her comfort

around here most things change, but some still stay the same.



Her kitty, her comfort as I use to call it, is now gray and ragged, no longer fluffy pink as it once was. It's felt a lot of love from the arms of this little one.

I took this photo above a couple weekends ago and didn't realize how similar it was to the photo I took of her on her 3rd birthday until I uploaded it. She was taking a nap and I needed to wake her up, we were heading somewhere too unimportant to remember. I didn't want to disturb her, not only because she looked so peaceful, but you know how it is to wake a sleeping child. So i sat on her floor, my studio now, and watched her for what seemed like a good while--her deep breaths the only sound, the heat of the room dampening her hair, her slight turned down frown.

It was hard to imagine then as I watched that I would one day be where I am, where we are. A gray ragged kitty, a little girl trying to be a big girl making a life for herself out in the world.

Perhaps I should have had one or two more children to put distance between now and then so the weight of growing out of stages could fall on a different time, but if I'm being completely honest with myself it's not more children I want, it's more time. The time comes, as it always does, when you want the days to slow down and the moment to stay a little longer. When you'd give anything to carrying them around the house like you use to. When all you want is to hear them come to the side of your bed and wake you from your slumber just to be with you.

It happened last night. It hadn't happened in so long, a night time visit that she sacred me to death--I wasn't expecting her. As she worked up a good cry about how she couldn't be in her bed and her sisters wouldn't let her in theirs, I knew I was needed. So I walked her to her room as I'd done so many times before, laid with her til her breathing got deeper and slowed down considerably, and then with a kiss on the head, I slipped out as if I'd never been there.

Time is a funny thing. It doesn't really wait until we're ready or ask if we want to move on it just goes--constantly. All we can really do is go with it and hope what they remember aren't the times we weren't at our best and got impatient with them, but the moments together where we laid with them, held them, comforted them like an old gray ragged kitty that they've always been able to count on.

the difference four years make

[1 June 2006]

I remember this day like it was yesterday. It was June 1st, the last day of Kindergarten for Bella. She was 6 years old and excited for the summer to begin, though sad to be leaving her teacher behind. Tess had been 4 years old for only 4 days and Megan was a couple months shy of 2.

Life was really intense then. Always a kid under foot, always someone who needed me. I remember being exhausted and tired (it's amazing what you can get done when your tired). I remember the times when I cried and I thought I wouldn't be able to do it another day. I remember wondering if I would ever feel whole again, but at the end of the day I loved it because I loved them and I would do anything.



Today, four years later, I feel like not much has changed and yet everything has. Megan is ending her kindergarten year getting ready to be like her sisters and go to school all day. Tess is only a few hours away from turning 8 and getting baptized. Bella is 10 years old and saying goodbye to her 4th grade year.

It's crazy to see the time fly, to look at these two pictures and compare where we were and where we are. Though life definitely isn't as intense as it once was, it's still just as busy with school projects, volunteer work, and after school activities. I don't have someone pulling at my pants or climbing up on my lap, but I am just as needed. There are days that I miss when they were younger and all home, days that I mourn the passing of time, but I know there is nothing more I can do about those days so I remind myself to be here in the now. Soak up and love where we are so I can appreciate it once it's gone. And I am...loving where we are.

My girls are independent, yet they still need Adam and I. They listen to us, yet they have there own strong opinions. They like time with friends, but not more than time with family. They still have an early bed time and wake up at the crack of dawn. They can easily put themselves to bed, yet they still love and want me to come see them before they drift off to sleep.

I love to see them become more of their own person, but I love that they still need Adam and I. I'm hoping even when they get older, when other things become more important that they will still need us in one way or the other because I know one thing for sure...I will still need them.

time change messin' with their internal clock

Monday morning I was up early, 5:30, when I heard feet making their way to the kitchen. I had to look at the clock again to make sure I was seeing it correctly...yep, 5:30am.

It hadn't occurred to me before then that Bella has an internal alarm clock where her body just naturally gets up at 6:30am. Yes, it has been like this from the time she was an infant and it seems each of my girls, aside from Megan, believe the day starts at 6:30am. For years it drove me crazy, all I wanted to do was sleep in after a long night with a baby, but once I embraced this little quark we slowly started to teach her/them ways to occupy themselves before waking us up.

Now of course that they're in school, I don't mind the early wake up. In fact, I can imagine it's much easier than having to fight someone each morning to get out of bed (the irony of this is I know once their teenagers this will change). It's actually kind of nice because we end up getting a lot done in the morning and I do love feeling like we've spent some time together before they're off to school all day.

Back to 5:30am Monday morning....I felt bad due to the recent time change their bodies thought it was actually 6:30am. I tried to encourage them to go back to sleep, but they weren't having it. Crazy! Kids don't know how good they have it sometimes.


[adam trying to wake meg & she was not having it]

So the early wake ups have been taking there toll all week. By the time 7:30-8pm comes around they have no problem drifting into dreamland...they seem wasted at the end of the day. I even found Megan sneaking off trying to take a nap at 5pm (cracked me up that she was trying to hid it from me knowing I wouldn't let her get away with it) and I completely understand, this time changing business is rough on your system. Even I have been affected and have gone to bed early all week (i actually love that). I think the worst is over and things have settled down a bit. If I remember correctly yesterday was closer to 6:30am and Megan wasn't sneaking off to take a nap. Who said normal wasn't beautiful? It's good to be back.