soft

I feel soft today. Not sad. Not sad at all just thoughtful, a little tender.

I think part of it I will blame on Meet Joe Black. After watching American Idol last night I looked at the clock and realized I still had some time ahead of me so I began to watch one of my favorite films, Meet Joe Black, that I noticed had previously recorded. Many many good lines in that film, not to mention just looking at Brad Pitt is delightful, but what stayed with me last night as I curled up into my bed was this quote given by Anthony Hopkins, You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived.

It's nothing I don't know or nothing I haven't heard of before, goodness my talk in church was pretty much all about that, but last night it made me think. It got me to stop and look at where I'm at 3 weeks into the new year and wonder, am I living?

I think I am for the most part, however, there are still bits of me that want to run and hide. Pieces that don't know how to deal with the unknown, with that which I fear. Is it not easier to throw your hands in the air and proclaim that you can't do it any more, that it can't be done, that you're not willing to try? You know it is, but then where would we be? Nowhere I guess. Nowhere.

Sigh.

I apologize for my random and yet all too familiar words. I think it must have something to do with my life cycle. As much as I would like to break it I believe it is with me to the end. And I guess that's a good thing because it keeps me moving, thinking, and hopefully helping me live.

mood

today i am in a really crappy mood. i don't know why and i really don't need an explanation, i just want to feel myself again.

it seems like it has been like this for a couple of days now. i can't deal with my life, and yet i have nothing to complain about. my life is great, no problems except the ones i create for myself.

doing the same stuff old day after day is getting to me. it's rare that i have time to for myself because there is always something more important to do, or so it seems. even this morning i had a walk planned with a friend. i really didn't want to go because it just takes time and truly i would rather be doing something else while Megan takes her morning nap than exercise. i did go and i am glad i did, forget about myself for a while, but i still feel blah.

i am better than this. it doesn't have to be this way. my husband always says "your head creates your world". boy is he right about that. if i could just change my attitude life would be so much more enjoyable.

in the end i think that is what i will regret most, creating problems where there aren't any instead of enjoying all the blessing that i have. i don't know how to change it, but i must get past it.