missing one

It's just been the four of us for the last few days. Seems like it's been the four of us for a while now since Adam's been traveling almost every week. It's such a strange departure to what his schedule normally is at work it's beginning to wear on me. It's not that I'm frustrated by his going or that I can't be the only parent for a few days, it's just not seeing him each night as we're winding down the day is, well, sad. I miss him.

I realized something though, this time around, the girls and I not only hold the fort down we have a good time doing it. Once they're home from school we get all the unpleasantness out of the way, like homework, then we play. We make dinner together, take walks, play games, or maybe watch a show. Whatever the activity we end up doing it together. It's like we're all keeping each other company until we're all together again. (Once I write it all out it doesn't seem different than any other day, but I guess there aren't a lot of playdates and friends coming over so they're spending that time with me.)

It's 8pm, the kids are up, and were anxiously awaiting Adam's arrival. We're leaving to pick him up in just a few minutes so the house is all a buzz when normally I'd have 3 already in REM.

ok hate to cut it off there, but we've got to go!

xo, amy

no growth without change

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is a way to transformation." -Elizabeth Gilbert

I don't remember reading that quote in Eat Love Pray, but when I saw the movie last night that line jumped out at me and I found myself thinking about it long after I went home. So it was no surprise to me in church today when all the talks had something to do with change. More specifically how there is "no growth without change".

When the speaker said those words I looked over at Adam sitting on the stand and for the first time in while, felt hope. Adam and I have been feeling disconnected for awhile now. It started slowly enough, like all things do, and then one day you wake up and realize we are missing and I'm left to wonder where did we go? And how did we allow us to get here?

I thought it was a phase, in fact, I think we both did. We were comfortable being comfortable and didn't really want to deal with the changes we were up against. Because really, we both know how much work and heartache goes into breaking down and building up. The thing is we both knew we could no longer run away and the only way for us to grow and progress and continue on the path of closeness was to go head first into the belly of the beast and work on what we had both been struggling with.


[april | 2010]

Those conversations are never easy, but it is much easier when both parties are open to it, and we were. We found time today to talk and listen. To once again reconnect and begin to rebuild. It is never an over night fix and I'm the first one to admit talking never gets you any where, but it is our start and now we're on our way to the growth and change we both know we needed.

This has been a hard year for me and I'm just now beginning to realize it's because I've resisted the need to progress and move beyond the point I came to years ago. I'm changing. That's a good thing. I repeat to myself, that's a good thing.

xxox,
amy

us

Bella is listening intently to what Adam has to say about the Mayan's, we're watching Cracking the Mayan Code, while Megan is stuck to my side doing her best to talk over her dad in attempt to get her two cents in and Tess is somewhere in her own world.

i love us.

the rain

It has been raining the last two nights. Raining isn't even the right word...more like pouring. Yes, it's been pouring. It's the kind of rain you want to run outside and play in. The kind of rain you get drench after only being outside for a few seconds. The kind of rain that brings with it big bursts of thunder and lightening. The kind of rain that's beautiful to watch.



I distinctly remember the storm on Megan's 2nd birthday, sitting in the doorway watching the rain fall so hard you could see it race down our hilly street. Tess, hidden under her sheets, was the only one not with us...watching (she was for a few minutes, but couldn't take the sound).



Megan sat on Adam's lap waiting for her party to start showing him what the sound of the thunder was like and as quickly as it came it left. It's amazing to me just how loud a thunderstorm can be and even more amazing how, like a light switch, it turns off completely and all your left with is the damp earthy smell.

Monday night was one of those nights. We had just come from making a few visits around the neighborhood and the rain started. We made it inside before we really got it, but just barely. With everyone in their jammies we opened our double french doors and watched the rain come down cozy on our bed. After the girls left us for the night Adam and I sat talking the rest of the evening until the rain decided to stop or else we got too cold...I think it was the later, at least for me. It wasn't what you would call a deep conversation, we just talked about life in the jobs, kids, & stories kind of way. He made me laugh as he always does and I like to think I got him too.

I'm beginning to think the rain has a way of gathering us all together. When mother nature does her thing we all want to be apart of it in our own way. I guess this is our way. Gathering in the safety of our home enjoying the sights, the sounds, the smells...together.

my catalyst

I have been thinking a lot about my husband today. Thinking about what a great man I have supporting me, loving me, pushing me to be the best I can.

Last night we sat on our porch and talked for about three hours or so. When I say "talk" I don't mean chit chat, I mean we had a conversation about us, how we're doing, and what we could do better. In fact this is a regular occurrence for us. We have this beautiful open relationship where we can speak freely (in a constructive manner) about our thoughts and concerns.

I haven't always been the best communicator. Actually I stunk. Partly because it's hard. Opening up a problem just means you have to face it and I was so good at hiding and pretending. Hoping that the issue would resolve itself and go away. Of course it never does and it inevitably gets worse. Sometimes he exhausts me and I fight it, but I have always been so grateful for his patience and willingness to teach me this invaluable tool. I have come to see through our (almost 10 year) marriage just how powerful communicating can be.

Of course sometimes too much communication about any subject can be damaging. I mean I feel all too often that I'm facing the problem just because I talked about. This is the part I need major work on...the follow through. Just doing it. Taking all that I now know and putting it into play. I struggle with this, not because I don't want to, but because I am lazy or its hard or.....I suppose I could go on and on. Really there is no good excuse. He deserves a good wife. I deserve a good husband. We both deserve to be loved and that should be enough reason to work hard on us.

He makes me want to be a good person. He makes me want to be the best person. He pushes me to make decisions, which I am so bad at, which I need. He pushes me to feel. He pushes me to think. He gives me love. He gives me hope. He respects who I am. The best part...he loves who I am. And I love him for it.