to persuade her, although I'm quite sure she didn't follow it completely.


--Bella, who's the only experience violinist in her 5th grade orchestra, was able to play a solo at the school recital Wednesday. Though she has been quite modest about the whole thing I know she was thrilled to be able to do it. p.s. forgive my poor video capturing skills. I had to cut out the first few seconds because it was unwatchable. New years resolution--work on my video skills.


--Megan's dance class did a little demonstration for the parents Thursday after school--a little rendition of the nutcracker. I was quite impressed by her developing skills since the last time I saw her perform. If dancing is something she'd like to do, I dare say it will take her.

--It's snowed again last night after a warm weekend. My 80 year old neighbor told me he mowed his lawn for the first time ever in the month of December. Crazy. Hopefully it will be white for Christmas and then I'm all for 50 degree weather. Of course it's not the cold that gets me in the winter, it's the grayness.

--My studio is a disaster. So much so that it's difficult for me to come in here. Boxes, wrapping, filler, tags, ribbon, and all manner of packaging scattered about the room waiting to be used. It looks like Christmas is coming. Cannot believe it's less than a week away. Are you ready??

Happy Monday!
xo

fourteen years

In the end, I think that I will like that we were sitting on the bed, talking & wondering where the time had gone.
-Storypeople



Fourteen years seems like a very long time, I know the hostess at the restaurant last night was pretty shocked when we told her. I couldn't decide if it was because we were still married after fourteen years or that we looked too young to be married that long. Yes, I admit it does seem like being married at 20 is crazy, insane, but as a 20 year old I felt more than capable of making such an important decision & honestly I was. Adam is the best decision I've ever made and I'm so grateful we stumbled into each others life over 15 years ago.

I'm grateful because we've had the opportunity to grow up together. We've been through a lot the last 14 years that has brought us to where we are today. We struggled, we pushed and pulled so to speak, until we were able to figure out what we needed--what worked for us. And so we've found this beautiful place of understanding, trust, forgiveness, & joy. Of course it's not just a one time lesson, a marriage is never done, just like us as individuals, we are constantly learning from each other, constantly maneuvering to find the right balance.

Without sounding like a cliché--he completes me. He does. He's everything I need him to be and provides me with all the rest. I'm grateful for what we have. Not a day goes by without me giving thanks for the life we have created together & the work we've done to make it so.

Adam--perhaps its my tired mind, but as I sit and type I feel my words aren't adequately expressing what my heart feels. I love you. What more can I say--you are everything.

xxox

a winter wonderland

artist date | creative wednesday

It finally snowed after a few weeks of unseasonably warm weather. It was this snow that I couldn't stop thinking about and what got me outside yesterday afternoon. I was deep in them middle of trying to wrap, the outside only a short glimpse away, and each time I looked up the white pillowy softness caught my attention. I simply had to be out in it...and so i did.















The first thing that stood out to me was the quiet. The stillness. The snow softens the sounds and the crunching under my feet and my breath were the only two sounds present as I walked the trail. It was absolutely beautiful. No, breathtaking is a better word to describe it, and although my photographs can't do the moment justice, at least I will have them to remember the peace and solitude of that afternoon. You see, I've had a lot on my mind. With Adam gone my thoughts stay trapped in my head, waiting for him to be released. Poor guy. I always feel bad for him after he's come home from being away. There are four eager woman waiting to be heard--by him. It's a lot to come home to, but he does it with a smile.

I'm enjoying my artist dates very much and am finding quite a lot of wisdom in these few hours of escape. I certainly am beginning to understand why Julia Cameron insists upon them.

Hope all is well with you.

xoxo,
amy gretchen

i have, have you?

--Have you ever had a dream that stays with you all day?
--Have you ever found yourself so deep in thought in the shower that when you finally come back you're unsure how much time has past?
--Have you ever let a song take you back to a different time?
--Have you ever waited by the phone hoping it will ring with your loved one on the other end telling you they've made it safely?
--Have you ever been tempted to sneak a peek under the tree?
--Have you ever rediscovered an artist you've know about for years?
--Have you ever found something so cute you had to have it, and so you do, even though you don't have the money?
--Have you ever been so excited to get your hair done you arrive 1/2 hour early to your appointment?
--Have you ever had a cute day where you change your plans so you can go on the outside?
--Have you ever been so overwhelmed that you forget it all and pick up a novel instead?
--Have you ever roamed around your house looking at the photos on the walls, the clutter on the table, and the stuff on the floor and been so grateful for your life.
--Have you ever found yourself cleaning your toilet, grateful you have a toilet to clean?
--Have you considered yourself a "clean" person, but look around and wonder how it got so messy?
--Have you ever bought a song because of the tune and then you hear the lyrics and realize there explicit?
--Have you ever found yourself taking photographs without a camera?
--Have you ever been singing your heart out in the car only to look over and see the girl next to you singing the same song?
--Have you ever played musical chairs as a 30 something, got totally into it, and made it to the bottom two?
--Have you ever found yourself doing something you never thought you could?

I have, have you?

12of 12 | December

Admittedly I was not too happy about having another Sunday. Not that I don't like Sundays, but around here they're just really low key. I had to laugh at myself because that's the exact reason why I started to do the 12of12 challenge. It allows you to capture your life on a normal, perhaps slow day, you wouldn't normally think to capture. I love the little pieces I ended up with today and hope you feel the same about your day.


[click here to enlarge]

01. Doing my normal Sunday "morning" routine--working on Primary business.
02. Adam made breakfast for us all before he left.
03. My primary binder. It sees a lot of action during the week, but especially on Sundays.
04. Watching Adam take his leave to Tennessee.
05. Primary kids singing, "Once There Was A Snowman".
06. Finally a blue sky. I've missed this sun this past week.
07. Adam and I saying our final goodbyes.
08. Bella enjoying her after church time.
09. The word of the day is: gallivant\ GAL-uh-vant, v; to wander about, seeking pleasure or diversion; -- The girls have been putting the word of the day on our chalkboard for a week or so now. They've been using my dictionary app to help them. I'm actually quite enjoying the reminders myself.
10. Went to see my parents today. They told me I made their day and here's proof--my dad being my dad playing with the girls. I so remember that as a little girl. Makes me so happy to see them together.
11. The gifts are beginning to fill up under the tree.
12. We stuck around to watch a movie with my parents. As per usual we had bowls and bowls of popcorn.


I really can't believe it's December already. Seriously, I feel like we just got started and we've already done this now 12 times. I hope you've enjoyed playing along with me this year. I have loved having all of you participate with me each month & hope you're ready for round two--definitely planning on 12of12 for 2011.

Don't forget to share!!

live nativity

My brother's neighborhood puts this on every year. A tradition that sadly was not around when we lived there, but grateful my brother invited us. It was really cool to experience the nativity acted out as it might have been. My girls loved it, and particularly loved seeing all the different animals. I imagine this night was the beginning of a family tradition.

12of12 reminder

Today adam spent his time in the kitchen studying for an exam that will cause him to travel to Tennessee next week so I kept the girls occupied so neither of us would be tempted to talk to him (trust me for a quality time girl it's easier said than done). Our activity--wrapping. I thought it would be a good learning experience for the girls. I thought it would be fun. It turned out to be frustrating. I guess when there's a lot of gifts to wrap and three people asking different questions all at the same time, it appears to be easier to just do it yourself. They did manage to wrap their secret sister gifts and gifts for their cousins so I felt they had had enough practice for one day.

phew!

And of course I don't want to leave you without our very last reminder of the year. Tomorrow is the 12th so be ready to capture, what I image to be, a festive day. Have fun!


[December 2009]

all aglow

Our annual walk through Temple Square....



















We were pleasantly surprised this year that it wasn't as busy as it has been in the past. I think the ominous rain kept people away even though it really just sprinkled for a few minutes. Too bad it wasn't snowing--it's been strangely warm for this time of year. We couldn't have asked for a better night, or company, to roam around enjoying the lights.

**What are some of your holiday traditions?

artist date

"He said, 'the lesson for today is this: it is better to travel with hope in one's heart than to arrive in safety. Do you understand?'
'No sir.'
'It means that we should celebrate today's failure because it is a clear sign that our voyage of discovery is not yet over. The day the experiment succeeds is the day the experiment ends. And I inevitably find that the sadness of ending outweighs the celebration of success.'"
~Jacqueline Kelly, The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate




The afternoon started with a long list
maneuvering through busy streets
jammed parking structures
the crazy cold that seeps through all the layers--
but I had my camera
what could have been a frustrating shopping trip transformed into a most delightful artist date--
all because I allowed myself to see it differently.













thank goodness we are never done discovering...