We don't really talk about the hardness of it all anymore. We can all feel the weight of the emptiness when we're together. His death forever changed us and we've all had to find our way through to the other side. Interesting how when you get there the hurting stops, but the void is ever constant--you never really are whole again. So instead we share stories and remember him they way he was.
Each year going to the grave in December, sharing a bit of Christmas with him, is healing. Most the time it's a bit chaotic with kids helping/playing in the snow, but I know it's exactly what he would want. He was a bit rowdy himself or a lot rowdy and imagine him loving how our family has grown. This year we sang Christmas carols around the tree. I'm not sure why exactly, except it did feel festive.
If I have learned one thing through this experience it's that we all have our own story, our own tragedy, our own emptiness, our own longing, our own sadness that we are trying to work through. I hope the holidays does not become a time to mourn about what is missing, but a celebration of what we have and what we have been blessed with. Each year I am doing better and better at putting the emptiness aside and loving Christmas--remembering with the birth of Christ came the gift of eternal families. And for that I will be forever grateful.
Merry Christmas!
xoxo
amy gretchen
5 comments:
This made me cry...what a beautiful post & tribute to Alan. And you are right...that is how he would want it. Love you, sweet friend! Have a Merry Christmas.
Hi Amy, forever a reader but never comment until today were your post hit a nerve. I lost my mum 6 months ago and this will be our first Christmas without her. I have very mixed emotions and trying to stay on top of them. I feel your pain and hope one day the smile will return to my face without being forced. Wishing you all a wonderful Christmas.
You keep a memory alive just as I would hope to do. And with such grace. Great post. Merry Christmas.
Carolyne I am so sorry for your loss. Yes it does get better, it will get easier. I promise you will not always feel this way. I've had 18 years of practice so my pain has been worked through, but the missing is always there & think it always will be. It's good though...I would never want to forget.
xo
I loved this post Amy. You said it all perfectly!
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