each bouquet

As we drove through the packed cemetery at a crawling pace I had a chance to look out at the vast amounts of people who were there, mourning, reflecting, and celebrating the life of their loved one. There were husbands remembering wives, mothers remembering children, grandchildren remembering grandparents, sisters remembering brothers, children remembering parents. It breaks my heart and yet it's the most beautiful thing to see families being brought together laughing & crying.





Despite the tender feelings I get when I go to the cemetery I love it there. I do. I know it's sounds crazy and so out of character for me, but I could spend hours there getting lost walking through, in and out of the graves, wondering what stories lie beneath the dirt. I especially love it there right now when there's flowers scattered about the grass and you know behind each bouquet is a tremendous amount of love. The two photos above were among my favorites.







There are times when we're all together visiting my brother's grave and my family shares stories and experiences they remember about him, but today we seemed more quiet. It can be hard to be there with my family and talk about it all. I know it seems like it would be easier since they know exactly what it feels like, but for some reason there are times that I'm at the verge of loosing it and to see them brings it all back so I try to distance myself. Today seemed like one of those days so I was grateful for the quiet, grateful to be able to hide behind my camera for a bit.







As we walked from my brother's grave to all of my grandparent's graves I watched my family up ahead of me and felt truly grateful to have them in my life. We're a hodge-podge group with our good days and bad, but they're mine, apart of the person I am, and I love them dearly. Wish my sister could have been with us.







It was a good evening.
The best kind.

I hope you all have a fabulous holiday weekend.

turning 8

I really cannot believe she's eight. Eight! It's not that I never thought this day would come, rather in my head she will always be that silly, sensitive four year old girl I saw in the picture I posted yesterday.



1. Everyone tells her how much she looks like her dad, but when I see her, I see me. I think she is the most like me.

2. She is sensitive and emotional.

3. She's one of the most compassionate people I know and would do anything to make someone happy, even if that means giving up something she wants.



4. She loves to spend time with Adam and I. Even if it's just being in the same room with us doing different things, where ever we are you will usually find her. I've come to find out that she's definitely a quality time kind of girl.

5. She just started the piano last fall and says she can't wait til she can play with Bella and Megan as they play their violin.



6. For someone who is quite picky about their food she eats non-stop. Among her favorites are hot dogs, oranges, cucumbers, beef stew, and pizza. Crazy for someone who claims she doesn't like cheese.

7. She's loves art and if she's not outside playing, she'll be inside drawing or painting.

8. She is such a daddy's girl and is heavily influenced by him. For instance her favorite song is One Day by Matisyahu.

Happy Birthday sweet Tess! I love you.

the difference four years make

[1 June 2006]

I remember this day like it was yesterday. It was June 1st, the last day of Kindergarten for Bella. She was 6 years old and excited for the summer to begin, though sad to be leaving her teacher behind. Tess had been 4 years old for only 4 days and Megan was a couple months shy of 2.

Life was really intense then. Always a kid under foot, always someone who needed me. I remember being exhausted and tired (it's amazing what you can get done when your tired). I remember the times when I cried and I thought I wouldn't be able to do it another day. I remember wondering if I would ever feel whole again, but at the end of the day I loved it because I loved them and I would do anything.



Today, four years later, I feel like not much has changed and yet everything has. Megan is ending her kindergarten year getting ready to be like her sisters and go to school all day. Tess is only a few hours away from turning 8 and getting baptized. Bella is 10 years old and saying goodbye to her 4th grade year.

It's crazy to see the time fly, to look at these two pictures and compare where we were and where we are. Though life definitely isn't as intense as it once was, it's still just as busy with school projects, volunteer work, and after school activities. I don't have someone pulling at my pants or climbing up on my lap, but I am just as needed. There are days that I miss when they were younger and all home, days that I mourn the passing of time, but I know there is nothing more I can do about those days so I remind myself to be here in the now. Soak up and love where we are so I can appreciate it once it's gone. And I am...loving where we are.

My girls are independent, yet they still need Adam and I. They listen to us, yet they have there own strong opinions. They like time with friends, but not more than time with family. They still have an early bed time and wake up at the crack of dawn. They can easily put themselves to bed, yet they still love and want me to come see them before they drift off to sleep.

I love to see them become more of their own person, but I love that they still need Adam and I. I'm hoping even when they get older, when other things become more important that they will still need us in one way or the other because I know one thing for sure...I will still need them.

she came from us...

Ray LaMontagne started playing as we were finishing up the dinner dishes. Adam and I sort of bumped into each other and spontaneously started dancing as the girls laughing, ran around the room. The noise in the distance faded and all that was left was us, enjoying the touch, the calm of the moment after such a busy day.



Then Megan ran by us throwing out nonsense words and as the screen door shut behind her she said, "Nice music, enjoy your love." And we couldn't contain ourselves any longer. She had broken the spell with her witty words and we laughed as we looked at her sly little smile coming through the grid of the screen.

He asked, "Where did she come from?"
"Us. She came from us." I reminded.

Today...

I could have done without the snow. Do not attempt to adjust your screen the white flakes you see are in fact snow. I cried a bit as I watched it fall this morning & collect on the road. We probably got a total of 3 inches all together. It did melt very quickly once it decided to stop, but I'm sad it killed my neighbors newly planted flowers.

I'm grateful for late night talks & time spent reconnecting.

I've been listening to Sarah by Ray LaMontagne. His entire album Gossip In the Grain is so mood altering I can't get enough. Another favorite is I Still Care For You.


I've been looking through the photos I took of Bella in her play Saturday. I thought she was funny and did a great job acting, much better than I could have ever done. I wonder if this is something she will want to continue with. In this scene she's a citizen of the emerald city so that's why all the green.

I've been attempting to watch the series finale of Lost while I fold clothes. Finally after 30 minutes of in & out I realize I just need to wait til tonight. I have a feeling I'm going to be let down and be ashamed I spent so much of my time on this show.

I feel understood.

We played blockus for FHE.


I'm wondering when my body will stop hurting? Adam took this picture Saturday unbeknownst to me while I was doing the kick boxing portion of p90x. Can't believe how sore you can be from hitting air.

Adam and I bought The National's new album High Violet. The jury is still out. A few songs stood out right away, but I'm not completely sold on the rest...not yet anyway.

togetherness

I'd been walking around, aimlessly, waiting for the babysitter to come so Adam and I could have some time together. He was in the library drawing and the girls were scattered throughout the house. I gave up my wondering and found myself in the library with Adam talking while he busied away at his art. It seems whenever Adam and I are together the girls soon follow and such was the case yesterday evening.

Bella came in and busied herself with her ghost story. She started writing it after school and said it was going to be her summer project. Tess pulled out her watercolors and began to paint. Megan sat down and looked through the photo book I had made of all of us.



As I sat there watching the room fill up with girls so did the happiness inside it. Among the mundane moments (laundry, cleaning, etc.) that make up parts of my life there have been days of uncertainty to my purpose. What is it that I'm meant to do? In this moment the answer was crystal clear, the feeling palpable...

This is my purpose.
They are my purpose.
And all was well.

a yoga morning

I just recently borrowed P90X from my mom, more like stole (she knows i have it, but i doubt she'll get it back). I've heard a lot of good things about it, I've been wanting to feel strong again like I did last summer when I was doing boot camp, so I've decided to tackle it for the next 90 days. I am afraid, I admit, but so far so good.

I started yesterday with Day 3 of the program. I know kind of weird, but I didn't want to wait to start next Monday and I want Sunday to be my rest day so I started day 3. Makes sense to me. I figure at some point I will make up the first two and call it even.


[this is my test photo to make sure the lighting was just right. Not only does it crack me up that she is patiently waiting to start, but her outfit. Can't get enough of her.]

Today was yoga day. Megan's been talking about yoga ever since her friend's mom came to school and taught her some yoga moves. I had my mat out the other day and she was throwing around terms like downward dog and child's pose and quite frankly I didn't even know what she was talking about (I've only ever done yoga once, years ago). Imagine her excitement when I pull out my mat and put in the yoga disc. She got herself ready for exercise and joined me. Bella and Tess joined me yesterday for shoulders and arms (w/out weights) so they decided they would play along too.









A lot more moaning than I had anticipated from them, but I get it, it was harder than I thought. Looking at it you'd think yoga is a glorified stretching exercise, I assure you it was not. I enjoyed it though, and enjoyed my company. I'm hoping this will be part of our summer morning routine.

Have you done or are you doing P90X?
Have I made a huge mistake?

Have a great day.

i always want to remember...

[megan's bunny ears]

...what it sounds like when I hear the pitter patter of little feet heading to my door.
...what it feels like to have your smallness snuggle up with me in the early hours of the morning.
...giving you wet face kisses straight out of the shower.
...when you ask if we can paint together.
...when you wrote, "You're nice and kind even when you're frustrated. You appreciate me and my sisters for who we are. When things get hard, I can always turn to you for advice. I would never trade you for another mom."



..your eagerness to help me, even when it's chores around the house.
...they way you stumble over unfamiliar words as you read the scriptures.
...how you open up and share your heart.
...watching you run to the car after school, out of breath, eager to tell me what happened that day.
...your laughter while you play imaginary games outside.



...what it feels like to have the five of us eating dinner together each night.
...the shrinky-dink necklace you made for me.
...the look on your face when you beat me at a card game.
...your excitement when I ask, "Do you want to make cookies?"
...that you would choose a fruit bowl over candy.


[photos taken mother's day morning, straight out of bed, by adam]

...seeing how happy you get when I volunteer in your classroom.
...listening to you make up songs with your sisters.
...the way we dance to Michael Jackson in the kitchen while we cooked dinner.
...that your not afraid to ask me about anything.
...that I'm the first person you come to for comfort when you're sad.
...when you said, "my favorite thing about my mom is that she is my mom for eternity."


I wish I could slow down time, just a bit. I'm loving where we're at right now.
Life is good.

monday miscellany | photos

Right before I took this she was singing at the top of her lungs One Day by Matisyahu. Happy memory of her.


When I got home from St. George Adam had completely change our living room around. He removed our non-dining room table and rearranged the furniture to add more seating. I liked his changes, but there is a little something that doesn't quite feel right to me...can't figure it out though.


There's a little mama robin right outside my bedroom protecting her soon to be born babies. We are all looking forward to their birth-day.


Friday night we went to the girls art night at school. It's a fundraiser where they have a silent auction and you're able to walk through the school and see a bunch of the art projects they have been working on. Shown here is Tess' mask, apparently they hung it upside down, Bella's beehive and Megan's drawings of animals.


Saturday before mother's day the 5 of us went out to celebrate. So grateful to have the four of them in my life.


I received 25 thank yous from Tess' classmates for helping with junior achievement teaching them about how communities work. It totally made my day.

sunday thought

I'm home from church with a sick Megan today. Technically she's sick, but she sure isn't acting like it. In fact, she keeps asking if she can go outside and ride her scooter. Since I'm home I decided to read over some of my church notes from the last few months and found this list of things we can do to help strengthen us for the days ahead.

1. Change your attitude. Think positively.
2. Have gratitude in your heart daily. Say thank you.
3. Do at least one selfless act each day...something you wouldn't normally do.
4. Offer yourself to others.



This is not the first time I've heard a list like this, but I do remember thinking how interesting it is that it seems to keep coming back to these same four principles. Be positive. Be grateful. Be selfless. Give service.

It's all pretty basic stuff, wouldn't you say? But I can see how adding them to your everyday can make a significant impact on you, the way you see the world, and those you come in contact with, i.e. family & friends. Even though I feel like I do think about these things often I know that I have plenty of room to improve and am recommitting myself to doing better at living this way on a daily basis.

What do you think about the list?

girls weekend getaway | photos

Good to be home and sleep in my own bed. Love my bed. I thought this break would allow me to catch up on my sleep, but unfortunately I slept horrible almost every night. UGH! I did however have a good time with my mom, sister Jeni, and sister-in-law Amy. There were some crazy times, times I'm sure everyone has experienced when four woman get together, but I enjoyed my time with them and the seemingly endless conversations. I hope it's something we can do annually.


the first day we got pedicures.














p.s. I'm keeping track of rainbows...this counts right?










love the red rocks