I want to apologize for the randomness of this post, but for me it has not come out of the blue. It's how I've been feeling for a while now (I've been trying to drown it out with talk radio) and it's time to let it go or I may lose just what it is I love about blogging. So I write today out of necessity. Write what? I'm sure you're thinking. Write from the heart I guess. Putting myself out there to reclaim what it is I've lost. You see I just can't keep up the facade anymore. I got hurt by a fellow blogger a few weeks back and I admit she (I'm assuming it's a she) broke my blogging spirit. As much as I want to deny that I'm above women's pettiness it obviously affected me. As I look back on my blog these last few weeks there is a huge difference in my posts and I can see now what it is...I'm missing. I guess you could say I'm trying to protect myself so I've taken me out of the equation and have still attempted to document life. As evidence to this post (my feeling the need to write this) I've obviously done a poor job of it because I can see right through to the emptiness. Ok, not all of my posts since then have been without me...if you look, if you look hard, I am trying to reach out I just don't know how.
So in recent weeks I've had an on going debate, if I can't be me on my blog why am I doing it? It's certainly not worth all the time I put into it to come here years from now and reread an unoccupied blog. Yes, I've thought seriously about pulling the plug and walking away. Haven't you? I'm not sure my intention would have been forever, I mean I really love blogging, but I don't know that one can truly come back, in the blog world, from such a long sabbatical. And since the thought of that really scares me I've continued on in an attempt to find a way to get back what I had.
Last week I proclaimed a RDV (random declaration of victory) and told myself I was done feeling this way, I had taken a beating, but I can rise above, I can live without another thought of it, but the lie I was telling myself obviously didn't work because I am here, writing, attempting to deal with my feelings so they can stop haunting me. And you know it's working. For some strange reason I feel I can be honest, vulnerable, like I haven't in a long time, and be ok with what you might think. This blog, my words, is exactly that...mine. It's about my life, my heartache, my happiness and it's time I put the me back in the equation.
It's funny I suddenly feel like I'm naked and I don't know how to put my clothes back on, so I'll end with this...I am rising above, recognizing all the goodness that is around me and in turn I feel the blogging me resurfacing. So I guess all that's left to say is thank you. Thank you for helping me find my safe place again and letting me be vulnerable.
38 comments:
I am so glad you did this. I must admit, I noticed. You just didn't seem yourself (if it's possible to notice that through blogging). I am glad you got some of your feelings out. I was so disapointed when I read that very rude and unnecessary comment. This blog is YOURS and it is about YOU. That's why I love it so much. The blogging world just wouldn't be the same without YOU in it. I LOVE YOU!! You are a dear friend to me. I hope you are able to move through feelings, and put YOU back into YOUR blog.
And that picture is BEAUTIFUL!!
"This blog, my words, is exactly that...mine. It's about my life, my heartache, my happiness and it's time I put the me back in the equation."
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I wish I had some magic words but all I can say is it is YOUR BLOG! If we don't like what you write we don't have to come here! We DON'T have to read it! and NONE OF US HAS A RIGHT TO BE RUDE!!!!
I have to admit I found your blog thru a posting on a nasty blog... I loved your being real and open... and I NO LONGER GO TO THAT BLOG or any like it! To me it was the last straw... attacking someone for what they had posted on their OWN blog, about their OWN life!
BE REAL, BE HONEST ABOUT LIFE, ABOVE ALL ELSE... BE YOUR SELF!!!!
hi amy, i've noticed it too and am glad your back. i would have been hurt too and am glad you've decided to rise above. it is your blog, not anyone else's. we're just lucky to be able to read it. thanks for being open and sharing. it seems we can all relate to each other in a way. it makes dark and lonely times not seems quite so dark and lonely. i'm glad you posted this.
Welcome back...you seriously were missed. I kind of noticed but then seeing and talking to you last night made me realize it even more. I'm sad it was because of something someone felt the need to push at you, but glad you have chosen to rise above and still inspire us. I have had a comment and one e-mail sent to me regarding my blog and it was hurtful- it took time to shrug off for sure.
Glad YOU are back.
I have read your blod off and on. I enjoy your honesty and have shared your link with several others because it is good reading and real.
I am sorry you were hurt. I wasn't aware of the comment. Your post makes me want to read "the comment".
Glad you are back.
just go through your blog read your comments and see how many people write what an inspiration you are to them and how you have helped them in one way or another... why let one nasty comment mean more to you than the hundreds of positive?
i know it easier said than done, but you need to get over it.
move on and continue being you, it is obvious you have alot of people who love you just as you are.
Amy, I have to tell you that you inspire me. I love/envy your creativity, thoughtfulness and drive. You make me want to be a better photographer and create more. I appreciate your apology last night, it made me think you must have been offended or have offended someone. I'm sorry someone felt so insecure with themselves that they had to attack you. When you function at a higher level, those below you try to knock you down. Rise above it! It sounds like you are working on it.
Amy, Don't quit, don't stop...please chin up! Your honesty, creativity, talent...they are all so inspiring.
Sombody started leaving me annonymous comments on my blog recently, that were disturbing. It put me in such a horrible mood, and I was so bothered by it, I shut my blog down. Turned off every post, and quit. A week later, I realized, as bothered as I was...I needed blogging. So, I started a new blog. Don't do that!!! I've always known there are people out there who will try and hurt wonderful, beautiful things. Let's not let them.
I love this post. Thank you for being so open and honest. I am constantly feeling vulnerable as I blog and have to say that it does keep me from blogging things that maybe I really want to. You always inspire me. And I love the self portraits.
i just wanted to say "howdy" from texas... and I come and lurk, and read, and WISH i could be as honest and open as you. Sometimes I get just what I need coming here... reading your honesty... it validates my feelings and let's me know it's ok to just be. be happy. be sad. be anxious. be worrisome. be thrilled. be crazy. be me.
I'm so sorry that someone said something that would hurt your "blogging spirit", but all I can say is that spring is here. And even among the showers, flowers spring forth.
So just be you. rain or shine... let show.
love your blog and your openness. please continue because you are refreshing. i admit to being a blog-stalk, and never commenting, but i keep coming back for the goodness and real-ness. keep it up, k? we all feel the same way at certain times, but some people just don't document it. sorry one person can have such an affect...what a lesson to us all in what we say and do!
I was asked by a very wise person, why I allow others to take MY POWER away... I didn't think I was letting them, but when I looked back I was most definietly not standing up for me. I was trying to change what they did not like, but others seemed to like. We are all self conscience, sometimes people have to attack something about someone else that they want/or need help with.
I love this post, because it is a true example of not caring what others think. You are who you are, and if they don't like it, than THEY can choose not to read. They can choose to walk away, but for those of us who love you for you, we will stay.
I am learning this lesson more and more. I love that you are honest and real, because than I don't feel so alone.
Forgive and move on. That is another great character trait you show. I can't wait to see, hear, learn more.
I can only offer you a hug and the knowledge that I truly appreciate you and everything you share.
We are rallying behind you.
Blogging can be really hard for me too. It does involve putting yourself out there and as someone who doesn't always feel comfortable with who she is, I struggle. The other day I wrote about something that was very difficult for me to divulge, but I did it and felt so much better. I did wait on pins and needles for the comments, though. :)
I think you are wonderful. You inspire me so much creativly and your pictures never cease to amaze me. I'm sorry that you were hurt but am glad you feel you are on the mend.
This brings tears to my eyes that someone has hurt you. I was just having this discussion last night, that I think blogging is great in one aspect, but horrible in another that women almost feel like they have more "catty" power to hurt or to tear down. It is very unfair. There was a time last summer that I was REALLY depressed, very emotional, for a lot of reasons, and I was sharing a lot of that on my blog. Some anonymous person decided that they needed to leave a horribly rude comment about me, my life, my family. I had enough at that point and I deleted my whole blog. (Saving MYSELF a copy.) It took me a few weeks to come to the same conclusion you have come to. I admire you for pushing forward, when I couldn't. Even now I am afraid to share my whole self on my blog. I find myself editing things I would like to say, or posting about something else.
It is easy to let "the one" determine who we are. But there are so many peole who love YOU! Me included. I hardly know you, but having met you, there is something about you that I wish I could be. You have it together in ways I only wish I could. The book you made for your mom, YOUR words, your life, your photography, they are all beautiful, beautiful things, and evidence of who you are inside.
I suffer from depression at times, some people have no idea what that abyss feels like, so it is easy to judge. I'm not sure what that person said, but they obviously do not know YOU. Thank you for helping me with my own struggles without even knowing it. Welcome back...I knew YOU were gone...I am so thankful you are home.
Hugs from your blogging friend!
I am glad you are back and trying to move on. I know it is hard, these are your thoughts and feelings...esentially who you are, so an attack on your blog feels like an attack on you. Please know that I love you and want to be you when I grow up. Through your posts you have challenged me to take a good look at me and truly get to know myself and feel free to share that with others.
God wants us to connect with each other - in sisterhood thier is POWER! Cattiness and rudeness are Satan's tools to keep us isolated from eachother.
I love you, your blog, your creativity and your willingness to share it all....
...good luck rising above.
Amy, I'm sad that someone caused you to feel that way. I don't understand using someone else's blog as an attack vehicle. Blogging in itself makes us vulnerable. I'm sorry someone took advantage of that.
I love your blog, and you as a friend. I hope you're always able to keep *you* unapologetically in your blog.
I don't understand why that person had to leave such an immature and rude comment, clearly it was their own issue being taken out on you, but even recognizing that doesn't take away the pain of it. It would have seriously rocked my world too.
I hope you can come back again fully yourself. This IS your blog and you can do whatever you want with it. There's no obligation for anyone else to read it or like it (this goes for all bloggers) and you do have a huge group of cyber friends cheering you on.
Amy, I just want to say that yours is one of a very few blogs I visit frequently, and I feel peaceful and inspired here. Thank you for you.
Gorgeous lighting in your lovely photo today.
I didn't read the comment so I don't know exactly what was sad. I rarely comment on your blog but I always love reading it. I would sorely miss your inspiring words, photography and other creativity. Thanks for sharing yourself with me.
Good for you Amy! That sounds kind of silly to say, but rising above is a hard thing to do, and vulnerable is strong. You continue to strike me as strong in your vulnerability Amy.
So proud to know you.
Its really rather random how I came to your blog, I'm sure through another, of another's...but I have made so many self-discoveries reading your honesty (when I do check it). I have felt inspired and strengthend. And once again, in this post, you do not dissapoint. I appreciate your words, at that, YOUR words.
6kennedys.blogspot.com
I'm sad that someone could be so hateful and ugly. I've always been so envious that your blog is a direct reflection of the person you are, the person you have become, and the person you hope to be someday. I haven't been able to take that step yet. Mainly because I don't quite feel safe. My blog isn't really mine .. I guess. Which makes me sad. So I can only imagine how sad this whole episode has made you for being so bold as to make your blog yours. The Nerve! :)
I'm glad to see Amy back. I've missed you.
Hey Amy there is sooo much more you can offer to yourself and all your friends clearly...that it is not worth giving it another look or thought. You have soo much to offer...keep going.
Hey Smayma, I have no idea what the comment was, but that would really shock me if someone left a naughty comment for me. I'm new to the blogging world, but my expectation is that people will praise my efforts to share my life. Sorry those tender feelers of yours got nipped. I check your blog often. It makes me feel like I am still apart of your everyday. Love you.
I think you are a beautiful soul...thank you for sharing your life with us
Hum...interesting post and reflection. Right now, I am posting the 27th comment concerning your post but I know there are many more who have silently commented.
You obviously have enough self worth and confidence to make your diary public. Blogging isn't just about journaling and documenting your life, it's about connecting with other people. Leaving comments adds that beautiful element to our documentation.
When you post something very personal and private, I personally am able to read through the lines and understand what you are trying to accomplish. You are working out your own "you-ness". It does however strip you and leave you naked in a lot of ways but you do so willingly. Not only does the writing help you discover yourself but the comments help in that self analysis. Whether it is conscious or not, you are giving us your words with the expectation that you will recieve something in return. I know you must feel validated, loved, admired and inspired by most of those who read. We all love words of affirmation we receive on our blogs. If it weren't for the comments, we all would just keep our journals privately tucked away in our own homes. But there comes a point when the only comments that really matter are not the ones on our blogs but the ones from the Lord. Your readers have such limited knowledge of who you are. YOU don't even know who you are completely. This post obviously is an acknowlegement of that fact.
Bottomline, when you're blogging, you've gotta take the good with the bad because your comments are coming from limited perspectives. When you check in with the Big Guy Upstairs, you will get a more accurate assessment of how you are really doing.
Keep your chin up. You know who you right now and who you are striving to be. May God continue to bless you in this endeavor we call life.
So sad that someone feels compelled to say hurtful things when someone shares their true thoughts and personal feelings. I am so happy you are such a strong person and can get past the pain and continue to share your thoughts and wisdom with us. Even if you don't agree with what someone says it does not give the right to be rude. Sometimes I think these "impersonal mediums" let people say things they would never say in a face to face conversation. So sorry it happened and I am thrilled you are remaining true to yourself no matter what. I'm not sure I'm that brave.
Amy, glad to have you back! :) I too noticed that you weren't yourself. I'm sorry that someone said something to hurt you. I can't imagine the gall of some people. Anyway, I love your posts, and I'll continue checking them. Thanks, too, for your comment on my blog. Glad you understand.
You should continue to blog.
I don't have a blog because I'm scared of being too exposed.
But then, I love blogs (like yours) because they help me and lift me up in so many ways.
Thank you for your honesty. It is healing not only for you, but for those of us who may feel similar ways and don't know how to write it in our own words. You are blessing more people than you know by your blog, just rise above the negativity.
Marissa
You have much to offer. It just wouldn't be the same without YOU!!
Your blog is a gift to you and your girls. Always remember that. The best journaling ever!
So sorry that someone hurt you. People can be so cruel! Glad you realized that you can rise above and press forward.
Well I see you have lots of people who have commented and said the same thing I will, but I (a stranger) want you to know that I have been reading your blog for over a year now. I love your photography and that is what led me to your blog. You express yourself so well through the arts. I often wish I was more like you as I don't have the talents that you posses yet wish I did. I love the type of mother you are to your girls. I can see the love you have for them. You have such a cute relationship with your husband and I think that is so refreshing. You are the only way that I was able to put a blog banner on my own blog. I love the crafts that you do. I am totally jealous of your house -- it is decorated so cute. I like what the girl named amy said. Don't let one negative comment drown out all the positive comments. You are a special person and lots of people , even a stranger like me, admire you. Keep posting because I like to peek in once and a while. Thanks
I don't post on your blog much but I want you to know that I come here every single day and read your wonderful words and enjoy everything that you say. I can't imagine how or why anyone would ever try to hurt your feelings. I don't even know you and I think you are a wonderful person. I am so very glad you decided to "put it out on the open" and try to make sense of it all. For what is it worth, I adore you, I adore your blog, I adore pretty much everything about you and from the looks of these comments so do these people so to HECK with the neg. What do they know anyway?????
Hi there. I find your blog through Annalisa. I don't comment much (sorry), but I enjoy reading your blog and seeing your expressions of creativity.
So there you have positive blogging affirmation # 34.
Lots of comments here, but I just wanted you to know that you have another cyber friend who loves your blog. You are an amazing mom, wife, leader, and photographer. You are very inspiring and I have left your blog many times with happy tears and feeling inspired. Keep up the good work, you have lots of friends out here!
My first thought was at least you look good naked.... does that help?!
I'm sorry you have had to deal with this but I am glad you decided to fight back (and not anonymously!)
I can't imagine such an attack I know I have been hurt by dumb things like when a few people have listed exactly what they hate on blogs and it is a perfect description of mine... it is hard to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable. Even though we know it is "ours" and "this is me" it is still hard to feel the criticism. I'm glad you are back...
I can totally understand why you were so hurt by that rude comment. But I'm also glad that you decided to keep being you on your blog - like you said, what's the point otherwise? And look at the huge response you got here! If that doesn't make you feel validated, I don't know what will. Thanks for sharing.
Hey Amy,
Way to stand back up and take your blog back. I loved it before I knew you and love it even more now that I do. I think you are an incredible person/blogger/mother/wife/artist/friend and I'm lucky to know you.
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