old photo

Since my HD filled up I've been looking through all my photos yet again figuring out what can be dumped. I happen to come across this one.



I'm not sure what it is, but I love this shot of us. I don't know whose taking it, Jill maybe, what we are doing, or what I'm smiling at, and I may never find the answers to that, but in this photo I see so much...I see the beginning of us.

It's funny what emotions are brought back by such a simple shot. The good times we had and the bad, the experiences shared. It's a good feeling to look back at us and see just how far we've come together, all the stuff we went through early on, how we fought to stay afloat in so many ways. How through love, understanding, faith, willingness, hope, and determination we find ourselves where we are today...happy, in love, and grateful for our commitment to us.

There is not a day that goes by I am not utterly grateful for this man. Grateful for our journey together and what we've taught each other. Grateful he will laugh about my quirks. Grateful for his patients and how he loves me with his whole heart. Grateful to know he will do everything he can to make my dreams come true. Yesterday I found this note in my studio waiting for me with some art supplies.


I cried as I realized, yet again, I've got everything I ever wanted...him.

I'm not sure, no, I know that I'm not deserving of him, but I am determined to give him back all that he has given me so he too can see his dreams come true.

an Alma inspired list

That would be the Alma from History of Love. It's no wonder I liked the way she wrote, I seem to write in lists a lot.

1. COMO ESTAS?

Bella and Tess are going to school 45 minutes earlier this morning to start their new Spanish class. I think it's awesome our elementary offers this to the students. I am hoping with the class and with Adam speaking Spanish to them it will actually help them pick up the language, but if not, it certainly doesn't hurt. They are both thrilled about it, but I can't decided if they're excited about the class or that they actually get to take it together.

2. APRON AKA BAKER

The apron was her dad's when he was a little boy and knowing that has her wearing it all the time. "I need my baker" is her constant reminder whenever we're cooking.

3. WHO EVER SAID EXERCISE IS GOOD FOR YOU

So this morning I woke up feeling, I don't know, well rested I guess, and thought I could go out running. I decided to go outside because I just can't stand the treadmill. Since my children were still asleep I ran around my house, I know it sounds lame, but there is a hill and a set of stairs so I thought it would be nice and challenging. Anyway, I was feeling pretty good, loving my music, so I ran down the street and back...boy was that a mistake. Seriously I thought I might die. I did make it up and back fine, but my lungs felt like I had TB, I could taste blood in my mouth, and was dry heaving all the way into my house. It took me at least 30 minutes to recover. The worst part is I still feel like I'm recovering. I have a cough that feels, well, like I have TB, my throat hurts, and I have a head ache. I'm pathetic. Guess I'll stick with Pilates from now on until I have the strength to try it again. Of course some good came out of it. While running back into my house I saw this

You know I love a full moon, but now, right now, I love the subtle I'm_barely_hanging_in_here_moon. It was perfect for how I was feeling at the moment.

4. FOR THOSE WHO WANTED A HOW TO

Etching glass is seriously so simple it's almost embarrassing to call it a craft, except I did come up with my own stencil. All you need is this, masking tape, and a stencil (they sell vinyl stencils, that I think you're suppose to use, but I made up my own with stickers). Just mask off the area you don't want to be etched and then apply the cream all over the negative space for around 5 minutes (check directions on bottle). Then wash it off and viola! Etched glass. One other thing, make sure to wear gloves and do it in a well ventilated room.

5. THE OPERATION CANNOT BE COMPLETED BECAUSE THE DISK IS FULL.

That was the warning I got Monday when I was trying to download pictures off my CF card onto my HD. I couldn't believe it, but I shouldn't be surprised, I have everything on that HD. So all day yesterday I was copying, yet again, all my photos to DVDs (I am just up to 2007 this take forever). Now I will have two copies of everything so I won't be afraid to delete from the HD. I hate to do it, but I just don't want to go drop a couple hundred dollars right now.

6. WHO EVER SAID HALLOWEEN CANDY WAS FOR EATING.

It's been a week now since Halloween and my kids really haven't eaten their candy. I would almost say they've forgotten they even have it. I don't understand this at all, I would have already had mine half gone, but I like it, that they are not ruled by this candy. Sadly, I'm hoping in a few weeks I can just throw it away like last year (I ended up throwing Bella's candy out around Easter).

7. GIVE AND TAKE

I've decided in my 7 + years of being a mother that sometimes I just need to give my girls the reigns and allow them to make the decisions. So when it came time to pick out Bella's new glasses I stood back and allowed her to choose what it was she wanted. I of course gave her options I could live with or that I thought looked good, but I let her do the rest. I could tell it made her feel grown up and more responsible, she sat in front of the mirror and studied her face for quite a long time. I have to say it was hard not being involved, these were not my first choice, but they were hers because of the flowers, she loved the flowers, and I guess that's all I really care about is that she's happy with them so she'll wear them. The best news of all is when the Dr. said her eyes are improving and my not need glasses in the future.

my new latest thing

One day last week I woke up and decided I wanted to give glass etching a try.

So I did.

delightful

Aug 2007

It's hard to look at this photo of my sweet little Megan and think she came up to me yesterday and said, "mom, my poo smells horrible!" I nearly lost it. Or the little one who ran from house to house while trick-or-treating yelling, "Happy Halloween!" Or when I asked her to show me where something was down stairs she said, "mom I just don't want to."

But I do see the little girl who wedged herself between Adam and I and said, "mom, love me too" or "I just want you". She is wild and crazy and speaks at one volume, loud, but she is tender, loving, and so delightful. She makes me life that much sweeter.

I'm spinning

This week has been a strange one (always weird to come back from out of town) and somewhere I feel like I've missed a day, which in turn has got me feeling like I'm playing check up. Laundry's calling my name, so is my house, Bella and her violin need me, dinner, ironing (yes, I iron now), yw assignments, exercise, etc. All and all I have lots I need to do, but instead I find myself prioritizing things that aren't as important like playing with a new toy, working on my OR album, or reading.

I've decided I get this overwhelming feeling when I am not making good choices. I have the guilt real hard. What I mean is, I know what I should and shouldn't be spending my time on so if I don't make the right choice I'm very hard on myself (I believe this is my reason for feeling like I'm going in circles this week). Really I'm fighting, fighting my strong nature to be selfish. I so hate this part of me and I try hard to push it deep down, but there are times when I just get frustrated and I don't care anymore and let the selfish side take over, do what I want to do, for me, and let everything else go. It is a vicious cycle, I know, and I wish I were better at not giving up when I feel that way, but sometimes, honestly, I just don't want to do one more thing.

Sigh.

It's hard to watch myself make progress and then fall two steps back. I keep waiting for it to get a little bit easier each day to make the right choice and each and everyday I still am faced with the same battle. I guess somethings just come easier than others, but it's hard to sit here wishing it was a different battle that I faced. Don't we all, right?

So today I am grateful for strengths and the little bit that I did do for those in my life I cherish. Here's to tomorrow. Starting fresh. To committing myself to doing what I should have done today, this week. In fact forget about starting tomorrow, how about now. I'll start now. You know I have found when I write down how I'm feeling, it all begins to make sense and I understand my frustration and always walk away refreshed and ready to tackle anything. Love that about blogging.

one more halloween photo to share from trick or treat last night.

Randy called this staging since I directed the kids under the light, but to me it was noticing a good opportunity and taking it.

It doesn't feel like Halloween today.

Is anyone else feeling this way? I guess with all the Halloween festivities last week it just seems like any other day that Megan is dressed up in a princess dress (she's been wearing her costume since 6:30am, yes this is when she got up) and one more busy night.







I dressed up this year! Fancy that. Sadly it's something I never do, it's not that I don't like it, but I certainly don't want to be the only one doing it and that would most definitely be the case. Last night was different though, we had our yw Halloween party (dress up) so I decided to play along with all the girls.

I wish the photo was better (horrible bg, entry cutting off my head), but I was running out the door to the party at the time and decided to take one since I won't be getting back in it tonight. Can you tell who I am? Yep, Princess Leia. Now if I could only get Adam to dress up as Han Solo.

Happy Halloween!!!

a getaway

Adam's at the gym and I'm sitting here miles away from home enjoying the quiet. I should have gone with him, but I'm feeling lazy and I want to feel lazy today. I've got nothing I have to do and it's been way too long since I've felt that way.



We're down in St. George for a few days. I specifically came down to help my dad with his computer, which I have done successfully by evidence of this post, and with Kathy's and Jill's generosity (each watching the girls for a night) Adam came along with me. He is making his way back today to pick up the girls and I'll be home Monday. So my break continues until then.

Last night we all went to Vegas.




It was my grand plan when I realized Adam would be coming with me for him to take me to Delmonico Stakehouse, Emeril's restaurant that I keep hearing about. It was, needless to say delicious and worth every penny, though I was full after they brought out the salad and wondered how I was going to eat my entree. We were also going to go to a Cirque Du Soleil show while there, but that would have gotten us home way too late so we opted just for the meal.

So I hope you're all enjoying your last weekend in October. It's so strange for me to think we're nearing, only a few weeks now, into the holiday season. To me it should already be November since we had our school Halloween parades, parties, and programs Thursday. Don't ask me why, it's the way it is and I can't do much about it. Anyway, I sadly had to tell Bella and Tess I wouldn't be able to go to their school parade or parties, since Megan's event started at the same time. It was a sad state of affairs with both looking at me totally disappointed, but what was I suppose to do? I thought it was best to go to Megan's since she was actually singing, see video, but then I realized Tess was singing too...I guess I can't win. I had my mom go to the parade so at least they saw someone they knew and just hoped I would make it in time for the program.


Luckily I arrived just in time to see the end of Tess' program. It's a bummer when things overlap like that and your unable to participate. I don't know what parents do with 6 kids to juggle around.

I'm off, but before I go one last little something I got for my girls. I'm not sure if they'll taste good, but man they looked so much like childhood I just couldn't resist. Found at FAO Schwarz.



Enjoy your weekend!

partner in crime

This is me today.

photo courtesy Tess

Not far from what it's like everyday...Megan hanging on me, while Tess, sitting across from me, actively coloring. That's what I'm doing here, coloring with Tess. I thought I could get away with working on something else while she colored, but she insisted we work on the same thing. I need to get that girl some photos and paper to play with so we can do the same thing.

Though I'm not a fan of getting hung on, I have enjoyed having this time with them. In my studio, creating with me, while I wait for laundry to dry and dinner prep to cook. I guess it's the next best thing to everyone napping, everyone doing something together that we all can enjoy.

spt - blk/wht

We all have things we don't like about ourselves, don't we? I mean I wish it weren't that way, but sadly I think it's true. Problem is with me the things I don't like don't go away when I convert to blk & wht. I see them looking back at me every time I look in the mirror. I feel them every night as I kneel down to pray for guidance to get it right and to do my best the next day. They're always there to remind me I'm not perfect and I don't have to be perfect. Life is for living, for learning from my experiences, for loving the crooked nose I was born with and being grateful for the health I enjoy each day. For embracing a messing room, an unmade bed, and dishes in the sink. For victories (even as random as can be), for accepting failures, letting go, and moving on. For doing, actively serving so as to find the woman I am striving to be. For being grateful for all that I have, finding good in the bad, and stretching myself beyond what is comfortable.

Life is for enjoying, living boldly and in color!
(of course blk&wht is good sometimes too :)

I am so proud of this girl.

Saturday she was a part of an huge Suzuki Celebration Gala with around 3000 young musicians.

taken with nikon coolpix

It's an event that only happens once every three years and she was very excited to participate. She worked hard to learn the songs and man was I proud of her getting out there and performing. She even gave me a smile or two while playing, which is so unlike her serious ways (I was very fortunate to be able to see her).

And then Yesterday at church she played two songs on the primary program, one of which was a solo. Watching her up there play by herself brought tears to my eyes. I never thought I would see her do that, play by herself at this age outside a recital. Can I say it again, I'm so proud of her! Afterward, everyone was congratulating her on how well she did and she even got several calls on the phone from ward members. You should have seen her face, she just lit up when she was listening to the messages.

I'm really grateful she had this opportunity because it truly helps boost her confidence and helps her to have a love for the violin. I believe it has been a love/hate relationship in the past, but now I can see it start to turn into something she enjoys doing on a daily basis.

I tried to upload a video but it didn't work...bummer.

wandering mind

Words for Everything was the title he gave his book and the last thing I read before my thoughts took over and my eyes closed.

That was this morning after I got my kids off to school and the thought of getting out of bed was just a bit too much for me. With Megan watching her show I got back in bed and continued where I'd left off yesterday in the book while at Bella's eye doctor appointment. I'm loving History of Love and would recommend it to anyone, even though I'm only on page 20 or so. I'm thoroughly enjoying the writing and the character, I feel he is someone I would like to know, and then I realize I'm surrounded by that generation and wonder what interesting lives my neighbors would have to share if only I befriended them. Perhaps I could know someone like him.

I told Adam to read the first page last night while I was making a fabulous fall dinner, homemade chicken noodle soup. He liked it so much I fear him taking if from me like he did to Lori so many years ago, he stole her book and by the time she got it back she had moved on to other things and never picked it up again, and yet, I would let him and understand if somehow the book went missing.

The busyness of this week is starting to take it's toll. It was Monday night, the last time I lay in bed talking to Adam as we were both drifting off to sleep. It was Monday night that I leaned over and kissed him goodnight, "I will see you Friday" were the last words he heard me say, me knowing full well it wouldn't be until Friday night that we would be in that position again, falling asleep next to one another. It's a comfort to me and even though it's usually me listening to him slow his breath down and fall into that happy place, being with him at night is something I must do before I let go of the day myself or else get up and enjoy the quiet house, which can be dangerous. I'm never good at putting something down and sleeping when I am not being needed every second. I need that time I guess, so I can be ready for what tomorrow asks of me.

I am rambling. I know. Honestly, I don't think I have a point. Just letting my mind wander and let it go where it will. Perhaps not the best thing for a blog entry, but then again, it is my blog entry...can't I ramble without a point? And yet, I know I can. And I will. I contemplate whether or not to turn off my comments because really what is there to comment about? But I won't. What if there is someone that wants to say hi for the first time or others that actually enjoy where this post is going. Ha, unlikely. So my curiosity will keep it up for good or bad.

Somewhere in the first 20 pages he, Leo, declares a random victory over anger (yes I'm back on History of Love). Instantly I felt connected to him. I admire anyone who realizes what needs to be changed or dealt with in their life and just does it. It is a process, a long process, but it can be done. I know there are people out there that think my RDV's (Random Declaration of Victory) are in fact not victories at all because I haven't gotten over them. For instance death. My death issues that have plagued my life since the time I was 16. I knew it couldn't go on, knew I was living a half life allowing that fear to exist, so I let it go. This was a big deal for me and a very hard thing to say goodbye to, as weird as it sounds, it sort of comforted me in a way. It allowed me to live a half life and sometimes that is desirable when you think your full efforts won't be good enough. I believe sometimes we hold onto things to make life easier, not because we can't let it go. Anything is possible with the Lord's help. I know. So I can read and watch and even talk about death and know it is a part of life. Wasn't it said once that death is our destiny? I think so because I remember being really freaked out by it. So even though I claim victorious and have started to live fully without the fear of it, I do fear, and I think this is where I am misunderstood. I don't fear death itself, I fear experiencing it again. It is a pain I never want to have to got through again as it rocked my soul to it's very core and felt a way I didn't know you could feel. Even with all that I know about the after life and being with our loved ones forever, you still miss. It still changes your life. And I know it will touch my life again at some point, I know it will hurt and suck, and I know life will continue on the way it does, except for me, I will be changed again. And I'm ok with that because it's my journey and to me that is victorious.

Wow, ok that I was not expecting, which I kind of like. It's therapeutic in a way to just let your mind go. I think I have reached my limit, or maybe it's just that I want to spare you, I sense I could go on for hours. I seem to be in a writing mood this morning. An exploration of self mood. Plus, Megan is now entertaining me with a cup of almost gone water and a straw...the noise is not recommended.

I am really liking today. It's a good happy reflective fall day.

enjoy,
amy

more thursday randomness

I came home from yw Tuesday night to this and some fresh baked chocolate chip cookies. He, of course, was already asleep, but his efforts did the trick...I felt loved and thought of.

I woke up this morning to all this whiteness. I'm not ready for the 30's just yet. I need the fall to slow down.

It was another successful book club last night here at my abode. Lori made these fabulous Halloween chocolate cupcakes, so very Martha Stewart. I just couldn't resist making it my banner for the next few weeks. Isn't she amazing with frosting?

Just had to share a recent favorite of mine. I was taking photos of little things around my home and Megan, in true form, was next to me lying on the floor waiting for me to cut her apple. As I walked passed her I shot it.

spt - comfort

This was a hard one because food doesn't comfort me. So I picked one of the things that does comfort me...creating.

Here I am this morning, enjoying a quite house while everyone is at school. I should be reading, need to finish Tipping Point for book club, but decided to do something comforting instead and work on a painting for my art wall project (thanks for the permission Lelly). It was very therapeutic while it lasted.

schedule changing

Those of you who know me well, know how much I love being home, how much I savor the non-scheduled time in my life, how I like to take things slow. Seriously what has happened? Yesterday I was reviewing the coming week and it occurred to me that my life has gone from semi busy to just flat out crazy busy. I'm not sure how it happened or when, but as I continued to look over the calender ahead I pretty much have something going on everyday and night, and I know with the arrival of the Holidays it will be just one thing after another.

Sigh.

Gone are the times that I make up my own schedule and my kids for that matter. Gone are the times where I could be in PJ's for most of the morning. Gone are the times of scheduling around a nap. Gone are the times where I could go days without getting in my car.

I knew this day would come, that one day I would no longer rule my schedule, that one day my physical weariness would change into emotional weariness (though right now I feel I am facing both), but even though I face craziness, I am determined not to let it run my life. I have been really trying to live the good, better, best rule since conference...reminding myself to evaluate what is the best use of time for me and my family. I think that has helped me to be ok with how busy life is becoming, hopefully making the best decisions for all of us and seeing the fruits of our labors benefit our life.

So life is crazy right now. I surprise myself by saying, I'm ok with that. Life changes, ebbs and flows...It is ok.

I've been actively working on

an album since last week about our lighthouse tour we went on last October. I guess I decided it was time I did something with all my photos. It's very different from what I'm used to, but still very much me. I'm excited about the way it's turning out and I'm almost done :) Here's a sneak peek...

And since I never did post about the last few days of my trip, sadly there were several photos I had never really seen until about two weeks ago, I'm posting a few of my favorite photos from the last several days of our trip.

Astoria, OR

Japanese Gardens - Portland, OR

overlooking Portland from the Japanese Gardens

everyday

well not everyday, she seems to be coming off her 3 years of taking naps (not happy about this change), we read a book, cuddle together on her small bed, and rest. If I'm lucky I get out of there without sleeping. I give it all I have to stay awake, seriously once you lay down it's so hard to get up. Of course the sheer heat of her and the fact that I get a bit of "me" time keeps me awake, enjoying her embrace, and watching as she falls asleep.

My favorite part...the way she hugs me around me neck, the little game we play with our eyes (you know, the fake sleep where she checks to see if I'm sleeping, and when our eyes meet we bust up laughing), and how she says, "mommy don't go".

This everyday ritual, I never want it to end, but since I know it will I hope we can find something else just for us.

today...

- is my busiest day of the week.

- I didn't sleep well. I'm doing much better than I thought I would and am proud of myself for not letting tired take over my day.

- Adam stayed home from the gym so I could get more rest.

- I volunteered in Bella and Tess' classrooms.

- I didn't check spt, but I will post my sp from last week that never made it up.

- I am grateful for a good book to read in the car while I wait.

- I ironed Adam's cloths for tomorrow.

- is my one and only sister's Birthday. Happy Birthday Jeni. I love you.

- Bella got a new violin, upgraded from 1/8 to 1/4 and thank goodness it only cost me $40 trade in fee. :)

love the way she's looking at it.

- I'm reviewing my conference notes and working on a lesson for Sunday.

- I ate a turkey sandwich for lunch.

- I found this

megan's self portrait

- I'm getting ready to go to young woman's with my clan since Adam is working late.

- I don't have to make dinner.

- I did a load of laundry.

- I've been listening to this and this

- I am content.

it is ok.

Last night seemed to be the culmination of a crazy roller coaster of a week, starting in a funk, which is never a good way say hello to a Monday, followed by an alright midweek, which turned sour yesterday, and then last night finding myself just plain angry so I put myself to bed a 8pm.

But before I attempted to sleep (attempted being the operative word), I walked around the house to make sure the doors were locked and closed all the blinds. As I approached the front door I saw a package sitting on my doormat. I half-heartedly picked it up, not usually like me with a package, assumed it was for me, walked it to my studio, then preceded across the hall empty handed to my bed.

I woke up this morning around 2:45am. I recall hearing one of the girls come into the room, at which point Adam and I lifted our heads, looked at each other, and then I realized it was going to be a long morning...I was up. I laid there for quite a while before remembering the package and realized it was most likely the new Ali Edward's book I had been anticipating (I enjoyed the last two so much I couldn't wait to get this one in the stores). So I got out of bed and started to read.

I love her Life Art philosophy and what it means to me about creating art, about creating the life I want, about living every moment, about telling my story. The first chapter is titled "It Is OK", a term I have read on her blog before and even seen on her cute little buttons, but somehow it didn't resonate with me until now. Somehow, somewhere it all made sense.
It is OK!

It's ok to feel.
It's ok to cry.
It's ok to let go.
It's ok to struggle.
It's ok to not be the best.
It's ok to not know what to do.
It's ok to laugh.
It's ok to need help.
It's ok to hope.
It's ok to ask.
It's ok to be honest.
It's ok to hold.
It's ok to not know.
It's ok to be scared.
It's ok to dream.
It's ok to give your all.
It's ok to love deeply.
It's ok to embrace the journey.
It's ok to grow.
It's ok to hurt.
It's ok to take action.
It's ok to just be.
It's ok to be me.

I didn't start the second chapter, instead just let my mind wonder until I found myself in my studio writing and creating.

I made myself a little something to hang up in my studio, as part of a wall of art I'm working on, to remind me it's ok. Life is beautiful and so are all the bumps, road blocks, and clear skies along the way...they make us who we are, who we ultimately want to become.

It is OK!

it's the way I see her

Have you ever seen a photo of your child or even someone you know and thought, that's so them, the photo captured them perfectly?

This is precisely how I felt when I saw this photo, it took my breath away. This is exactly as I see her and the way I always want to remember her.

And one of the three of us because it was a fun day riding bikes, scooters, and enjoying the fall while it lasts.

she was here

I came around the corner and this is what I found.

I love to see the evidence of the little ones in my life, but this, this was a new one for me and it made my day that much better.

SPT_Self Portrait Tess

early 2007

I found these photos of Tess while desperately searching for another photo from 2005, which I have still yet to find. I hate when that happens, but at least it got me searching because luckily I rediscovered these. I totally remember when she was doing it too (you can see part of me in the top rt). After asking me for sometime, I finally let her take photos with my point and shoot Nikon, which she still loves to do, and I must say I'm glad. I enjoy seeing the world from her point of view. Anyway, because the point and shoot has such a delay (don't you just love that), she set the camera on the dresser, clicked the shutter, stood back and did her thing. Perhaps it's just me, but these photos are just too funny and well, I love them because they're so her.

just in time for picture day

I should preface this post by saying it's pretty much for my benefit, stuff I don't want to forget, so bare with me.

1.


Bella lost her second tooth just in time for picture day tomorrow. I'm thinking it's much better than it was last week, one tooth just hanging there, but it would be nice to have something growing. I guess will see what smile she comes out with when the photos come back in a few weeks. Last year she didn't show any teeth, so we could be just fine.

and 2.


I finally got a photo of Megan giving me a dandelion. All summer long when ever she would go outside the first thing she would do was find a dandelion and request that I put it behind my ear. Something I always enjoyed, but never found the need to rush away from the moment to get a photo of, today I got it...frumpy hair and all.

6 keys = more responsibility

one is to the building
one is to closets C & B
one is unknown
one is to the copy room (apparently most coveted)
one is a master key to every room in the building

Yesterday I was official set apart for my new calling in my church. It came to me as a shocker even though it's not much different than what I was doing before. Still in the young woman, but now the first counselor. Like I said, it's pretty much the same thing I was doing before (except the teaching, which I am still doing until I get replaced) with just added responsibilities that I'm still trying to wrap my head around. Because we have two wards that make up our yw program, the president comes from one ward and the 1st counselor from the other so the first counselor, now me, is acting president for my ward (as evidence to the keys). Only meaning I go to every meeting the president would normally go to for my own ward, yikes, but luckily I am really not the woman in charge.

I am glad I already know the girls and that I'm not getting thrown into this cold turkey. It will be an easy transition and I'm excited to work more closely with the presidency, a group of woman I already call my friends.