lessons from my first 1/2 marathon

taken with iphone

01. Running is--dare I say fun? Or at least that's what I would have said at mile 6. I'm not saying running is fun for running sake, but I understand now why people get addicting to races. The sound of deep breaths and many feet striking the pavement all around me made me feel like I was apart of something big.

02. Choose a race that is beautiful, terrain that you will simply be in awe of as you weave back and forth. I watched the sun rise over the red rocks as I made my way down Snow Canyon. It was stunning and relevant to where I was and what I was doing. All you have out there is your thoughts and found it helpful to have something beautiful to look to.

03. Running in the cold is ideal. I remember one of my friends posted on facebook how her favorite temperature to run in was the high 40s low 50s. I thought she was absolutely crazy, but now I understand. Saturday morning it was cold, about 32 degrees, but it was perfect for running long distance. I wasn't 2 miles in before I stripped down to only a t-shirt and gloves. On that note, I should have run with my arm warmers instead. The only thing that got cold from time to time was my wrists. Strange.

04. Run with a friend. I really loved knowing that I wasn't alone. We actually didn't even run it together, but knowing she was there, working toward the same goal, gave me strength and comfort.

05. If I regret one thing it would be that I wasn't able to run with my camera. There were just too many times I wish I could have captured certain moments throughout the race. I wonder when the time will come that we will be able to take pictures with our eyes without them fading?

06. Embrace imperfections. Undoubtedly something is going to happen that's not ideal. Body aches and pains you've never felt before, chaffing in odd places, uphills that were unexpected, wind working against you. Accept that it's apart of your experience and move on.

07. You may be what someone else needs. At one point for about 2-3 miles I noticed this guy in a green neon shirt running next to me. Finally I had found someone I could pace with, seemed everyone else was passing me up. Toward the end before I pull away from him I wondered who was pacing with whom? I love to imagine we were helping each other.

08. If you've trained you have no need to fear. I thought the night before I would have been a wreck with worry and anticipation. You would have been proud of me, I was calm and peaceful. I was ready.

09. Running is a mind game. If you tell yourself you can, you can. Trust me. If I can run 13.1 miles anyone can.

10. I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. Philippians 4:13 A young man (guessing 18) ran passed me toward the beginning of the race with this scripture written in black ink across his back. I didn't really think about it again until mile 10.5 when everything started to fall apart. I think the term is, I hit my wall. For one, I couldn't breath because I got water down my trachea, never good, the wind kicked up, we started running uphill, I was hurting and becoming fully aware of my fatigue. Doubt crept in in a serious way and I started to lose focus. I wasn't sure I could continue on. It was then that my one song came on that always pumps me up and gives me energy and I immediately thought back to the shirt I had seen at the beginning of the race. I have no doubt that song coming on just then was a tender mercy from the Lord. I felt loved and understood and was given what I needed. When we do our part and do all we can, God gives us strength to continue on.

11. It feels amazing to see a goal through to the finish line. Although I have been afraid and intimidated by running a 1/2 marathon (do you realize how far that is??) I've always wanted to do it. It's been on my bucket list for years, remember how devastated I was two years ago when I injured my back and I wasn't able to run with Robyn? What an amazing feeling it was to cross the finish line, exhausted, knowing I had given everything I could. Did I say this already? I understand why racing is addicting.

12. Enjoy it. Toward the end when I really started struggling like I have already written about and the race stopped becoming "fun" I keep telling myself to enjoy it, particularly the end, because I may never do it again. This lesson seems to crept into my life more often than I care to admit. As we all know life is full of ups and down, but regardless of what we are facing this experience is meant to be enjoyed. I can't be sure if I will ever run another race, part of me wants to, part of me doesn't, but for now I am just grateful for what this experience taught me and that I enjoyed the whole of it.


Finished results:
distance: 13.1 miles
time: 1:51:00.7
pace: 8:28/M

mindful

I started reading Crow Lake Sunday night and found myself grateful I had picked it up while I was alone--Adam was out of town--to devour the words. Mary Lawson, the author, captured so perfectly the moments you go through when someone you love passes away. The way your life slows down and you remember all the pieces of the moment & the moments leading up to it as if burned in your memory. I finally had to put the book down as I found myself reflecting with the author about my own experience and how they compared.


[iphone instagram app]

The day before my brother died, Sunday, I remember like it was yesterday, the way he stood up after church, gave my sister and I a hug at the same time and said, "i love you guys". I remember how we both randomly ended up at my cousins that evening. I didn't know he was going to be there and vice versa, it just happened that he showed up with friends and we were all hanging out. It doesn't seem that random, except it was, that had never happened before. I don't recall the specifics of what was said or even if we hung out that much, but I do remember being in my aunt's bedroom and he was there and I think maybe he was making fun of me about the boy I liked. There was some lively banter, though like I said, it is vague. Then I was at the door leaving, he was there too, I swear he was teasing, he said something to the boy, but the memory is faint, and then I left and that was the last time I saw him.

When I roll these images around in my head of those final moments I am disturbed by the large chunks of time left missing. I don't remember what happened after church to the time we saw each other at our cousins. I don't remember if we had dinner as a family or what we talked about, I hope we did, but I don't know, that time is blurry--and so is our goodbye. I think maybe if I spoke with some of the people there that night I may be able to piece it all together, get a better picture, in fact I'm almost sure I could, but it bugs me that some moments are held tight while others drift away.

I never really made a connection until I was reading Sunday and it got me thinking about my final goodbye with my brother that goodbyes are not something I take lightly anymore. Death changes you. It just does. If you've been through it, you know exactly what I mean and while we all mourn differently and at our own pace, at the other end we come out of it completely different--changed. It's impossible not to, tragedy does not leave one unscathed. And in this one thing, parting, I am completely different than I once was. Goodbyes hold a lot more meaning to me now, and I know this is going to sound completely insane and morbid, but you never do know when it will be your last. In all our years of marriage there have only been a few times where I've let Adam leave on bad terms and let me just tell you, I can't go a few hours without calling and making things right with him. Mostly I end up at the last minute, just in the nick of time, running down the stairs and seeing him get into his car, me waving from the door and telling him I love him--you just never know.

And it's not so much the saying goodbye as much as it's remembering that moment. When the girls leave for school I love them up, send them on their way, and watch them disappear up the hill. It's not really something I do consciously, I'm not standing there wondering if it's the last time I will see them, but deep down I think I'm trying to burn the memory of that moment into my brain. And not even in the case of death, more so, I do it so that I'm present right then and I'll have it to recall on later. I guess you could say remembering has become vitally important to me and don't doubt it has something to do with why I document my life. I don't want to forget where we are or where we've come from.

I guess you could say my experience with death taught me that I want to live a mindful life. I'd like to say that I'm awesome at living mindfully, that I've been living that way since that fateful day in 1992, and even though I don't think I do such a bad job of it, it's still something that I'm continually perusing and working towards. I want to be present in the moment, to be aware of who's around me and what they need, to be mindful of the time given, to be grateful for what I have when I have it now--not when it's gone.

I wish that was a lesson I could have learned another way, but I am grateful, today, that I learned it nevertheless.

xxox

morning questions

We had a very casual conversation about death moments before the girls walked out the door this morning. I know, not really the topic I would choose to send them out the door with, but it was such a wonderful teaching moment I almost didn't get anxious as I turned around, shut the door and walked back in the house alone.


[taken last night during dinner, but looked a lot like this morning]

It all started after reading in Alma 11 (book in the Book of Mormon) where Amulek is teaching the people about our temporal death and how Christ overcame it through resurrection and so will we.

Megan: So mom when I die my spirit can't get sick?
Me: Your body is what gets sick so no, after you die, you can't get sick.
Megan: laughing - That means I can eat all the candy I want and I won't get sick.
Me: Well if you don't have your bodies I don't think you'll need to eat.
Megan: But I'm going to want candy, I just know I will.
Tess: I want food. I can't live without food.
Bella: But your spirit won't need the food...see?
Tess & Megan: no.

There was some giggling at this point and then the conversation moved on from there.

Megan: Mom when I'm really old you'll be dead?
Me: Yep, I'll be in heaven.
Megan: Will you be there to meet me when I die?
Me: Yep, I'll be there and your dad will be there and grandma and grandpa and nana and papa and...
Megan: and grandma Dot?
Me: Yes grandma Dot too.
Tess: and your brother Alan?
Me: Yes, Alan will be there too. Even members of our family you didn't know like my grandma will be there, but you will know them after you die.
Bella: Megan we'll be together forever...all of us.
Megan: I will be sad when you die.
Me: I know, but I will be old and it will be time.
Megan: I love you mom....up to heaven.
Me: I love you, all the way back.

Of all the mornings the girls have been distracted while we've read scriptures and I've walked away discouraged wondering why I attempt to do it, it suddenly becomes crystal clear after moments like I had this morning why.

They are listening.
They are watching.
Our efforts are not in vain.

xoxo,
amy

a mind game

I've always believed, after all heaven knows I can't count the conversations I've had with Adam or the talks I've listened to about how your head creates your world, but it wasn't until yesterday on my 7 mile run that I really knew that life is a mind game.

It's a really nice concept to say, if you think positive you are positive, if you think happy you will be happy, but much harder to actually implement in your life. I admit all the times I've heard this over the years I've thought, yeah this is a good idea, I'm sure it works, it make sense...yada yada yada. I know I've had experiences in my life where I've seen this concept at work, but yesterday it just clicked and I guess that's what it takes, at least for me, to learn/change.

As I ran I had a never ending dialogue, I can do this, this is easy, and I'm feeling good. There were times when the road ahead seemed long, but I constantly pushed myself and put those thoughts in the back of my head and kept going. On the home stretch, unfortunately I was running an incline (not intentional when mapping my course), I pushed myself hard to get up fast and when I rounded the corner I saw the gray buildings near my house that indicated the end of my run. Interestingly enough, at the moment I saw the end I felt a definite physical change in my body. I was exhausted, I wanted to be done, and I let those feelings influence me and my body started to shut down.


[thanks Crystalyn for the beautiful flowers]

Not surprisingly this lesson was reiterated to me at church today when we discussed how God wants us to bear our afflictions cheerfully (1 peter 4:12-13). We're all going to go through trials in this life, so if it's inevitable why not change our attitude? I remember at conference hearing the story of the woman crossing the plains with her children. During her journey, for whatever reason, one by one she buried each of them in the ground and arrived having lost everything...it was her faith that kept her going. I believe if she had let those feelings of despair in, she too wouldn't have made it.

Yesterday I proved to myself that life really is a mind game. I told myself I could do it and I did. Our minds have the power to shape our attitudes for good or bad and that attitude is what determines how we see our course. Today the girls asked me to play house with them and although I really didn't want to, I did, happily. That attitude change made all the difference and I ended up having the best time. Hopefully this is a lesson I will not soon forget.

she rides

I've been asking Bella, more like begging her, for years to learn how to ride a bike. "No", was always her answer. "I'm just not interested", she would say. I admit it bothered me a bit because it's such a part of childhood, but after a while I realized if it's not for her, than it's not for her and I left it at that. I never asked her again, but always hoped one day she would.

Well that one day came a few months ago. She said, "Mom I think it's time I learn how to ride a bike. I'd like to be able to ride to school so we don't have to drive so much and we can save the earth." Her reason cracked me up, she's such an environmentalist (must be all those Nova's she watches), but whatever it takes I say.



So Saturday while the girls played on the hill, Bella got out the brand new bike she got for her birthday and learned to ride. She was shaky at first, but caught on within the first few tries (perhaps it helps the older you are). She's not very confident at turning, but "it will come", I told her, "Your just starting out."

It's such a great moment as a mother to watch your child face their fears or doubts and go just for it. I am proud of her. Marvelous job Bella! I can't wait to go on bike rides with you. Now I just need my own bike.

reminder to self

A few months ago while trying to get the kids out the door and do the last minute stuff we should have done the night before, I lost it with one of my girls. So much so that I was mortified with myself and so disgusted I had lost my patience. When it happened all I had time to do was apologize and wish her a happy day at school despite my outburst before sending them on their way. So there I was alone in my thoughts, sending my child out in the world probably wondering if her mother loved her. I felt, as I should, horrible, sick, and all I wanted was for her to have a good day.

As the day went on I had thoughts for nothing else. I cried, I prayed, I wondered how in the world I was entrusted with three beautiful children. The thoughts went on and on. Then at lunch I went and got the mail and among the junk was a letter with my name on it. It was from a woman in my neighborhood who I don't get to see as often as I would like.

Dear Amy,

About a month ago, I attended your Sacrament meeting. I believe I was sitting in front of you (or at least I saw what I'm about to relate from the front of the chapel). Adam wasn't with you because his back had been giving him some problems. I looked at you with your three daughters and it was the sweetest moment for me. I recognize that it was an unusual moment because your daughters were all quiet and satisfied. You were listening to the speakers. Your youngest was in your lap and Bella and Tess were on either side of you...leaning against you in their own, individual way. Again, at that movement everyone was content, and happy and secure. I felt as though I was watching a beautiful, peaceful Madonna with her three little ones. I truly hope that I can remember that beautiful scene. I was beautiful!

I am so grateful to know you and love you and to have been taught by you in so many ways. Please know that I miss you, but every day as I drive by your house I think of you...happily.

With all my love.....

God truly does know us, does He not? I knew the moment I saw the card, even before I opened it up that it was my answer. I was so grateful to this woman for taking time out of her busy life to send me a note that didn't necessarily need to be sent. She was my angel that day and reminded me I am a good mother....I do have something special with my girls.

As I went about the rest of my day feeling loved and forgiven I keep thinking about President Dieter F. Uchtdorf's words from the 2008 Relief Society conference session.

In the end, the number of prayers we say may contribute to our happiness, but the number of prayers we answer may be of even greater importance.

Being the recipient of such kindness made me greater appreciate his words and helped me to understand them on a whole knew way. If answering someone's prayer makes them feel as I felt at that moment I can't afford not to do what is asked of me. On a gray day an angel is all we need and we can be that angel to anyone.

graffiti

I've been feeling under the weather today. Really I should say since Sunday I haven't felt myself. I hate feeling sick, sort of sick, or like I'm getting sick...I just don't want to do anything. I guess it can be a good thing though, I feel like my body is telling me I need a little break.

So after taking a sloooooooow morning I went downstairs to find Megan when I noticed this



on my banister. The 'who would do this' was never a question in my mind and I continued on my way to find the culprit, Megan, who was basking in the glory of watching TV all morning long. (Do I feel guilty? A bit, but it feels good to use it when I need it.)

In her childlike, I still don't understand that my mom knows everything, way she tried lying to me. "Mom, really, I don't know who did it." Will I ever get her to understand you get in far more trouble telling a lie than the truth? Aargh!



Eventually she came out with it. I don't know, it could have been the threats that put her over the edge, but she admitted it and rectified the situation by using the magic eraser (love this thing...it is magic) to clean it up. She was just about done when I walked away to change the laundry and as I came back I found her cleaning the wall on the other side of the stairs.



I told her she didn't have to do that, but then she pointed out she indeed did...more Megan 'art' on my wall. I wonder, had I noticed that first if she would have told me the truth up front seeing how it's her name and not just scribbles?

Since then I found this



in her room and a couple other offenses around the house. I'm sort of shocked that I'm dealing with this now, she four and never done this before, but for some reason she is choosing walls as her canvas. Perhaps she's just so excited she is learning to write her name and doing it so well that she's practicing everywhere, but then again it doesn't explain the scribbles. Baffling? I tell you what it is never a dull day with her around.

3 lessons

I was a few minutes early to Stake Conference so I pulled out my ensign and began reading when I noticed everyone was standing up. Instinctively I stood up looking in the direction of everyone else and noticed a man and his wife walking toward me. It took me a moment or two, but when my eyes focused and I realize who it was walking toward me I felt the spirit witness to me that in my presence was the Prophet of God, Thomas S. Monson and his darling wife. Instantly I knew why he was there. His daughter was speaking in conference and had come to hear her. I was surprised he choose to sit in the congregation in the overflow area, but perhaps he felt more comfortable not wanting to draw too much attention to himself. He was five seats away from me and I couldn't help feel a sadness that my children were not with me attending the meeting. I know they would have loved to meet him.

It was a marvelous conference. Marvelous. Everything I could have hoped. I walked away feeling I had prayers answered and was so grateful I didn't pass up this opportunity to learn.

The Stake President related a story he had heard at a BYU commencement talk recently and I will paraphrase it.

A young man lost his father in his late twenties and was forced to take over a company and business he was not ready for. He was overwhelmed and prayed to the Lord that his father's spirit might be permitted to inspire him, but no inspiration came, no answers to guide him. It wasn't until years later that he had a dream one night where his father came to him and said he had been quite busy and then suggested to his son, "We really don't care much about your business up here-we care only about who you are becoming as you run your business."

Many thoughts ran through my mind as he told this story, it made so much sense, and I realized that I could fill that sentence with any number of things. For instance, We really don't care what calling you have or We really don't care how many children you have-we care only who you are becoming as you run your life. etc. Our choices are significant in the sense that it brings us to where we are and ultimately helps shape the person we become, but the Lord has given us free reign to choose for ourselves and He is only concerned about the person we are striving to become not the jobs we hold or where we live.

Another powerful lesson taken from the Stake Presidents talk was referring to a parable given in The Great Divorce by C.S. Lewis.

There was a bus that would take the souls from Hell on a ride up to Low Heaven where they were greeted by angels coming to minister to them. The angels encouraged them to abandon their sins and stay with them and progress to Deep Heaven. Many souls struggled with making the choice, but sadly the souls made there was back on the bus and returned to Hell. One soul, inclined to stay in Heaven, asked, "how can they chose to go back", and the angel said, "The choice of every lost soul can be expressed in the words 'Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven'. There is always something they insist on keeping, even at the price of misery. There is always something they prefer to joy..."

"The reason the souls returned to the bus was because there was some part of the natural man that their pride simply did not allow them to let go of...some sin or aspect of their worldly character that they pridefully desired to retain despite the best efforts of the angels missionaries. In a fit of ego gratification they wanted to hold onto envy, self absorption, lusts or worldly acclaim even at the risk of losing heaven. And this brings us to the heart and essence of the opposite of humility, that is, pride--in that pride is at it's very core a competitive vice. The opposite of a humble person who forgets about themselves, is the prideful soul who is focused not only on self, but on comparing themselves to others, and are focused on how they look and not on their relationship with God. The element of comparison and competition creates enmity between us and others and ourselves and God.

I'm sorry I know that was long, but I had to share it. Comparison is something I have dealt with a lot in my life and have a sense we have all had a taste of it. Comparison or even caring about what others think is a sure fire way of bringing me down and making me feel like I have absolutely no worth, but I hadn't really thought about how those feeling could be hindering a relationship with my Heavenly Father. I know blogging can play a big roll in helping me compare to each one of you. It can be hard at times to see so many of you succeed where I fail, but I know that we have all come to this earth with difference strengths and weaknesses so that we will rely on each other. It would be a shame to let the one thing that pulls us together push us apart.

I love going to a conference where you walk out and think it was all prepared just for you. I have one last lesson I want to share, one more quote I don't want to forget. At the end President Monson made his long way up from the back and talked for a few minutes. He shared a story about when he was ten years old and was riding along the Provo River on an inner tube. He had been riding for quite some time when he came around a bend and heard people calling "save her". He didn't know who they were talking about until he saw the head of a fourteen year old girl come out of the water. He grabbed onto her, pulled her onto the tube, and took her to the shore. The point of his story was this..."Heavenly Father can intervene so always have listening ears." He had been on the water for some time alone, no one knew he was coming and yet he was there ready and willing to answer the plea to "save her". He ended by saying, "I am grateful God knows who I am and knows I will do what He asks me to do."

A very powerful lesson to remember to always listen...you never know when you might be needed.

another book...another lesson

One of the best ways for me to decide whether or not I loved a book is the way it leaves me feeling...so I cannot help but love Mrs. Mike by Benedict and Nancy Freedman. Perhaps not the best of times to finishing reading, it's either the tears from the story or the outside air that is keeping my nose stuffed up. Whatever the case, I find myself in a very thoughtful mood.

What can I say and how can I say it to express how much I took from this book. It's a beautiful story that taught me about life, love, and courage. It actually reminded me a lot of "These Is My Words", but written in a completely different setting...the harshness of the Canadian Northwest country.

"Mike was right: the pattern of life isn't a straight line; it crosses and recrosses, drawing in and tying together other lives, as I do when I gather in the ends of my thread to make a knot."

One of the several messages from the book that stuck out at me was how our lives are intertwined and connected to each others for a moment or even a lifetime, and in those comings and goings we can't help but make an impact and change each others lives forever. It's a strange concept, especially in these times where a wireless connection brings individuals together that may never have met otherwise and they touch our lives. Inspire. Teach. Serve. Give us what we need at a particular time when we are desperate for it and then they move on. Sometimes they stay and we have the pleasure of enjoying their wisdom for years to come, other times we are left with having been blessed with them in our lives if only for a moment.

I often wonder in the premortal life if I had friends that I promised I would find or if I begged them to find me knowing they had a piece of my puzzle I couldn't do without. I do not doubt the wisdom of a loving Heavenly Father who brings us those we need when we need them. It makes me realize I could be that for someone and while dripping in my selfishness someone else gets the blessing of friendship. I want to be better as I know I have only me to blame for missing an opportunity. I know I can be better at fulfilling my purpose, whatever it is, I know not, but I do know it's understanding doesn't come until after I've tried. I must first do.



Life and the way we are thrown about from place to place, from emotion to emotion is a beautiful thing if only we can see perspective. All things relative to where we're headed and where we want to end up. Life, our experiences, often have that way of throwing us off course, but the path is always there for us to resume when we realize we've always had what we've always wanted, and our friends are there walking us back, hand in hand, reminding us how much we are loved and needed.

Today I am grateful for friends.

The "fun run"

The girls and I went and cheered Bella on at her school "fun run" today. I was not sure what to expect and wound up coming away with something I needed.

When I got there the kids had just started to line up and stretch out. Bella was very excited to do this and kept looking over and waving at us to make sure we knew where she was. I heard the teacher ask "so everyone's running?" Bella pipes up and says, "I'm just going to walk" (Poor girl missed school yesterday do to puking so she wasn't 100%. She had been telling me all morning that she just wanted to walk). They got in position and off they went. Bella started to run with all her peers, but fell quickly behind all the other girls. So there I was watching my little girl come around the corner waving at us with a big smile on her face & in dead last. We cheered her on clapping and screaming her name the entire time. With tears in my eyes I watch her cross the finish line. I had never been so proud of anyone at that moment. She was so thrilled and excited to be apart of it, it didn't even register to her that she was last place.

She taught me something this afternoon. Taught me a valuable lesson I needed to be reminded of today.

We are all beautiful children of God. We all have God given gifts. We all have God given talents. Talents that are all expressed in different ways. Some very publicly and some more subtle. Whatever the case we all have them for a reason and have been asked to use them. I am reminded of Jill's post today about how often we focus on what others have. What other's do. If only we could see inside ourselves and what we have to offer. Oh the things we could do if we got this simple concept. How lucky we are that we're all different individuals...that we can offer something to someone that perhaps they can't give to themself. How lucky we are that we have found this beautiful blog world to celebrate our lives and what makes us unique.

Although I am not very good at the mother thing I am grateful everyday for what my children teach me.

choices

I have felt sort of in a funk today. Not really bad enough to throw me for a loop, but just enough that my mind is constantly aware. It all started with a dream(this is not about death), and here I am still thinking and still trying to bring myself back to reality. I was really grateful I had some time today to myself even if it was more packing. I had music playing very loudly and at random times I would write things on the wall. Things that came to mind. Things that spoke to me. I really enjoyed being able to do that. It felt like my canvas and I was really in a mood to create. (I hope to post some photo when I am able to upload from my camera.)

My lesson on sunday to the 4 yr olds what about choices. We all have the right to decide which direction to go and what to do and how to dream. I have been thinking about my choices and how it has brought me to this place. This very great place I still find I am trying to wrap myself around....understand. I ended up in a place I never thought I would be. Not a bad place, just different than what I always intended. Envisioned. What to do with the choices I have made and how to let go of the ones I didn't? I have many questions of whys and what ifs but I know they don't mean anything and it is hurting me from developing the here and now. Here I am letting it go and giving myself to what I know and what I need and what I want. Life. Happiness. Excitement. Romance. Joy. Love. It's all possible to find no matter which choices you make. I have no doubt of that. I am no longer going to wait around believing I am entitiled to these things. Or waiting for someone else to make it happen. Its my life. My choices brought me to this point and I intend to make it everything I always dreamed.