new home

Home is one of those words that brings up a lot of meaning for me. It's a physical place. A tangible place where you live, where you come back to at the end of the day. In contrast home is also a state of mind, a feeling in your heart, a drawer full of memories, a place of gathering for those you love.



There has been a lot of shifting this past year as we’ve moved from one home to the next. The weight of the change could have fallen on me quite hard if it hadn’t have been for this one constant — HOME. Gratefully we experienced a seamless transition between each move because we were there together. My family brought the feeling of home, not the structure itself. It’s definitely true what they say, “home is where the heart is”.

And so the shifting continues...

I have a new home to share with you -- an online home.

This has been a long time coming (I’ve been working on it off and on since July 2013) and I’m excited to be able to share it with you today. It’s definitely not 100%. There are still kinks to be worked out, my portfolio to fill, and posts to format, but I decided if I didn’t just do it now it was going to be another year before I rolled it out and I wanted to start 2015 off with a blank slate so to speak.

Fresh starts have always been synonymous with starting over and beginning a new and that’s exactly what I need. My intention for my new space online is to be present, connect, and share what I love and what I learn through this journey called life.

Thank you to those of you who have stuck with me through these last couple years of drought.

Welcome to my new home, amygretchen.com

fives steps....

I believe this list was called the plan of life in five, but I can't be certain. I just know I liked it enough to not want to forget it.



01. Come to earth to grow

02. Can't grow without change.

03. No change takes place without conflict.

04. No conflict is solved without sacrifice.

05. All sacrifice creates some kind of pain...emotionally, spiritually, and physically.

no growth without change

"Ruin is a gift. Ruin is a way to transformation." -Elizabeth Gilbert

I don't remember reading that quote in Eat Love Pray, but when I saw the movie last night that line jumped out at me and I found myself thinking about it long after I went home. So it was no surprise to me in church today when all the talks had something to do with change. More specifically how there is "no growth without change".

When the speaker said those words I looked over at Adam sitting on the stand and for the first time in while, felt hope. Adam and I have been feeling disconnected for awhile now. It started slowly enough, like all things do, and then one day you wake up and realize we are missing and I'm left to wonder where did we go? And how did we allow us to get here?

I thought it was a phase, in fact, I think we both did. We were comfortable being comfortable and didn't really want to deal with the changes we were up against. Because really, we both know how much work and heartache goes into breaking down and building up. The thing is we both knew we could no longer run away and the only way for us to grow and progress and continue on the path of closeness was to go head first into the belly of the beast and work on what we had both been struggling with.


[april | 2010]

Those conversations are never easy, but it is much easier when both parties are open to it, and we were. We found time today to talk and listen. To once again reconnect and begin to rebuild. It is never an over night fix and I'm the first one to admit talking never gets you any where, but it is our start and now we're on our way to the growth and change we both know we needed.

This has been a hard year for me and I'm just now beginning to realize it's because I've resisted the need to progress and move beyond the point I came to years ago. I'm changing. That's a good thing. I repeat to myself, that's a good thing.

xxox,
amy

the first day of the rest of my life

I've been anticipating this day since the beginning of summer, well, in reality if I'm being honest with myself, this day has come and gone in my subconscious for about 5 years now. I think the first few times I was home crazy busy with three little kidlets I wondered what it would be like with them all in school. My thoughts have been all over the board, one way I'm full of apprehension and the other excitement.

[bella 5th grade, Tess 3rd grade, & Megan 1st grade]

I admit I thought it would feel differently walking away from the elementary alone, kidless for the next 6 hours. I thought I would feel free or sad or a little of both. What I found was walking away from the school alone was the most natural thing in the world, and I guess that's exactly what it is...natural. Each year since Bella was 3 and started pre-school our schedule has changed and the amount of time they've left me for has increased with each one. Where I am today has definitely been a natural progression, we should be here, and so it just feels right.



Perhaps it's not quite hitting me yet, the fact that this is my new reality. That my days will be open to my schedule and not theirs. It's a weird concept after having someone underfoot for over 10 years to no longer have a shadow. I'm sure in a week or so when all the excitement has died down that being alone all day will hit me and then maybe I'll feel the full weight of our new life. I know one thing for sure...I have a lot of plans for myself, projects to keep me busy, activities to keep me moving in the right direction. I definitely want these six hours to count and be meaningful.

For now though, I am grateful to feel like everything is aligned and everything is as it should be.

xoxo,
amy

thoughts on a friday afternoon

I'm in my studio deep in thought, watching the birds outside my window ravaging my cherry tree like it's purpose of bearing fruit was for them. Now I understand why one day I look out and see delicious cherries growing on the tree and the next day they're gone. Even though I wish there were some cherries left for me I do love to see the workings of mother nature.

Mother nature did a number on me yesterday and helped keep me in bed feeling lazy. I can't blame her completely, I wanted it, I really did and I could take it because my girls were at Jill's house so I had all morning for me. I started reading Eat Love Pray by Elizabeth Gilbert, thanks to my friend Amy who suggested it and lent me her book. I'm enjoying it so much the hours in the morning got a way from me and before I knew it, it was lunch time. I'm a bit mad at myself for deciding years ago that this book was not for me. I'm not sure what I was thinking, I suppose I listened to the wrong reviews, but I was never interested in this woman and her stories from her travels around the world. Perhaps I wasn't ready years ago, but I'm ready now.

Her words speak to me and NOT because I want to change my life the way she did or run out and find answers in other lands, but because she figured out what she wanted and didn't let anything stand in her way to get it. (Please don't get me wrong when I say that, I don't agree with all she did, leaving her "good life", being so self destructive, and having it be all about her. I don't think you ever truly find happiness by being selfish. With that said, I can't judge her for the decisions she made and the place she was in when she made them. So when I said, she figured out what she wanted and didn't let anything get in her way I'm referring to when she made the list of things she wanted and moved on from there.)

Anyway, I've been thinking about that lately, what I want. And not in the grand scheme of things, I know that, but in the small day to day activities/experiences that will help me become the woman I want to be and take me where I want to go. For instance, reading more biographies, volunteering at my girls school, going to the temple several times a month, learning Spanish, going back to school and learning design, taking a lighthouse tour on the east coast, etc.. For a long time I wasn't sure exactly what I wanted, but now I have a clearer understanding. So I know the what, it's the how that seems to almost be the bigger question and a very easy road block to put the blame on because if I know one thing, it's knowing doesn't make it any easier.

When we know, why do we hold back? I think because changing is uncomfortable. It's safer where we are and frankly we know what to expect. It takes a lot to evaluate your life and have the courage to take a leap of faith and do what almost doesn't feel natural. It's always worth it though. Whenever I find myself on the far side (operative word) of change, I'm always grateful I made the difficult choice and pushed through to the other side because the blessings are far greater than if I had stayed (so easy to say when you are not going through it).

After all, we are meant to change, we are meant to move.

**Have you made a list of things you want?
**Have you made a bucket list? (i still need to sit down and do this)


Now for a harder question...what's for lunch?

Enjoy your weekend.
xoxo

Happy Birthday Jill!

summer of change

I knew when I married him or at least shortly after that Adam was a nomad. He doesn't like to be in the same place for too long. He likes to shake it up always inching his way closer to our dream home where I am promised we will live out the rest of our days. He's all about getting uncomfortable for the sake of bettering our lives. I admire him for this, though I don't easily share this same philosophy. Being uncomfortable is well...uncomfortable.

I knew this house we bought 4 years ago was not the end of the road for us, but I thought we had an understanding that the next time we moved it would be dream house time (so I'm thinking 15 years away). Well, Adam found his dream house for an attainable price Thursday, June 4th and that's where the talks began. He asked me to go see the house with him and I flat out refused and left it at that. There was no discussion, I just said, "No, sorry I won't. I don't want to move." Saturday he asked me again. At that point I knew, I just knew his search had begun and he was ready to move on. I went. It was magical. It's hidden in a canopy of trees. I could see the girls growing up there riding their bikes along the tree covered driveway. I could see the summer nights spent out on the porch talking. Laughing. I could see that the old busted house could be made into something amazing.

Still...I don't want to move. I love my house. I love what we created. I love my neighborhood/neighbors. I love the schools. I would have a hard time walking away from it.

With that said,



our house is on the market.

I can't tell you how hard that decision was and what it did to me the first time I saw that sign in my yard. My heart broke. Needless to say my first week of summer was consumed with getting my house ready for photos and showing to possible buyers. According to Megan the clouds were not the only thing crying all week. I joined them. I listened to a lot of mellow music. I changed my mind and begged Adam to keep our home until he said "ok" only to back down already knowing we are doing the right thing by selling. Maybe I just wanted to know that he'd be willing to give up moving for me. He would. I know he would because he is the reason I agreed to it. I see the wisdom in it. The market right now is ripe with opportunities. This move could be very good for my families future, but ultimately when it came right down to it, after taking all of my feelings and desires into consideration, I love him and if this is what he wants I am willing to do it.

So we're getting uncomfortable. We're going to see what happens. If our house sells we'll move. If not, we'll stay. Either way we'll be together (the 5 of us) so it doesn't really matter where we end up...even though it sort of does. :)

a mind game

I've always believed, after all heaven knows I can't count the conversations I've had with Adam or the talks I've listened to about how your head creates your world, but it wasn't until yesterday on my 7 mile run that I really knew that life is a mind game.

It's a really nice concept to say, if you think positive you are positive, if you think happy you will be happy, but much harder to actually implement in your life. I admit all the times I've heard this over the years I've thought, yeah this is a good idea, I'm sure it works, it make sense...yada yada yada. I know I've had experiences in my life where I've seen this concept at work, but yesterday it just clicked and I guess that's what it takes, at least for me, to learn/change.

As I ran I had a never ending dialogue, I can do this, this is easy, and I'm feeling good. There were times when the road ahead seemed long, but I constantly pushed myself and put those thoughts in the back of my head and kept going. On the home stretch, unfortunately I was running an incline (not intentional when mapping my course), I pushed myself hard to get up fast and when I rounded the corner I saw the gray buildings near my house that indicated the end of my run. Interestingly enough, at the moment I saw the end I felt a definite physical change in my body. I was exhausted, I wanted to be done, and I let those feelings influence me and my body started to shut down.


[thanks Crystalyn for the beautiful flowers]

Not surprisingly this lesson was reiterated to me at church today when we discussed how God wants us to bear our afflictions cheerfully (1 peter 4:12-13). We're all going to go through trials in this life, so if it's inevitable why not change our attitude? I remember at conference hearing the story of the woman crossing the plains with her children. During her journey, for whatever reason, one by one she buried each of them in the ground and arrived having lost everything...it was her faith that kept her going. I believe if she had let those feelings of despair in, she too wouldn't have made it.

Yesterday I proved to myself that life really is a mind game. I told myself I could do it and I did. Our minds have the power to shape our attitudes for good or bad and that attitude is what determines how we see our course. Today the girls asked me to play house with them and although I really didn't want to, I did, happily. That attitude change made all the difference and I ended up having the best time. Hopefully this is a lesson I will not soon forget.