for what it's worth, my thoughts

"I'm doing my best and my best has stains."

I said this to Adam a long time ago, could have been a year now, while I was getting into bed and he was making fun of my favorite stained pajama pants. As I said it, I didn't realize the wisdom that was in my words right away. It has since found it's way into our everyday life, I think it's stated at least once each week at game night and something we all kind of joke about. Today, however, I've been thinking about it a lot.



I'm human. You're human. We are all tying to make something out of the life we were given, which is completely and beautifully imperfect. I think sometimes we forget how alike we all are. We look at someone and believe them to be better than us or that they've got it all together. No. I disagree. I don't believe anyone is better than us, you or me, rather we are all in different stages of our life. Some have progressed a bit further, faster. Some of us are slow. We are all moving at different speeds, with different terrains, experiencing different obstacles.

Are we not bound to get stains on our travels and won't those stains stand to give us the experiences we need to move forward?

I love life and I love to experience life, but I admit, I am afraid of experiences as well. They scare me because some of them are really difficult to get through, but the older I get the more I understand that I need experiences. I am, how can I best say it...lazy. No, I am looking for the easiest road. If at all possible I would choose not to go through something hard and difficult if I could get the same result in the end without it. Unfortunately, I don't believe life works like that, which I admit to thinking, is a shame. I won't go down that road and state what we all know, what's been said before that our experiences shape us, but I will say, think about what your life would be like without them? Mine would be blah, more mundane than it already feels, and boring. (Can I say boring?) Without trying to be a huge walking contradiction...I want to feel. I need to feel. I don't mind experiencing the lowest of lows because then I know what if feels like to have the highest of highs and I think that's worth it. Yes, of course, when I'm feeling my lows I hate every minute. In my deepest darkest place I want to never feel again, but when it's over and I can appreciate the whys and what it's taught me, I am grateful.

My experiences have taught me that I need people in my life. I have said more than once to Adam, "I think I was meant to be alone". I said it out of desperation because from what I understand relationships are hard and a lot of work...between husband and wife, children, parents, friends, co workers, etc. It's not something we do once or find once, it's what we create together over time that will give us the connections we need to keep going. Yes, I think we need each other to keep us going and help push us in the right direction. I have often been amazed how Adam and I can have a huge deep talk and think, Well, that's it. We won't have to do that again. Now life will be merry and perfect. I couldn't be more wrong. I'm the type of person that likes to get everything done at once. I'm the marathon running so to speak. I would rather run it all at once than do it over a months time. Took me a long time to realize life is not like that. It's that passing of time that allows us to grow and shape who we want or who we will be. It's through my relationships that I find life to be the most rewarding.

Ok, so I know what your thinking, Dude, Amy what's the point of this post? Why have I just spent time reading this? Well, I admit to writing this for myself because I don't want to forget, but hope my point being this came across.... I believe the things in our life that are the most meaningful are the hardest to do. The things in our life that we want and need will challenge us the most. Relationships are hard, experiencing life is hard, but I am who I am because of them and so I guess that makes all the work worth it.

Have a great weekend. I have definite plans to be outside because I've heard winter maybe starting next week. I hope though, it waits for Halloween.