inching my way back

Apparently I've taken an unsolicited internet break. It's not something I had planned on doing, it was just something that happened. This week my minds been heavy and I haven't really had anything to share. In truth, I'm not even sure I do now, but for whatever reason I am inclined to write. I actually had to go back to my blog to remind myself what was the last thing I wrote about. I didn't realize it had been a week since I blogged, and yet I did know because I haven't really stepped foot in my studio all week. I mean, aside from helping Megan with her Susan B. Anthony biography report, I haven't touched my computer. I'm just now importing photos from this past week and reorienting myself with my machine.



So what have been doing with my time that I usually use to post? One word, reading. Escaping into someone else's world so I didn't have to think about the heaviness in mine. Do you ever do that? Of course often times reading just gives me more to think about. I love it when a book teaches me, inspires me, or in this case simply reminds me to keep moving even if it's only an inch at a time.

These two quotes have been on my mind since I heard it while listening to Cutting For Stone. I enjoy the productivity that can be had while listening to a book, but have decided the downside to it is 1) you don't get to smell the book and 2) once I'm done I have to search around for all my randomly placed slips of notes.

"The key to your happiness is to own your slippers, own who you are, own how you look, own your family, own the talents you have, and own the ones you don't. If you keep saying your slippers aren't yours, then you'll die searching, you'll die bitter, always feeling you were promised more. Not only our actions, but also our omissions...become our destiny."

"She died chasing greatness and never saw it each time it was in her hand, so she kept seeking it elsewhere, but never understood the work required to get it or to keep it."

Have a fabulous weekend everyone and thank you thank you friends for helping the heaviness ease.

xo

Dare

I started reading The Artist's Way this week and when the author said, referring to the assigned weekly tasks, "in choosing which half of the tasks to do, use the guidelines, pick those that appeal to you and those you strongly resist....remember, in choosing, that we often resist what we most need.", I laughed out loud and knew I had been given the right book to read. I resist. That's what I do. I resist.

For instance, when I'm offered a list of items to complete, let's say my own to do list, I will always start with the things I find easiest, the things I want to do, not necessarily the priorities. I resist doing the things that aren't as enjoyable and push them aside until I can't stand seeing them in red anymore and either change the date, yes I do that, or finally get them done.

Do you resist?
Why do we resist?

I think it's simple. The things in our life that are the most meaningful are usually the hardest for us to do. We need them, but it's hard so instead of facing it head on we overlook it and hope by ignoring it, it will eventually go away. When really if we would accept the challenge and let it change us we would be better for it. I know this to be true, however, knowing doesn't make it any easier.

If we have two doors place before us and door 1 is presented as something we've done before, something we've already proven and we know how to do, and behind door 2 is something new, intimidating, work, and perhaps uncomfortable...which door would you choose? I'd like to think I'd choose door 2, but most the time, if I'm completely honest, I'd choose 1. I'd go for what I already know because let's face it, it's easy and simply put, comfortable.

My friend Hannah shared on her wall this week, "the person who doesn't make mistakes is unlikely to make anything."

That really hit home with me. A glaring reminder that mistakes are not the problem. The not doing and not trying...that's the problem. No mistakes means there's no creating and no progress. Relationships, art, sports, daily living, you name it...get messy. They all at some point reach a stage where you either stay stagnant or get messy and move forward. Without the mistake how would we ever know what we're capable of?

We have to choose between being comfortable and being uncomfortable. One of the reasons I chose to focus on "choose" this year is to remind myself that my life is under my control. If I'm not progressing it's because I'm walking away from an opportunity. I'm resisting the very thing I need the most.



I have dreams, ideals that I have not yet reach, but I believe dreaming is the easy part...making your dreams come true is the real challenge. I think that's what they mean when they say, dare to dream. Are we willing, do we dare, to do what it takes to make them come true?

It's been far too long that I've resisted my "creative" inner voice. Honestly I can't be sure exactly what it's telling me. I know what direction I'd like to go, design, but I'm letting my lack of knowledge and confidence in this area stop me from moving forward. I'm resisting because I just don't know.

So I'm looking forward, admittedly with a little trepidation, of making my way through the Artist's Way. It's an intense 12 week course that the authors says, "will make you excited, depressed, angry, afraid, joyous, hopeful, and, ultimately, more free." Does that statement scare me? Yes, yes it does, but it scares me more not to try and become the woman I want to be.

xoxo,
amy

saturday goodness

When I woke up Saturday morning I had no idea what was in store us. I figured it would be a day full of shuttling kids back and forth from violin practice to soccer games, when in fact it was the moments in between those two events that shaped the rest of our day.


It started with bagels, of course, like all things start for Adam and the girls on Saturday. It was enjoyable to sit back and watch them, they're pros at it now, each of them ordering for themselves with confidence. This is a new side to bagel day I hadn't seen before. They are growing up.









After dropping Bella off for her violin rehearsal at the Conference Center we decided to stay downtown until Bella was done and after I realized Megan's game wasn't until 1pm it seemed like the perfect plan. We took Tess and Megan to Memory park to walk around, but what I didn't realize is how busy it would be on a Saturday morning. There was family after family and engagement couples running around every where getting their photos taken. In fact there were even people waiting in line for certain spot. It was craziness, but fun to see so many cameras milling around the park.










I enjoyed getting another round of fallness...hope it stays for a little while longer.

Afterward we still had about 40 minutes so we decided to take the girls to one of our old haunts when we were downtown dwellers...Sam Weller's bookstore. It's a quaint little store with a great selection of new, used, and rares books. It smells like what I imagine the forgotten books from the book The Shadow Of The Wind smelt like. Delightful. I was happy to hear both Megan and Tess complaining when it was time to leave.







This part of the day seemed brief, but it's exactly what we needed to make an okay Saturday into a great one. I need to remember it doesn't take much...and to think, I almost didn't go.

xoxo,
amy

creative wednesday | week 3

I started my creative day making a duplicate of the earrings I made last week. One for myself and then one to sell (I will add it to etsy when I can take a decent picture), a necklace to match, and another pair of earrings (I don't want to share just yet because I have someone in mind for them). It was about the time I was finishing up the last pair of earrings that it occurred to me, Christmas is just around the corner...I better start fulfilling my orders for the gratitude journals before my work gets mixed up with the holiday craziness.



So I spent the rest of my time double checking my design and printing copy after copy of the book. In fact my printer is still going. Crazy how long just that step takes. It involves coming back to the computer about every 20-30 minutes reloading paper, checking the printing, printing the reverse side, etc. But I am thankful for this one easy step because the real work is ahead of me. I'm not complaining though, I enjoy making them and knowing they are going to be enjoyed by someone for a whole year gives me enough incentive to spend my time making them.

I'm hoping to make some extras for my etsy shop, but that will all depend on my timing. I'll keep you posted when I have some available for purchase.

xo, amy

**Did you do anything creative today?

weighted days

I've watched a family in my neighborhood in the last four years go through some of life's biggest changes. Once they were a young family of five and one by one the boys have grown, gone on missions, come home and gotten married, and created a home for their new families. I've watched the parents go from a house full of teenage boys to an empty nest.

I can so easily, frighteningly so, see my future as I watch them transition from one life into the next. Adam and I, the girls, we are on this path and there is no turning back. We will one day get to this place and I'm grateful that I won't have to get there anytime before I am ready...I hope.

Watching them though, it does make me so queenly aware of the passing of time. In the book Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about the Balinese concept of "rubber time". She says, "One day to [a Balinese] isn't necessarily composed of twenty-four hours; sometimes it's longer, sometimes it's shorter, depending on the spiritual and emotional nature of that day." And this is my favorite part, "sometimes you count the days, sometimes you weigh them."

When I read it, it made all kinds of sense to me. Yes, of course. Time shouldn't be measured in hours, weeks, and years. Time should be measured by moments and experiences.



This evening, remembering what it was like to be smashed onto the couch, sweating under the blanket, getting battered by Megan's flailing legs, the way Tess and Megan called for Bella because they didn't want to read the book without her, hearing the laughter from my three girls as Adam read and entertained them the way he does has stay with me long after the moment has passed. Yes this moment was quick, but it was full of weight and the emotion allows it to linger on, and in that sense, it appears to move through time slower.

I love where we're at right now...every piece, every part. If I could reach out and stop time, just for a bit I would, but I can't, so I go with what I know...I can never get enough of these moments. They sustain me and keep me whole, and I didn't understand til now it's because these experiences are full of weight and meaning. There bigger spots on our time line and are what tie the other pieces of our life together to make our complete story. I believe it's that completeness that will help me be ready when the transitions come because I'll know I was there, I was present, and I have the memories to remind me and help keep me moving forward.

xxox,
amy

thoughts on a friday afternoon

I'm in my studio deep in thought, watching the birds outside my window ravaging my cherry tree like it's purpose of bearing fruit was for them. Now I understand why one day I look out and see delicious cherries growing on the tree and the next day they're gone. Even though I wish there were some cherries left for me I do love to see the workings of mother nature.

Mother nature did a number on me yesterday and helped keep me in bed feeling lazy. I can't blame her completely, I wanted it, I really did and I could take it because my girls were at Jill's house so I had all morning for me. I started reading Eat Love Pray by Elizabeth Gilbert, thanks to my friend Amy who suggested it and lent me her book. I'm enjoying it so much the hours in the morning got a way from me and before I knew it, it was lunch time. I'm a bit mad at myself for deciding years ago that this book was not for me. I'm not sure what I was thinking, I suppose I listened to the wrong reviews, but I was never interested in this woman and her stories from her travels around the world. Perhaps I wasn't ready years ago, but I'm ready now.

Her words speak to me and NOT because I want to change my life the way she did or run out and find answers in other lands, but because she figured out what she wanted and didn't let anything stand in her way to get it. (Please don't get me wrong when I say that, I don't agree with all she did, leaving her "good life", being so self destructive, and having it be all about her. I don't think you ever truly find happiness by being selfish. With that said, I can't judge her for the decisions she made and the place she was in when she made them. So when I said, she figured out what she wanted and didn't let anything get in her way I'm referring to when she made the list of things she wanted and moved on from there.)

Anyway, I've been thinking about that lately, what I want. And not in the grand scheme of things, I know that, but in the small day to day activities/experiences that will help me become the woman I want to be and take me where I want to go. For instance, reading more biographies, volunteering at my girls school, going to the temple several times a month, learning Spanish, going back to school and learning design, taking a lighthouse tour on the east coast, etc.. For a long time I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted, but now I have a clearer understanding. So I know the what, it's the how that seems to almost be the bigger question and a very easy road block to put the blame on because if I know one thing, it's knowing doesn't make it any easier.

When we know, why do we hold back? I think because changing is uncomfortable. It's safer where we are and frankly we know what to expect. It takes a lot to evaluate your life and have the courage to take a leap of faith and do what almost doesn't feel natural. It's always worth it though. Whenever I find myself on the far side (operative word) of change, I'm always grateful I made the difficult choice and pushed through to the other side because the blessings are far greater than if I had stayed (so easy to say when you are not going through it).

After all, we are meant to change, we are meant to move.

**Have you made a list of things you want?
**Have you made a bucket list? (i still need to sit down and do this)


Now for a harder question...what's for lunch?

Enjoy your weekend.
xoxo

Happy Birthday Jill!

random thoughts on a spring break saturday morning

-I feel slightly bad everyday I hear about the weather back home and know that I'm enjoying delightful spring like temperatures. I'm so glad I didn't stay in town to face the snow. It would have been completely depressing to spend spring break indoors.



-It's been so nice having nothing I "have" to do and have been able to find time to read. I'm almost half way through The House At Riverton and am really enjoying it. It's too bad I won't be able to finish because when I get home I probably won't find time for a while. I have a bit of anxiety thinking about what's waiting for me at home. I've been pushing it out of my mind since last night.
-Speaking of last night Chris, Amy, Adam and I went to see Clash of the Titans. UGH. What a disappointment. I wanted to see it because I grew up watching the original. Loved the original. It was a love story, but unfortunately the 2010 version is based on revenge, however, that isn't what makes the movie lame. Right now, I can't put my finger on it, but I was instantly bored and could have easily walked out. What a waste of an evening without kids.
-Megan slept with me one night and instead of getting out of the bed on her side where she wouldn't disturb anyone, she rolled over me, got right in my face and said, "good morning mom", and then ran out. Got to love their enthusiasm for a new day.
-I've been running in the mornings since I've been here and it's harder than I thought it would be. Another reminder when you don't keep up with something you loose it so quickly. It has been nice though and beautiful watching the sunrise and enjoying the spring color. I will miss the blossoms and green grass. Hopefully it won't be too long before it looks like that at home.
-I'm really looking forward to General Conference today and tomorrow.
-I've really enjoyed hearing the kids from a distance play together. Right now they're playing house and going to school. Megan and Estee are fighting over who gets to take what to school and I'm hearing a lot of "It was mine. I had it first." and Tess is stepping in trying to make everything good again. I find it very endearing.

monday miscellany

-It's been a cleaning day today. Love Mondays.

-I never mind cleaning days when I'm listening to a book. I've been listening to Cutting For Stone by Abraham Verghese. I started it last summer and never finished, not sure why. I'm quite enjoying it today.


-Bella had a birthday party at the local rec center Friday after school. The highlight of the party for me was when the 7 year old named Dillon crashed the party. We were passing out pizza to all the girls when I noticed a strange boy sitting at the table ready and willing to eat. I asked him if he was suppose to be at this party and he said, "Yes, my mom dropped me off". I was laughing so hard about it I just couldn't kick him out, plus he was so insistent that he was suppose to be there. It's funny, it took a long while for Bella and her friends to notice him. Once they did they asked him if he was going to a girls or boys party. He said, "boys". As soon as he said it you could see something in his brain click. He scanned the room and realized it was a "girls" party. His face went bright red and ran out of the room. Good thing he got his fill of pizza first.

-Nothing like letting the fresh air in to help clean away the weekend. I am savoring these spring like days while they last. I hear it's suppose to snow tomorrow. :(


-Now that I have 3 hours a day to do my shopping when I need to take kids with me it's a wonder how I was able to do it all those year.


-I was sent the WC brochure in the mail last week. I have to say it was pretty creepy/crazy seeing my name in print, however, I am feeling a little more excited about it.

FYI for those of you who want to come to my class and my class only. I found out that unless you purchase a ticket through me you will need to purchase a day ticket which is $25. I am more than happy to get you a ticket for my class only I just need you to 1) email me, including your name and address & 2) send me $9 before March 31 (I will send a reply email letting you know where to send money). The tickets will be mailed to me and I will send it by mail to you. Now I don't believe these tickets guarantee you a spot. I can't imagine the class will fill up, but I know if it does they won't let you in so allow time for parking/walking.

monday miscellany

-It's suddenly quiet now. The giggling little girls left for school and I'm finding I'm missing hearing their laughter in the distance.

-I need to know, how can loosing 1 hour make it feel like you've lost 8? I woke up this morning knowing I slept fabulously, but didn't feel rested. Instead I felt like I was making myself get out of bed at 2am. I noticed that even Adam and the girls were effected so it wasn't just me. Looking forward to my body adjusting to the time.

-I do, however, love the light in the evening. I don't enjoy loosing the light in the morning, but man do I love feeling like there's more time in the day.

-I started The Forgotten Garden last night and wish I hadn't. It captured me right away and it's all I can do not to steal away on the couch and read the day away.


-We celebrated Adam, my father-in-law Tom, and Bella's birthdays at our house on Satruday evening. Bella didn't know until a few hours before that we were celebrating her birthday as well. It was funny to see her anticipation grow even though she was already so looking forward to all the cousins coming. FYI she is the best person to give gifts to because her reaction make you feel like you gave the perfect gift...and it's usually true.

-I keep getting these strange phantom itches on my ear lobe. I still can only feel part of my left ear and absolutely no feeling on my ear lobe (not a surprise, I was told that would most likely happen). Anyway, my ear keeps itching, but when I go to itch it I can't feel it so there is no relief. It's maddening.

- I feel slightly guilty about blogging right now. I'm suppose to using these few hours while everyone's gone working on WC. I spent a good 6 hours yesterday working on it and retyping what I already have because I lost my file. Don't ask me how. Lucky for me, since it's already happened once (loosing my talk), I've been in the habit of printing it out when I leave the computer. So glad I did.


I went to lunch with my friend Dani last week, even though I wasn't expecting it, she bought me lunch for my birthday. It's always so hard to try to make lunch dates fit, but decided if you really want something you find a way. It was so good to see her, she the type of friend who always comes with a smile on her face and always makes you feel loved. Thanks for a great afternoon Dani.

-One of my new favorite things: when a bill comes in the mail, particularly a medical bill, and it says I owe $0.00.


Last Monday night for FHE we had an art lesson. The girls have been drawing a lot lately so Adam decided to give us all a lesson on vanishing points and perspective. It was very useful to me as well. It was a huge hit with the girls, in fact I've never seen them pay so much attention, even Megan kept from talking.

outing

If I could freeze time it would be now. Today with my little family was perfect--as perfect as I think it can be. We spent the entire afternoon together and there was no fights, no crying, no whining, no one saying I'm tired or bored. Everyone just happy to be together tooling around town before we headed to a birthday party.

Our day took us to Barnes&Noble, it usually does. Our normal routine is the girls make their way to the kids section while Adam and I pick out a few books of our own to look through and then we meet back up. This time the girls found the "little miss" books and Megan was thrilled to see that she", little miss chatterbox", was actually in them. That surprisingly provided lots of entertainment for her.



For me the best part was being admits the action, but being consciously aware of how good it was. More than once I looked over at Adam and said, "I'm loving this day. It's so good right now." he agreed. It's so enjoyable to see how excited my girls are to find something new and then eager to share it. Bella and Tess spend sometime in the juvenile section looking for books they're interested in while Megan read about reptiles with her dad. I love that they're readers and once a book is finished that they're excited to move onto the next adventure. Bella wanted Percy Jackson book #5, Tess is anxious to start Diary Of a Whimpy Kid, and Megan well, she was pretty fond of Little Miss Chatterbox.




[Tess and Bella were showing me Diary Of a Whimpy Kid and how the book is full of sketches. They found one of his baby brother and they couldn't stop laughing...it caught on.]

The best part about taken self portraits is you never know what everyone else is doing. You hope they don't know a picture is being taken so they are natural. Looks like it was natural. We definitely all had a good laugh.

gratitude journals are ready

After all day in my studio I am finally done with the gratitude journals. I will have them posted on my etsy site tomorrow morning most likely around 10am. Because of the interest I wasn't able to do orders so they are first come first serve. I hope you like them.

Thanks to those who were interested in buying them. It was a lot of work, but I enjoyed it immensely.

miscellany

the guts of the books are all done now (printed, folded, punched, sewn, glued) and I'll be spending most of my day working on the outside so I can get these to you next week. I am waiting for a shipment of book board (I ran out) to come in and found out it won't be arriving until the 13th. So even though I'm ahead of schedule, it will most likely be Friday that they make it onto etsy. I will let you know though.


Painted with Hannah, Jenica, and Amy again Thursday night. We worked on our word for the year canvases. Here's a glimpse of what I was working on. Whenever I get together with other woman I realize why we need friends in our life. There's just something about the ease in which a conversion flows with girls and the importance of shared confidences and inevitable laughter that stays with you long after you've gone home.


Because I went painting Thursday night Megan woke up Friday morning wanting to paint with me. I guess there's something way more fun about using mom's paint and mom's brushes. She made a "butterfly flying in the fields" and I just messed around with layering paint on a small 5x7 canvas. For me it was just all about being with her and watching her explore.


Adam's been talking to me about painting our room for the last month or so. I've been against it because he wanted a ginger color and I just don't want to do any type of red (I've done it before and wasn't a big fan). Wednesday he told me he wanted to paint it this gray color that I love. I was excited as we really do need a change, but admit to being apprehensive when I woke up Friday morning and saw all the white patches covering the walls knowing he was getting ready to make good on his promise to paint. He got started on it this morning and I absolutely love it. It's much darker than before, but it's definitely what I had in mind, I don't know why I ever doubted. He's got a couple more Saturdays of painting to go, but so far it's marvelous. I'll definitely post pictures when it's done because we also plan on adding curtains and different lamps. I love how changing just a little can make such a huge difference.

Have a great weekend.

gratitude book interest?

I've had a lot of inquires the last 5 days about whether or not I'm going to make more gratitude books. I've been considering it, but because the year has already started I wasn't sure if you'd still be interested. It would take me at least 10-14 days to get a bunch made so please email me or comment if you're interested in one. I'm selling them for $35.

thanks,
amy

**Please keep in mind if the demand is high I won't be able to make them all so for now it will just have to be first come first serve. I will of course let you know when I'm putting them in my etsy shop.

handmade

I didn't make as many gifts this Christmas as a I did last year, but what I did make I was so excited about. I've been thinking a lot about gratitude the last few weeks. How feeling grateful actually changes your attitude which in turn changes the way you see life. So with that on my mind I decided to make gratitude journals that would help keep you thinking about gratitude all year long.





It was more of an undertaking than I thought, designing it all from scratch, but one of those projects for me that didn't seem like work at all. I created the book layout in Indesign. Here are my initial notes. I had to work out each individual signature (group of pages) before I could begin to lay it out. I told Adam there must be a program out there that does this for you, but didn't have the time or patients or money to go looking for it.



quote from book:

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow. - Melody Beattie



You can't really see it so clearly in the picture, but each page has three days and a place to write 3 things your grateful for from that day. It was definitely a labor of love and hope Adam's sisters and mom will enjoy them this coming year.

And because I loved the way they turned out so much and the concept that I decided to make an extra one to sell. I know I'm cutting it close with the new year starting this week, but seeing as they were gifts I couldn't share this information until after Christmas. If your at all interested go here to see it in my etsy shop.

Have a great day!

30 minute thoughts

I've been thinking about my new years resolutions this week and seriously considering adding giving up sugar to the list. I believe it's the cause of my headaches and it definitely slows me down in the afternoon. I guess I just need to see if it makes a difference when it's absent from my diet. I'm not going to rule it out completely, I'm fine with dessert or foods with some sugar in it, I'm mainly thinking of candy and all the sugary snacks that have been around lately. Have you ever tried to give up a food? I'm scared.

I'm celebrating the fact that I'm done making/buying Christmas gifts. Ok, I do actually have one more to get, but then all that's left is the wrapping...that is if I can find all the gifts. I put them in so many random places I forget where and just when I think I've wrapped them all I'll remember another. I need a better system.

I'm feeling peaceful. After my anxious week last week it's such a welcome gift.



I'm reading when I shouldn't be. Despite our busy schedule these days we've managed to fit in visits to the library. I've been on such a reading kick these days, such a bad time to start that too, all because of Hunger Games. I had it on hold at the Library and it finally came in so even though it's December and I have a list a mile long of things I need to do I'm finding as much time as I can to read. I guess that's what the wee hours of the night are for. I really love being in that place where you have a good book going and then another and then another and then another. It's crazy, I haven't turned on my TV the entire month.

I'm rescheduling my CT scan to find out what this lump is on my neck. It was suppose to be today, but after registering with the hospital yesterday and finding out it was going to be $800 I canceled it. I considered not doing it at all ($800, that sucks), but I have to find out what this is. So, after all was said and done, I figured if I'm going to use my deductible I should use it in January and not December. At least then if I have to get something else done the insurance can take care of it.

I'm looking forward to crafting my way into the new decade. I received, Martha Stewart Encyclopieda of Crafts last night at our annual bookclub book exchange (Ann brought it). It's crazy what a project funk I was in this year, I don't know what happened. I really want to push myself this next year to do more in my studio. I've missed it.

I'm listening to the quiet and gearing up for it to start getting noisy.

spt - eight ...a book

It's the smell that gets me every time. When the door opens and the distinct smell hits me, it has this calming effect on me. It makes me smile. Even when I wasn't a reader walking into a book store felt good to me.


[although "eight" is not a book i would read or am drawn to when i saw it on the shelf i knew i needed to use it for spt this month.]

I love the aisles of stacks and stacks of books, how easily you can get lost in there all afternoon.
I love the unique design of each cover (actually I dream of one day getting the opportunity of designing a book cover).
I love searching for the one book that could just be my new favorite.
I love selecting several books and finding a comfy place to browse through them.
I love the crispness of a brand new book and sifting through the pages, again taking in the smell.

I think part of the reason I am so fond of books & bookstores is because I associate them with Adam. Going to the bookstore has been a part of our routine since the time we were dating. Instead of dinner and a movie often we will do dinner and spend the rest of the evening at the bookstore. Having books in the home has, from the beginning, been important to him and so they became important to me. I thank him for having such a love of books and for sharing it with me, it's hard to imagine my life now without a book in my bag. We are both hoping this same effect will carry on to our girls that being surrounded by them, they too, will be drawn to them.

today i...

- took Megan to the dentist to find out why her gums were swollen.
- forgot my sunglasses and was fighting the blaring sun the whole time.
- finished spending my itunes gift certificate from Christmas by buying Been a Long Day by Rosi Golan.
- took back a pair of boots I loved because the heel was too high. I towered over Adam and I just couldn't do it.
- got repeatedly hit in the head with a kitty balloon (can see in photo below) Megan got at the dentist.
- helped Megan sort through a box of clothes.
- was asked to do a photoshoot for a ballerina.
- left the house with frosted flakes crushed on the kitchen floor.
- spent a few minutes vacuuming up said flakes when I finally got home from all my errands.
- bumped into my friend Dani at Taipan, a home decor store I claim to never go in because it makes me so uncomfortable (I'm so bad at home decor). I was there looking for a cheep serving platter and yes, I was dying to leave.
- had lunch with Megan.
- hit myself in the head with the visor because I thought it was attached when I went to lift it up. It hurt.



- Megan declared, "I'm in paradise" while sitting on pillows in a target shopping cart.
- finished The Reader and this quote really stood out to me, "the truth in what one says lies in what on does." So so true.
- made a delicious pesto pasta for dinner.
- was asked by my friend to watch her three kids (ages 7,4,2) for 2 days at the end of the month. I'm really glad she asked because she doesn't get a lot of family help.
- heard Bella practicing her violin without any reminders from me.



- took this picture (above)
- had a big handful of chocolate covered pretzels and felt guilty about the 3rd and 4th handful.
- sat and held Tess while she had an emotional cry. Between her and Megan we are in big trouble when actual hormones hit.
- after the cry we read Judy Moody & Stink: The Holly Joliday by Megan McDonald together.



- finally finished this layout I started in November for the Design Your Life class. I'll have to share what I've done so far, but I stopped working on them at week 7 because I was working on Christmas gifts.
- read scriptures with my girls.
- saw a mouse in my backyard running on the snow. Yikes!
- watched Rules of Engagement Adam rented at Netflix.
- set my tivo to record 24 this coming Sunday.
- wrote in my journal
- got a babysitter for tomorrow night.

the other side

I'm been at home today alone, thanks to Jill who invited my girls to sleep over since Adam's been gone all week, and I was faced with the question, "what should I spend my day doing?". When the kids are gone it's always a question of how can I spend my precious time. I had lots of ideas, but decided to spend the day at home cleaning my studio. I know that sounds crazy to do when you're kid free, but it's really what I felt like doing.

So after lounging in bed, like I love doing on Saturday mornings, I got up and started. I was going to put on music to keep myself company, but then decided I would start The Last Lecture since I've had it on my computer for quite some time. I must admit, though I really did want to read it, I intentionally didn't get around to it because I was a little afraid. Of course I knew what it's about and I've even heard part of Randy Pausch's "last lecture" so I know how good and inspirational it is, but I was struggling because of his story. What his family has now gone through is one of my deepest fears and I just didn't want to make myself sad, but I knew it would make a difference to me, that there would be something meaningful to learn about life in his words.



So I started cleaning/organizing while listening to the book. I was so engrossed that my cleaning ventured out to the rest of the house, love when that happens, and found how grateful I was I decided to listen today. The first time I had heard his lecture I remember hearing him say, "brick walls are here to show us what we really want," I thought it was so profound and so true to life, but this morning when I heard it again I wondered what it was I was doing to climb the walls that have been put in front of me. On some of my goals I am doing a good job, I'm slowing making my way, but on others I'm standing there marveling at how tall the wall is. It occurred to me today that maybe I'm standing because I don't want it bad enough or is it that maybe the things that I wanted years ago just aren't that important to me now or aren't the best for me where I'm at? Something to think about.



Speaking of thinking, I'd like to say lately I've been thinking about life, but if you've read my blog for any amount of time you know I think about life all the time. Perhaps it's an unhealthy amount, perhaps not. I try not to think about it in those terms and just realize that I'm a thinker and I've been working hard these last few years to channel my thinking into doing. But for what it's worth, living has been on my mind. Living everyday. Living without regrets. Living in the moment. I've been trying really hard since last year to focus on letting go of the things that don't matter and putting my energy into focusing on things that matter most. And you know what, it has been a hard climb, but I'm starting to see the fruits on my efforts and what a impact it has made on my life. The content feeling I get on a regular basis is palpable and getting up, facing the day, and putting on all my different hats is something I look forward to. I sadly couldn't say that a while ago, but I guess that can be a good thing because now I know how good it feels to be where I'm at. And I don't doubt that another wall will find it's way into my path, but I do know that I'm unwilling to let something stand in my way again. I love life and am determined to live like I mean it.

hope you are all having a fantabulous Saturday.

left to wonder

I've been told before that my blog doesn't match me. When I first heard it I was surprised. Not offended just surprised. I guess I had never thought about it before, someone matching their blog, but once I started thinking about it I realized they're probably right...in a way.

I tend to think I'm a pretty enjoyable person to be around. I guess not always, I mean we all have our days right, but on the whole...enjoyable. So when I'm in a group setting with others I like to have fun, I love to laugh, sometimes I act silly, sometimes I'm loud. Yes, sometimes I can get myself in trouble with my unfortunately tenancy to blurt, I do apologize for that, and other times, no, always I love just sitting and chatting. So when someone visits my blog and finds heavy material I think they're expecting to find a heavy person on the end of it and when they meet me in person I surprise them. To tell you the truth, I kind of like that.

I wish I could write funny or lighter, but I can't, I don't know how. Instead I'm inclined to write my thoughts and as you've witnessed I think a lot. Unfortunately, my thoughts aren't always what others want to dwell on or think about themselves, but I can't help it. When I'm inclined to write it isn't about what happened to me today (I guess sometimes it is), but it's mainly about how I'm feeling. Like for instance my post on motherhood. It's a reoccurring theme in my life, that I don't feel like I'm the greatest mother, and it was something I had to get out so I could move away from. Sadly I know I'll have to do it again, which leads me wondering...what I should and shouldn't share on my blog? Do they really want to know how I feel? Is it appropriate to share what I'm going through? I mean I realize it's often hard to comment on a heavy post so it always leaves me wondering what you could be thinking or if you understand me at all?

This week I haven't known what to say because I've been full, my mind has been full. I found myself finishing The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger with tears streaming down my cheeks. It left me missing Adam, needing Adam, fearing loosing Adam (in the death way), and pleading with God to never take him from me. Certainly not the best way to spend ones time, but I felt sort of paralyzed in my thoughts especially knowing that I have no control over my future in terms of when someone dies. It's just, I know we have an eternal marriage and that we'll be together forever, but this life, this one opportunity we have been given here to prove ourselves I don't want to do it without him. Sigh. It took me some time, quite a bit of time, to remind myself it does nothing to worry about something I have no control of, but I need to spend my time focusing on what I can do. So I focus on us and making us the best we can be. Making each moment count and being grateful for what we do have together.

flowers given to my by adam last week

So for me wanting to try even harder on my marriage I am grateful for the book, but I've decided I really need to read something funny right now or at least take a small reading break (It seems I've read a lot of heavy stuff lately and I need to laugh). I wasn't in love with the writing and got sort of bored in parts of the middle, but I am intrigued by time travel and the love story that was woven in between. I've decided that a good ending can trump a mediocre middle so yes, I did like the book. I will put out a warning though...this book, like Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, has harsh language at times and a few inappropriate scenes.

Do books often throw you for a loop? Do you ever wonder whether or not you should share something on your blog?

extrememly loud

I just finished reading Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer. I heard it was excellent, but hesitated to read it after hearing it was so much like The History of Love. I really liked that book and didn't want to ruin it by trying to make a comparison.

Now all I have to say is I'm sorry I didn't read it sooner. I loved it. I thought there were so many reminders about living. Apparently this is how I judge a book, by what I take from it and how I can apply it to my life, however, this book was much more than just a simple lesson. I felt I related to the characters...each one fighting to get their life back and enjoy it despite what they felt was taken away. Somehow I understood why they took one path over another, even though at times I was disappointed with their grief. Yes, even I can see how holding onto something can slowly, bit by bit, take you away from living.

"You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness." - Jonathan Safran Foer

A simple, but poignant lesson I learned years ago, but remind myself today how wonderful it is to feel. I remember thinking if I could just run away from the sadness, if I could just keep from having to go through experiences that hurt, but found happiness ran away with it. You cannot hold your feelings hostage one without the other. I regret so much the time that has been wasted trying to hide, so many moments lost in fear. Now I do my best to live each day present and allow myself to feel because feeling keeps me real.

Other quotes from the book I loved:

"Why are you leaving me?
He wrote, I do not know how to live.
I do not know either but I am trying.
I do not know how to try.
There were some things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So i buried them and let them hurt me"


"Sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living"