19 years

I woke this morning, the 19th anniversary of my brother's death, to a full heart. It wasn't one of sadness, rather I had a lot on my mind. My good friend's brother died last week and she has constantly been in my thoughts and prayers. I am devastated for her and her family knowing, to some extent, what she's going through. It's interesting, this experience with my friend, has given me better perspective and I'm left feeling an overwhelming sense of gratitude. Grateful for God's plan that I will see my brother again. Grateful time heals. Grateful for an eternal family. Grateful to have had the opportunity to know him. He truly lived an amazingly full life in his 18 years.



While I sat in front of the computer this evening looking over images of him with my girls, I shared and celebrated with them the person he was. This was not the first time I've done this, but it does seem no matter how much we talk about their uncle Alan they always have another question to ask. I told them how he use to tease me, how he made me laugh and even cry. I told them how he looked after me and the times he included me in his fun--and boy did he know how to have fun. I told them how he had a testimony in Jesus Christ and how excited he was to serve a mission. I told them how he was compassionate and loving and good.

He always lived life to the fullest--never worrying about tomorrow and fearing nothing. I will forever be grateful for his example in my life.

christmas tradition

"I held him close for only a short time, but after he was gone, I'd see his smile on the face of a perfect stranger & I knew he would be there with me all the rest of my days." -storypeople


We don't really talk about the hardness of it all anymore. We can all feel the weight of the emptiness when we're together. His death forever changed us and we've all had to find our way through to the other side. Interesting how when you get there the hurting stops, but the void is ever constant--you never really are whole again. So instead we share stories and remember him they way he was.



















Each year going to the grave in December, sharing a bit of Christmas with him, is healing. Most the time it's a bit chaotic with kids helping/playing in the snow, but I know it's exactly what he would want. He was a bit rowdy himself or a lot rowdy and imagine him loving how our family has grown. This year we sang Christmas carols around the tree. I'm not sure why exactly, except it did feel festive.

If I have learned one thing through this experience it's that we all have our own story, our own tragedy, our own emptiness, our own longing, our own sadness that we are trying to work through. I hope the holidays does not become a time to mourn about what is missing, but a celebration of what we have and what we have been blessed with. Each year I am doing better and better at putting the emptiness aside and loving Christmas--remembering with the birth of Christ came the gift of eternal families. And for that I will be forever grateful.

Merry Christmas!

xoxo
amy gretchen

18

I still remember the day the world took you back & there was never time to thank you for the thousand scattered moments you left behind to watch us while we slept. -storypeople


There was a time in my life I was certain the hurt would never go away so to wake up this morning and feel peace and gratitude that I had the privilege of knowing him for 16 years is a gift. Seeing his picture now makes me smile at the person he was, at the life he lived. I wish we could have had more time, but since that wasn't in the cards I am extremely grateful for the time we did have, how he changed my life, and to know, for certain, that I will see him again.

reminders

Rock walls, REI, climbing gyms, carabiners, chalk, even the mountains all remind me of my brother Alan. He was a big climber and I associate him with spending as much time dangling from a rock as he did on the ground. I remember his equipment strewed about the house and his hands always having a white tint to them. So when my little Tess wanted to try the climbing wall in Park City last Monday it tugged at my heart a bit. As I stood watching her get higher and higher searching for the best places to put her hands and feet (I tried to coach her when she needed it) I couldn't help but think of going climbing for the first time with my brother and having him share with me something he loved.



As I continued to watch and help Tess it wasn't until a father of another boy waiting came over to watch her and said, "she's really good" that it hit me, maybe she's inherited the skills from Alan. There are moments when my younger brother, my nieces and nephew, and even my own children do something, have a certain look that reminds me so perfectly of him. It's hard to see someone pass and you would think even harder to have reminders all over the place (it was), but now I see them as tender mercies. It's like there are little pieces of him still with us. Gifts from above to help keep the memories alive.

It's been 17 years today. Time has healed, but it hasn't taken away. I can still see him so clearly. I can still hear his goofy laugh. I can still feel the last hug he gave me as we stood up to leave church Sunday afternoon and said, "love you guys" referring to me and my sister. I'm grateful for that...to heal and not lose. Grateful when I see him in those I love. Grateful to know how precious life is. Grateful to understand how meaningful I want mine to be. After all, I only get this one life, this one chance...I want so desperately to make it count.

sixteen

It's a strange feeling to wake up and realize I've known my older brother, who died sixteen years ago, as long as I haven't. It's a day I have anticipated for a long time...the sixteenth anniversary of his death. I guess it just seemed significant in some way and I'm not sure why other than it shows how much time has passed and how much life I have lived during that time.



It was nice this day has come after a two week break spent with my family while my sister and her family were in town (if you're wondering where I've been...there you have it). It's comforting to be able to share stories and to know we are together, learning to fill in the gaps he left for us that feel very apparent to me.



Despite what this day means to me, it has been a most beautiful day. I must admit I had anticipated it being somewhat of a mess, considering Sundays are not usually my best day of the week (don't know why), but it has been a very peaceful reflective day where I've focused more on what I have instead of what I don't have and embraced the healing that has taken place these last few years. How grateful I am for my knowledge of Christ's gospel that I know I will one day see him again.



Throughout the day my thoughts kept coming back to my word for the year, LIVE, and reminding me of something my brother said years ago that I will never forget, (2 weeks before his death he went on a road trip with his good friend Jeff, who unfortunately died with my brother in the car accident, and they took a video of their trip. While video taping he said these words) "and if we happen to die, know that we love you and always have a good one." As I reflect on his words today "always have a good one" I remind myself to live each day to the fullest with no regrets as I know he did. Though his life was only 18+ years long he certainly lived everyday and held nothing back. I want that...to know I have given it my all and can leave this life better than when I came. Definitely easier said than done. I have a lot of work to do.

christmas eve

It started at the cemetery. I know not really what your thinking about when you think of Christmas, but bring Christmas to my brother has been something we've done, well, since he's been gone. Although I know it probably doesn't really matter to him much, I do it to remember and share a piece of him with my children.

















After we parted ways with my parents we had a brief visit with Adam's grandma.



Then we headed to the compound for our annual Christmas Eve gathering with Adam's family. We have good food, open gifts and play games. This year we spent a lot of time playing playstation (guitar hero, singsong, and dance dance revolution).

fifteen years

His graduation 1992. I believe the last photo taken of us together.

One by Metallica plays in the background and it's all I can do to keep myself from hiding in a closet and letting the emotions overwhelm me. He made a talent show video to this song in high school and I watched it over and over and over again after his death trying desperately hard not to forget his memory. So this song in my mind is wrapped around his life. I can see him skiing, rock climbing, rollerblading in Moab, enjoying life to the fullest like he always did. It makes me happy to know that his life, though short, was full of goodness.

I have so many thoughts running through my head I don't even know how to make sense of them anymore. It's been fifteen years.

Sigh...

At times it seems like the other day and then other times I can see the distance between us.

I miss him.

Each and every day I miss him. I have fought to keep each detail as the years go by and thank God for each tender mercy that has reminded me of him in my life.

Megan came in while I was writing this and asked why I was so sad. She cried with me as I showed her photos and talked to her about how much I miss him, she's such a tender soul. When I look at my girls I see the time. I see fifteen years, but how much I love knowing he was with them. They knew him.

So with a calm heart I face this day with gratitude in my heart that I knew such a person. He has forever made an imprint on me and I am forever changed.

palpable

There we were, eating Sunday dinner a couple weeks ago when it hit me, sitting at the table with me was just my parents and siblings. It was strange the way it all work out. For the first 11 days of my sister's visit it was just my parents, my sister and brother, our kids, and of course me. Jeni's husband Scott was at scout camp/work so he didn't drive down with her. Chris' wife Amy was home with their new baby helping her to stay sick free, and my Adam hurt his back and was home out of commission. It was something that hadn't happened in years.

When I first realized it was just us the small feeling I carry with me, every holiday, every time my family gets together became overpowering. It's a feeling I am much to familiar with, but still not at all comfortable facing. The overwhelming feeling of incompleteness that has been with me for the past coming on 15 years next week. The constant void. It's thick. Dense. To the point where I feel I can almost reach out and touch it. How badly I would love to push it aside, but I hold it close as not to loose it.

A few days ago when I thought about it again I realized why most of the time my sister was in town I had been haunted once again with the question about adding to my family. I'm chasing to fill that emptiness I have. Somehow I think if my family was bigger I wouldn't be as affected by these feelings. I am smart enough to know that is impossible mostly because I don't want to let it go. As unhealthy as that sounds to the Psychologists out there, I would rather hold on than forget.

So I embrace it. Thank God each day that I have it. And live to remember what I had and what I will one day have again.

remembering

Memorial day takes on a whole new meaning when you actually have someone to visit. It is something that took a while to get use to. Something I fought for a long time. Now I find peace in it. I enjoy going and reflecting. Remembering what part my brother had in my life.

I love being able to take my girls. To show and talk to them about who my brother was. It's a hard concept for both Bella and Tess to grasp and it doesn't help that they also have a cousin named after Alan, so it is best when they can visualize. It has been weird to think this all happened before they were born and quite possibly they meet him before coming to earth. I like the thought of that. That he is not a stranger to them.















The Lord's plan is very beautiful and comforting. I am grateful for it everyday. More so today than ever.