closer to whole

A few days into Squam I felt so out of place, like I didn't belong and had no idea what I was doing there. It was then that I had a moment with the founder Elizabeth MacCrellish. She in her great wisdom and intuition invited me into her space and would not let me leave no matter how much I pleaded through the tears, I'm fine. I'm good. Don't worry about me. She did not give up so easily, but worked with me patiently until I could put a name to my pain. I let her in and when I did I felt her sincere love and began to feel what I had been missing all this time. Thank you Elizabeth for seeing me. For really seeing me.

I've been trying to write for days the feelings in my heart of what this experience meant to me...what she means to me. I've been trying to share how she broke down my barriers and I went from feeling so unsure of myself to a woman full of peace and light. I've written about four different drafts and each time I walk away and come back to it something just doesn't feel right. It wasn't until my conversation with Adam this afternoon that I realized I'm trying to make sense of it by looking into the past and answering the question "Why? Why do I feel this way? Why did this happen?" when i should be taking what I've learned about myself and use it going forward.

I don't know why I don't feel like I deserve to be loved.
I don't know why I sometimes hold people at a distance.
I don't know why I can't see myself the way others do.
I don't know why I lack self confidence.
What I do know is I have a fire deep within me that Elizabeth lit. It is small and fragile, but it is very much alive and desires to grow. I've come to the conclusion that it cannot grow unless I choose to let it.



It is no wonder the word I chose to focus on this year is CHOOSE. It seems like so many things in my life keep coming back to this seemly simple, yet very powerful word. Am I going to choose to focus on these thoughts that tare me down or am I going to focus my energies in believing in myself and sharing what goodness I have to offer the world? I think that can be a very scary proposition. We have a huge risk at getting hurt when we open ourselves up, but I believe when we finally surrender and give all of ourselves we get all of the love and goodness back. I am in the process of continually learning when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable beautiful things happen and we are blessed because of it.

So today I'm choosing to be vulnerable. To focusing on the good. To focusing on the light. To focusing on love and letting myself heal from the past.



I woke up this morning to the quiet. I never thought I would miss the sound of the crashing waves repeatedly against the shore as much as I do. They are the sounds of a healing soul. Of a woman determined to make right a wounded heart. They are the sounds of women coming together with commonality. Of women connecting and relationships forming. I fell in love with the sea, with the sound of the waves, but really what I fell in love with are the women and their strength and their light. Something amazing happens we come together with the same hopes and desires...we all come away feeling feed, full, and closer to whole than when we arrived.

xoxo,
amy gretchen