This week has been a strange one (always weird to come back from out of town) and somewhere I feel like I've missed a day, which in turn has got me feeling like I'm playing check up. Laundry's calling my name, so is my house, Bella and her violin need me, dinner, ironing (yes, I iron now), yw assignments, exercise, etc. All and all I have lots I need to do, but instead I find myself prioritizing things that aren't as important like playing with a new toy, working on my OR album, or reading.
I've decided I get this overwhelming feeling when I am not making good choices. I have the guilt real hard. What I mean is, I know what I should and shouldn't be spending my time on so if I don't make the right choice I'm very hard on myself (I believe this is my reason for feeling like I'm going in circles this week). Really I'm fighting, fighting my strong nature to be selfish. I so hate this part of me and I try hard to push it deep down, but there are times when I just get frustrated and I don't care anymore and let the selfish side take over, do what I want to do, for me, and let everything else go. It is a vicious cycle, I know, and I wish I were better at not giving up when I feel that way, but sometimes, honestly, I just don't want to do one more thing.
Sigh.
It's hard to watch myself make progress and then fall two steps back. I keep waiting for it to get a little bit easier each day to make the right choice and each and everyday I still am faced with the same battle. I guess somethings just come easier than others, but it's hard to sit here wishing it was a different battle that I faced. Don't we all, right?
So today I am grateful for strengths and the little bit that I did do for those in my life I cherish. Here's to tomorrow. Starting fresh. To committing myself to doing what I should have done today, this week. In fact forget about starting tomorrow, how about now. I'll start now. You know I have found when I write down how I'm feeling, it all begins to make sense and I understand my frustration and always walk away refreshed and ready to tackle anything. Love that about blogging.
one more halloween photo to share from trick or treat last night.
Randy called this staging since I directed the kids under the light, but to me it was noticing a good opportunity and taking it.
12 comments:
I've been feeling the same way lately, Amy... Guilt from not spending my time where it needs to be spent. My house is suffering (and I DON'T even iron!). And with so much busy holidaying on the horizon, I know I need to kick myself into gear. Thanks for the gentle prodding...love that we all struggle through this together!
this is a battle i face ALL of the time. it seems to be such an internal struggle for me as some of the demands drain me. i hear you on wanting to focus on something that you want to do instead of leaving that in order to do something you need to do. i too get the overwhelming feeling when not making good choices. and then i feel a bit tired to deal with it all. i'm feeling that way about my house right now ( : i think it's the ongoing, knowing no matter how many times you do something you will need to keep doing it that's the hardest for me.
thanks for sharing your time today. i enjoyed it. and these thoughts will keep me going when i feel like letting it go as well.
Did you just describe yourself or me? I feel I have been in this same cycle and rut since early Summer. Always choosing to do things that "I" want to do, processing photos, blogging, e-mail, reading, sitting on the couch...just doing nothing. I hate myself on those days when I look back. Thank you for sharing this part of you, it helps me feel more normal I guess. The past month though I have been putting my priorities in a straighter line, I have never felt happier. THANK YOU for sharing and good luck getting out of the spin...
I'm with you on this one. Same thing going on in this head all the time. I like your idea of trying to make a shift NOW. I read an article about Ashley Judd and she said that was a big light-bulb moment... realizing that you can make a change NOW. Trying to adopt this philosophy and at the same time cut myself a little slack - just move on without all the guilt.
Thanks for sharing.
I can relate to this battle of our we spend our time. I have a feeling it will be a lifetime one. SO your approach of one day ant a time and looking towards tomorrow is a good one. I still don't iron and now living in the humidity I do I think I may never start.
I can relate to this, Amy. Lately I wonder what I have been doing with myself because nothing is getting done. Nothing necessary, nothing for fun, just nothing. And this week it hasn't even been blogging. I'm just catching up on everyone today. Where does it go? I need to pay more attention. It is comforting to know that we all struggle and are trying to be better in our individual ways.
I think we all struggle with feelings like this as we try to maintain some sort of balance in life. I think I've gotten a lot better at this as my kids have gotten older and as I have figured out the things I need to do each day so I don't get behind on life. It's about time management, and though I'm often not good at that, I seem to have figured out how to stay on top of the house so that I can do the things I want to do most.
Why not make a list of what needs to be done each week and assign the tasks to a day of the week. It makes things so much more manageable. Are you still doing Fly Lady stuff?
I love the trick or treating picture! I want one please.
Staged or not, awesome pic! Especially the spinning one.
You make an excellent point. The feeling comes as a result of our choices - not necessarily because of the tasks themselves. I delay, delay, delay until they truly are a burden to me. I call it my way of controlling things. I seem to be able to control very little about what happens during my day, except how I spend my time. Does that make sense? I'll not trouble you longer if it doesn't. Just the thoughts of a crazy lady here.
But thanks for your thoughts. As always, they are appreciated and admired.
Great post and two great pictures. I feel like this all the time- the have-to and want-to things are always fighting to win for me. I know someday I will get to the point where I know the minimum that I need to do to not feel guilty for doing the me things, just not there yet because I haven't made it a priority to figure it out. For now, I try to have the washer or dryer or dishwasher going before I start in on anything for me. That is how I justify the time :)
I love this post, I completely agree. I am constantly battling what I want to do and what I need to do.
Thanks for sharing. I love your pictures too, they look awesome!
It must be going around. Thank you for putting such beautiful words to it. Not one of my talents.
The pictures of both you and the trick-or-treaters are amazing...even if they are staged. Would you consider taking pictures of my family/kids next time I'm in Utah?
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