in my dream, the angel shrugged & said, if we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination & then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand. ~storypeople

only santa could get my husband to dance....

Later he would say his motivation was his girls, that he only did it because he thought they would love to see him interact with Santa. All the while not knowing, never dreaming it would be dancing--in a tutu and tiara no less when Santa called him out of the crowd.

Tess and Megan, who laughed themselves silly, especially loved it while Bella, unsure, leaned over and said, "I'm having mixed feelings. I don't know if should be embarrassed or having the time of my life."

Me, I was loving it. He had no rhythm and sort of clueless as to what to do, but he was cute and mine and brought the biggest smile to my face. Man he makes me happy.

friday miscellany

We had to dig ourselves out earlier this week. Crazy to think I heard so much about a holiday storm a week ago that turned out to be a complete dud while this storm raged on and I was none the wiser. Why do we let the media play with our emotions so? I remember the whole swine flu incident--how they stressed me out. While I would never say there wasn't some cause for concern, they could of told us all the facts, like how people die of the regular flu everyday. Hmm, why do I suddenly not feel any better by that. Ha!

Christmas shopping is still ago. Why was I thinking I could be done the week after Thanksgiving by the latest? It seems each and every time I think I'm close I remember someone else I'm missing.

Creative Wednesdays. Yes, I am still doing them though, this week I actually did a bit from my bed Tuesday instead of Wednesday. At any rate, I can't share my projects because they're gifts, but I will after the holidays. Funny, it's sounds like the gifts are something new and excited. While I assure you that's not the case, I've definitely enjoyed making them and hope they'll be received the same.


Our advent calendar is fully underway here counting down to Christmas. It's one of my kids very favorite traditions. It's the first thing they talk to me about in the morning and I haven't yet figured out if it's because I let them eat candy in the morning or because they're seeing the days peel away one by one til Christmas comes. I for one am happy with all the days leading up. Anticipation is key.

I stated playing racquetball while in St. George last weekend. Sounds like a stretch to say "played", more like I "tried". Adam was quite easy on me so I was please to walk out of there 0-4---never reaching over 3 or 4 points a game. There was even a game he gave me two points for every one point & I still lost. Really fun though. I'm thinking I need to find someone more at my level. Any takers? It actually is more of a workout than you'd realize. I was sore in places I never knew I had muscles.

After using NyQuil the day I was sick to help me sleep & Tess getting a clearer understanding of why i took it she said, "I wish they made stuff like that for kids". Little does she know there are a lot of parents who are wondering the same thing.

We received our first Christmas card in the mail yesterday, thanks Dani it is fabulous, and it's got me thinking, for the first time this season, that I need to do Christmas cards. What? How on earth have I not thought of this before now? I'm usually so on top of our Christmas card and excited to do it. Weird.

watching

"Write whats in here (heart) because you must, because it pleases you, but never because you want someone else to like what you've said." -Kate Morton, Distant Hours



My occasion to be ill yesterday gave me more than enough time to stew in my own thoughts. To be blissfully unaware of what happenings were going on outside the door, Christmas prep no doubt, and be conscious in thought of what lie dormant. Though nothing really does lie dormant for too long in my mind. I am not one to hid from myself, just from others. I tease, only a little, as I know there is some truth to that. I, who am becoming quite comfortable with me, will more often than I like to admit let my mind drift about what others might think. It is something I gave a lot of thought to yesterday--a returning lesson I am beginning to see reach it's final destination. The more I look at my life and love it, the more I silence all the outside voices because, as we all know, their voices don't matter, only the opinions of those we love.

As my thoughts progressed I began thinking about the upcoming year, what I want to accomplish, my dreams for the near future, and relationships--ones to keep and strengthen and ones to healthy give away. In particular I thought about my relationship with my girls.

As I watched them come home from school yesterday--shuffle in with coats, gloves, hats, and backpacks, throwing papers in my view, telling me grands stories of their day, tests they had passed, friends they had played with, funny instances with the snow, all the while desperately looking for an afternoon snack that quickly fell on apples and oranges. As I watched this scene unfold from the comfort of my couch, still being lazy in my sickness, I wondered where their lives would go. What they wanted exactly and what they would do to see their dreams come true? Would they be willing to put in the time? Would they be willing to put in the effort? Did they, in fact, have dreams? I wondered.

I guess you could say in that moment I hoped for their happiness. Life creeps up on you too quickly and before you know it, if you're not careful, you don't recognize the person you see in the mirror. I don't want that for them. I want them to seize happiness at every moment. To live presently, to give openly, and take no thought of what others might think of them. It occurred to me, though not for the first time, as I watched them delight in our afternoon routine, how they watch me. How I have become a roll model to them for nothing more than the fact that I brought them into this world. That they looked to me first before another. And that if I don't live my life that way, why would they?

I almost, right then and there, let the fear take over and anxiety kick in, but I think I wasn't strong enough for that yesterday and now that I have my wits about me and hormonally I am sound, all I can do is start from where I am at today. No sense getting bothered about what can't be undone in the past (remember this amy). It's true, I have a lot of things I would like to change, especially because I know my girls are watching, but also because I know it's the path that will lead me to where I want to go. Fear never gets us where we want to be and neither does lamenting about things we cannot change.

A wise person once told me, you can only change yourself. It took years for me to truly understand that. Years to settle into the notion that if my life was to improve I needed to stop pointing the finger and make the changes within me. That's what made the biggest difference--that's when I noticed I was growing.

You see, that is what I hope my girls to see. Although I am riddled with flaws and am miles away from where I want to be. I hope they see a woman who is not afraid of change, who is willing to do the work to see her dreams come true, who cares deeply for the people in her life. I desperately want them to see a woman they can count on, a woman they admire, a woman worthy of emulating.

Because if I do nothing else with my life than to be their mother, a friend, a woman they can laugh with, confide in, and sit quietly with--my life shall be full indeed.

No, fuller. My life already feels full and am thankful daily for it.

xoxo,
amy gretchen

gratitude journals on etsy

Finally, after hours resizing and reformatting to get ready for a printer, I finally have gratitude journals ready for my etsy store shelves. Go here to see the listing.



Thank you so much, as always, for your support on my little projects. I am quite excited about this book as I believe, from experience, when we go through our day looking for things to be grateful for our outlook completely changes. A day that once was dismal can be changed as quickly as it came. Last year I didn't even have time to make one for myself because I wanted to share them with as many of you as wanted, but I am pleased to say I have my very own copy ready and waiting to be filled up January 1. So if you're interested, for yourself, for a gift, check out my etsy shop for more information on purchasing one of these books.

xo,
amy gretchen

All from the comfort of my phone

It's 3:43am, but when I got started it was only 1:58am. I say that as if it's so normal to be up at 2am awake in bed. I assure you it's not & I'm not happy about this at all.

So what does one do when awake, but doesn't want to get out of bed? Get stuff done using my iPhone. So far I've....

checked email
Checked on orders
Read USA today
Checked facebook
Listed an item on eBay
Ordered from amazon
Signed up for a free Jessica sprague class
Looked through camera roll & deleted a few images


Rediscovered this moment with Megan while shopping back in May
Added more items to my ever increasing to do list
Crossed some off my list
Played a game
& now blogged

Now if only I could have exercised....

xo
Amy
iPhone

i'm grateful

the continuation of an endless Glist...


I'm grateful for us. For our marriage & dedication to each other.

I'm grateful for a husband who hears me because he wants to know me. For his patience, his love, & his ability to make me laugh even when times are hard.


I'm grateful for Bella's wisdom. For her ability to know just what you need when you need it. Just like her dad, she teaches me to let things roll off my back. For her need to be punctual because she always keeps us on time.


I'm grateful for Tess' sweet compassionate spirit. For her ability to love unconditional and give freely of herself.


I'm grateful for Megan's zest for life, her confidence & ability to always make you smile.


I'm grateful I have a good man, no a great man, helping raise our children. I couldn't have asked for a better father for my girls.

I'm grateful to have the knowlege of the Gospel. For the peace it brings to my life each day & the promise of spending eternity with my family.

I'm grateful for my family & Adams family & to be able to live close. For the help they give us & the goodness each of them bring to our life.

I'm grateful for friends who have come into my life at the right moment. For friends who love me for me.

I'm grateful for prayer.

I'm grateful for creativity & a space in my home where I can explore to my hearts content.


I'm grateful for my talents & gifts. For seeing life the way I do & having the desire to capture it.

I'm grateful for our health, that we are strong-ish, & are able to do physically anything we put our minds to.

I'm grateful for chocolate, especially when it's bleak outside.

I'm grateful for technology that keeps me connected with friends & family, & those I've meet online.

I'm grateful for music. For it's ability to make me get up and move or take me to a beautiful needful place.


As I say good night to this day and have had the chance to reflect all month long about what I am grateful for, all I can say is I LOVE MY LIFE. I am grateful each and every day for it.

May you have a Wonderful Thanksgiving!!

xoxo
amy gretchen

beating the storm

We got here to St. George, our Thanksgiving get away alright without incident, unless, of course, you count the puking from the back seat. Tess, the champion puker that she is gave me enough warning to provide her with a bag (thank you Wendys for your thick bag). It wasn't until the second time that the warning never came & vomit ended up all over my jacket.


Poor Tess I felt so bad for her, but she took it like a champ and appears to be doing better now that we've stopped moving. Good times people. Good times.

I'm grateful to be here though, safe & sound, ahead of the crazy storm that has schools canceled, businesses closed, & almost everyone I know gearing up for the worst...seriously wondering how bad it's going to be. I'm grateful for a weekend with my family, where hopefully the power stays on & we can enjoy a bit of warmer weather...some indoor swimming perhaps, the new Disney movie, and maybe even some hiking.

So I'm thinking about you all left back home & all of you traveling, hoping you have a great holiday, hoping you are safe and warm through the night.

xo,

amy

chalkboard goodness

this has turned out exactly the way i had hoped...



company in the kitchen while I make dinner, reminders to me and for the kids, weekly planning for all to see, delightful pictures to enjoy all day, and of course hand written messages. This was waiting for me when I woke up Friday morning after the Harry Potter midnight show.


In case you can't see it it reads, "it's noon on Friday in case you don't know". He wasn't far off, I made it out to the kitchen no earlier than 12:10pm that afternoon. It actually took me until Sunday to feel like I had recovered from the lack of sleep.

I'm telling you if you've considered making a chalkboard of your very own and you have a place I highly recommend it. We have really enjoyed having this bit of creative space in our living area.

xo,
amy

quiet sunday

We came home in this last night, the winter storm we had been waiting for for weeks finally arrived. Winter took it's time getting here this year and can't say I'm let down by it. With an excellent fall behind me and Christmas on the way it feels like the perfect time, a quiet Sunday, to wake up to 10 inches of snow. And what a quiet Sunday it has been...I'm not sure whether or not it was the snow that caused church to be canceled, but apparently the meeting house power wasn't working...no power, no lights, no heat so they canceled.

So we all came home, got in our pjs again, and this is what we've been doing...some good old togetherness.


Adam read a short story to the girls. He's so great about sharing what he loves with them and I love to see, not only them together, but the girls soaking in all the goodness he shares with them.


With snow currently coming down with abandon, a fire going, and a quiet Sunday ahead of us we decided why not start decorating, especially since we're going to be gone for Thanksgiving and we usually do it the day after. We had some crazy moments of lights not working, TVs almost falling, & cords ripping (don't ask), but ever since we moved passed the crazy moments we've all been enjoying the warmth of the twinkling of the lights, me especially...it's one of my favorite parts of the holiday. I even put some up in my studio I don't think I'll never take down. There's just something about the lights that add to a home.

I hope it's been an equally fabulous day for you!

xoxo
amy

**so when are you decorating?

ramblings

I was up late last night, a little too late, being creative and spending time with friends. It's crazy how much you don't know how much you need those evenings with other women, creating, until it's been absent for a time. And over all, it hasn't been long at all, but I guess that's my point...i need those experiences to keep me sane. Crazy how I got along with out them.

At any rate, I'm tired, wicked tired and I keep wondering how I'm going to do a midnight showing of harry potter tonight. Am I making a huge mistake? Of course not. I shouldn't talk silliness. I'm quite excited to see the movie and don't mind staying up for it. In preparation, I think after I'm done writing this a nap is in order, or two. Some caffeine perhaps...in the form of chocolate, though I think I'm going to have to go with caffeine in the version of a soda if I'm really going to get what I need.

So in my attempts to stay up I won't sit down. I've been trying to keep myself moving at all costs. My house has benefited greatly, though, listening to a book while working has been an utter failure...my mind is not all there. And so that has finally brought me to my point of my ramblings today. While working, while trying to keep myself up, I found this list or note or scribblings from one of the girls.


[if you can't read it is says "goals on massage dad: back, head, legs, back"]

I believe it's Tess' handwriting and I'm not surprised as she seems to be the one to head up these massages for her dad almost on a daily basis...she loves to please him. It goes something like this. All three of my girls unanimously squeal with excitement as Adam pronounces a daddy daughter movie night. Somehow those movie dates have turned into full on massages for Adam. He lays face down and one of the girls rubs his head, another his back, while the other rests, important to have the rest period, and then they switch. Sounds crazy I know, but they love it and so does he. In fact, there are nights that I have to break up the fun and force them all to bed.

At any rate, this note made me smile, on an otherwise tired, weirdish day, and reminded me how much i love my life.

xo
amy

**anyone else going to the midnight showing of HP?
**don't you just love what you find around the house?

today i'm choosing

Today I'm letting go of fear and making room for possibility.
Today I'm letting go of misunderstandings and making room for love.
Today I'm letting go of have tos and making room for want tos.
Today I'm letting go of doubt and making room for hope.
Today I'm letting go of sadness and making room for laughter.
Today I'm letting go of "i'm not good enough" and making room for "...you are powerful beyond measure".

12of12 | November

01. I had the hardest time getting up this morning and it sure didn't help that the girls were out of school and slept over at my parents....there really wasn't a reason to get up and get moving.
02. I found it really cool to look up toward the east and see the mountains covered in snow while the valley still looks like fall.
03. Once I got up I got to work cleaning the house.
04. Part of my errands today was stopping by the post office.
05. yoga--was not in the mood, but made myself do it.
06. My mom met me at the store to drop off my girls and I was mid-trying something on so I knelt down in the dressing room and took this of them waiting for me.
07. lots of road time today.
08. reading the delightful Evolution of Calpurnia Tate.
09. Girls singing to the radio on the way home.
10. Nachos for dinner. I know Adam loves them, but I am not a fan.
11. Tickle time. Adam came home from work and it was on the menu.
12. More fall colors caught while out...took this in a parking lot.

It was kind of a weird day for me to take pictures of, I felt alone most of the time, but still good to document those types of days especially since I don't normally. I hope it was an enjoyable day for you.

Thanks for playing along. Please make sure and share a link if you're so inclined. I'd love to see what you were up to this month. It's crazy I was just thinking yesterday we only have one more month of the year left to do....this year has flown for me.

creative wednesday week 9

After Squam I got this crazy idea to put a chalk board in my kitchen (there was one in the beach house we stayed in). It's not the first time I've wanted to have a chalk board in my house. There have been countless times I've envisioned Adam and the girl's art gracing the wall, loving messages back and forth, and even daily reminders.




So I got started over the weekend and finished up yesterday. I pulled down the magnet boards, which I hadn't been loving for a while now, filled in the holes, masked off the area, and began to paint. I haven't seen the girls this excited about something in a long time. It's been like Christmas around here as they've anticipated being able to draw on it and make it theirs.

My other creative Wednesday project: yep you guessed it...

Yesterday I put the finishing touches on the gratitude journals. I assembled them all and got them ready for shipping. It really is a ton of work when you look at it step by step, but seeing the finished product makes it all worth it. I love the way they turned out and hope they are received and appreciated throughout 2011.

I am hoping to have some gratitude journals in my etsy shop in a week or two for all those interested. They will be a bit different, soft bound like paperback instead of hardbound. I'll give you the heads up when they go live in my shop. :)

Did you do anything creative this week?

***************************************************************************************

REMINDER
Oh and don't forget tomorrow is the 12th for all of you participating in 12of12. This month seemed on the longer side so I'm really looking forward to another round. Enjoy!!

wednesday miscellany

01. Anyone can slay a dragon, he told me, but try waking up every morning & loving the world all over again. That's what takes a real hero. ~storypeople

This storypeople started my morning out right with a big smile on my face. I guess you could say after listening to The Power thoughts of "loving" are constantly on my mind. While I don't find it difficult to love the people/things I love, I am, unfortunately, still needing mental reminders about loving the things I don't love. Some days it does feel a little like slaying dragons would be easier. I am finding, though, while focusing on the good that my outlook is not only brighter, but I'm enjoying the little things so much more. Thanks Jill for the book suggestion. I feel like the book plus my experience at Squam is changing me in the best way.



02. I am holding onto Autumn as long as mother nature will let me. This is one of the longest falls I can recall in several years now, in fact I don't remember being this far into November and still seeing so much color on the trees. While I can't keep up with how quickly it goes from snowy and cold to warm and sunny, I'm simply grateful it's taking it's time.


03. I had the privilege of hearing Neylan McBaine, the founder of Mormon Woman Project, speak last night at a church YW night. I was pleasantly surprise to see that she was the key note speaker and found myself mesmerized as I listened to quotes and stories from other Mormon women making a difference in their part of the world. What I took home with me is that no matter where we're from or what we believe, we all have a unique voice and something unique to offer each other...we should never be afraid to share who we are.



04. Thank goodness for classroom pets like brownie that allow us to get away with not having one of our very own.

our therapy

Whenever one of my girls comes home from school after a hard day they don't always want to talk about it, so instead of moping, we turn on the music and dance.















Does the trick, every time.

creative wednesday (3 weeks)

Never fear I have not given up on my creative Wednesdays it's just been a crazy couple of weeks since I've been gone so I'm here to report what I've been up to for the last 3 weeks.

Week 6
I was in North Carolina, but that doesn't mean I wasn't being creative. The whole week was a creative journey of sorts. Here are a few of the projects I worked on.






[Photo by Elizabeth MacCrellish]

What I realized while there is you don't have to be a painter to play around with paint. I finally let go of any ideals and realized that I am what I am and painting is not necessarily my thing and you know what...I am so ok with that. I'm more than ok. I paint because I enjoy it and once I put all my preconceived ideas aside, and just did it, I had more fun with a brush in my hand then I can remember. Hopefully this knew found knowledge will help encourage me to paint more often.

Week 7
Last Wednesday I spent the entire morning on my computer looking through 1000+ images and began to edit and share them with my friends from Squam. I actually couldn't believe how long it took, I really do minimal editing, but sorting through 1000+ images is time consuming no matter the subject.









It was an enjoyable process for me...it always is. One of my favorite things about traveling is looking through all the photos once I return. There has been so much time between taking the pictures and downloading them that I often surprise myself at what I find.
You can go here to see more images.

Week 8
Yesterday I was primarily working on the gratitude journals. I spent most of my morning redesigning the art to fit a different size only to find out I spent my time redesigning it to the wrong size so it has to be redone. Oh well, we live and learn. I'm doing this because I'm in the process of looking for a printing house to help me. I so believe in the power of what thinking about what we're grateful for on a daily basis can do and how it can change us that I want to be able to share these books with as many people as are interested.


So last night in my attempt to get back the time I lost, while my friend Jenica painted, I worked on the skeletons for gratitude journals. I have the guts and skeletons, now I just need to put it all together. I do love seeing them come together.

So what have you done creative in the last three weeks?

xoxo
amy gretchen

interruption

We had plans Friday night to go out, but last minute changed our minds because really all we wanted to do was lounge around the house and be lazy. Adam read to me from a 1079 page book he simply can't get enough of (infinite jest by david foster wallace). He was telling me all about the crazy acronyms and explaining how he often doesn't know what the author is taking about until hundreds of pages later when finally it is revealed. Sounds absolutely ludicrous to me, but he loves DFW and never wants the book to end.

We hadn't been reading too long when the little ones began to arrive. First Tess then Megan.



Adam in his, playing way, quickly pushed over the ottoman causing Tess to tumble to the floor. Apparently it was "so cool" Megan was asking for a turn and before we knew it our ottoman had becomes the next big thing.



I'm not sure why we ever thought we'd be able to get away with such luxury. Reading together in a quiet room...we should have known we were ripe for getting interrupted. They always have a way of knowing when you're comfortable? They can sense when you're relaxing and they won't have it. They'll find you, they will and mess with what little quiet time you have.

Perhaps it was all the acronyms keeping me lost in the story or perhaps it was hearing the laughter from across the room, but somehow I didn't seem to mind the interruption.

xo

use your voice

closer to whole

A few days into Squam I felt so out of place, like I didn't belong and had no idea what I was doing there. It was then that I had a moment with the founder Elizabeth MacCrellish. She in her great wisdom and intuition invited me into her space and would not let me leave no matter how much I pleaded through the tears, I'm fine. I'm good. Don't worry about me. She did not give up so easily, but worked with me patiently until I could put a name to my pain. I let her in and when I did I felt her sincere love and began to feel what I had been missing all this time. Thank you Elizabeth for seeing me. For really seeing me.

I've been trying to write for days the feelings in my heart of what this experience meant to me...what she means to me. I've been trying to share how she broke down my barriers and I went from feeling so unsure of myself to a woman full of peace and light. I've written about four different drafts and each time I walk away and come back to it something just doesn't feel right. It wasn't until my conversation with Adam this afternoon that I realized I'm trying to make sense of it by looking into the past and answering the question "Why? Why do I feel this way? Why did this happen?" when i should be taking what I've learned about myself and use it going forward.

I don't know why I don't feel like I deserve to be loved.
I don't know why I sometimes hold people at a distance.
I don't know why I can't see myself the way others do.
I don't know why I lack self confidence.
What I do know is I have a fire deep within me that Elizabeth lit. It is small and fragile, but it is very much alive and desires to grow. I've come to the conclusion that it cannot grow unless I choose to let it.



It is no wonder the word I chose to focus on this year is CHOOSE. It seems like so many things in my life keep coming back to this seemly simple, yet very powerful word. Am I going to choose to focus on these thoughts that tare me down or am I going to focus my energies in believing in myself and sharing what goodness I have to offer the world? I think that can be a very scary proposition. We have a huge risk at getting hurt when we open ourselves up, but I believe when we finally surrender and give all of ourselves we get all of the love and goodness back. I am in the process of continually learning when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable beautiful things happen and we are blessed because of it.

So today I'm choosing to be vulnerable. To focusing on the good. To focusing on the light. To focusing on love and letting myself heal from the past.



I woke up this morning to the quiet. I never thought I would miss the sound of the crashing waves repeatedly against the shore as much as I do. They are the sounds of a healing soul. Of a woman determined to make right a wounded heart. They are the sounds of women coming together with commonality. Of women connecting and relationships forming. I fell in love with the sea, with the sound of the waves, but really what I fell in love with are the women and their strength and their light. Something amazing happens we come together with the same hopes and desires...we all come away feeling feed, full, and closer to whole than when we arrived.

xoxo,
amy gretchen