I have no business blogging

Really.

I should be finishing Megan's costume alterations, it was way too big and I'm finding myself resewing the entire thing. Drat! I know I still have an entire week, but she has a party tonight so I'm trying to get it done for that. Plus I'm adding sequins to jazz it up a bit...her suggestion.

I need to get a jump on my laundry so Monday doesn't come again and overwhelm me like last week.

I should be working on my lesson for Sunday so it doesn't get left till the last minute.

I still need to clean up the kitchen from lunch.



My studio desk is a mess as Megan pointed out, "Whoa mom, your desk is a mess" and I should really spend some time organizing so I can finish the project I've been working on. (sorry can't tell yet, it's for Christmas).

Once again I need to go through my kids paper trail. I can't believe the amount of papers they come home with. Although I'm good about weeding the important stuff out right away, I still end up with papers & art projects everywhere.


[I love this photo because while she was carrying her 5 year old her 8 year old ran by and she was smiling at him. Such a sweet fleeting moment.]

I have photos to proof from a photoshoot I did last night of a dear friend from high school. She has a darling family of all boys so it was fun to be with some boys for once.


Apparently it's time to stop writing and get busy.
Ciao!

left to wonder

I've been told before that my blog doesn't match me. When I first heard it I was surprised. Not offended just surprised. I guess I had never thought about it before, someone matching their blog, but once I started thinking about it I realized they're probably right...in a way.

I tend to think I'm a pretty enjoyable person to be around. I guess not always, I mean we all have our days right, but on the whole...enjoyable. So when I'm in a group setting with others I like to have fun, I love to laugh, sometimes I act silly, sometimes I'm loud. Yes, sometimes I can get myself in trouble with my unfortunately tenancy to blurt, I do apologize for that, and other times, no, always I love just sitting and chatting. So when someone visits my blog and finds heavy material I think they're expecting to find a heavy person on the end of it and when they meet me in person I surprise them. To tell you the truth, I kind of like that.

I wish I could write funny or lighter, but I can't, I don't know how. Instead I'm inclined to write my thoughts and as you've witnessed I think a lot. Unfortunately, my thoughts aren't always what others want to dwell on or think about themselves, but I can't help it. When I'm inclined to write it isn't about what happened to me today (I guess sometimes it is), but it's mainly about how I'm feeling. Like for instance my post on motherhood. It's a reoccurring theme in my life, that I don't feel like I'm the greatest mother, and it was something I had to get out so I could move away from. Sadly I know I'll have to do it again, which leads me wondering...what I should and shouldn't share on my blog? Do they really want to know how I feel? Is it appropriate to share what I'm going through? I mean I realize it's often hard to comment on a heavy post so it always leaves me wondering what you could be thinking or if you understand me at all?

This week I haven't known what to say because I've been full, my mind has been full. I found myself finishing The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger with tears streaming down my cheeks. It left me missing Adam, needing Adam, fearing loosing Adam (in the death way), and pleading with God to never take him from me. Certainly not the best way to spend ones time, but I felt sort of paralyzed in my thoughts especially knowing that I have no control over my future in terms of when someone dies. It's just, I know we have an eternal marriage and that we'll be together forever, but this life, this one opportunity we have been given here to prove ourselves I don't want to do it without him. Sigh. It took me some time, quite a bit of time, to remind myself it does nothing to worry about something I have no control of, but I need to spend my time focusing on what I can do. So I focus on us and making us the best we can be. Making each moment count and being grateful for what we do have together.

flowers given to my by adam last week

So for me wanting to try even harder on my marriage I am grateful for the book, but I've decided I really need to read something funny right now or at least take a small reading break (It seems I've read a lot of heavy stuff lately and I need to laugh). I wasn't in love with the writing and got sort of bored in parts of the middle, but I am intrigued by time travel and the love story that was woven in between. I've decided that a good ending can trump a mediocre middle so yes, I did like the book. I will put out a warning though...this book, like Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, has harsh language at times and a few inappropriate scenes.

Do books often throw you for a loop? Do you ever wonder whether or not you should share something on your blog?

3 years and 611 posts later

It was serendipitous that I started working on publishing my blog this week because I don't think I would have noticed that today it has been 3 years to the day that I started blogging. Man, that sounds like such a long time to be sharing my life on the web.

It's been interesting, to say the less, to go back and reread my entire first 9 months. I must admit so many of my posts I want to go back and edit. I can't believe some of my spelling errors and sentence structures, but of course I will leave them as is (not the spelling errors I will correct those). It's been really cool to see the evolution of my writing. Yes, I know it is still atrocious, but from then till now I see a complete difference in how I write and how much I write. So I have held myself back from fixing it because I love seeing the changes I've made even if they're really slight. Also, there was a time when I disliked writing and since I've started blogging I've noticed how much I enjoy it and how much easier it has become to write posts, lessons, and talks. Definitely a great bonus. Of course I still find I'm not so good at properly expressing how I feel, but maybe that will come too come with time...one can hope.

I never did share the fact that I had a blog in the beginning because I was a little afraid of it and wasn't sure what it meant to me. It can be a scary thing to put yourself out there, share your thoughts, especially when you're giving others the opportunity to comment on your life, but ultimately I have been grateful for the blogging community. It's help me bounce ideas around, solve various problems, and given me insights I couldn't possibly get elsewhere. It's also been the source of some very wonderful friendships. I've meet and re-meet individuals only because of my blog that have made such a difference in my life. I can't count the ways I am grateful for the women it's brought into my life personally and virtually.

This is a screen shot of my blog on April 24, 2006. I wish I had the template of my blog when I first started, but I don't think much changed other than the banner and a longer list of blogs friends (there were 10), oh and I didn't have photos in my sidebar, Jill taught me how to do that. I wish I knew when I switched over my blog to have 2 sidebars. Makes me want to make sure and document all these subtleties in my posts so that I remember, of course I'm sure if I did research the comments would give me a good indication.

I've also noticed as I've combed through my posts that blogging has been a great boost for my creativity. I am inspired by so many of you which constantly makes me want to try new things. And not just creativity, but I've noticed when I say I'm going to do something I'm more inclined to actually do and finish it because now there is a level of expectation. It keeps me in check, keeps me thinking and doing constantly.

I have gone through my to blog or not to blog moments, but ultimately it has been a source for good in my life. After working on publishing my blog I've realized what a treasure I have here...3 years of my thoughts, creations, and words. Yes, I am still seeking to find the perfect balance, but I'm confident it will continue to help me strive to be better and like I said in my "journal" post a way for me to learn and see just how far I've come.

naked

I come to you now putting it all out there on the table for you to see the insecure vulnerable woman I am. If you were reading my journal this would be the voice you would hear. I must admit, this is hard for me to do as the multiple drafts to this post will attest to. I have tried writing this for several weeks now, to allow myself to heal, but each time I find myself clicking on the "save now" button and starting over with something less meaningful.



I want to apologize for the randomness of this post, but for me it has not come out of the blue. It's how I've been feeling for a while now (I've been trying to drown it out with talk radio) and it's time to let it go or I may lose just what it is I love about blogging. So I write today out of necessity. Write what? I'm sure you're thinking. Write from the heart I guess. Putting myself out there to reclaim what it is I've lost. You see I just can't keep up the facade anymore. I got hurt by a fellow blogger a few weeks back and I admit she (I'm assuming it's a she) broke my blogging spirit. As much as I want to deny that I'm above women's pettiness it obviously affected me. As I look back on my blog these last few weeks there is a huge difference in my posts and I can see now what it is...I'm missing. I guess you could say I'm trying to protect myself so I've taken me out of the equation and have still attempted to document life. As evidence to this post (my feeling the need to write this) I've obviously done a poor job of it because I can see right through to the emptiness. Ok, not all of my posts since then have been without me...if you look, if you look hard, I am trying to reach out I just don't know how.

So in recent weeks I've had an on going debate, if I can't be me on my blog why am I doing it? It's certainly not worth all the time I put into it to come here years from now and reread an unoccupied blog. Yes, I've thought seriously about pulling the plug and walking away. Haven't you? I'm not sure my intention would have been forever, I mean I really love blogging, but I don't know that one can truly come back, in the blog world, from such a long sabbatical. And since the thought of that really scares me I've continued on in an attempt to find a way to get back what I had.

Last week I proclaimed a RDV (random declaration of victory) and told myself I was done feeling this way, I had taken a beating, but I can rise above, I can live without another thought of it, but the lie I was telling myself obviously didn't work because I am here, writing, attempting to deal with my feelings so they can stop haunting me. And you know it's working. For some strange reason I feel I can be honest, vulnerable, like I haven't in a long time, and be ok with what you might think. This blog, my words, is exactly that...mine. It's about my life, my heartache, my happiness and it's time I put the me back in the equation.

It's funny I suddenly feel like I'm naked and I don't know how to put my clothes back on, so I'll end with this...I am rising above, recognizing all the goodness that is around me and in turn I feel the blogging me resurfacing. So I guess all that's left to say is thank you. Thank you for helping me find my safe place again and letting me be vulnerable.

yesterday in my inbox

I was on the list of an email from my sister's friend Alecia about a blog she had just started. Her second paragraph said this,

"The second reason I started blogging hit me the other day as I was reading Amy M's blog (HI AMY!!!). Amy is actually my BFF's sister and I really want to get to know this gal! I realized blogging is a GREAT way to make connections with people that you many not ordinarily have the pleasure of associating with, and learning from, due to location, etc. She also taught me something else, without knowing it. She's very open with her feelings and expresses them beautifully. At first I thought, "I can't do that...share my inner self for all to read. Then I realized that I've spent much of my life not knowing who I really am and perhaps if I dare to follow Amy's lead I will find myself in the process. Thank you Amy, you're an inspiration!"

A bigger compliment she could not have given me. It's sometimes hard and scary to put myself out there in the world, but it makes all the difference in the world knowing I could have just inspired someone to do the same thing. I don't share this to boast, but rather to remind us all what a difference we are making in each others life.

It didn't hit me until after reading this email how much the changes I have made in my life have been a result of blogging. First of all I think there is something to keeping a journal. I have done it in the past and never thought it made much of a difference, but now what I've noticed is it really helps when your words are at your finger tips at any given moment. Before I would always write what I was feeling, walk away and never revisit it, but now with blogging and comments it gives me more time to reflect and have some sort of discussion with others (you), which helps me to continue to formulate my thoughts. I have learned a lot about me being willing to share. Is it like this for you?

Thank you to all those who have been with me through this process. Blogging really is cool and has made such an impact on my life. I never knew how much I needed you all. I would've never guessed when I started 2 years ago that blogging would have made such a significant difference to my life.

So go check out Alecia's blog. She is eager to get involved and will be a wonderful addition to the ever growing circle of blog friends. I am really hoping her involvement will get my sister to start one of her own.

project seven

Thank you all for your kind words and emails. It means the world to me.

I am still to this day amazed there are strangers and others I already know that are choosing to participate in my life on this level. It's difficult at times to put myself out there, but am realizing the more and more I do, the more I get back and the richer the relationships become. I think that's the one thing scary about lurkers...I feel they are taking unknowingly without giving...that's a whole different topic. My point is blogging has been a blessing in my life. The friendships you all give me, the connections I feel...even through cyberspace, the way you inspire me, the awareness I feel about others around me, and the things you cause me to think about. I am a better person because of you. It's amazing what you get when you give. I truly hope to meet all you, as Kelly would say, lovely strangers one day and get closer to the ones I do know.

Just thought I'd share my project for the week. It actually took so much time cutting the contact sheets, pasting them on, and making them fit. Despite the time, it was fun to look back and remember each moment I took these photos and remember why I do it.

who am i to blog?

I didn’t even know what a blog was when the year started, but now I am addicted. I have been half tempted to start my own and here I am doing it, writing out my first entry.

But who am I? I’m not well known, political, or even have something important to say-so why even begin? Well, I found something beautiful in the blogs, the concept of a blog, an expression of the author, a collection of thoughts. No matter what the passion - politics, cooking, gardening or even life. You name it it's out there.

So right now I can't sleep (husband snoring). I am thinking this is the thing to do. Perhaps a mistake, perhaps a very good decision, time will tell.

I have this need to express myself, though it would seem more natural to just give my thoughts to a journal with pencil and paper for only me to see. For some reason putting it out on the web makes it real...valid. Makes me own my words, have some sort of accountability for my intentions. Seems silly, but true. I want to explore myself and if I find I get a few comments along the way to help in my journey so be it.

Perhaps though this will still be just for me....a collection of thoughts in my own words.