That was this morning after I got my kids off to school and the thought of getting out of bed was just a bit too much for me. With Megan watching her show I got back in bed and continued where I'd left off yesterday in the book while at Bella's eye doctor appointment. I'm loving History of Love and would recommend it to anyone, even though I'm only on page 20 or so. I'm thoroughly enjoying the writing and the character, I feel he is someone I would like to know, and then I realize I'm surrounded by that generation and wonder what interesting lives my neighbors would have to share if only I befriended them. Perhaps I could know someone like him.
I told Adam to read the first page last night while I was making a fabulous fall dinner, homemade chicken noodle soup. He liked it so much I fear him taking if from me like he did to Lori so many years ago, he stole her book and by the time she got it back she had moved on to other things and never picked it up again, and yet, I would let him and understand if somehow the book went missing.
I am rambling. I know. Honestly, I don't think I have a point. Just letting my mind wander and let it go where it will. Perhaps not the best thing for a blog entry, but then again, it is my blog entry...can't I ramble without a point? And yet, I know I can. And I will. I contemplate whether or not to turn off my comments because really what is there to comment about? But I won't. What if there is someone that wants to say hi for the first time or others that actually enjoy where this post is going. Ha, unlikely. So my curiosity will keep it up for good or bad.
Somewhere in the first 20 pages he, Leo, declares a random victory over anger (yes I'm back on History of Love). Instantly I felt connected to him. I admire anyone who realizes what needs to be changed or dealt with in their life and just does it. It is a process, a long process, but it can be done. I know there are people out there that think my RDV's (Random Declaration of Victory) are in fact not victories at all because I haven't gotten over them. For instance death. My death issues that have plagued my life since the time I was 16. I knew it couldn't go on, knew I was living a half life allowing that fear to exist, so I let it go. This was a big deal for me and a very hard thing to say goodbye to, as weird as it sounds, it sort of comforted me in a way. It allowed me to live a half life and sometimes that is desirable when you think your full efforts won't be good enough. I believe sometimes we hold onto things to make life easier, not because we can't let it go. Anything is possible with the Lord's help. I know. So I can read and watch and even talk about death and know it is a part of life. Wasn't it said once that death is our destiny? I think so because I remember being really freaked out by it. So even though I claim victorious and have started to live fully without the fear of it, I do fear, and I think this is where I am misunderstood. I don't fear death itself, I fear experiencing it again. It is a pain I never want to have to got through again as it rocked my soul to it's very core and felt a way I didn't know you could feel. Even with all that I know about the after life and being with our loved ones forever, you still miss. It still changes your life. And I know it will touch my life again at some point, I know it will hurt and suck, and I know life will continue on the way it does, except for me, I will be changed again. And I'm ok with that because it's my journey and to me that is victorious.
Wow, ok that I was not expecting, which I kind of like. It's therapeutic in a way to just let your mind go. I think I have reached my limit, or maybe it's just that I want to spare you, I sense I could go on for hours. I seem to be in a writing mood this morning. An exploration of self mood. Plus, Megan is now entertaining me with a cup of almost gone water and a straw...the noise is not recommended.
I am really liking today. It's a good happy reflective fall day.
enjoy,
amy
18 comments:
Well, I'm certainly glad you didn't turn off your comments. I actually sent you an email a few months back, but it probably was put in junk so you didn't receive it. I visit your blog daily and find it very revealing. I was first drawn because of your awesome photos, but when I read your "100 things about yourself" the one where you talk about death really got me. I, like you, lost a sibling when I was younger and have had issues with death ever since. As I have gotten older I have come to realize that that deep pain, unlike any other I have ever felt before, rules my life. My husband doesn't quite understand, although he valiently tries. What you said today was so true, it is not so much the fear of death itself, but the fear of the pain death brings. That fear rules me - sometimes more than others. I would love to know how you let it go. How you started living a fuller life. I don't know that this is something to discuss through the blog or through email. You can reach me at kmegz@hotmail.com.
Thanks for todays entry. Random as you may think it is, I needed it.
awesome. i'm glad to have read this today, amy.
megan I don't recall whether or not I got your email a while ago, but expect an email from me.
I'm glad you 'rambled' as well. I have been struggling with death issues since my best friend died last year. She was 34 - she had cancer. I found your blog through Ali Edwards - who has been an incredible source of strength for me - and it seems so fitting that her blog led me to you. Interestingly enough - my best friend's name is/was Amy. I don't know what it's like to lose a sibling but in losing my best friend I have found myself so often feeling weepy, lost and confused. I literally know what 'heartache' is now - sometimes my chest actually, physically aches when I think of Amy. She should be celebrating her 36th birthday one week from today - she had a daughter who was 5 when her Mom died. As silly as it sounds I just can't grasp the finality of her death. I still expect to get e-mail or phone calls. I wrack my brain and try to remember every little detail, every conversation, every little moment. It's hard to lose your best friend because she was the one who always helped me make sense of things, who cried with me, who picked me up when I was low - who always found a way to make me laugh. I have a great family but the void is something they just can't fill. Sometimes I feel like a kid in Kindergarten trying to make new friends but at the same time I just want Amy back.
Sorry if this has gotten a little weird - I really do appreciate you sharing - you don't know how comforting it is to know that you're not alone.
Thanks so much,
Alexandra
This is interesting, Amy. The only real experience I have with death is when Jessie's full-term baby was still-born. I grieved for Jessie, for Timm, for the niece I wouldn't get to know for a long time, but still... I'm sure it would have been even harder to handle if I had known little Lola for years.
I also admire anyone who is able to make a big change in him/herself. So very hard to do.
Maybe you can find a way to feel stronger because of this experience -- strong enough to know that if (when) you have to face another death, you'll know you can come through, because you've already done it.
p.s. I loved History of Love!
History of Love is in my top few of all-time faves.
I didn't realize you spent nights alone during the week. Am I reading that wrong?
Thanks for your thoughts today.
wow...I wish I could say something profound, but the truth of the matter is that your thoughts...have led some sweet girls come forth and share with you their experiences...and that is something incredible. This indeed was inspirational and thought provoking. Thank you for sharing
I agree with Claudia -- this was a powerful post, Amy.
And, History of Love is one of my very favorite books. When I finished, I wanted to read it again immediately.
rebecca Adam and I are usually always together at night, but this week was super crazy and I had something every night. I'm hoping next week won't be as full.
My brother is on his "death bed" and I am trying to recognize death as a part of life. His Hospice nurse gave me a booklet with a quote that really helped. You have inspired me to blog about it. Everyone has to deal with death.
I love this book! I was sad when it was suddenly finished.
Death is a tricky one. So is fear. As is anger. When we are stuck in that loop of emotions, it is really hard to live life to the fullest. What a great accomplishment to be able to see yourself through something that is hard and recognize it for just that. A hard thing that you are stronger because of.
Hi Amy -
I have been away for almost three weeks, with little access to a computer. I have missed your blog and was happy to come back and read your wandering thoughts (happier still I have a couple of week's worth of posts yet to read!)
While away, I along with my brother and parents had to sit down and have "the talk" about what would happen if my father did not come out of his upcoming surgery. Although I am not afraid of my own death, I am very worried about my father's as is evidenced my my vague explanation above. We have had a conflicted relationship as I was growing up, but are now much more appreciative of the other yet I still find it difficult to open up and talk about how I really feel as his generation just doesn't do that kind of thing.
I still struggle to find a balance in my marriage and your stories of the love you share with Adam continually inspire me.
Your words are always a gift to me. Regardless of the path they take.
Thank you.
Nice to read your "ramblings" today. I felt the same as Michelle about History of Love. I wanted to start right back on page one after I finished it. The writing is so unique and the story fascinating, almost mystical somehow.
You are wise, I think, to face fears for a fuller life. You will go far, Amy, because you actively seek self-improvement. It is admirable.
amy- i found your blog through jill and this post really spoke to me. thank you for posting your thoughts- you have a lot of courage and it's beautiful to read your hope despite the fear. while i haven't had an experience like yours, reading this has given me some insight into what my mom is going through after losing her mom and sister in the past couple of years. i hope that pain that profound has a purpose- like a refiner's fire- to make us stronger. otherwise, it seems so cruel to have to experience it. you seem to have found a way to make it purposeful and to find strength through remembering, with less and less fear.
by the way, your photography is stunning- i love the pictures you take!
even in your "ramblings" you have a way with words and a way of inspiring.
i'll have to pick that book up one of these days. i need to have a reading vacation...no kids, no chores, just a comfortable couch and bed and my stack of books.
I love how many people came out of the wood work from this post! Esp after all we talked about last week- it's just cool. I admire you for facing so many fears head on this past year- it shows in your writing and just in your presence. I love it.
My thoughts after looking over your photos,your spt in studio or "create room", your recent posts...
Hi Amy!
I love you!
I think i want your life.
Not to change my circumstances,
just to come from that place that comes in you. That sounds weird... It's just that you do, and you do well what you do & I am very envious yet grateful to know you & to have known you from blog beginning. I feel that i and some of those i know can learn some important things from you. You have a way of expressing, with your: self, words, life. That is what i love! And i love what you know. That you share you. Thank you.
A little emotional after having time to think. The post & comments struck a chord in me. My grandmother was killed in a car accident when I was 17. I was the only & spoiled (with love) grandchild for 2 years, then came 4 almost at once. Yet, with plenty of love to go around, I can still feel the influence today of one of my greatest heroes. The void she left is irreplaceable; I feel it not just for myself but for my mother. (Every girl needs her mom whether she is 2 or 52). I think it's healthy to revisit & stir the emotions that dominated almost 20 years ago. To remember. To keep the influence of this special person in my life. May YOUR memories not be stripped away with time & may your reunion someday, bring all you don't know you have missed!
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