First day of a new year.

She was thrilled this morning, excited and I dare say a little bit nervous to go to school. She even said in her prayer to bless that she wouldn't get embarrassed. I thought it was so sweet they way her mind works and that she knows praying will help her feel better.

It feels weird that the summer is over already. It went by this year in a blur and I fear the rest of the year will go just as quickly and how badly I want to slow down time, if just a bit.

Here are a few highlights of what we did this summer, yes, today I will be reminiscing, but not about the heat. I am ready for that to fade.

Tess and Megan start school next week after labor day. They are both itching to go and I am just as excited to have a few hours a week to myself. I'm going to have to think of something to fill the days until Wednesday comes. I fear it could be a long week for the both of them.

Happy Monday!!

crashing

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There's nothing like a really great day. A day so good that it brings on the best kind of exhaustion.

It reminded me so much of childhood, looking back and seeing how hard they slept after such a long day of playing hard.

projects

I've wanted to make this for a while, I've had the fabric for what seems like forever, but I never could find the time. Saturday I finally sat down and used my hands to satisfy my creative desire. It had been too long. It took longer than what I thought, but not long enough as I was listening to a book on my ipod and didn't want to stop. I'm just loving how quickly time will pass when getting lost in a novel.

Also last week, Monday while my kids where at their Nana's house, I finally finished the project I started last January. I repainted the cabinet and added the knobs I had purchased. I even moved it to a different location in my studio. To me it makes a huge difference to the room. I've always enjoyed rearranging.

I have others I want to share, but am waiting to develop the photos so I can share it when it's finished. I've been waiting since before I left for Europe. It's amazing what you'll get done when your trying to avoiding doing something else.

Hope everyone is having a fabulous Monday. I just love Mondays.

protection

So I've really been thinking about taking protecting my family to a new level. With increasingly horrific stories on the news I can't help, but wonder what more I could be doing.

I've mentioned this before on my blog, but of all the professionals Adam and I have spoken to over the years the one thing that will deter someone is a dog. So I've thought quite seriously about this the last couple of weeks. Adam, not really trying to say anything to convince me, wants this to be completely my decision since I was the one to bring it up in the first place. We started doing research in what kind of dog we wanted and we kept going back to English Bulldog, the type we had had years ago.

I struggle because really I don't want a dog. I am not a dog person. I don't want to take care of a dog. I don't want to smell the dog etc. etc. The list could go on and on. Despite how I feel I want to protect my family so I am fighting my desire to say, "Am I kidding? I don't want this!" when really I do or I should.

So last night we hoped into the car as a family to go meet a bulldog breeder 2 hours north of our house. I'm not sure what we were thinking at the time. It was crazy traffic and the girls still were not feeling their best. An hour into it Megan and Bella were crying because they just couldn't take it anymore. We stopped for a bit thinking we would just head back the hour we came, but after eating for a while we decided to push on since the girls were up for it. We had one more hour to go which seemed to go pretty good except Megan ended up throwing up, good thing we were prepared. By the time we got there we had been on the road for 4 hours. We laughed considering how far we could have gone in that amount of time.

Finally we made it to see the 3 puppies that were waiting for us. They were adorable and you know how puppies catch your eye, how lovable they are. Then the owner brought out the father. Fear ran through my body when I first laid eyes on him and I thought he would definitely keep someone away. He was big, much bigger than I remember Otto (our first bulldog) being. He came toward us and I wanted to run, it seemed I was not the only one as our girls squealed in terror and ran away. It was a funny site, but I completely understood...I was scared. Harley was his name. He came to me looking like he was going to jump up so I held him back. He was so thick I could barely move him. He was excited, but gentle. I could see how he could be a good family dog, but keep people away at the same time just by sheer presence. It was then, however, that I realized these puppies would grow up and almost certainly be big like their father. Am I really ready for this?

We talked for a while and then we put down money with the understanding that we would pick him up in a few weeks when our home was ready for him. I must admit I felt totally stressed all the way home. I just really don't want a dog. I am really really torn. I know we don't have to do it, but I also know I want to be safe and I know no other way.

So right now we are getting a puppy or at least we've bought one. I could change my mind at any moment, you know how bad I am at decisions. He is cute though, really cute and with Adam's promise to do his part it just may work. Who knows. I'll keep you posted.

fifteen years

His graduation 1992. I believe the last photo taken of us together.

One by Metallica plays in the background and it's all I can do to keep myself from hiding in a closet and letting the emotions overwhelm me. He made a talent show video to this song in high school and I watched it over and over and over again after his death trying desperately hard not to forget his memory. So this song in my mind is wrapped around his life. I can see him skiing, rock climbing, rollerblading in Moab, enjoying life to the fullest like he always did. It makes me happy to know that his life, though short, was full of goodness.

I have so many thoughts running through my head I don't even know how to make sense of them anymore. It's been fifteen years.

Sigh...

At times it seems like the other day and then other times I can see the distance between us.

I miss him.

Each and every day I miss him. I have fought to keep each detail as the years go by and thank God for each tender mercy that has reminded me of him in my life.

Megan came in while I was writing this and asked why I was so sad. She cried with me as I showed her photos and talked to her about how much I miss him, she's such a tender soul. When I look at my girls I see the time. I see fifteen years, but how much I love knowing he was with them. They knew him.

So with a calm heart I face this day with gratitude in my heart that I knew such a person. He has forever made an imprint on me and I am forever changed.

sickies

I have for the past two days been dealing with 2 very sick girls. It starting Monday night when Megan threw up several times and then Bella woke up that morning with the same surprise for me. It has been non stop for the both of them and all my energy has been spent pushing liquids. I was hoping it would be a one day thing, but alas it is still with us.

I hate to see them so sad. So lifeless. It has been so hard for me to watch Megan's little frail body laying over the toilet waiting for it to come. I hate feeling helpless, but at least I know I am doing what she needs...just being with her. It was a blessing that I finally got my photo order in the mail today so I could sift through and recall just how lively they were just a few days ago. I hope tomorrow will be a new day for them and that Tess, Adam, and I will be spared a few days in bed.

Although it's hard to deal with, I have had more time while they sat and watched TV to work on project around the house. I organized all the school papers/art from last year that I had in different files and I'm so glad I did because I found this of Bella's that I had never read.

"Poem cleaning good"

"Today is great because we cleaned so well. We set the timer for 1 minute in megan's room. We did it before it went off. And in the basement it was 4 minutes and bam before it stoped we were done."

and then this

"To: Tess Megan Mom Dad
Please sine up for picking a prize and use it for a hour OK. Then you guys can get a presant for me."

I don't recall the reason behind the second one, but it cracked me up nevertheless. I guess something good has come of today. I love find stuff like this.

a sign

I have lots of stories from my European trip that I will probably share from time to time.

I was looking through my photos again getting ready to print some and came across this one that I saw all over europe.

I just thought it was so funny that they had a sign to remind everyone they were in fact not allowed to take off their cloths. I am sure this photo is of a man in a swimming suit since over there tight suits are seen everywhere, but of course I initially thought it was about, well I'm sure you get it.

them

It has been strange watching Bella and Tess get close and see Megan left behind. It's a natural way of things with Megan younger and more annoying...you know the constant wrecking of toys or just not understanding how to play a game. I have felt bad for Megan many times as the girls cheer when it's her nap time or ask me to help keep her out of their room. I always thought one day she would find her way.

Well, I've been noticing as of late Megan and Tess have been buddying around much more. Perhaps it comes more with age and the fact that they did just have 9 months together while Bella was at school all day to find each other. It has been fun for me to watch them grow and find what works for them. They're so much a like I can see how they fell into play quite easily despite the fact that there really was no one else to play with, but me.

I am glad my girls have each other. That they are finding how to get along and not get along as it seems too much of the time. I pray as they get older they will find that safe place in each other, that being sisters will go way beyond relations, but best friends. It's something I dream for them and as I look at this photo of Tess and Megan and remember how they were telling each other secrets I realize they're right on their way.

focus on Megan

12:29:35 PM

12:29:53 PM

12:30:26 PM

It was so funny to realize how quickly she went from excitement to pure terror to enjoying the ride once again. Almost 1 minute.

She has been asking to go back ever since.

palpable

There we were, eating Sunday dinner a couple weeks ago when it hit me, sitting at the table with me was just my parents and siblings. It was strange the way it all work out. For the first 11 days of my sister's visit it was just my parents, my sister and brother, our kids, and of course me. Jeni's husband Scott was at scout camp/work so he didn't drive down with her. Chris' wife Amy was home with their new baby helping her to stay sick free, and my Adam hurt his back and was home out of commission. It was something that hadn't happened in years.

When I first realized it was just us the small feeling I carry with me, every holiday, every time my family gets together became overpowering. It's a feeling I am much to familiar with, but still not at all comfortable facing. The overwhelming feeling of incompleteness that has been with me for the past coming on 15 years next week. The constant void. It's thick. Dense. To the point where I feel I can almost reach out and touch it. How badly I would love to push it aside, but I hold it close as not to loose it.

A few days ago when I thought about it again I realized why most of the time my sister was in town I had been haunted once again with the question about adding to my family. I'm chasing to fill that emptiness I have. Somehow I think if my family was bigger I wouldn't be as affected by these feelings. I am smart enough to know that is impossible mostly because I don't want to let it go. As unhealthy as that sounds to the Psychologists out there, I would rather hold on than forget.

So I embrace it. Thank God each day that I have it. And live to remember what I had and what I will one day have again.

where to begin

I'm not even sure where to begin. I have lots to share from the past several weeks, thoughts I've had, events that have happened, bloggers I've seen, projects I've worked on, etc. So today I figure I would just give a recap of photos from my sisters visit and share the stories in the days to come.

swimming

miniature golfing

It was particularly funny watching Megan play. She would hit the ball toward the hole, grab it most times while moving, and then place it next to the hole where she would precede to hit it in. As I figure what a great way to play...you are always assured 2 par per hole.

Library

Children's discovery

I ran into a blogger while there...none other than Claudia herself. I probably would have been more shocked if i hadn't just seen her at the blog party. I wish I had got a photo of us, but nevertheless it was fun to see her.

amusement park

While going on the skyride with my mom she leaned back and said, "life is good!". I'm really glad she can recognize what she has.

And look who stopped by my parents house on Saturday

Darling Mindy. It was fun to see her and talk a while.

inseparable

It has been a crazy couple of weeks. Like I said my sister's been in town and pretty much life shuts down. I'm never home and when I am I just want to get out because the stuff that needs to get done just overwhelms me. I have piles of laundry to do, overall cleaning of my house, bills to pay, etc...not to mention all the stuff I want to do that doesn't get done like blogging and/or reading. Despite all that I walk away from I really enjoy getting away from my normal routine and taking this break. It's something I look forward to every summer.

One thing I don't want to forget during this little break and hopefully they won't either is just how much Tess and Alan enjoyed each other. Always looking for the other and wanting to do what the other is doing. They play so good together and I'm sad for them to have to part ways. It's depressing to have family living so far away.

So although it's a crazy couple of weeks, I really wouldn't have it any other way.

mini vacation

My sister's in town and so my mini vacation begins. We are headed for St. George for the next few days to enjoy an even hotter climate. What are we doing??? I don't know, but at least we will have a pool and a really good air conditioner.

The best part about her being in town, other than just being able to hang out with her, is to see how excited the kids are to spend time together. It makes me so sad that she doesn't live here, but I'm so grateful she is willing to spend her summer vacation coming to see us. Maybe someday we will live close, but for now we will make the most of what we have.

solo

Yesterday went way too fast. I pretty much scrapbooked until Adam came home and then went to a dinner and a movie. It was nice going out on a week day without having to worry about taking care of the kids. We saw "Evening" a huge let down. We both agreed it looked good based on the trailer, but it was way way slow. The sad thing is it could have been a great movie if done right. Anyway, I guess there was one scene that made it kind of worth spending 2 hours watching it and of course it was nice that it was dark and cool.

Today I hit the town and went shopping. It's exhausting, but once again nice to do it by myself and come home and lay down in peace. I got a few things for the girls for the new school year. Not a lot of warm stuff out yet and since I'm not one to buy fall and winter separately I stuck with pants and shoes. I was also able to hook up with Crystalyn for lunch since her mother-in-law takes her older kids on Fridays. It has been a great afternoon. Thanks Jill.

So now I'm resting waiting for Adam to come home so we can pick the girls up. You know I must say I'm looking forward to it. It is nice to have a chance to miss them.

As promised here are the layouts I did yesterday. Click here to see them larger.

2 days

Jill has graciously offered to have my kids over for another sleep over for the next two days. Dare I say she misses them! I'm grateful for this opportunity because it's one thing to go on vacation without kids, but it's an entirely different ball game to be home with all you stuff and no kids. Adam asked me last night what I was going to do with all my time and I wasn't entirely sure. Usually I'm scrambling about trying to make all the time count, but getting today and tomorrow I've relaxed a bit. I was up by 6am showered, eaten, and posted before 8am so I'm right on my way to making the most of this day.

The other day while I was working on my Europe photos Bella and Tess pulled out the scrapbooks and started looking through them. I love that they're enjoying them because really it's the reason I started doing it in the first place. Unfortunately, I haven't been scrapbooking as much as I would like and quite honestly it makes me sad. I love documenting life in such a way and it's proving to be a great way for us all to relive those moments. I am grateful that blogging has helped me to remember times, thoughts I've had that would have already been lost, but I miss the act of it. I love creating in that way.

So today I think I will stay at home, be a home body if you will, and scrapbook. Tomorrow....maybe shopping. Still not there yet.

enjoy your thursday!

three

The day we've been talking about in our home for months now. I think it actually first came up after Bella's birthday (March) and hasn't stopped since then. She has been so excited for this day to come, literally she has asked about it daily. So she woke up this morning glassy eyed as if nothing were different. I sang to her, gave her loves, and celebrated her day, but it seemed I was celebrating on my own. Somehow we went from being very open and ecstatic about a birthday to very shy almost casual as if she didn't care. What?!? She's doing the same silly thing Tess does on her birthday, craving attention, but can't handle it at the same time. A mystery!

So I went with the punches. We had breakfast and then started decorating her birthday cake, which I must say she was thrilled about and told me it was the "beth cake ever!". Can't tell you what that did to my self-esteem...i love that girl. My mom called to wish her a happy birthday and she wouldn't talked to her only listen. Again WHAT?! That's all this girl does is talk, but apparently not on her day. Her Dad called, same treatment. The whole thing is too funny for me.

I'm not sure what I can share about this delightful girl that I have not already shared. She is certainly one of a kind. A little girl who can have me crying and laughing in the same breath.

1. She does say "I love you" on a regular basis, but every now and then she will say, "I like you". I will always come back with "I love you Megan" and her response, "I like you a lot." Cracks me up every time.
2. She changes her cloths all the time and when I ask her about it she says, "I just changed my mind."
3. We trade off between swimming suits and ballerina outfits daily.
   
4. One afternoon she got out a sucker and asked if she could eat it. I said "no" because there wasn't enough for everyone. She stopped and said, "I don't want one for everyone."
   

Got to love her and her persistent ways.

self proclaimed reader

By the looks of this photo I am a serious reader when in fact I am not. I guess you could say I just look serious when I read. HA!

I've never fancied myself a reader before. It's not that I don't enjoy reading, but there's always something else more inviting calling my name, usually something creative. There have been times in my life when I read more (novel types), where I have to have a book going constantly, but it's been a while since I've been on a reading kick. I guess you could say I'm in one of those right now.

Since my trip I've read 4 books and I'm working on my 5th. Yes they have been more of a lighter read, but I am slowly working my way in from the romance teen novels to the tragedy that most fiction and non-fiction alike eventually take you...a journey I have been reluctant to go on that I am now willing to experience. Go figure, I'm changing my ways. Individuals who know me should be very proud.

Right now I am reading The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell. A book Adam told me about years ago that sounded so fascinating that I am now giving a chance. It's a book about how little things can make a big difference. On of the back sleeve it reads, "...it is a road map to change, with a profoundly hopeful message..." Sounds like a concept I can get behind. Anyway, I guess I'll let you know what I think when I'm done.

Thanks to Michelle O., up next I will be reading The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls. I just bought it on Amazon the other day and am really looking forward to sinking my teeth into a tragedy because really a memoir without tragedy...well those books don't get published.

What are you reading this summer? What is your favorite book(s)? I'm looking for ideas.