One of the things that filled up my head space was navigating through being the mother of a teenage daughter. I knew this day would come, I had feared it in a way, not really knowing what to expect. I have been pleasantly surprised, thus far, with the ease of this transition. I have loved the ability to have serious conversations with her, you know the kind where they can actually participate with their own thoughts and ideas? Ya that. We are communicating and I have been forever grateful of what has come up, the depth to which we have been able to talk. I trust her, she trusts me, and although we don't always sees eye to eye and I know sometimes I drive her crazy when I remind her of her commitments (e.g. violin or school -- trust me I've had the eye roll plenty of times), there has always been an open dialog where we can talk honestly. (Yes I know this is likely to change as she grows and needs different things from me, but for now I am grateful for where we are at.)
She knows I will always been there, at least I hope she knows, but there is always room for improvement. I need to be a better listener. You know when you talk to a man (most men) and all they want to do is fix the problem when all you want them to do is listen? I think too often my first reaction is to answer like a man or maybe I should be fair to men and say answer like a mother and I give my opinion too decidedly. As the words are spewing from my mouth it occurs to me that she never really asked for my advise per say, she's just bouncing off ideas. She just needs to talk and needs me to listen.
Sometimes I worry. I don't want her to make mistakes or fumble. I want her to be able to learn from my experience, you know give her a leg up, save her from pain, but this is her life and her experience and the only way for her to grow is to go through it in her own way and on her own path. I need to trust that she's got it under control. And I do. I need to not be so quick to jump in and allow her come to her own conclusions. Unless of course she needs me and then I'm all in.
I'm all in.
It's quite a delicate balance, I have decided, this mothering gig, to do right by your child and be for them what they need, when they need, and how they need. I'm trying not to get to overwhelmed as I type that. It's a learning experience for me too, isn't it? Even when I think I've got this one figured out I've got two more girls months/years from getting all teenagery (let's be honest, if they haven't already) and I know my experience with them will be vastly different then the one I'm having now. My girls are all so different and they'll need different things from me. In fact, I will be maneuvering through these unclear waters for quite some time. Who am I kidding, I will always be learning how to be their mother as the years progress and my girls life circumstances change.
Life is great that way, isn't it? Always giving us opportunities from growth. :)
