silver lining

“You don't know which way a thing will come at you, but you need to welcome it with your whole heart which ever way it arrives.”
~ Joan Bauer

I'm a planner. I like to plan. I'm not suggesting that I don't like to be spontaneous, I do, I just have a harder time with the unexpected. You can imagine then how difficult and almost maddening it is to live in a world that is constantly throwing curve balls and derailing me from my original plan. You'd think by now with my 35+ years behind me I would be use to it, all the changes, but I'm not. Secretly I just wish everything would move according to plan.

But I know, and have embraced the fact that in this life that's never going to happen so I'm trying harder to make a conscious effort to take life as it comes. When I sit back and really look at each situation individually I realize how much more I would get out of a situation when I choose to see the good instead of focusing on the change.

Case in point. Airlines are among my biggest pet peeves. I admit, as of late I have had amazing luck, but there have been plenty of times when I have not. It's hard to try and find the silver lining when your vacation is waiting for you to arrive and you're stuck in Dallas (no offense to Dallas, but I was suppose to be in Spain and I was in TX), but I know it can be done. Perhaps it would give me a chance to meet someone new or find a new book or take some interesting photographs.

Motherhood is probably the best example of this. I can't count the amount of times my day has been derailed by a sick child or sleep that has been lost at the expense of mothering. Although these are not my favorite situations, I realize they have always offered me more time with my little one that I have always been grateful for.

It's definitely easier said than done to find the silver lining, like I said, it's hard for me to adjust. Normally my flight or fight kicks in and I do what needs to be done, but unfortunately there's usually a level of grumpiness that creeps in I wish wouldn't come. I am working on it day to day, and wouldn't you know, am getting lots of practice.

Life happens, plans change, and as you know often there's not a whole lot we can do to get back to where we started. Life has a way of twisting and turning and taking us to places we never intended to go, but I think that's exactly what needs to happen. I believe there is a way for each one of us, but the way we think is best may not be the way we need to go. What I'm trying to say is we really don't know what's all in store for us, we don't know all we need to learn and what our experiences will teach us so we should embrace everything, the ups and downs that come our way, and trust it as an opportunity to learn and grow.

It's too bad just because I know something doesn't mean it's easy to do. Perhaps one day, but for now, like I said, it's a good thing I'm getting lot of practice. :)

lessons from my first 1/2 marathon

taken with iphone

01. Running is--dare I say fun? Or at least that's what I would have said at mile 6. I'm not saying running is fun for running sake, but I understand now why people get addicting to races. The sound of deep breaths and many feet striking the pavement all around me made me feel like I was apart of something big.

02. Choose a race that is beautiful, terrain that you will simply be in awe of as you weave back and forth. I watched the sun rise over the red rocks as I made my way down Snow Canyon. It was stunning and relevant to where I was and what I was doing. All you have out there is your thoughts and found it helpful to have something beautiful to look to.

03. Running in the cold is ideal. I remember one of my friends posted on facebook how her favorite temperature to run in was the high 40s low 50s. I thought she was absolutely crazy, but now I understand. Saturday morning it was cold, about 32 degrees, but it was perfect for running long distance. I wasn't 2 miles in before I stripped down to only a t-shirt and gloves. On that note, I should have run with my arm warmers instead. The only thing that got cold from time to time was my wrists. Strange.

04. Run with a friend. I really loved knowing that I wasn't alone. We actually didn't even run it together, but knowing she was there, working toward the same goal, gave me strength and comfort.

05. If I regret one thing it would be that I wasn't able to run with my camera. There were just too many times I wish I could have captured certain moments throughout the race. I wonder when the time will come that we will be able to take pictures with our eyes without them fading?

06. Embrace imperfections. Undoubtedly something is going to happen that's not ideal. Body aches and pains you've never felt before, chaffing in odd places, uphills that were unexpected, wind working against you. Accept that it's apart of your experience and move on.

07. You may be what someone else needs. At one point for about 2-3 miles I noticed this guy in a green neon shirt running next to me. Finally I had found someone I could pace with, seemed everyone else was passing me up. Toward the end before I pull away from him I wondered who was pacing with whom? I love to imagine we were helping each other.

08. If you've trained you have no need to fear. I thought the night before I would have been a wreck with worry and anticipation. You would have been proud of me, I was calm and peaceful. I was ready.

09. Running is a mind game. If you tell yourself you can, you can. Trust me. If I can run 13.1 miles anyone can.

10. I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 A young man (guessing 18) ran passed me toward the beginning of the race with this scripture written in black ink across his back. I didn't really think about it again until mile 10.5 when everything started to fall apart. I think the term is, I hit my wall. For one, I couldn't breath because I got water down my trachea, never good, the wind kicked up, we started running uphill, I was hurting and becoming fully aware of my fatigue. Doubt crept in in a serious way and I started to lose focus. I wasn't sure I could continue on. It was then that my one song came on that always pumps me up and gives me energy and I immediately thought back to the shirt I had seen at the beginning of the race. I have no doubt that song coming on just then was a tender mercy from the Lord. I felt loved and understood and was given what I needed. When we do our part and do all we can, God gives us strength to continue on.

11. It feels amazing to see a goal through to the finish line. Although I have been afraid and intimidated by running a 1/2 marathon (do you realize how far that is??) I've always wanted to do it. It's been on my bucket list for years, remember how devastated I was two years ago when I injured my back and I wasn't able to run with Robyn? What an amazing feeling it was to cross the finish line, exhausted, knowing I had given everything I could. Did I say this already? I understand why racing is addicting.

12. Enjoy it. Toward the end when I really started struggling like I have already written about and the race stopped becoming "fun" I keep telling myself to enjoy it, particularly the end, because I may never do it again. This lesson seems to crept into my life more often than I care to admit. As we all know life is full of ups and down, but regardless of what we are facing this experience is meant to be enjoyed. I can't be sure if I will ever run another race, part of me wants to, part of me doesn't, but for now I am just grateful for what this experience taught me and that I enjoyed the whole of it.


Finished results:
distance: 13.1 miles
time: 1:51:00.7
pace: 8:28/M

tender mercies

you know those days when you wake up and nothings quite right? where your surrounded by people, lovely people, yet the loneliness weighs heavy on your heart and the woman in the mirror staring back at you is unrecognizable? you know when all you want to do is crawl in a hole and wait for any semblance of you to resurface?

sadly it's been one of those days.



today as i dealt with these feelings i can say with a surety that God is mindful of us and knows what we need, when we need it. i was drawn, out of the blue, to this photo i took weeks ago. it was a sunday and we had just spent the afternoon/evening together and we were getting ready for bed when a spontaneous tickle fight broke out. i have always enjoyed standing on the periphery hearing the rough and tumble of laughs and pleas. it was one of those happy moments where you hope your children never forget, and yet it has become a moment with a message for me. not only did it sooth my ache, but it stands to remind me how much i love my family life. they are my happiness.

but my ache had already been softened when i rediscovered a thoughtful card a dear friend of mine gave to me weeks ago. she could never had known when she gave it to me what it would mean to me in days to come. i guess we never do know how much our thoughtfulness today will help each other in the future. what a blessing it is to have such people in our lives who know and love us. i am grateful.

the cloud is lifting.
it will all be ok.

xo

mindful

I started reading Crow Lake Sunday night and found myself grateful I had picked it up while I was alone--Adam was out of town--to devour the words. Mary Lawson, the author, captured so perfectly the moments you go through when someone you love passes away. The way your life slows down and you remember all the pieces of the moment & the moments leading up to it as if burned in your memory. I finally had to put the book down as I found myself reflecting with the author about my own experience and how they compared.


[iphone instagram app]

The day before my brother died, Sunday, I remember like it was yesterday, the way he stood up after church, gave my sister and I a hug at the same time and said, "i love you guys". I remember how we both randomly ended up at my cousins that evening. I didn't know he was going to be there and vice versa, it just happened that he showed up with friends and we were all hanging out. It doesn't seem that random, except it was, that had never happened before. I don't recall the specifics of what was said or even if we hung out that much, but I do remember being in my aunt's bedroom and he was there and I think maybe he was making fun of me about the boy I liked. There was some lively banter, though like I said, it is vague. Then I was at the door leaving, he was there too, I swear he was teasing, he said something to the boy, but the memory is faint, and then I left and that was the last time I saw him.

When I roll these images around in my head of those final moments I am disturbed by the large chunks of time left missing. I don't remember what happened after church to the time we saw each other at our cousins. I don't remember if we had dinner as a family or what we talked about, I hope we did, but I don't know, that time is blurry--and so is our goodbye. I think maybe if I spoke with some of the people there that night I may be able to piece it all together, get a better picture, in fact I'm almost sure I could, but it bugs me that some moments are held tight while others drift away.

I never really made a connection until I was reading Sunday and it got me thinking about my final goodbye with my brother that goodbyes are not something I take lightly anymore. Death changes you. It just does. If you've been through it, you know exactly what I mean and while we all mourn differently and at our own pace, at the other end we come out of it completely different--changed. It's impossible not to, tragedy does not leave one unscathed. And in this one thing, parting, I am completely different than I once was. Goodbyes hold a lot more meaning to me now, and I know this is going to sound completely insane and morbid, but you never do know when it will be your last. In all our years of marriage there have only been a few times where I've let Adam leave on bad terms and let me just tell you, I can't go a few hours without calling and making things right with him. Mostly I end up at the last minute, just in the nick of time, running down the stairs and seeing him get into his car, me waving from the door and telling him I love him--you just never know.

And it's not so much the saying goodbye as much as it's remembering that moment. When the girls leave for school I love them up, send them on their way, and watch them disappear up the hill. It's not really something I do consciously, I'm not standing there wondering if it's the last time I will see them, but deep down I think I'm trying to burn the memory of that moment into my brain. And not even in the case of death, more so, I do it so that I'm present right then and I'll have it to recall on later. I guess you could say remembering has become vitally important to me and don't doubt it has something to do with why I document my life. I don't want to forget where we are or where we've come from.

I guess you could say my experience with death taught me that I want to live a mindful life. I'd like to say that I'm awesome at living mindfully, that I've been living that way since that fateful day in 1992, and even though I don't think I do such a bad job of it, it's still something that I'm continually perusing and working towards. I want to be present in the moment, to be aware of who's around me and what they need, to be mindful of the time given, to be grateful for what I have when I have it now--not when it's gone.

I wish that was a lesson I could have learned another way, but I am grateful, today, that I learned it nevertheless.

xxox

her widsom

A kinder gentler soul I could not meet and while she's so good and compassionate and loving to others, she is not very good to her. What I mean is, she doesn't see herself in the light that she sees everyone else. Watching her it hurts my heart because I know this is something she has inherited from me. I understand that feeling of seeing in everyone else all the good, but find it extremely difficult to look inwardly and see the same.



I found her one snowy afternoon during our Christmas break painting with her new paints. I watched her there for a minute, it made me so happy to see her deep in an art project, before I let her know I was there. Upon approaching her I caught sight of what she was working on--words, a reminder, and this is what it said,

art is the perfect talent for me! (don't forget)

My eyes swelled with tears and I almost lost it then, when i read her words, wondering if she knew just how powerful those affirmative words are. Sometimes our hearts lead us in places we don't feel adequate. We fall in love with something we don't do well or if at all. Tess loves art, but has often said she "doesn't feel good at it". Sound familiar? It does to me. It's hard to want to try when things don't come easy. Failure is a hard pill to swallow, but like J.K. Rowling said,

"it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all--in which case, you fail by default."

Our travels may come with failures and set backs, we may not be good at what we try first time, but at least that means we're living and inevitably those experiences will help us for the next time--for the next place our hearts lead us.

Tess not only are you an amazing artist, but you are insightful beyond your years. Thank you for reminding me that I am the only thing holding me back and how powerful my words can be at propelling me forward. Your truth is now my truth--art is the perfect talent for me! don't forget.


Have a great weekend.
xo

transition

I've been pondering, for over a month now, about what word to focus on for the year. Constantly on the lookout for what I want this year to be about, taking my time hoping it will just jump out at me like it has in the past, but suffice it to say, it has alluded me and I haven't been able to nail it down. In fact I feel so far away that I don't even have a working list of words I'm picking from. I am empty.

I guess you could say I'm quite attached to my word CHOOSE. I never thought it would be as powerful as it has been for me. This past year has giving me a better understanding at just how in control I am of my life and that I have the power to do with it what I will. Regardless if I see life positive or negative it is my choosing, mine to design, and I only have me to blame.

"Life offers you two precious gifts—one is time, the other freedom of choice, the freedom to buy with your time what you will...yours is the freedom to choose ....Every day, every hour, every minute of your span of mortal years must sometime be accounted for. And it is in this life that you walk by faith and prove yourself able to choose good over evil, right over wrong,enduring happiness over mere amusement. And your eternal reward will be according to your choosing." -Elder Richard L. Evans quoted by Elder D. Todd Christopherson

And so I sit hesitant, grateful for the insight "choose" has brought to me this year, grateful for what it has begun to help me see and change within myself, but know this hesitation is one I deal with every year. Each January I feel this longing to keep my word. I know this sounds silly or maybe a little idiotic to those of you who don't pick words, make resolutions, or have a focus, but to me it's an important transition. I can honestly say that each year, each word has giving me something that I have needed. DO and LIVE got my moving again. GIVE helped me move outside of myself. And CHOOSE, well, choose showed me gifts I've had and helped me to see life's possibilities. You see, I've felt attached to each word for different reasons and honestly, when it comes down to it, have never really been ready to move on. I'm realizing now, what a wise friend once told me, that we don't necessarily need to move on from our word, we can build upon it and take it with us.

yes. exactly.

So while I'm giving myself permission to take my time and let my word come to me when I'm ready, I'm also giving myself permission to move on.



I know, I do seem to think about things too much and make life more complicated than it needs to be. I get on my own nerves and apologize if I'm doing the same to you. But I write about it because when I do I often find the answers I was looking for. When I started this post I had decided to keep choose (for a while anyway) and now feel that I can easily move past it--that I should. Perhaps I should look for antonyms to the word complicated and go with one of those...perhaps simplify.

hmmm...maybe.

xo

Dare

I started reading The Artist's Way this week and when the author said, referring to the assigned weekly tasks, "in choosing which half of the tasks to do, use the guidelines, pick those that appeal to you and those you strongly resist....remember, in choosing, that we often resist what we most need.", I laughed out loud and knew I had been given the right book to read. I resist. That's what I do. I resist.

For instance, when I'm offered a list of items to complete, let's say my own to do list, I will always start with the things I find easiest, the things I want to do, not necessarily the priorities. I resist doing the things that aren't as enjoyable and push them aside until I can't stand seeing them in red anymore and either change the date, yes I do that, or finally get them done.

Do you resist?
Why do we resist?

I think it's simple. The things in our life that are the most meaningful are usually the hardest for us to do. We need them, but it's hard so instead of facing it head on we overlook it and hope by ignoring it, it will eventually go away. When really if we would accept the challenge and let it change us we would be better for it. I know this to be true, however, knowing doesn't make it any easier.

If we have two doors place before us and door 1 is presented as something we've done before, something we've already proven and we know how to do, and behind door 2 is something new, intimidating, work, and perhaps uncomfortable...which door would you choose? I'd like to think I'd choose door 2, but most the time, if I'm completely honest, I'd choose 1. I'd go for what I already know because let's face it, it's easy and simply put, comfortable.

My friend Hannah shared on her wall this week, "the person who doesn't make mistakes is unlikely to make anything."

That really hit home with me. A glaring reminder that mistakes are not the problem. The not doing and not trying...that's the problem. No mistakes means there's no creating and no progress. Relationships, art, sports, daily living, you name it...get messy. They all at some point reach a stage where you either stay stagnant or get messy and move forward. Without the mistake how would we ever know what we're capable of?

We have to choose between being comfortable and being uncomfortable. One of the reasons I chose to focus on "choose" this year is to remind myself that my life is under my control. If I'm not progressing it's because I'm walking away from an opportunity. I'm resisting the very thing I need the most.



I have dreams, ideals that I have not yet reach, but I believe dreaming is the easy part...making your dreams come true is the real challenge. I think that's what they mean when they say, dare to dream. Are we willing, do we dare, to do what it takes to make them come true?

It's been far too long that I've resisted my "creative" inner voice. Honestly I can't be sure exactly what it's telling me. I know what direction I'd like to go, design, but I'm letting my lack of knowledge and confidence in this area stop me from moving forward. I'm resisting because I just don't know.

So I'm looking forward, admittedly with a little trepidation, of making my way through the Artist's Way. It's an intense 12 week course that the authors says, "will make you excited, depressed, angry, afraid, joyous, hopeful, and, ultimately, more free." Does that statement scare me? Yes, yes it does, but it scares me more not to try and become the woman I want to be.

xoxo,
amy

small black book

Last night I had the privilege of listening to Emily Freeman speak, the author of 21 Days Closer to Christ. She spoke about many things that touched my heart, in fact, I frantically took notes while silently giving a prayer of thanks that I was there soaking up her goodness.

She made me really think and evaluate the way I pray and the way I study the scriptures. She reaffirmed my desire to focus on the important things in life and gave me another push to continue to seek for experiences to change my day, to focus on relationships, and to search for my purpose and what it is I have to offer the world.



But the one thing that stood out to me more than any other was to remember the special moments in my life. I think I do a pretty good job of this actually, but she made me think of it in a different way. The reason why we need to not only remember, but to document the special moments/spiritual experiences is so when the hard days come, when frustration and sadness rear it's ugly head, when all we want to do is curl up and hide from the world we can look back at our special moments and remember we are not alone. Remember we are loved. Remember who we are. Remembering is what will give us the push to get on our knees and ask for the strength we need to move forward. "A prayer for strength never goes unanswered." -emily freeman

I heard a talk a couple years ago that spoke on a very similar topic of writing our experiences down and I recall it's what pushed me to look at my photography differently. It's then I started focusing on documenting my everyday life. While I love this tremendously and feel like I have folders and folders of captured memories, I realize there are still so many moments that need to be documented that can't be captured in a photograph.

Today I'm devoting my afternoon to making a small book I can carry around with me so I can write down my special moments wherever and whenever they happen. So I'll never have to wonder and I'll always know God knows and is aware of me.

xoxo,
amy


--do you have a book for your special moments?

magical summers

Today as we sat at home for the third day in a row with another sicky (Tess this time) I found myself thinking fondly about my summers as a child. They were magical. I know it sounds cliche, but they were...magical.


[Star Valley, WY | 1980]

I remember boating on the weekend and trips to Lake Powell where my dad taught me to water ski.
I remember going to Star Valley, WY to my aunt & uncle's cabin to swim and ride horses.
I remember running out my door in the early morning hours to my friends house hoping one of them would be able to play.
I remember night games, kick the can, sardines, etc. until the sun went down and my mom called us in for the night.
I remember drive ins and fireworks.
I remember tan lines and popsicles.
I remember my dad playing catch with my brothers in the back and BBQs with family friends.
I remember long days outside playing house in our tree house.
I remember my friends and I asking our moms to let us have a sleepover.
I remember riding bikes around the neighborhood and getting Slurpees and garbage pail kid cards at the 7/11 up the street.
I remember the house being so hot at night that I would lay in the hallway to get the cool air coming off the swamp cooler.
I remember tomatoes and squash fresh from the garden.

It's crazy for me to think I'm now on the other end of these memories. When you're a kid it's so weird to think you'll be anything but. Of course time races on and those memories fade into the background until you have your own children and then once again you're reminded as you watch and help them create their own memories just how magical it really was.

I hope they are feeling the magic too.

randoms...my head is full of them

**Bella's been away at a camp since Monday, probably enjoying herself immensely while the rest of use are at home missing her. It's crazy how much one person adds to a family. We were eating dinner Monday night and it felt empty. The four of us seemed so small and yet with Bella we feel complete.

**I want these (I'm so drawn to the squares) or something like it for my kitchen. I know just the place. And since I'm not willing to shell out $260 for them, I'm determined to find them second hand...somewhere.

**I think there's a skunk that has taken up residence in my yard. No, seriously. I haven't seen it, but I keep smelling it randomly throughout the day (which is not good for anyone). Sometimes it's in the front, sometimes the back. It's driving me crazy because I can't have my windows open in the morning or my whole house smells skunky. What should I do? Would Animal Control come trap it?

**I have been sleeping horrible this week and I can't figure out why. I get to sleep great, it's just I can't stay that way. So I've been walking around like a zombie around 3 o'clock in the afternoon wondering when I can get back in bed. Drives me crazy.

**Speaking of being tired, I have backed off some, ok a lot, on my p90x. I'm still doing it, but I do miss things (like whole days) here and there. I did do 30 push ups Tuesday morning so I must be doing something right.

**I finally decided to get rid of our home phone and buy a prepaid phone to leave at the house for emergencies and what not. I've thought about it for a long time, but kept dragging my feet. It just makes sense, plus, between that and cutting my cable service in half we'll save like $90 a month. Stoked.

**Last Sunday we had church outside at This Is the Place Heritage Park (more to come), and we gave a ride to our handicap neighbor. He is a funny 55 year old man who's all about business. He doesn't like to be late, in fact if it were up to him he would be hours early and he won't give me the time of day when I say hi to him at the grocery store (he's a bagger there). Anyway, he seems to understand a lot, but he doesn't speak really well. You have to really listen to understand him. When we pulled up to the park Tess said, "this place, I hate this place." (honestly I have no idea where this is coming from. The only other time we've been was last year for church so maybe she's just thinking it's going to be hot, I don't know). After she said it, Richard, who's in the front said in a, I can't believe you just said that sort of way, "dude". Adam and I couldn't contain ourselves. It was just too perfect his disgust. She kept her mouth shut after that.

**Remember this project. I've yet to finish it (ugh I hate that), but have recommitted myself to getting it done and starting 2010. Now that I'll have more time this fall I have no excuses...not that I did before.

my future

I think it hits you in the moment, when you're doing it, and you think, this is it...this is my future.



At least that's what if felt like to me this morning, early, as I sat in a meeting discussing layouts, typography, and photos for the new LDS Strength of Youth pamphlet.

When my friend called to ask if I would come and give my "artist" opinion on the this new project, I laughed. At some point in our friendship I gave her the impression that I'm the artistic type, and for whatever reason she asked me when there's a plethora of trained artist/designers out there. I won't deny that I'm flattered, but it's a very intimating situation to be in when you feel completely unqualified to be there. This is not the first time I've been asked on a similar assignment, but it never does get any easier, especially when you feel like you're a poser.

When the meeting got underway the first thing I did was look at the work that had already been completed and the ideas they were working on. Then all eyes were on us (there was an interior designer there as well), a pause, and then I went for it. The words started flowing out of me like I knew what I was doing. I surprised myself, I really do know something about design, my friend wasn't crazy to ask me. I'm not schooled or trained (I have taken a couple online class though), but I know the satisfying feeling you get, deep down, when something looks right.

And it was then, in that moment, when I knew, without a doubt, design is what I want to do.

I love it, I love it, I love it. I cannot begin to describe how energizing it was to talk about design and bounce around options. I surprised myself with my ideas, with what I saw, with the changes I would make and to hear that they liked them too.

I don't know why this was such a revelation to me. I've always loved design and mentioned years ago, on my blog even, that I wanted to go back to school and get a BA in Graphic Design, but today was the first time I realized this isn't something I love as a hobby...it's something I love as part of who I am. I feel like I need it and for the first time in a while I no longer feel like I'm standing at the fork in the road. I'm moving.

My mind is swirling today at the possibilities for my time this fall. I know what to do and man does it feel good...it feels right.

goodness

"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight" -ee cummings

My friend Jenica wrote this quote on my wall today and it was so needed. I don't know why at times I'm insecure and struggle with feelings of self doubt. I thought I had made great strides to fight these feelings, but the last 3 weeks or so they've come at me from several directions and all hit me at once yesterday. It's a very heavy lonely place to be.

****

Thank goodness for a new day. A new perspective. I woke up full of gratitude today because deep down I know when I clear away the worthless debris blocking my way I have nothing but goodness in my life and should never ever be afraid to share who I am.

Man I wish I could bottle this feeling of confidence and positivity. It feels good to feel like myself again. phew.

here one day, gone the next

I wish I could sit down and write out to you what this experience truly meant to me. It's been such a spiritual emotional roller coaster. It's a weird feeling to spend so much time thinking, preparing, and anticipating for this one moment and then for it to be over in a flash.

When I sat down yesterday after speaking I thought I would feel a huge relief. Everything I had worked for had finally come to it's conclusion and I was expecting this unbelievable high...the feeling that it's over, I can finally move on. That feeling was not immediate like I had anticipated and it took me some time to understand why. This day has been a long time coming and didn't think I would be sad to see it end. Not that I have any desire to do it again, I don't believe speaking is my thing, but I know it was a learning experience I wouldn't have been able to get any other way. I'm so, so grateful for it and have this ping of sadness to see it gone. I can say that now that it's over.

Even with some of the insecurities I faced afterward, it was a wonderful day start to finish.


[I took several of us walking through campus to the Varsity Theater, but for some reason I really loved this out of focus one.]

I was able to spend the morning/afternoon with Adam up until it was time to present. If there's anyone you want to spend time with moments before, it's him. He has a very calming effect and it worked like magic. The only thing I wish we had had time for was to visit some of our old haunts on campus.



Can you believe I took a self portrait? I can't really when I think back on it. Jill told me I should, but I never thought I would have the guts. When I see the picture I'm so glad I did. I love looking at it now and remembering the comforting feeling I had looking out over the sea of people and seeing so many familiar faces. I can't tell you how grateful I am to each of you who came. It makes talking so much easier when you know those in the audience love and support you. Also thank you to everyone who sent me your thoughts throughout this whole process. When others believe in you it's so much easier to believe in yourself.

So now what? Preparing for Woman's Conference felt like a protective bubble and while it didn't protect me from the everyday responsibilities of my life, it protected me from myself, from my own grand ideas. There are so many things I want to do and accomplish. So many ideas rattling around in my head and sadly many of them stand by waiting for the perfect time to start. Woman's Conference gave me the best excuse, I don't have time for XYZ right now, but after I will have all the time in the world. Now that I'm faced with all the time in the world I'm feeling a bit intimidated. Ha. So much for taking my own advice...it really is the doing that the hardest part. Don't I know that better than anyone.

So my mind is getting ahead of me, as per usual. Luckily I don't feel the need to move away so quickly. I am savoring the moment and appreciating it for what it is...another life experience that is helping me become, me.

ramblings before bed

The tooth fairy is suppose to be visiting our house tonight, problem is the tooth fairy is tired and ready for sleep so she needs to find something to do to keep herself awake. Reading wasn't working so blogging it is.

I'm glad for a moment to blog. I've missed it...a lot. My time has been consumed with Woman's Conference (sorry to keep bringing it up, but it is my life right now and you probably will keep hearing about it until May 1st. Trust me I am praying for May 1st to come sooner than you are). The reading/pondering/searching have taken up every bit of my time and for good reason. I feel a huge responsibility to say something meaningful while being true to myself. I pray I don't disappoint.












[we each took a turn in the night to work on each others canvas.]

I was looking through these recent photos I took of the art/painting night I had with my friends last week. I guess you could say I'm trying to pin point exactly what it is I love about these moments in my life and why I'm drawn to them. There are many and for many different reasons. 1. I need a creative outlet. 2. I enjoy being with my friends. 3. I need me time. I think we all need that little break from the everyday life, if it's going out with friends or visiting a quiet bookstore to roam the isles, it helps us appreciate what we're leaving behind. Like now. Adam is in CA for the night and as I close up shop, put the girls to bed myself, and look into my empty room I think, it's nice to miss him.

Lately we, Adam and I, have been talking about confidence or the lack there of as the case may be. It really does baffle me how much I struggle with it. The night I was painting with my friends it all came crashing down (my confidence) and despite the fact that I had a great time I left feeling like painting just isn't my thing. And I'm ok with that if that were the issue, but it's not. My lack of confidence sadly goes far beyond a paint brush...if only. Adam and I discussed ways to gain confidence, but I still wonder if it's something learned or if it's just something you are born with. Food for thought. What do you think? I have to believe it's something that can be attained by all. At what lengths?...that is the better question.

I'm certain now my girls are all fast asleep so I will say goodnight and leave my ramblings for another day to do the work of the elusive tooth fairy.

birthday bullets

*I woke up on my birthday with Megan asking me what I wanted for breakfast because she wanted to make it for me. I thought that was the cutest offer and let her make my cereal. Had to come up with something she could do on her own.


*I had a stack of gifts, some of which I had been looking at all week long, waiting for me when I got up with a delightful handmade card from Adam. I actually resisted and didn't open them up right away...the kids had no idea how I was able to do it.


*My mom invited to take me out to lunch, but what I didn't know is what she had planned when I got there. I walked in the restaurant and found a chocolate cake, candles, and balloons. She knew I would be mortified, and I was, but it was so sweet of her I didn't even mind...as long as there was no singing.


*My other surprised happened when my dad, brother Chris, and Adam all walked in the restaurant to eat with us. I should have noticed there was 5 places settings, but I was so distracted by the other things it didn't even register.

*It was a snowy day...I kind of liked it.

*Adam and I went to dinner and to see Valentine's Day. It was what I expected so I handled it much better than he did. We actually ended up with another kidless night Friday so we hung out in Park City then came home and finished off my chocolate cake. So good.


*All our birthdays fall within a week of each other so we usually have a big party for the three of us. FYI I really wasn't going to blow the candles out it was just for show. So glad I didn't take Jared's route, I could have look decent in the photo. We were showered with gift and think we all got what we wanted...I know I did.


*Meg has a thing for Randy. Poor Randy. He had to sit and listen to her go on and on about who knows what. It's nice to get some Megan on someone else for a change.


You know who else I celebrate my birthday with? My mom. She was over tonight, I made her dinner. Poor mom she doesn't get a birthday this year (leap year). In the photo we're laughing about the sparkler candles, they never did sparkle. They worked more like trick candles. Happy Birthday Mom!

What more can I say, it was a great birthday and fun to have it extend into the weekend.

one year older and wiser too

Ok, so I wouldn't say I'm any wiser than I was a year ago, but I can definitely feel the aches from this past year teaching & changing me. I got a card from Jill in the mail this afternoon that said (hope you don't mind me sharing Jill), "I hope you will come into your own and feel more confident and comfortable with yourself as time goes on. I think that's what happens during a woman's 30's and it's a beautiful thing!" I know this to be so true. Each year I understand a little better who I am and am a little closer to where I want to be...too bad the road ahead seems to stretch further and further ahead of me. But then again, I'm beginning to realize we're not meant to catch up it's all about the experience.

Here's to another year of exploration, perhaps not as many bumps (aka scars) this time.

I am clean.

Despite the fact that I can't move my left eyebrow * my ear is still numb and the surrounding tissues * my left half of my face feels bruised to the touch like I hit it against the wall * there is still some pain and swelling * my left ear is 33% bigger than the right and I look crazy lopsided * I can't close my left eye completely * I still get dizzy * I'm not sleeping well * it hurts when I eat and I can't open my month completely *

Despite all that my spirits are lifted.
I am clean.
I can still smile.
I am benign.
I am loved.
And am grateful this experience has only robbed me of a little over a week of my life.

For me...photos from the past week. Here's to learning from this experience and never having to go through it again....If only it worked that way.


I took this on the way to the hospital. Adam had me laughing the whole way to the hospital...he really is the best at distractions.


Adam took this right when we got home from the hospital.


my mom had my girls for the first 3 days so on Tuesday they came to visit me bringing with them flowers and chocolate.


He knew I didn't want to be alone, I can't explain why, so he found ways to be with me. I woke up in one of my stupors and snapped this without looking.


Adam documenting the pharmacy & the half eaten chocolate wrappers.


1 week: stitches and greasy greasy hair


Monday i finally brought out my laptop and this is what my sanctuary looked like after school.


Adam documenting the kindnesses that came my way. Thank you. It meant so much to me. It's so healing to remember when you have nothing else, you have people who love you.


P.S i promise that is the last time you will see my surgery label. Have a good one!

a day at a time

Since you all know about my plant pit-stop (aren't we all grateful for Adam's updates and beautiful pictures), I don't have to explain that I was fed up with feeling nauseous and dizzy. When I got home from the hospital that day I said goodbye to my pharmacy and thought I would venture better on my own. I'm not sure if it was because I didn't have anything/anyone to distract me, but late at night while the house slept was the worst for me. I more than once cried myself to sleep because of the pain and mental exhaustion...it was hard waking up feeling the same day after day seeing no end in sight. Sadly, the dizzy feeling has stayed with me long after the narcotics have left my body and I'm trying to stay positive that this is only a temporary side effect.

Due to the dizziness I've been feeling, the plan of lounging in bed reading the day away has been far from my reality (when I read it feels like I'm moving and it makes me sick, it's weird, like motion sickness). Instead the many books I've reserved for such a time as this have sat on my bed side table collecting dust while I've spend my time watching TV. I quickly gobbled up all the good recorded stuff, which sadly wasn't a lot, and wished the Olympics had started 2 weeks earlier. There has been a lot of food network on, but for the most part I've felt too crappy to really care and ended up laying in bed just staring at the television and not really watching it anyway.

what i thought about while I haven't watched:
-Loving the bit of color in my room thanks to the beautiful flowers I've been given.
-Aside from the weekend, the sun has been out everyday.
-I want to try fennel.
-I want to have a garden.
-I wish I was spending the money for the surgery on a vacation with Adam.
-Will my left eyebrow ever move again?
-I feel this incredible nagging feeling about woman's conference, like I'm putting off doing something.
-Will I ever feel like myself again?
-Grateful to know, really know, I am loved.
-Adam has been incredibly sweet and understanding and helpful.
-I miss taking pictures. I actually have continued to take a photo a day, but a good portion has been reminding Adam to take them for me.
-I hate TV.
-If I see this Baskin-Robbins commericial one more time I'm going to scream.
-Chocolate & bananas are so good together.
-I'm completely going to miss Valentines at this rate and hope I will be around for my birthday.
-I'm loving the dove milk chocolate hearts.
-Romanticizing what it would be like to live like Pioneer woman in the wide open space.
-Wanting to simplify life.
....and on and on

Today while there really hasn't been much progress in the dizziness problem I am beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can't understand why except my doctors appointment is tomorrow to get my stitches out and I can finally take a shower. OH YEAH!!! Yes, I've had a couple refreshing sponge baths from Adam that have gotten me through the week, but I've been unable to wash my hair, and without trying to sick you out, it's a disgusting mess of grease.

Tomorrow I'm going to be a new woman, I just know it.

not in the plan

I'm going in for surgery this morning. Yeah, you read that right. Remember last fall when I talked about finding a lump on my neck? Well, after multiple doctors visits and a test I was told it was a "tumor", I like to think of it as a friendly growth, but regardless of the name I'm told it needs to come out.

You'd think with words like malignant being thrown around that my mind would be thinking about the results of the biopsy (admit initially as the doctor was laying the ground work that's precisely what I was thinking about), however, the last 7 days instead my focus has been on the actual surgery. You know when you see drug commercials on TV and the entire time as you watch the actors run around with smiles on their faces and in the background someone is reading down a list of crazy side effects? That exactly what it was like as the doctor, I know out of pure obligation to give me all the facts, told me all the possibilities as I sat in a daze, shocked. This was not the way I thought my doctor visit would go.

I guess where it's located right near or around my facial nerve there's a possibility of paralysis (worse case senario), but most likely it will just be temporary while I heal and I'll be back to normal in a matter a weeks. I was told the scar will look like I had a face lift and if they have to take more tissue than initially thought they may need to take fat from my abdomen to fill in the cavity so it looks normal. deep breath.

Despite all this you would not believe that I'm actually feeling quite peaceful about everything. Yes, I know quite a feat for the cancer-phobe that I am. Don't get me wrong, the minute I turned the corner of the doctors office it hit me, and I broke down. It's a good thing I was at the hospital or people would have been staring at my full-body sobbing. I still feel a bit scared, but ever since I got in my car and thought, It is what it is. Let's take care of this and move on, I've felt peaceful. This is the Amy I've always wanted to be. I need to attribute the calm and peace to the Spirit, and the prayers and support of my friends and family...thank you for helping keep me sane. It's encouraging to remember real and lasting growth is left over after our individual trials.

I'm leaving to the hospital feeling blessed to have so many looking out for me. It's very comforting walking into the unknown knowing I am not alone. Thank you. I leave peaceful.

I'll keep you posted.

presenter's meeting

Thursday night I had my Woman's Conference meeting for the presenters. I've been dreading it for a couple reasons 1)it means it really is real and going to happen and 2)now I've got to really start thinking about writing my message.

I thought the meeting was very inspirational. Julie B. Beck who spoke last night said, "the most important thing that happens is what we become while preparing." And "welcome the task that makes you go beyond yourself and you will grow." I left feeling confident that I could do this and that it will be a life changing experience for me.

Then President Samuelson (president of BYU) spoke and let's just say the pressure is on. He said,
-We were carefully selected from a pool of names to be presenters at this years woman's conference. It was not a decision that they took lightly.
-A lot of sisters come seeking answers to specific questions and have chosen your class for a reason...you will be there answers.
-If you create an environment so the Holy Ghost can teach, then you'll be successful.
-We are authorized to be a great blessing in the lives of those who attend.

Next Sandra Rogers talked about the Woman's Conference theme which is "Choose ye this day to serve the Lord". I should have known, but didn't know what this years theme was and couldn't believe that it was basically my word for the year. More than anything else I saw it as a tender mercy from God and knew I was inspired more than I had originally thought to pick "choose" as my word to focus on. She said,
-Our agency is so important that God was willing to loose 1/3 of his children for it.
-We need to actively seek after the Savior.
-Our choices are infinite.
-Christ exercised His agency to do the Father's will and by doing so He chose us.
-"Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself." -2Nephi 2:27
-Being proven is the Lord's grand test
-Help those attending feel a desire to come unto Christ by the choices they make.
-Each of us brings something to the Gospel that no one else can bring...we each have something to contribute.

When it was over I met the two other woman I'm presenting with. It was clear after reading their bios that the WC committee wanted to have a different perspective from women who were at different seasons of life. We talked about a few ideas, but agreed to take a few weeks to ponder about the topic and how we should split it up and meet again to discuss.

So I went from feeling inspired to a bit overwhelmed to inspired again. Like I said it was one of those events that helps you feel confident and full. I left feeling like there was a purpose for me and a reason for my being there. I'm so glad I attended (I'm surprised it wasn't mandatory).

************************************************************************************************************

I found out my class is Friday, April 30th from 2-3pm. When I told my friends I rode up with this info they said it was a hard time. I'm thinking, ya because I have to wait through both days before I present, but then I realized they meant because no one will be there. After confirming my suspicion she said, just don't take it personally. Duly noted. So if you want to be one of the few lucky woman in the room (you know you want to) and don't want to (or can't) go to any other sessions, I can get you a ticket for $8. Let me know by April 2nd and I can order if for you.