photobooth

"We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big differences, that we often cannot forsee."
~Marian Wright Edelman


a funny note about these photos: we went to the mall a few days before thanksgiving and happened upon a photobooth which we were all drawn too. after we jammed ourselves inside (not easy to do) ready to pay our $2, we realized it wasn't working. leave it to mom to save the day--i pulled out my camera and we took pictures ourselves.

Dare

I started reading The Artist's Way this week and when the author said, referring to the assigned weekly tasks, "in choosing which half of the tasks to do, use the guidelines, pick those that appeal to you and those you strongly resist....remember, in choosing, that we often resist what we most need.", I laughed out loud and knew I had been given the right book to read. I resist. That's what I do. I resist.

For instance, when I'm offered a list of items to complete, let's say my own to do list, I will always start with the things I find easiest, the things I want to do, not necessarily the priorities. I resist doing the things that aren't as enjoyable and push them aside until I can't stand seeing them in red anymore and either change the date, yes I do that, or finally get them done.

Do you resist?
Why do we resist?

I think it's simple. The things in our life that are the most meaningful are usually the hardest for us to do. We need them, but it's hard so instead of facing it head on we overlook it and hope by ignoring it, it will eventually go away. When really if we would accept the challenge and let it change us we would be better for it. I know this to be true, however, knowing doesn't make it any easier.

If we have two doors place before us and door 1 is presented as something we've done before, something we've already proven and we know how to do, and behind door 2 is something new, intimidating, work, and perhaps uncomfortable...which door would you choose? I'd like to think I'd choose door 2, but most the time, if I'm completely honest, I'd choose 1. I'd go for what I already know because let's face it, it's easy and simply put, comfortable.

My friend Hannah shared on her wall this week, "the person who doesn't make mistakes is unlikely to make anything."

That really hit home with me. A glaring reminder that mistakes are not the problem. The not doing and not trying...that's the problem. No mistakes means there's no creating and no progress. Relationships, art, sports, daily living, you name it...get messy. They all at some point reach a stage where you either stay stagnant or get messy and move forward. Without the mistake how would we ever know what we're capable of?

We have to choose between being comfortable and being uncomfortable. One of the reasons I chose to focus on "choose" this year is to remind myself that my life is under my control. If I'm not progressing it's because I'm walking away from an opportunity. I'm resisting the very thing I need the most.



I have dreams, ideals that I have not yet reach, but I believe dreaming is the easy part...making your dreams come true is the real challenge. I think that's what they mean when they say, dare to dream. Are we willing, do we dare, to do what it takes to make them come true?

It's been far too long that I've resisted my "creative" inner voice. Honestly I can't be sure exactly what it's telling me. I know what direction I'd like to go, design, but I'm letting my lack of knowledge and confidence in this area stop me from moving forward. I'm resisting because I just don't know.

So I'm looking forward, admittedly with a little trepidation, of making my way through the Artist's Way. It's an intense 12 week course that the authors says, "will make you excited, depressed, angry, afraid, joyous, hopeful, and, ultimately, more free." Does that statement scare me? Yes, yes it does, but it scares me more not to try and become the woman I want to be.

xoxo,
amy

weighted days

I've watched a family in my neighborhood in the last four years go through some of life's biggest changes. Once they were a young family of five and one by one the boys have grown, gone on missions, come home and gotten married, and created a home for their new families. I've watched the parents go from a house full of teenage boys to an empty nest.

I can so easily, frighteningly so, see my future as I watch them transition from one life into the next. Adam and I, the girls, we are on this path and there is no turning back. We will one day get to this place and I'm grateful that I won't have to get there anytime before I am ready...I hope.

Watching them though, it does make me so queenly aware of the passing of time. In the book Eat Pray Love, Elizabeth Gilbert talks about the Balinese concept of "rubber time". She says, "One day to [a Balinese] isn't necessarily composed of twenty-four hours; sometimes it's longer, sometimes it's shorter, depending on the spiritual and emotional nature of that day." And this is my favorite part, "sometimes you count the days, sometimes you weigh them."

When I read it, it made all kinds of sense to me. Yes, of course. Time shouldn't be measured in hours, weeks, and years. Time should be measured by moments and experiences.



This evening, remembering what it was like to be smashed onto the couch, sweating under the blanket, getting battered by Megan's flailing legs, the way Tess and Megan called for Bella because they didn't want to read the book without her, hearing the laughter from my three girls as Adam read and entertained them the way he does has stay with me long after the moment has passed. Yes this moment was quick, but it was full of weight and the emotion allows it to linger on, and in that sense, it appears to move through time slower.

I love where we're at right now...every piece, every part. If I could reach out and stop time, just for a bit I would, but I can't, so I go with what I know...I can never get enough of these moments. They sustain me and keep me whole, and I didn't understand til now it's because these experiences are full of weight and meaning. There bigger spots on our time line and are what tie the other pieces of our life together to make our complete story. I believe it's that completeness that will help me be ready when the transitions come because I'll know I was there, I was present, and I have the memories to remind me and help keep me moving forward.

xxox,
amy

sunday thought

There was a time when church was hard for me, when it felt like so much work to get everyone ready and out the door, when it almost felt like an obligation and not something I truly wanted to do with my Sunday. Instead of coming home uplifted and ready to tackle another week, I was worn out, frustrated that I hadn't felt the spirit. I can't say it was like that every singe week, but a lot of the time it was.

I hated feeling that way, not wanting to go to church on Sunday, when I know how strongly I feel about being a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. After praying and pondering about how I could find more meaning in my Sunday worship I received the answer that what I wanted was within my grasp and relied solely on me. The word attitude moved around in my head until I understood that my attitude towards going to church is what needed to change.

Since that day I've made a special effort to prepare myself & my mind each Sunday for worship. I pray each week that I know there is a reason why I'm going and ask that I'll know it when I see/hear it. I also take notes to help keep me focused and participate as much as I can. The result: I come home feeling edified and uplifted, I feel ready to tackle my week and recharged to face my struggles, but the best part, I come home knowing why I went to church that day. I will hear it in a lesson, a talk, from one of the primary children, or talking with one of my neighbors. Sometimes it's an answer to one of my prayers, sometimes it's recognizing a service I can do for one of my neighbors, sometimes I hear something I think will be valuable to one of my friends. Whatever the answer I always leave knowing why I was there and have a better understanding of my purpose.

It's another lesson to me just how much I can learn and grow by changing my attitude and seeking the guidance of the spirit.

Here is a quote from Elder Holland that stood out to me today. The entire talk, Lessons From Liberty Jail, is fabulous as well if you have some time and would like to read it.



"Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised, “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble." ~Elder Holland (Ensign | Sept. 2009)

Have a great Sunday.
xoxo

**************************************************************************

P.S. Just a quick reminder that tomorrow is the 12th and you know what that means...another month of 12of12. Looking forward to another summer installment. Happy shooting and remember it's never to late to begin.

no one perfect way...

"There is no one perfect way to be a good mother. Each situation is unique. Each mother has different challenges, different skills and abilities, and certainly different children...What matters is that a mother loves her children deeply and, in keeping with the devotion she has for God and her husband, prioritizes them above all else." ~Elder M. Russell Ballard

[self portrait | 8 May]

There have been many years where the weight of motherhood pressed heavily on me. I never felt like a good mother. Never felt I measured up to this sacred roll I was given. I've definitely grown a lot as a woman and mother these last 10 years. I'm not perfect, never going to be perfect, and I no longer feel the pressure that I have to be. I love my three girls completely and that love is what motivates me to do my best and keep going even when I think I can't. Bella sent me an email a few months ago asking me, "Is it hard being a mother?" It really made me think. I didn't know what to say so I told her the truth. Motherhood is the most challenging, yet greatest thing I've ever done in my life. I wouldn't change it for anything.

I am who I am today because of them and what they've taught me. Girls I love you more than words can express and I thank God daily that they're mine forever.

I love girls.
I love you mom.


Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there fighting the good fight!

muted version

The last four days have all been a little too much for me. I suppose all this home time, which normally I savor as much as possible, has given me more time to just sit and think than I've had in the last month or so. There's definitely something to be said for, keeping yourself busy. I didn't realize until this weekend how busy I've become so I didn't have to think about things that hurt on the inside.

It makes me think about something I read on Kelly Rae's blog a week or so ago, brave in sadness means sitting with our tender spots and vulnerabilities. it means facing the direction of our fear and inching our way through it to the other side. it means expressing our broken pieces with absolute courage, whether in writing, conversation, or art. it means seeing the light of possibility in our disappointments. it means giving our sadness a rightful voice, listening to it, and allowing it to birth experiences we need in our lives.

So it's what I did, "give my sadness a rightful voice". Unfortunately I didn't sleep well last night, but my early hour gave me the opportunity to get up with the sun. I ventured out of my house for the first time in days attempting to shoot away my mood. It's been far too long since I've been roaming around my yard looking for goodness and here is what I found...







and the b&w version because I couldn't decide


















I knew even in my vulnerable state that taking pictures would work. It helps me think clearly, brings me back to reality, and helps me remember what I have and what I've been given. More than anything I think I just needed a day to get it out, what I fondly call the crazy lady, and now I'm feeling myself again. Of course I'd love a little bit of normalcy (praying Adam, Bella, and I will stay healthy), and have hope that it's just around the corner.

april giveaway

“We can do no great things, only small things with great love.”
- Mother Teresa

When I heard this quote at conference a couple weekends ago it resonated with me and brought me back to the reason I chose the word give to focus on this year. When I was younger I always thought I would do big and important things, only to grow up and wonder where are those big and important things? The older I've gotten I've realized doing great things don't need to be big and loud. In fact, most often great things are done quietly, behind closed doors, and done with love.

I believe we can all do great things which can make a huge difference in someone's life...a difference we may never know. Think of what it feels like for a total stranger to give you a warm smile while you're in the middle of a very bad day or to get the mail only to see that there's a hand written envelope with your name on it or someone takes the time to comment on your blog post or a co-worker buys you lunch. It feels big and great and meaningful. Wouldn't you want to give that same feeling to someone else? I know I run this list through my head when I'm not in the mood. It helps me to remember how even small acts can mean a great deal to someone.

Sorry to get carried away in my thoughts, I guess it's just been on my mind lately. Without further ado on with my April giveaway. I'm giving away another set of 10 cards including envelopes.


here is the original photo. I feel like the picture of the card doesn't do it justice even though it printed beautifully.

You know the drill. If your interested comment. I'll post the winner Friday afternoon.

Good Luck!

edited to add: I meant to say Saturday afternoon I will post the winner. So you have til then.

one word

I hadn't really thought about my new word for 2009 until the last day of 2008. I laid in bed that night thinking about what I wanted to focus on for the next 12 months. I come up with several words (many words that some of you have already picked), but nothing really seemed to fit just right. I guess that's when I unconsciously decided not to worry about it and hoped it would at some point find me.

And it did.

Last Sunday while I sat in RS it was this quote that captured my attention.

The reason charity never fails and the reason charity is greater than even the most significant acts of goodness is that charity, “the pure love of Christ”, is not an act but a condition or state of being. Charity is attained through a succession of acts that result in a conversion. Charity is something one becomes. -Dallin H. Oaks

When I heard this quote I knew I wanted charity to be a focus of this year. I don't think I am a completely selfish person that never does things for others, but I do feel that condition or conversion Elder Oaks is talking about isn't something I possess either. I also realize Charity is a big word and not something you attain in a year, it is what Elder Oaks said, something you become.



So while making dinner one night last week the girls and I broke out in song singing, “Give, said the little stream” (I have no idea why). After about the tenth time through I realized that was it...give. I have been given so much in my life and want to focus this year on giving back. I love the part in the song that says, “I’m small, I know, but wherever I go the grass grows greener still.” I feel small in this big world, but I also feel like I have a lot to give. I want to give of myself, give of my heart, give of my talents, and give of my time. In doing so, I'm hoping to capture, if even a little glimmer, of what Elders Oaks is talking about and begin to really understand what it means to be charitable.

today i...

- took Megan to the dentist to find out why her gums were swollen.
- forgot my sunglasses and was fighting the blaring sun the whole time.
- finished spending my itunes gift certificate from Christmas by buying Been a Long Day by Rosi Golan.
- took back a pair of boots I loved because the heel was too high. I towered over Adam and I just couldn't do it.
- got repeatedly hit in the head with a kitty balloon (can see in photo below) Megan got at the dentist.
- helped Megan sort through a box of clothes.
- was asked to do a photoshoot for a ballerina.
- left the house with frosted flakes crushed on the kitchen floor.
- spent a few minutes vacuuming up said flakes when I finally got home from all my errands.
- bumped into my friend Dani at Taipan, a home decor store I claim to never go in because it makes me so uncomfortable (I'm so bad at home decor). I was there looking for a cheep serving platter and yes, I was dying to leave.
- had lunch with Megan.
- hit myself in the head with the visor because I thought it was attached when I went to lift it up. It hurt.



- Megan declared, "I'm in paradise" while sitting on pillows in a target shopping cart.
- finished The Reader and this quote really stood out to me, "the truth in what one says lies in what on does." So so true.
- made a delicious pesto pasta for dinner.
- was asked by my friend to watch her three kids (ages 7,4,2) for 2 days at the end of the month. I'm really glad she asked because she doesn't get a lot of family help.
- heard Bella practicing her violin without any reminders from me.



- took this picture (above)
- had a big handful of chocolate covered pretzels and felt guilty about the 3rd and 4th handful.
- sat and held Tess while she had an emotional cry. Between her and Megan we are in big trouble when actual hormones hit.
- after the cry we read Judy Moody & Stink: The Holly Joliday by Megan McDonald together.



- finally finished this layout I started in November for the Design Your Life class. I'll have to share what I've done so far, but I stopped working on them at week 7 because I was working on Christmas gifts.
- read scriptures with my girls.
- saw a mouse in my backyard running on the snow. Yikes!
- watched Rules of Engagement Adam rented at Netflix.
- set my tivo to record 24 this coming Sunday.
- wrote in my journal
- got a babysitter for tomorrow night.

a closer look

It's always around this time, as it is with most people, that I reevaluate my goals and make new ones or keep the old ones that are incomplete. It was a little discouraging for me to see many of my goals for 2008 go unfinished. Then I heard this quote on Sunday and it really struck a chord with me.

I do not believe that any man lives up to his ideals, but if we are striving, if we are working, if we are trying, to the best of our ability, to improve day by day, then we are in the line of our duty. If we are seeking to remedy our own defects, if we are so living that we can ask God for light, for knowledge, for intelligence, and above all, for His Spirit, that we may overcome our weaknesses, then, I can tell you, we are in the straight and narrow path that leads to life eternal. Then we need have no fear.

- Heber J. Grant (April 1909)

My brain works in lists and I much prefer to add something to my list so I can check it off and move on. I'm now realizing many of my goals are a process and can't just be check off a list and forgotten about. It doesn't matter how long it takes me to finish as long as it's something I'm continually working towards. So instead of getting discourage when I look at my list, I am now happy about the strides I've made this year (2008) and feel encouraged to keep on moving....keep on trying. For instance, I was hoping to be able to run a 10k by the end of the year. Unfortunately I am far from it, but I did start running and can now run for 10 mins, walking 1 min 3x (does that make sense?). So I am progressing and that's all that matters because we all work at different paces. And it may take me another year to work up to a 10k, but who cares how long it takes as long as I'm trying.



It's a shame some goals can't just be crossed off our list, but I believe it's the doing that makes the difference in helping shape us into the individuals we want to become. I have a lot of work to do and I know I could try even harder to do my best, but I won't let myself get discouraged. I have such a positive outlook on this new year...I feel like the skies the limit and that anything is possible.

Where ever you find yourself tonight when the clock strikes 12...be safe, have fun, and by all means have a Happy New Year!

note to self

"to the world you are person,
but to one person you are the world."

-unknown

I found this quote yesterday while flipping through one of my notebooks and it seemed to be the thing I needed to remember as I fought feelings of worthlessness. It's a hard place to be. A hard placed to come back from, but this quote really did give me perspective and reminded me that yes, I am loved. I am needed.

We all are.

Why is it so easy to be blinded by what's missing in our life to see all the good?

"These are little packets of light & you need to plant them early in the year & remember to mark where they were because lots of times they look like weeds in the beginning & it's not until later that you see how beautiful they really are."

~ Story People

What love we've given, we'll have forever.
What love we fail to give, will be lost for all eternity.

~ Leo Buscaglia

You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for people to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes.

- Winnie the Pooh

living each day

is what inspired me to create this.


another art journal entry.

Happiness cannot be traveled to,
owned, earned, or consumed.
Happiness is the spiritual experience
of living every minute
with love, grace, and gratitude.
- Denis Waitley

Whether our lives are easy, hard, lonely, full, sad, happy, or even complicated, we can live each day and make the most of what we've been given. No matter what it is we're facing I believe good can be found. We just need to be willing to open our hearts and eyes to see.

Hmm, now I need to make sure I remember that.

1 photo, 2 quotes, 1 question

1.


My sisters been in town the last few days which is why I've been absent. It's always nice to have her in town even for such a short little while (3 days). I miss her. I really wish she lived close to me.

2.

The Lord will seldom do for us what we can do for ourselves.
- L. Tom Perry

We will be required to do things we're not familiar with.
- unknown

Both of these quotes really hit home to me today and just wanted to share with all of you. It's certainly an excellent reminder of how we need to keep on living, doing, experiencing life. Most likely the things we are going to be asked to do will not be things we know how to do, but the uncomfortable state that will put us in is a good place to be...it means we're growing.

3. Question: Please share with me any mother/motherhood quotes you know and love? Thanks

Sunday inspiration & good mail

I know I have said this before, but I'm always so amazed and utterly grateful when someones thoughtfulness lands on my door. On Saturday I got a belated bday package from Michelle containing this very thoughtful beautiful book (left). It has tabs on the inside with my girls names on it where I can write things they do and say that I don't want to forget. It's something I've always wanted. Thank you so much Michelle your creativity always amazes me. I also got an equally beautiful creative shadow box frame from Jill last Friday for my birthday. I love how perfectly it goes with my room and the quote is awesome and something I'm glad I can remind myself of daily, "The privilege of a lifetime is being who you are." -Joseph Campbell. Thank you so much Jill everything you touch ends up beautiful.

I would like to leave you with one thought that really hit me today...

"I have learned that it is by serving that we learn how to serve. When we are engaged in the service of our fellowmen, not only do our deeds assist them, but we put our own problems in a fresher perspective. When we concern ourselves more with others, there is less time to be concerned with ourselves. In the midst of the miracle of serving, there is the promise of Jesus, that by losing ourselves, we find ourselves. (See Matt. 10:39.)

Not only do we “find” ourselves in terms of acknowledging guidance in our lives, but the more we serve our fellowmen in appropriate ways, the more substance there is to our souls. We become more significant individuals as we serve others. We become more substantive as we serve others—indeed, it is easier to “find” ourselves because there is so much more of us to find!"

Quote by President Kimball.

I love the last paragraph and had never thought before how doing things for others gives us more substance and consequently easier to find ourselves. We need each other to be all that we can become and the more we let us go, the more us we get back. Beautiful.