this journey

So I tried to think of what I could do Monday that would be fun for my kids. I pretty much had it narrowed down to McDonald's or inviting their friends to come play. I talked to this girl at church whose having a really hard time right now and asked her if she was up for either. She was with another woman in my ward (13 yrs older than me) who I just adore so I asked her as well. She has kids and loves gathering so I figured she would enjoy it as well. She exercises to eat so she is very particular about what calories she consumes. Not that she won't have fatty foods, but she doesn't want to waste a meal on McDonald's so we decided to do something here...either get take out or make something. When I called them the next day one of the girls was with someone else and she invited her. I also adore this woman and was glad she was coming. I went about my business not really worrying or stressing about anyone coming over (that's huge for me) just looking forward to the afternoon. Then my one friend called and said, "are you sure your ok hosting 18 people". I hadn't really taken into account all the kids that would be here. In fact I choose not to think about it knowing they would stay in the basement anyway. As far as I knew it would be the four of us and I chose to keep thinking of it that way.

So my friends came over, we fed the kids, and then sat down to enjoy our lunch. Can I just say it was one of the best days I've had in a long time. We talked for about 3.5 hours with minimal interruptions. In that moment I wouldn't have wanted to do anything else and I realized the power woman have over each other and how important it is to have friends in your life. I think to often in big groups I feel like the outsider and see the intimate relationships around me and it saddens me and I leave feeling down. I didn't feel this way when they left, but excited for the next time (we planned a dinner for february).

Right now as I write this I wonder if I've already decided how close I'm willing to let them get. I mean I didn't hold back anything from the conversation, I felt very safe, but I can't tell you how many times I've been burned and deeply hurt when I give all of myself. It's my curse. I've never been blessed with a best friend, friends yes, someone to call and cry to, 1 maybe. Sadly I'm sure that must mean it's all me or maybe I just haven't met the right person, but I know I've met several right people. I had someone tell me in High School it was because of what i had. I use to think it was just because we were in HS. Girls are very immature, but the older I get the more I realize it's not age. It's me.

It's really easy to go through life pushing all these feeling aside, but at the end of the day when you're faced with yourself all that's left is loneliness. I guess you just never know what lies behind the door.

This wasn't the way this post was going to end. Please know I'm not feeling sorry for myself so please don't feel sorry for me. I feel liberated. I feel I have found my safe place here. Thank you for taking the journey with me.

giving myself

This year I am really trying to open up and share myself. Who I am. My passions. There have been many things I've thought about sharing and just never do. Part of the reason is because I think who really cares. Who cares if I got a new camera or what book I'm ready or what store I bought my new favorite jeans at. Another part is that I feel like if someone wants to know they will just ask me. And yet, another part holds back because I don't want to false advertise...What do I know really?

After reading Kristi's post today it got me thinking...I haven't been sharing nearly enough. Maybe people do care. Maybe they want to know and even if they don't, because sometimes they won't, than at least I put a little bit more of me out there. I've been accused of not giving enough of myself. I don't want to be remembered that way. I want to give until I have nothing left. Hopefully that will bring me to the place I seek.

So with that said, Melanie mentioned something in her blog about photoshop and I know others have mentioned it as well. For what it's worth here are my thoughts.

I use photoshop CS2 for pretty much everything you see on my blog. It's my tool of choice. I would suggest buying it or Photoshop Elements, which is much more affordable and pretty much does the same stuff as CS2, to anyone. So the question how to learn such an intense program...I like text books. I want to know the theory. I want to know why I'm doing something so when it comes time to do a project myself I know what tools to go to. So I read this and have been very happy with how informative it is. It's dry I know, but it served my purpose. I have heard excellent things about Scott Kelby's books (PSCS2 & PSE). It's pretty much a step by step guide on techniques, which is a great way to learn quickly. I also really like the missing manual books which have great tutorials. (I've read a book like this for a different program and really liked it because after almost every chapter there was a tutorial. I believe this series is only found in PSE, though I could be wrong.) Here is my advice...go to the book store and just spend some time looking through all the photoshop books to see what one would work best for you...everyone learns differently. Then jot down the ones you really like and go to amazon and check out the reviews. If it didn't get a good review you may want to find something else. I hope this was helpful in some way.

Please please please email me if you have any questions. I am truly happy to help with anything if I can. And thank you to everyone who has helped or inspired me. I hope I can give back in some way.

Last couple days in photos

I must admit I have been a bit leery to do anything with my photos. My whole photo system seems out of whack now that I've had this problem. I feel lost without my HD. I won't find out until sometime next week the fate of my HD and the photos inside. Lucky the HD is under warranty so if it's broken they'll give me a new one. I just pray the photos come with it.

Anyway this morning I decided to look through my photos from the last few days. The girls were getting a bagel with their dad so it gave me enough quiet time to get it done.

This morning I asked Megan to go get a diaper so I could change her insanely heavy diaper. Of course I moved onto other things thinking she would just be back. It turns out she got distracted (I encourage this) in her room and when I walked by this is what I saw...
I immediately went to get my camera and snapped this. So glad I got it without her even knowing I was there.

Yesterday the girls and I played with a Mr. Potato Head & friends set Megan got for Christmas. I have to admit when I was a child this was one of my favorites. I love making crazy faces and seeing the different combinations I could come up with. It's good to see some things never change. I got up to go to the bathroom and when I came back Tess was still playing with Mr. Potato Head and Megan was in her room doing this....
Hmmm, maybe it's time for a big girl bed! Would I be consider a bad parent because I let her play this way? Eventually Tess got up with her and jumped, laughed, and climbed. I love to see the two of them getting along. It hasn't always been like that. It will be sad to see that end when Tess goes to Kindergarten next year.

Thursday was the big snow storm. It pretty much snowed all day long from the time I walked Bella to the neighbors until way past bedtime. Adam wasn't coming home again (work) so I decided to go do it myself. Megan and Tess came out with me for a while, but Megan couldn't take the cold and watched from the window. Tess did her best to help me for a while, but then also got too cold and ventured in the house. It was funny to see them from the window like they were cheering me on.
This time shoveling was hard because the snow was so light and fluffy. I don't know why, but it didn't seem as peaceful and enjoyable as the last time either. I pretty much couldn't wait to be back inside. I told Adam we are getting a snow plower and that is final.

So today I've been running around doing not so fun needed errands. I am just realizing it is a holiday weekend, but only for the government. I don't know why I thought Adam would have the day off. Perhaps I'll take my girls to do something fun Monday.

What do you do on a holiday when the kids are out of school?
Do you have plans this weekend?

BTW it's 8 degrees where I live or according to my car thermo. Can you believe that!? Oh and I wanted to show you how deep it was when I was shoveling the other day. Keep in mind about an inch and a half fell after this photo was taken. (notice my markings on the photo)

I'm freaking out...

Late last night I was trying to locate a few photos and realized the computer wasn't picking up my external hard drive (HD). I couldn't figure out why and did all I could think of until it hit me...I couldn't hear the HD spinning so I knew it wasn't working properly.

Let me take a step back to give you an understanding of what this actually means. Every single photo I have taken is on that HD. No Joke...every one. Now I am not stupid...I did actually back them up onto many discs as the years have gone by; however; I know for sure I have yet to save my photos from December 24 to now. Which means all of my Christmas 06 photos and all the ones from this month are potentially gone. Also I know there are some edits and some projects I have made which are also not saved.

This sickens me to the core. Sickens! I do however, have comfort in the fact that not all is lost, but I have some precious memories that could be gone forever and not to forget a lot of work. It hurts my heart. Adam wasn't home last night (working) so I couldn't get his opinion on the matter or the reassurance, which I desperately needed. Needless to say I did not sleep well last night and had constant dreams about it.

When I spoke with Adam this morning he wasn't much help, but he did give me hope and that's exactly what I need right now. I'm taking it in to pc laptops this morning to see if they can help me recover my files. I am hoping and praying they will be able to.

You know I feel foolish. I have always been so good about downloading photos and immediately getting them onto a disc. I don't know why I didn't do that now. Never again. I have learned my lesson. I hope you will all learn this lesson from me and save yourself a lot of grief. Back up you photos and files! Trust me....computers fail all the time.

Lighthouse tour day 3.

I thought I would get my experience documented before it was too late. Lucky for me I remember details very well. Actually I do have key events/activities on paper, but tend to loose those things so wanted to blog it asap.

We woke up to dark gray skies. Adam suggested we go for a walk, but upon closer examination the mist was actually rain and not fog. He told me I was crazy and that it was Oregon's “misty rain” which was great for walking in. Well I still declined, I’m not blind it was raining. So he decided to go anyway and I opted to take a shower and get ready. When he came back he was soaking wet and it turns out he didn’t even end up going walking because it was raining hard (just like I said). He went to Wal-Mart instead and got us umbrellas to use for the rest of the day and trip if needed.

When I actually went outside I couldn’t believe how wet it was. Just getting to the car, keep in mind we had our bags as well, got my pants all wet. Anyway, we found a quaint little diner to eat at where everyone inside new each other but us. I liked it, but also felt like I was intruding in on an exclusive party.

Next we headed to the Newport Aquarium. It was enjoyable to walk around and see all the amazing sea life. I also really liked the touch pool. It made me feel like a kid again. Of course half of the Aquarium is outside so we were forced to walk around in the rainy cool weather. I suppose it was good because it made it so it wasn’t crowded. Outside we saw the bigger animals like sea lions, which I really enjoyed watching them chase each other in the water. Man they move fast. We weren’t at the aquarium terribly long. Without the crowd it moved very quickly, plus because of the weather we weren’t just hanging out walking around outside like we probably would have with clear skies.

We then went to Yaquina Bay lighthouse. It was unfortunately still closed and it was so foggy we didn’t even bother getting out of the car.

Then we headed to Yaquina Head lighthouse. It was still foggy and so windy our umbrellas were turning inside out, but it was open so we were able to go inside. It pretty much looked like the others we had seen, but still cool nevertheless. One of my favorite parts of visiting the lighthouses was seeing the lenses and learning there signature.

We had a drive ahead of us so we headed to Canon Beach. I heard so many cool things about this town that I was really excited to go. I can’t remember how long the drive was, but I know we were so engrossed in conversation that we missed Cape Meres lighthouse, one of the lighthouses on our list. I was bummed, but we saw so many that I got over it quickly.

photo actually taken day 4

They were right…Canon Beach was a very cool quaint little town. It was still gray and yucky outside so we headed straight to our hotel to settle in. We stayed at Hallmark Inn right on the beach across from the very famous Haystack rock. I wasn’t sure at the time, because I thought Goonies was filmed exclusively in Astoria, but it was in fact the rocks in the movie. After taking about an hour or so to relax we went for a walk in the “misty rain”. I don’t know if this is legit, but Adam has always talked about the rain in OR being misty instead of pouring rain. Well this was my first experience of it and it was very cool. You could tell water was in the air, but you weren’t getting really wet. After a while of walking along the beach, I forgot to take my camera, we started getting cold so we headed in to get ready for dinner. We ate at Wayfarer Restaurant and celebrated our anniversary. No, it wasn’t our real anniversary, but that’s what we had told them when we made reservations so they brought our dinner on plates that said “Happy Anniversary” and they treated us so well. It felt like a very special dinner, plus the food was exquisite….by far the best meal of the trip for me. Oh yeah when we first got there the storm was lifting and you could actually see the sky. So as we waited to order we watched the most beautiful sunset. Again I wanted to run outside and take a picture, but opted out and decided to enjoy the moment with Adam. It was the perfect end to a great day.

More photos here.

One day in her life...

I know I've already told you about how this little one could talk your ear off, but I couldn't resist documenting this part of her personality as well. She is way into fashion. In fact for months now she has been the one deciding what she wears. She has more than once been upset by the dress I've chosen for her to wear to church. At times I hate that she has an opinion, but when she asks nicely I usually don't mind she cares.


Well with a closet full of cloths and a girl who loves to wear them we easily go through multiple changes throughout the day. There have in fact been days where she has changed outfits at least 13 times. I kid you not, which is exactly why on Monday January 7, I got out my camera and took pictures. I have never actually documented all her changes so I decided it was time. I was amazed that I took 9 pictures, most of them in such a short time. It's unbelievable really and it makes me wonder what she'll be like as a teenager. I hope she has a good job.

Although at times I am fearful, just watching her makes me smile. She has a way about her that is so lovable no matter what she's up too.

project 1 & 2

As you know one of my goals was to do a project every week. This could be as simple as a scrapbook page or something more time intense like what I'm about to share with you. It doesn't really matter so much as it's something creative, something that just makes me happy, or something I have been dying to work on or get to...like cleaning out a closet.

So last week I saw this very cool set of drawers in our garage that has been there for years, but really hasn't been used to it's potential. I asked Adam if I could bring it inside and use it for all my scrapbook supplies. He of course didn't care and to tell you the truth I think was thrilled to get it out of the garage. So Monday I started cleaning it out and what I found feared me into almost not accepting this piece. It appears this cabinet had been lived in. Ok, this should be nothing new to me. We had a bit of a mouse infestation (no judgment please) in our last house and apparently we didn't clean this out before moving. Dispite my reservations the cabinet was just way too cool to pass up so I decided to move forward anyway and take the best precautions to protect myself. I was able to get it all cleaned out, it really wasn't that bad but it did take forever, and then dosed the whole thing in clorox. I woke up yesterday morning and still wasn't feeling 100% about it so I rubbed the whole thing in clorox once again. Then I lined it all with the kitchen liners. I feel much better now.

I couldn't be more thrilled with this set of drawers. I haven't filled it yet and i know it looks a bit banged up, but that will change. I'm not quite done with it. I still want to find cute knobs and will most likely end up painting it again and sanding the edges once the warm weather hits. For now I'm just thrilled I brought this back to life and now have a great way to store my embellishments.

Are you working on anything this week?

technical difficulties

I think blogger is trying to force me to switch to the new version. I knew at some point this would happen as blogger will not support the old version forever, but if I am unable to log in to my account? I have been in a panic for about 30 minutes trying to get onto my account. I have been unable to comment as well. All my comments come up with a wrong url page I have never seen before. Hopefully I will now that I have been able to log in, but it was showing me as logged in when I tried comment earlier.

I'm curious is this happening to anyones else?

New schedule….longer nap

I think I’m in huge trouble. Getting home from church at an earlier time is always perfect for the nap scenario, but today I think I may have taken it too far. After we ate lunch/dinner I laid down at 2ish and woke up at 5:30pm. Afternoon naps are never good on me and of course I had the hardest time getting up. I couldn't shaking it. Apparently Adam couldn’t stand it any longer, he said he was concerned about me sleeping too long, so he came in as I was on my way out. (I scared him really badly which I was thrilled about. Trust me it's very hard to do and he scares me on purpose all the time.) I seriously couldn't take being up for that long so I headed back to bed with him following.

We laid there talking for a few minute and then we heard the team coming down the hall and knew we would be over run by loud noises. It’s funny to see us gearing up and preparing ourselves for what was about to happen. I imagine if someone was watching us they’d be dying with laughter. Of course the girls made there way in between us, doing what they do, taking away the quiet cozy environment. We played for a few minutes and then Bella came up with a genius game. She would mimic someone and we would guess…pretty much charades. Her first person ended up being a character from a movie which to tell you the truth was a bit difficult to figure out so to make the game go more smoothly & quickly we suggested only doing people in our family. Bella started off mimicking Adam and did a very good job of it I must say. Then Adam took a turn and did everyone in the room. The funniest part of this whole game was none of the girls could figure out which one was them. Of course I knew it right off the bat as it was so obvious, Adam’s pretty good, but they had no clue if it was them or not. Perhaps it was some kind of denial. Anyway, everyone took a turn and we were all laughing and guessing and thinking “that’s exactly what they say or do”. Besides just spending some great quality time as a family, I loved hearing the things that stuck out in my girls mind about each of us. Plus I enjoyed how much fun we were having and how we laughed about each other's quirks. I can’t remember having so much fun and laughing so hard with all of us together.

Classic Sunday...making cookies....New Years Day 2006

Here are some highlights:

1. Bella mimicking Megan, “Mommy, is it getting night time.” Couldn’t be more true. She asks me this starting at 10am everyday and usually doesn’t stop asking until it actually is nighttime.
2. Adam mimicking Bella, “oohhhh” with the Charlie Brown walk. So classic Bella and I have already heard it twice tonight.
3. Me mimicking Tess, “I’m not hungry…my tummy hurts”. This girl is never ready to eat unless it happens to be 90% sugar.
4. Tess mimicking Adam, “Bagel time!” The girls have made a tradition of going to the bagel store every Saturday. It has been a four and a half year tradition the girls can't live without.
   
5. Bella mimicking me, “first you need to clean up your room”. Sadly I do say quite often. Not sure that it works most of the time.
   

last night

First of all I want to say thank you to everyone for your comments on my 100 post. I feel such an out poring of love and support. It was a fabulous experience and a real eye opener for me to do and also I loved reading all of yours. I feel like I've gained a bunch of new friends over night. :)

Ok now on with my story....

I had just put dinner in the oven when Adam showed up. I knew we had an hour to kill before we ate and a driveway filling up with snow by the minute (it snowed from 9am-9pm yesterday) so I talked Adam into shoveling the driveway together. We got in our snow gear and headed out. It was so beautiful and peaceful. I love how quiet the snow makes everything. We got both our driveways and our neighbor's driveway done in under an hour...nice. As we went inside I started feeling sick to my stomach and seriously tired. Apparently it wasn't just me. He was feeling the same way. Immediately I was fearful we both had that dreaded flu.

So we went to our room to lay down, of course the girls followed us. I leaned over at him, who looked ready to fall asleep at any moment and said, "don't leave me". He started laughing, but I was totally serious. The night before he went to bed at 7:15pm and I was left to get the girls to bed. Lucky for me I was able to get them down at 7:30pm so no big whoop. Well I was in no mood to do this on my own tonight, plus dinner was in the oven cooking. After much pleading we both got up, had dinner, cleaned the kitchen, put a movie on in the basement, and proceeded to lay down again. This time our relaxation was disturbed by the children...nothing new for us. So we both got up to have prayers, brush teeth, and get everyone off to bed.

Then once again we laid down to actually sleep this time...it's 7:40pm. We turned on the tv just to drowned out the day. Adam is quickly asleep, but I'm up enough to watch the office which was brand new. Suddenly Adam gets up. He can't sleep and heads to his hot tub. He claims he's going to "cook the jimmy". I feel awake as well so I decided to read my book...9pm. As I'm reading I'm falling asleep. You know when you know you're sleeping, but you can't do anything about it. That's where I was. I was in an uncomfortable position and my light was on so I got up enough to turn it off and move, but apparently that's all it took. My mind was up and I couldn't stop thinking. By this time Adam had come inside, laid down, and was having the same problems. I can't tell you how frustrated this was for us...10pm

We turned back on the TV and watch an episode of Nova. Of course he didn't make it through, but I sadly did. Finally I turned off the TV thinking surly I can go to sleep now, but my mind just wouldn't stop and despite my headache and need for sleep I couldn't let go. It was maddening. I ended up staying up until 1 am.

At 6pm yesterday evening I was sure I would be out as soon as I put my head on the pillow. It drives me crazy when stuff like that happens. Especially when you're dying to sleep.

Does this happen to any of you? If so what do you do? This seems to happen to me more than not and could use some advice on the matter.

BTW we got like 8 inches of snow yesterday. Any snow for you?

our chatterbox

Megan has more than once been called a chatterbox. For those of you who have been around her, for even a short period of time, know exactly what I'm talking about. In fact when we tell people she never stops talking I don't think they believe us until they're actually with her and get to experience her first hand.

Though at times I must admit it can be a little annoying, I more than not enjoy listening to her talk. She has the cutest little voice and never ceases to amaze me by the things she says. Just last night when Adam asked her if she wanted to take a bath she said, "actually I do". The other day when I was in the middle of a conversation with Adam she said to me, "mommy stop talking it's my turn to talk" and proceeded to take over the conversation. Last week when my nephew Alan was over playing I heard yelling from the other room and one of the girls said, "go tell mom". Then Megan yelled, "No, I'll tell". She came running in to be the first to tell me she hit Tess. I guess it doesn't matter what it is as long as she gets to say it.

Some of my favorite phrases are:
"so funny" with a laugh
"but I want to"
"so sparkly" she says this about her kitty right after it comes out of the washer&dryer.
"I just want you"
"tickle me now"
"I hurt myself, kiss it mommy kiss it"
"I need you"
"mhmm..."

100 things about me

I thought this was a great idea that Jill took from Annalisa who originally got it from Kelly. I think everyone should do this. It's such a great way to learn bits and pieces about each other. Thank you for the inspiration ladies. I so enjoyed doing this.

1. I have a hard time making decisions.
2. I have no problem saving money.
3. I love to watch people and am hyper aware of what's/who's around me.
4. I'm really bad at keeping plants alive.
5. I'm not a huge fan of ice cream.
6. I've never really had a best friend that was a girl.
7. I enjoy when I get up and get going in the morning, but am not really good at it these days.
8. 90% of the furniture in my house is from DownEast Home.
9. I only drink water and it's been like that as long as I can remember.
10. I'm so uncomfortable in stores like Tai Pan Trading Co that are mainly for decorating.
11. I rarely eat breakfast.
12. I have a crooked nose.
13. I have the worst hair. I pretty much hate it.
14. I always crave french fries.
15. I love the whole process of labor and delivery.
16. I know what I don't like.
17. I learn things very quickly.

18. I love taking photos of the details of my life.
19. I love the smell of the earth after it rains.
20. I feel lonely a lot of the time.
21. I have a hard time spending money on cloths.
22. I've taught myself almost everything I know.
23. I delight in the word "simplify".
24. When I go back to school I'm going to study graphic design.
25. This is my favorite number.
26. I have chocolate everyday.
27. I would much rather read a book on design or photography before a novel.
28. I have a good life.
29. I love dance music.
30. Having an ipod has changed the way I listen to music.
31. I care what other people think.
32. I lack self confidence.
33. I'm hyper aware of my flaws.
34. I'm so bad with grammar or anything else that has to do with the subject "English".
35. I love biology & science.
36. I'm fascinated with history.
37. I memorize very easily.
38. I can sort of play the piano.
40. I would have another child if I thought I could mentally handle it.
41. I so desperately want to be a good mother.
42. I delight being on time.
43. I'm a home body.

44. I hope my girls will become best friends.
45. The internet has changed my life.
46. I enjoy a reason to get dressed up.
47. I can talk to my husband about anything.
48. I have lived in the same state my whole life and don't see that changing.
49. I love technology.
50. I love to take something/anything out of it's package for the first time.
51. I really want a mac, but can't justify getting one.
52. I want to learn how to play the guitar.
53. I get cold after I eat.
54. I never did get my bachelors degree.
55. I enjoy hearing my wind chimes out back.
56. I love to be organized.
57. I use to hate being alone, but now I need it daily to feel sane.
58. At night in the winter I love to make hot chocolate, wrap myself in a blanket, and read a magazine.
59. I love sushi.
60. I'm always thinking. My mind never stops.
61. I love to exercise, but am in a dry spell right now.
62. I enjoy silence.
63. I hate dreaming at night.
64. I kicked my issue with death.
65. I need to be creative.
66. Our 2005 taxes didn't get filed until Oct 2006.
67. I always sing in the car.
68. I enjoy listening to NPR.
69. I love getting homemade creative gifts.
70. My older brother died when he was 18 and I was 16.
71. I love/need intimacy.
72. I don't really have a favorite color just different moods.
73. I love roller coasters and amusement parks.
74. I dance with my girls on a daily basis.
75. I have learned a ton about myself from being a mother.
76. I want to be understood.
77. I don't get bored. There's always something I want to do.
78. I'm a massage therapist.
79. I never had braces.
80. I love the smell of a new box of crayons and playdoh.
81. I loved my childhood.
82. I feel utterly lucky for the family I have.
83. I have a hard time forgiving myself.
84. I would be completely lost in life without my religion.

85. I love lighthouses for they way they look and everything they stand for.
86. I enjoy being silly and laughing.
87. I love wildflowers.
88. I usually forget at least one thing when leaving the house.
89. I would take a nap everyday if I could.
90. At night I must have all my blinds closed. I hate living in a fish bowel.
91. I can see my entire town from my back yard. I love it.
92. I enjoy coming back from vacation.
93. I work on "parenting with love and logic" on a daily basis.
94. I hate feeling like I'm missing out on something.
95. I love the smell of the anthropologie candles...such a delight.
96. I enjoy being in a small group just sitting around and talking.
97. I love making a to do list and will often write something I've already done on the list so I can cross it off.
98. I have multiple junk drawers.
99. I love being inspired.
100. I love blogging and being able to document my life my favorite way.

my mundane life

I enjoy making a list of what I've done during my day as a way to remember, but fear sharing my mundane life peppered with my poor writing skills will cause me to loose readers. Don't know if I can afford that. But with that said, I have decided to throw my fears a side for now and make my blog fit my needs for better or worse. I'm hoping through the monotony of my day you will get to know me better. Of course it's a perfect way to be accountable to someone and in turn helping me reach my goals.

here goes nothing

I woke Bella up for school today and both her and I had a hard time adjusting to the new schedule. Man I was tired. While I was helping Tess change into something warmer Bella came running downstairs declaring she had to throw up. Lucky enough we barely made it in time to reach the toilet so there was minimal clean up. She seems to be doing better because she's already acting bored. So far everyone has been hit with this crazy flu, but me so I am, to say the least, terrified of getting sick.

I not only made a dent in my laundry today I have only one more load to do. This is pretty impressive for me since it takes so long to dry my cloths and all day to do a load of towels. I'm hoping I can keep up this pace. I use to do my laundry on Mondays & Fridays, but am thinking if I do one load a day it will keep me on top of it. Since my dryer is so bad it's hard to get everything done on one day anyway.

I've given myself time to organized my studio today. It's been a mess since Christmas so it's nice to see my desk again. I have the hardest time working in clutter, but seem to do it more often than not. I also want to get things in order because my project for the week is to empty and clean a set of drawers in the garage Adam isn't using. It's a really cool piece with 6 drawers, the four skinner ones with dividers in them. It will be great for organizing embellishments and other supplies I don't know what to do with.

I've realized that if we're going to get Megan potty trained we ought to put her in a big girl bed so if she has to go to the bathroom she can. I'm not sure I'm ready for her to be in a big girl bed even if she can climb out of the crib if she wants. The crib has been up and used for 6 years now so it seems weird to take it down and box it up. I suppose that time is quickly approaching no matter what I do. It's just so hard to imagine that that part of my life is potentially over. Don't get me wrong I celebrate it as much as I morn it.

I have been ready to get to January as soon as Christmas was over. Yesterday we took down all the Christmas decoration so life feels and looks back to normal. My tree was so dead I was grateful to see it go. I had a harder time taking down all the Christmas cards though, I really loved getting them and seeing them up all month. One of the things I love most about January is a new planner. Yesterday I pulled out my new planner and started highlighting dates and preparing it for 2007. I love it. It makes me feel in complete control. Only 9 weeks to my birthday. :)

In true Jill form...
How is your first day back to real life?
Are your Christmas decoration still up?
Do you like to do laundry?
Do you use a planner?

back to blogging....New Year.

Man it's been a while since I've really sat down and blogged. Leading up to Christmas was so crazy and then after was just as busy. My sister was in town all week and we hung out everyday. It's such a nice small break from the everyday for me, but when she goes I am so backed up with laundry, cleaning, blogging etc. I haven't even been to Pink Christmas to see all the gifts. Thank you so much to Melanie for my wonderful gift. I loved that you used a photo of a lighthouse. It meant so much to me that you know I love them.

I am in awe that today is a new year. It feels like 2006 flew by quicker than the last. I have been trying all weekend to look at where I'm at and how far I've come in 365 days. I get discouraged when I review my intentions and realize I didn't meet them all, but am encouraged by the changes I have made and battles I've won. Too often life seems more complicated to me than it should be. I'm hoping this year I can use what I learned about myself in 2006 and make a real difference.

One of the things I'm striving to master is organization. I love to be organized and feel I'm not that bad at it, but more often than not my day goes by and I wonder what I accomplished. I know some times it's hard to get it all done with little ones, but at the end of the day when I can't recall what I did I have to wonder. I'm going to take Jill's advice and start a log of my daily activities. Then take what I learn and move to the fly lady routine. I've done it before, but have since gotten out of the habit. I really think being organized will help me on so many levels in my life. If I can get this down I'm hoping other parts of my life, I'm unhappy with, will fall into place. Let's hope I'm right.

I have several goals as far as creativity is concerned. There are a few areas I want to grow in and learn more about. I already have multiple books I want/need to buy. Perhaps I should have asked for Barnes&Noble gift certificates for Christmas. I so enjoy learning something new and look forward to tackling a new direction and seeing where it takes me. I, of course, want to continue to learn and grow in those areas that I've already found passion for like photography and scrapbooking.

Another goal of mine is to do a project at least once a week...one thing I didn't do very well last year that I really wanted too. I think part of the reason was blogging. I love the blogging world for what it has taught me and the connections I've made, but I see how it can take the place of creativity. I want to make sure to have a better balance so i can keep up with all of you and continue to do the things I love.

I suppose this list could go on and on. I have spiritual and family goals like better FHE, reading the BOM together and alone, serving more outside my home, memorizing the "Living Christ" (a YW goal), getting my food storage complete, potty training megan (hopefully soon), reading more, playing more with my girls, more time with adam, taking a vacation together etc. etc. I just have to say I have such a great outlook for 2007. I feel, though it will most likely come with it's challenges, I'm ready to face them because 2006 was good to me...hard, but good. It has been an interesting ride and I thank all of those who were with me, supported me, and gave me what I needed this past year. I only hope I can do the same for someone else.

Bringing Christmas to Alan

This has become part of our holiday tradition. It's something I really look forward to. It's so nice my sister is here so her family can do it with us, but I really miss having Chris and his family help who are in CA. See more photos here.

One of the things I have noticed about doing things for my brother are the questions it brings to my children. I know they don't understand death so it has become a great way for them to feel comfortable asking. They want to know when my brother is coming back or when they will see him? I love that I have the answers for them. That we have the gospel in our life. That we can be together forever as a family. I'm so grateful these times have become happy teaching moments instead of sad times.

Merry Christmas! May your holiday be filled with love, joy and of course remembrance of the Savior.

The new Blogger!

Did you see that blogger is now out of Beta. They have their new version available. I am tempted to do it because of the new perks.

1. labeling
2. you can make your blog totally private so the only people that can read it are the ones you give permission. I find this feature to be a major plus. I have no idea who lurks on my blog and to be honest it scares me. So I guess it will weed out the lurkers. I welcome all readers I just would like to know who you are. :)

Hopefully all the problems are out of the new version because I may be switching sooner than later. Anyone else ready to switch?

edited to add
FYI...the word beta means the last software testing phase before a production rollout. So if something is beta they are testing the software for bugs and problems that may occur. If you switched before now then you became their guinea pigs. I think hotmail is in this phase right now, but I opted out of it because I could no longer use link or see photos. Anyway, blogger is out of the testing period and the new version is now available.

Pink Christmas arrived on my door today.

I am having a hard time not opening it. I thought I would just open it right away, but have been convincing myself to wait for Christmas. Now I'm not sure that I should.

Are you waiting until Christmas morning to open your Pink Christmas gift or have you done it already?

ten years

december 19, 1996

It feels like a lifetime (in a good way). In fact it's very difficult for me to remember a time when he wasn't in my life. He is so apart of everything I do and everything I am. He's my best friend and the one I turned to. He comforts me and makes me feel safe. Most importantly he makes me feel loved.

Last night we went to dinner, Bella has a recital tonight, and we reminisced the past ten years together. I was a lot of fun recounting the houses we've lived in, how many cars we've owned, our breakdowns...so on and so forth. It made me utterly grateful for all the good and bad times we experienced together because it has brought us to this place we're at right now. This close safe intimate place.

In honor of 10 years I'll give you 10 reasons why I love this man of mine.

1. He loves me and desires to know the woman I am.
2. He has such a great sense of humor and keeps me laughing.
3. His ability to communicate. He listens. He talks. He wants to know what I'm thinking.
4. He has the ability to see the woman that I can become.
5. His first priority is to his family.
6. He has a love for learning.
7. He has a love for life. To live his life without regrets. To make sure he's doing all that he can to create the life he has dreamed of.
8. He's extremely motivated. He goes after what he wants and he's not afraid to work.
9. He's talented and not just as an artist. He's an amazing teacher and loyal friend.
10. He's deep. He's complicated. He's mind never stops.

Adam, if your reading this, I love. I need. Thank you for talking. For listening. For healing. For being you. For making me laugh. For skipping with me in the parking lot. For learning patience. For loving me. Here's to the last ten years and for 10 more fabulous years ahead.

One of the first & favorite pictures Adam's drawn for me.

photo stamps

Ok tell me is this not the coolest thing you've ever seen? I've seen others do this before and have wanted to personalize me very own stamps, but never wanted to pay the extra price. Well I just couldn't help it. This photo was just screaming to me to be on a stamp. It's even more enjoyable sending out cards now. Anyway, I had them made here. Check them out they are always having deals.

Can you believe Christmas is next weekend? I'm sort of in a panic. Does anyone else feel like they are forgetting something or someone?

Hope everyone is getting a lot done this weekend.

meaning behind the 12 days of Christmas

I found this years ago and thought I would share. I think it's quite interesting. Keep in mind if you are doing the 12 days of Christmas for someone you should be starting tomorrow.

Enjoy!

Partridge in a pear tree represents Jesus

2 turtle doves - represent joining of old and new testaments

3 french hens - represent trinity

4 calling birds - 4 evangelists and their gifts

5 golden rings - represents 5 books of the old testament

6 geese a laying - 6 days of creation of earth

7 swans a swimming - seven gifts of the Holy Spirit (prophecy, service, teaching, encouragement, giving, leadership, and mercy)

8 maids a milking - 8 beatitudes which spell out blessings for the lowly, such as milkmaids. Most familiar beatitude is "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth"

9 ladies dancing - 9 fruits of the Holy Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control)

10 lords a leaping - ten commandments

11 pipers piping - 11 apostles who were true to Jesus

12 drummers drumming - 12 doctrines of the creed that summarizes the central beliefs of Catholicism

It's a winter wonderland out there

This morning we woke up to tons and tons of snow. It's at least 6 inches, if not more. I would know because I was out for an hour shoveling both driveways. It was so beautiful and surprising warm I didn't mind at all.


Tess has been asking the last several weeks, "when are we going to make a snowman?" I kept telling her we're waiting for the right kind of snow. So this morning when she saw that I was outside she immediately got dress with her boots and wanted to come join me. She even asked me if it was the right kind of snow. I told Megan to get ready as well and when I came back in to check on her this is what I found. Sweet little Megan in her dress up cloths. All I could do was laugh.After changing Megan and trying to find their gloves and hats we headed out to make our snowman. As it turns out, it was more challenging than I thought so Mr. Snowman, as they fondly call him, ended up quite small. I couldn't understand it, the snow was perfect for packing, but for some reason we couldn't get the balls big enough without them falling apart. Apparently I'm out of practice. Despite the size of him we had a lot of fun. Well I should say Tess and I did. Megan gave up after a while. I don't blame her as I couldn't find her gloves so I know she was cold. She did come back out to put on the carrot which she was thrilled about. Actually I think Tess' favorite part was looking for the sticks and rocks...she had to find the perfect ones. Winter is not my favorite, but playing in the snow like this totally redeems it. For those of you that got snow, how much did you get? I'm curious what a difference living on the bench is like since it's our first winter here.

it's a gift and everything we choose to make it

I sat down to read some blogs and the first few I visited, Jill's post about being comfortable with who we are and Crystalyn's post about being a happiness maker, really got me thinking about my life, this past year, and what I've been striving for. To be honest I think about this stuff all the time and actually talk about it with Adam a lot. I'm desperate to find the key to being completely happy all the time. Though I think that's a bit crazy, everyone has bad days, but I'm determine to make my life mine and stop wasting this beautiful gift that is life.

I'm, on a whole, a negative person or I should say I tend to see life in a negative light. I believe I have always been this way, but to tell you the truth I have no idea when my thoughts drifted. It's nothing I'm proud of, but the fact still remains the same. I realize the effect it has on me and those that are around me is very damaging. For years I have been desperate to change it, but have found it to be quite a difficult task. Almost to the point where I've felt it to be an impossible feat. I've definitely given up a few times and have, as a result, found myself in a very lonely place. Once again as I began my journey I was determined to make it right, though I knew it was far beyond what I was capable of and I couldn't do it alone. In searching for the right way to overcome my tendencies I came across some very powerful realizations about myself.

Being sad...this sad place I find myself frequently has become very comforting. To the point where I was afraid to let it go. I know that sounds very strange, but when something has been with you for so long it's hard to imagine life without it. I mean really why would I want to be uncomfortable. Silly me, that is what this life is about. Happiness isn't something that is given to us, it's something we attain. It's something we work for everyday of our life. It's uncomfortable. It pushes us to be all we can. It meant everything in the world to me once I realized what I wanted was in my control. I have the power to make my life what I desire. A few weeks ago Michelle quoted from the book "She", which I ordered and still never received, "She designed a life she loved." It struck me so deeply, but so did the word's Heidi Swapp wrote about the quote:

To me, this statement is about choices. It doesn't say anything about her circumstances, her strengths or weaknesses. It doesn't mention her challenges or her triumphs -- only the fact that she made a decision. That her life was HERs and she knew that it was too precious, too short and too wonderful not to LOVE.

I just kept saying to myself. "That's it. It's all up to me and me alone." Sounds simple, doesn't it? I believe the answers always are, it's the execution that becomes difficult. In Jill's Saturday post she gave the perfect quote to explain what I mean,

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. .." --marianne williamson

Once we find out what we are capable of it becomes harder and harder to sit idly by as life goes on without us; however, sometimes we do laze about and that's when we wished we never knew our potential. Ok, some of you may not feel this way, but I can totally relate. It's easier not to expect anything from myself. That's one of the reasons why I find being a SAHM (stay at home mom) difficult. There is no one evaluating you or making you responsible for your day/time. Again, it's up to me.

I have been amazed what going out of my comfort zone really feels like....awkward, uneasy, but always always rewarding in the end. Nothing in life comes without effort. NOTHING! That knowledge alone has given me so much hope and power and to be completely honest fear, because in the end I am responsible for the life I created. Man I have regretted a lot of things in my day, but I am determined not to regret my life. Truly it is a gift.

Done!

2005 card

Finally our Christmas cards are done. Hooray! Ok, I'm not completely done as I still need to pick them up from getting printed and stuff them in the envelops, but the hardest part is done. Adam was going to do them this year, but I played around in Photoshop anyway to create something. You never know what will come up. Turns out once he saw what I did he liked it enough to use them instead. I think he is so busy right now and doesn't need another deadline.

I love the tradition of send and receiving Christmas cards. I've always enjoyed sending them out and even more than that, I love receiving them. It's just about a "good mail" day everyday in December. I need to pull out all our creations just so I can remember all the cards we've sent the past 10 years. Wow, I can't believe there have been so many.

I think the rest of us our safe

Friday night we all went to sleep like every other night until about 11:58pm when Megan woke up puking all over the place. Adam was the first one to get to her and I followed shortly after. We got her all clean up and laid her back down to sleep with a water and fresh jammies. For all of you who know this flu has been going around in the extended family, so I felt slightly prepared, yet I still wasn't prepared for what happened the rest of the night. Megan proceeded to wake up 17 time puking every time throughout the night. It was literally every 20 minutes on the dot. Adam couldn't get back to sleep after the 3rd time so he ended up watching TV all night and joined me when Megan needed help. I couldn't believe what was happening and after about the 7th time I turned to him and said, "See you in 20 mintues." Finally around 3:20am he begged me to stay in bed and he would take care of her. I must say I hate to get up, but when it comes to my kids needing help I have a hard time letting go. I was however, grateful for his suggestion...I don't remember being so exhausted. I felt so badly for her and was just grateful she was at least able to sleep from 4:40am-10:30am. She did start to feel better once the afternoon came, which I was so grateful for. She was cracking jokes and playing with the girls.

That night around midnight Adam got really sick. He was up all night again dealing with himself. I must say I was very fearful of who would be next. The next few nights when I put the older girls to bed I talked them thru what to do if they felt sick in the night. As it turns out no one else has gotten it. I feel confident that it's out of the house, but you never know. Every night I go to bed I pray that was the last of it and so far so good. I am hoping this will be it for the winter season, but somehow I doubt it.

Have you guys been dealing with sickness in your home?

You would not believe...

That I actually think about posting everyday, but for one reason or another it doesn't always happen. Suffice to say I have some catching up to do...as usual. Here are a few photos from the night we all went to temple square. It was sooo cold I'm not sure we even stayed out there for longer than 30 minutes. Despite the winter chill it's a fun life long tradition that I'm glad I was able to experience again with my family.




My basement has been driving me crazy or I should say the lack of organization for my girl's toys has been driving me crazy. To think that Christmas is on it's way is enough for me to try to do something about this problem. So all day yesterday I put up shelves, bought storage bins, and organized the toys. I found it so satisfying to do and the girls even got way into it. They each took one of the small bins for themselves and demanded a label for it. This started the labeling craze so now all the bins are neatly labeled and in place. It's unbelievable how much stuff you find just by emptying everything out and starting over. I must say when I look at the closet and realize it's completely full, I don't know where the new toys are going to go. We for sure need to have each of the kids give away one big item. It just gets to be too much. Anyone else with me on that? So I mentioned the girls were so excited...Bella said, "we have a new house." and Tess wanted to have a sleepover in the living room. I was glad they were as thrilled with the project as I. Perhaps they will keep it looking like this for more than 24 hours. We'll see I guess, but I'm not counting on it.