When I first realized it was just us the small feeling I carry with me, every holiday, every time my family gets together became overpowering. It's a feeling I am much to familiar with, but still not at all comfortable facing. The overwhelming feeling of incompleteness that has been with me for the past coming on 15 years next week. The constant void. It's thick. Dense. To the point where I feel I can almost reach out and touch it. How badly I would love to push it aside, but I hold it close as not to loose it.
A few days ago when I thought about it again I realized why most of the time my sister was in town I had been haunted once again with the question about adding to my family. I'm chasing to fill that emptiness I have. Somehow I think if my family was bigger I wouldn't be as affected by these feelings. I am smart enough to know that is impossible mostly because I don't want to let it go. As unhealthy as that sounds to the Psychologists out there, I would rather hold on than forget.
So I embrace it. Thank God each day that I have it. And live to remember what I had and what I will one day have again.
11 comments:
Amy, I really can't imagine. I think palpable is the ideal word to describe this sensation. I also don't think its unhealthy to hold onto it, rather than forget.
Much love.
I get this hot sinking feeling whenever I have thoughts of the possibility of losing someone dear to me. I can't imagine, like Tasha, having these feelings become "palpable"--but I can imagine that even that pain is better than nothing.
So sad that a gathering of all your family brings those palpable feelings of pain. I think it's a sign of introspection that you've made the connection between your loss and your wonderings about having more children.
Amy,
You put my feelings after I visited with your family into words. Cried that night because of the thick, dense feeling I felt. I just love your family, but how do you stop feeling sad afterward? I guess the hurt that one feels only reflects the love that one lost. You are part of an incredible family Amy. Love ya.
I think there is no "right" way to deal with things like this. If it's a comfort to hold onto it, then that's what you do to get through it. Feelings that bittersweet are hard to share, I'm glad you did.
Amy, you have such a way of describing such heartache. A way I would have never thought of to describe such a loss in your life. I agree, this is a very healthy way of holding on, especially with our beliefs, there is no reason not to! My thoughts and heart are with you.
I don't know what to say. I think it's cool that you got to spend time with your family without spouses for once since that's so rare, but totally understand how you would all be feeling the void Alan's death left.
I can only imagine how that would feel, and how the ache to have another child would be there from it. It is touching that you share it all here. It seems like such a bittersweet feeling. I am so sorry Amy.
It is strange, but after my cousin died there was always an empty seat at the family parties. No one did it, it just happened. It has been the same thing every family party for the past 14 years. Maybe, because like Alan, it was a tragic death of someone WAAAY too young to be gone.
I think it is something that will always be there, always haunting you. I'm sad the pain hasn't subsided a bit, but it sounds like each of you lost a piece of...something when Alan died. Although- Alan would probably be happy to see your family still together getting together to do things he would have loved to be apart of.
it really goes to show that our families are always a part of us no matter what. i wonder if holding onto him with that feeling is almost your way of always remembering him, instead of forgetting. it must leave one longing though, to always have an empty space for someone you miss so much.
I don't know what to say really except that keeping it palpable maybe is a way for you to fill in the void in a sort of tangible way. I think those special souls that have such short stay on earth are beyond extrordinary and have a rightful place next to our heavenly father because that is where they can shine the best...I think sometimes in their honor we should do what they would most want us to do in the situation...probably live the best life you can possibly do--I also think that these feelings flourish up when you are with family because that is how he left you all as a family
Post a Comment