not in the plan

I'm going in for surgery this morning. Yeah, you read that right. Remember last fall when I talked about finding a lump on my neck? Well, after multiple doctors visits and a test I was told it was a "tumor", I like to think of it as a friendly growth, but regardless of the name I'm told it needs to come out.

You'd think with words like malignant being thrown around that my mind would be thinking about the results of the biopsy (admit initially as the doctor was laying the ground work that's precisely what I was thinking about), however, the last 7 days instead my focus has been on the actual surgery. You know when you see drug commercials on TV and the entire time as you watch the actors run around with smiles on their faces and in the background someone is reading down a list of crazy side effects? That exactly what it was like as the doctor, I know out of pure obligation to give me all the facts, told me all the possibilities as I sat in a daze, shocked. This was not the way I thought my doctor visit would go.

I guess where it's located right near or around my facial nerve there's a possibility of paralysis (worse case senario), but most likely it will just be temporary while I heal and I'll be back to normal in a matter a weeks. I was told the scar will look like I had a face lift and if they have to take more tissue than initially thought they may need to take fat from my abdomen to fill in the cavity so it looks normal. deep breath.

Despite all this you would not believe that I'm actually feeling quite peaceful about everything. Yes, I know quite a feat for the cancer-phobe that I am. Don't get me wrong, the minute I turned the corner of the doctors office it hit me, and I broke down. It's a good thing I was at the hospital or people would have been staring at my full-body sobbing. I still feel a bit scared, but ever since I got in my car and thought, It is what it is. Let's take care of this and move on, I've felt peaceful. This is the Amy I've always wanted to be. I need to attribute the calm and peace to the Spirit, and the prayers and support of my friends and family...thank you for helping keep me sane. It's encouraging to remember real and lasting growth is left over after our individual trials.

I'm leaving to the hospital feeling blessed to have so many looking out for me. It's very comforting walking into the unknown knowing I am not alone. Thank you. I leave peaceful.

I'll keep you posted.