living with intention

This is something I think a lot about. I have this deep fear at the end of it all I will look back on my life and regret many things. Not necessarily the decisions I made, but the way I lived. Because of my unfortunate death complex I hold back too often. Protect myself from the inevitable feeling of loosing someone. I am tired of the way this keeps me from truly living and experiencing fully what is most beautiful about living on this earth. Its time to let go. To allow myself to live recklessly with my feelings. Open up to the possibility of greatness instead of stopping short. Keeping in line with what I believe and allowing myself to be who I am. Giving it my all and loving every minute no matter what.

crazy day

Last night I was busy scrapbooking and I got a phone call from my neighbor. She asked if I could watch her two kids (4&2 girls) for a few hours this morning. I was glad I was able to help her out as Thursday is my slowest day of the week. I also knew the girls would be so excited to have them over. Then this morning another neighbor called and asked if her two kids could come over and play (5&2 boys) because her babysitter had to cancel on her due to being sick. I figured if its going to be madness it might as well be madness with more kids. So there I was with 4 extra kids and actually it went better than I thought. They all know each other and played so well together. Once the boys left the girls all played dress up. It was interesting to see...Bella usually does not indulge Tess by playing dress up, but she did today. So by the time everyone left I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was lay down, but of course there were more workers in my home, which made it a bit difficult. And of course I couldn't even use the bathroom so I couldn't wait for them to leave.

In other great news. There is either something wrong with my camera or CF card. I really think it is my CF card, but I have to take it into a store to find out as I don't have an extra card. It is more of a hassel than anything as I know it can be easily replaced but it is just time that I don't want to wait. Oh well.

Oh and one more thing...why am I so d$#n tired all the time? I have been dragging all day. Is there something seriously wrong with me or should I just face the fact that having kids is exhausting?

later.

beginning to the end... house exterior

Six months ago we started this insane project. I suppose it wasn't insane, but it sure felt a bit crazy...buying a new house, rennovating it, and moving from our cozy life. Something we had already done in the past and one that I wasn't too eager to start again. It was not an easy process and for me one that came with lots of frustrations, but now that it's over I couldn't be more grateful for the decision and ablity to make this dream a reality. I guess you never really get anything of value without work (blood sweet and tears). I love love love this house. Could not be happier with the results.

click on photo for bigger view

3:30pm on...

Today started out well. I was all geared up to be productive even if I was up at 6:30am again. I was on task and getting things done, but for some reason 3:30pm til Adam gets home is my witching hour. It is the hardest part of the day. So within a 2 hour span I went from good day to crappy day. Nothing went right and it seemed like all the girls were doing were yelling at me, complaining, or fighting. I am so disappointed my day can change so quickly.

I'm trying to keep it positive so the only thing I can do to lift my spirits is make another G.list.

1. blogs. I am really enjoying reading and connecting with others through blogs. It has changed my whole internet experience. It keeps me thinking.
2. burnt almond fudge icecream. (lori did you buy and leave this on purpose?)
3. finding something lost. Below is the layout I found in a binder all alone while setting up my studio. I don't know when I did it, but it had to be close to a year ago. I remember doing it for my personal scrapbook I had planned on doing 8.5x11, now I am not so sure. (photo by jill dec2004)
4. a clean kitchen (sadly mine is not clean right now)
5. mellow music



Hope your day ends better than mine. Though I must say, I do have high hope for the evening. Spending time with Adam and 24 is going to be on.

birthday festivities

Happy Birthday Adam!

He turned 33 today. I hope he had a great day starting with sleeping in...not so lucky for me who was up at 6am with Megan and Bella. He does deserve it as he usually wakes up with the kids on the weekends. He told me how he was really going to enjoy having his birthday on Sunday because there would be no possible reason to work. So I tried to make all his favorites for dinner and had the family over to celebrate.

So in honor of him I just want to tell you a few things about my husband that I adore. He makes me laugh constantly. He is my best friend and feel so close to him knowing we can talk about anything. He makes me want to be a better person. He makes me look at my life differently and want more out of myself, out of life. He is an extremely hard worker. He is the best father I could imagine and a better husband than I probably deserve. I am a lucky girl just to know him. I am a lucky girl to get to be with him for forever.
























a few other surprises about the day.

1. Jill and Randy brought us a house warming gift. Totally unexpected and appreciated. Not only did they give us the same jars they have that I have always liked, but they were loaded with goodies. Thank you Stuarts.
2. I was able to open a few gifts as well. Ok this was not a surprise as I knew I was going to do this since we didn't officially have a party, but still a lot of fun to get to open something as well. Thank you.

So all and all it was a great day with family. It was the first time in the house I really felt like we lived here. It was the first real meal and the first time we had people over. So grateful we were able to do it.

photos by Jill

my studio

I have been very excited about this. I have talked about this for weeks now and thursday night I stayed up until 1:30am working and organizing all my stuff. It was a lot of fun going through everything and remembering what I had. I actually found a layout I had done months ago and forgotten about (will post later).

What can I say I feel like a very lucky girl. I have a great room with awesome natural light (never had that before and never thought I would), a perfect desk to work at standing up or sitting down with lots of space for storage, a deep big closet that allows me to store pretty much everything. The only thing I haven't figured out yet is where to put my stamps. The shelf adam made for me is too big so hopefully soon I will be able to come up with something.

I feel grateful that I have this space just for me. A place to learn, explore, create. Can't wait to get busy.

6:30am

You guessed it...this is my wake up time. Not wake up and have some time to myself wake up time...no wake up to the girls running in my room getting in my bed, fighting over who gets to lay by who, and asking for food. I don't get it. Yes, they go to bed at an early time, but even if they go to bed at 11pm, like on game nights, they still wake up bright and early. It's sort of a running joke between Adam and I because there is no more sleeping in on weekends, expect of course if we are planning on getting up early. You know bagel day was based on the fact that the girls woke up so early. Megan was just a baby and Adam was trying to give us both more time to sleep so he took Bella and Tess out of the house. Where else can you go at 7am on Saturday? I don't even think Adam sets an alarm clock anymore. We just know what time we are going to be woken up. This morning I heard them coming rolled over to look at the clock, and sure enough it was 6:.30 sharp. No Joke. This is no joke. It is a problem and I would like to get it solved. I will never understand those of you who have kids who sleep in. Never! I am waiting madly for day light saving and hope that will still and allow me 1 more hour of peace. I can only hope.

it just keeps coming!

I never realized I wasn't getting my mail regularly and that with my birthday I just might get a letter or two. So of course I was surpirsed when the mailman delivered two packages and other awesome letters. One was from my sister with a bunch of cards from her kids and another year of Simple Scrapbooks mag. Another beautiful card was from Michelle wishing me a happy birthday. And yet another from Jenn who sent me a very cute card with scrapbooks embellishments. I can't even begin to tell you what a shock this was. I just sat there at my kitchen table holding back the tears. I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but it was just the thing I needed for the day I was having. Thank you thank you thank you. How can I thank you enough for thinking of me and taking time out of your busy schedule. It would have been great to get this on my birthday but to have it come today was even better. I needed it. I needed it today. Funny how things always have a way of working out.



G.list
1. good mail
2. good vaccum
3. chocolate
4. time alone with tess
5. my bed

Thank you robyn and family

This morning one of the many guys working on our house came to tell me someone was here for a delivery. Thinking it was just something for the house I was surpised by a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I figured they were for me because who else would they be for. I also figured it was for my birthday since they called and left a message Saturday telling me they were trying to make a delivery. I had know idea who they were from and was quite excited to find out since I knew it wasn't Adam....he had told me as much. When I opened the card I saw that it was from Robyn and her adorable new family. It made me so happy and so sad at the same time. Happy that they would think of me, especially with all that is going on and sad that I will be unable to see them when we celebrate. Thank you so much robyn it meant a lot to me and made my day. Now everytime I look at them I will be reminded of how blessed I truly am.

gratitude...G list

So I have been thinking. The problem with me is I have a great life, I have wonderful loving people around me, I have so much to be grateful for, but when I speak the only things that surface are all the things around me that I don't like. I allow the negativity to emerge and become me and I hate that. I truly hate complaining and getting frustrated and only focusing on what is wrong instead of the beauty of life. The gifts that I have been given. I can say it over and over and over, but until I start appreciating what I have I am going to open my eyes and realize its gone. So I have decided to start a gratitude post. Something to help me knock out all those negative thoughts because it does not benefit me and it certainly doesn't benefit those around me.

1. Adam. He is a great guy and I know I don't give him enough credit. I feel so lucky to have him. So lucky to have someone who loves me so much and wants nothing but my happiness. I truly hope I can do/be the same for him.
2. My girls. This goes with out saying, but I think to hear me talk sometimes you might wonder if I am grateful for my children. I never want to convey the message that they are not everything to me. It is hard when exhausted, many things to do and I am being bothered by some small minute thing (at least it feels that way to me), but that are my joy and at the end of the day I am so grateful to have them. They make me smile, I love to have fun with them, to learn from them, and be constantly reminded why I am here.
3. My body. That I have a chance to live on this earth. That I have a chance to prove myself and to make my own choices along the way. At some point I made the right decision to come down here and want nothing more than to get back. I need to always remember...I made the right choice I can certainly do it again.
4. Support and love from family. I have an awesome family. I don't even know how to thank them, they have done so much for me. I am so indebted to them all.
5. Last but certainly not least for this list...The gospel. Without it I have no idea where I would be. It is the one thing I can cleave to when discouraged and frustrated. It is the one thing I know will lift my spirits when I just don't want to hear it from anyone else. It keeps me going when I want to give up. It keeps my head high. It keeps me from feeling all is lost. It keeps me wanting to try harder. To make this time count. It keeps me happy. It is the center of it all. What a gift to have when this world is full of so much discouragement.

I am happy. I am grateful. I have a ton to work on. If I could only convey that and hopefully with this exercise I will.

life is beautiful!

I almost conisdered not going to the spa

I was on my way to the day at the spa and Adam decided to give me my birthday gift. Oh my...it was the desk I wanted. The one from pottery barn that I desperately wanted, but didn't want to spend $1200 to get. Adam had someone make it. It was perfect. Exactly what I wanted. I couldn't believe it. I was shocked. I had no idea he was going to do this. He could not have pick a more perfect gift. Thanks babe. I love it.

So all the way to the spa I just kept thinking about turning around and putting my room together. I had to stop myself from thinking about it during my massage. What can I say I was so excited. I had planned on starting to unpack my studio this next week while adam is out of town, but now I am twice as excited to set up and get to work.

can't wait to show you.

I'm 30

It is hard for me to believe that I am actually THIRTY. I mean on the inside I feel like a naive 24 year old. At times when I look back at all that I have done, what I have been through I realize I have lived and have experienced life. Not always how I would have like, but I feel I have learned from my mistakes (most of the time). However, I find myself stagnant in areas. Like I am waiting for someone else to do the work for me. So much of myself I want to reinvent and do better...more selfless, happier, positive, confident, and to rise above the pressures I put on myself. Perhaps that's what my thirties will be about. Taking my core and making it stronger. I know there is a great confident person inside of me it just doesn't always get to show itself. I am determined in 10 years, when I'm forty, to really love what I see. No matter the circumstances I find my life in.

always something

wasn't this suppose to be the big 30 weekend.

sign....

I don't know why I'm surprised, its always something. Truly it's not that big of a deal. I mean I know I was talking big about turning 30, but really I don't want it to be a big deal. However, when you are face with nothing at all it's very disappointing. I have received a lot of offers from my family about keeping my party on track and making my all day spa retreat possible. I so appreciate everyone support. It makes you realize how much everyone does love me. So thanks everyone. I love you for wanting me to have an awesome 30th. So the spa is still on but the party will have to wait.

So after today's disaster, what i thought would be a great night out that ended in a hospital and pharmacy trip (a knee injury for adam earlier today), I came back needing something for myself. So here I am in the hallway right outside Bella's door. It was the only place my cord reached in order to hook up to the internet. A bit uncomfortable ok really uncomfortable, but anything to get myself updated like I have been thinking about all week. Make sure to check my photo blog, I am posting. Acutally you may want to review some of my older post from the last few weeks as I will try to add photos.

Here's to the next 10 minutes where I am still 29.
I am savorying everyone.

score

I totally scored at Walmart yesterday while shopping for waste baskets and such. I stumbled upon 6" foam letters for $.88. When I first saw them I thought they were wood and couldn't believe they were so cheap. Of couse there was a reason for it, they were made from that very dense foam. The colors were spring and perfect for my kids rooms. I bought all that I could (I looked for everyone I knew) which actually turned out to be 3. The selection was scares and was unable to find the letter M among others. If anyone goes to walmart (Jill) will you look for the letter M. I have decided to put them on the outside of the girls bedroom door. I wanted a green B but was only able to find blue so hopfully that will do for Bella.

Anyway if you're interested in finding these letters I believe they only have them at the big walmart superstores in the craft area.

Good Luck

As promised edited to add the photo.

life is much better when well!

I am feeling so much better and so has my mood. I think it also helps that Adam went and picked up our mail yesterday. I had 2 magazine waiting....perfect for an evening lying in bed. He even went out and bought a mailbox, but it is yet installed. We need to wait for the siding to get done, which should be Friday. Looking forward to that. I know Tess really likes the house pink, but I am tired of it.

The house is looking much better on the inside. I hung my magnet boards and was able to get the laundry room decluttered so I can walk in it now. I would really like to start hanging pictures, but they are still waiting for us at our old house. That will probably have to wait for after Adam's trip.

Anyway, thought I would post and say I am doing better...much better. I don't know why I try to talk to anyone when life is crazy and I don't feel good. There is nothing worth saying because it all comes out negative. Though, sometimes you just need to get it out.

edited to add photo (I suppose I could have taken a picture with the kitchen instead of just the wall.)

my thoughts....an update

1. Finally was able to get my dryer working. Can't believe how badly I needed it considering the events of the weekend with kids vomiting and such. So I have an enormous pile of laundry just waiting for me to do...along with boxes cluttering my path.

2. I may get a chance to be in this house without workers all around. Yesterday the electricians came in and made a huge mess, which I cleaned up and took 1 hour. Today they came and did the same thing. The problem is I feel really crappy (I fear I am getting the kids sickness) and all I want to do is lay down, but these guys are everywhere. There is no peace and no quiet.

3. I haven't even begun to work on my studio. Its just sitting there full of boxes. I am planning on working on it next week while Adam is out of town. Yes, lucky me! Adam is leaving for a week. Not looking forward to that.

4. Really grateful that all is well with my sister-in-law Robyn who had her baby on the 20th. Must say I am very jealous she was able to deliver on her due date. I suppose I will never know what that is like. Click here to see pictures of her adorable little girl they named Ashely. I can't believe the first time I see her she will no longer be a new born or baby for that matter. I hope it is not that long.

5. I haven't got my mail in over a week and never realized how much I miss it. I mean I never get good mail, but I do have magazines on the way and I am desperate for something. The mail was suppose to resume yesterday, but still no mail box.

6. Weeks ago even months ago I was quite excited about the 25th, but now I don't really care. It doesn't really seem that important to me anymore. I suppose with my life so out of wack I just want it to be normal again and haven't thought about anything else. Even last night I was just begging to be at my old house again. Normalcy...I am craving it. Don't get me wrong I love this house. Love what we've created. Its just is not home yet. Sort of unfamiliar territory and I am not quite sure how to live here yet.

7. I miss TV/Tivo. Did I just say that? I am not really addicted but last night being tried and feeling low I just wanted to crash in front of the screen and watch something. Alas it was not happening. I don't want to say it is impossible and I do have something set up, but there is not chair to sit in but our wooden dinning room set. Not very comfortable for just lounging.

8. I love being so close to bella's school. 2 minutes away. She even said to me yesterday what a quick ride it was.

9. Tess has been sleeping in her very own room since we've lived here. Many doubted but she is doing great. She likes the big bed. Bella loves having her own room as well. She said she is excited because Tess snores.

1o. Still am unable to download my photos as my computer is not yet hooked up. I am hoping it will be soon. Waiting for the cable to be connected on our addition. Looking forward to blogging 100%.

Just a few things that are going on and going thorugh my mind.

our weekend

You would not believe my weekend.

When we finally got our children back from Jill, Bella vomited at Training table. Complete story here. Thinking the worst was behind us Megan vomitted that night twice. Which means I was up with her and not sleeping. Yet again thinking the worst was behind us on Sunday while playing hide and seek with Lolo and the girls we noticed a huge wet spot around the utility room. Doing our best to clean it up Adam ran to get a fan from our old house and rented a vaccum to suck up as much water as possible. Again for the 4th time thinking what else could happen to us this weekend after adam took a shower he went to check on our basement and realized it was flooded again. After using the wet vac we realized it was coming from the drain. Turns out our sanitary sewer was backed up. I couldn't believe it. Luckily we were able to get a plumber here ASAP to fix the problem. Still I had brand new carpet that was ruined and wet. I found out that it is a big deal and one the can cause major problems with bacteria growing and such if not taking care of. So all day I have been looking for someone to help us. I finally found a guy who would come in replace the pad and disinfect the area, then once completely dry clean the carpet.

Is someone trying my patience here. I hope I past because despite all that went down I am fine. NO freak outs. No why me. Just delt with the problem. I really hope it is all behind us now. Most likely not. Like Lori said, "home ownership is a bitch." No Doubt!

in the weeds!

An expression used in restraunts when a server is over their head. When they can't keep up and they don't know who needs what...etc. I am feeling a bit of that today. It is hitting me how much needs to get done before tomorrow comes. I am trying to not think about it much or else I will shut down and do nothing. I am feeling overwelmed. At least it all has a purpose and the end result is deperately needed.

The house is a mess and needs to be cleaned up. I was able to get the kitchen wiped down, but then adam and I made a huge mess hanging the microwave. Now don't get jealous Jill, this is a vaccum lovers dream, I have the pleasure of vaccuming the new carpet floors for the first time. Who wouldn't die to do that? HA! Not my favorite of jobs, but it is a quick way of helping a room look finished. Actually it is mainly a whole lot of vaccuming and mopping up. Dust is everywhere and lets just face it contractors could care less about your stuff. So I am excited to get the floors looking new again. Bathrooms. Need to finish closets for the girls. Moving fragile items ourselves. etc. I haven't even scratched the surface of the stuff that needs happen, but I am not complaining. I am excited to get in and get it done so I can move and get my life on track. I have been waiting for six months and i am sooooo ready.

Thanks mom for helping me with the kids. I couldn't do it without your help.

Have a great day. Wish me luck.

Valentines

I always look forward to the day…mainly because I am a sucker for romance. This year was different. Due to what is going on at our house (move) the only reason I remembered Valentine’s was because the girls took them to school. We had made valentines to send out, but alas they are still here. Just one of those things that usually happens. I always have the best intentions but my follow thourgh isn't the best.

I woke up this morning knowing what was in store and not really caring. Not that I didn’t care about what this holiday represents, but I felt I understood what we are up against this week and know a gift or no gift does not define our relationship. Luckily Adam and I were able to get together for lunch and that was all I needed…some time together. Acutally I saw him later in the day and we installed the microwave. GOOD TIMES!

bella's recital

My sweet Bella had a violin recital tonight playing the 17 songs from book one for all her family. It was something she had agreed to do, but not at all excited about. In fact eariler in the day after we had practiced she said, "mom, I just need some time to myself". I could tell she was struggling. Honestly I wasn't sure if she would actually go through with it. The last time she had agreed to play for someone she looked at me and said "mom my violin won't play". I kept telling myself with her teacher there she would be fine and be able to play like she does when she's practicing. I am happy to report Bella was fabulous. She did such a great job and I am so proud of her for doing it. I know it wasn't easy, but she went out and did the uncomfortable thing and learned something from the experience. Well done Bella.

As I sat there watching her all I could think about was this past year. Her violin experience has really been a journey for the both of us. It is a lot of work, but she is definitely committed. I am committed. I am so grateful we can share this together.

Thanks to all our family who came out to support her. She even commented about how everyone was there just for her. Thank you for making her feel so special.

photo by Jill

"we're partners, right?"

His famous last words or I guess I should say first words. It was the first thing he said to me this morning when we met each other at fort union to orgainze boxes etc. I didn't think much of it but he now needs a new line. I will be highly suspicious of this again. After feeling me out and realizing my mood he drop the bomb shell. I was mad. I was really mad. Surprisingly i was level headed and just wanted answers. Just wanted someone to admit wrong doing. After assessing the damage we realized we really needed to wait a few days to move and once we had decided that the carpet installer informed us he would not be done and would have to finish Monday. Well that just sealed our fate. It would be later in the week for sure. We threw up our hands called off our cleaning party, which was desperately needed, and went to lunch.

It seems like problems like this have come up constantly through this whole experience. Is this just our luck or what? Just another mark in my book for never doing this again. I am grateful for what we have created and how much it will benefit us, but I am so glad it is almost over.

All and all it was a wasted day or it wasn't. I believe Adam and I triumph. We really were partners today. We stood together and fixed the problem instead of dwelling, something I am all too good at doing. Can't believe with all this mess I am happy.

since when...

did going to the doctors equal a relaxing experience? I never would have guessed, but there I was in the waiting room around a lot of pregnant woman loving that I wasn't pregnant, sitting in a comfy chair reading in peace. I sat there for about 1 hour and 20 minutes because they were running so late. I didn't even mind. By the time I was called back I had no idea how much time had past...usually i'm counting the minutes.

Not to go into details, but the whole thing is very minor for me. I mean after 3 kids I just don't care anymore. Plus in a strange way I like to know all is well and that I am healthy (I believe I could endure a lot to have that reassurance). Anyway, I think the hardest part was the doctor telling me, while doing the boob exam, how sad it is woman have to loose breast tissue after they nurse. Ya, it sucks/sucked. I don't know I appreciated it at that moment. He was trying to be sympathetic, but I felt really angry that's a side effect. It beats the last time when he, while doing the boob exam, said "is there any changes, refferring to my boobs, other than loss of breast tissue?" Like a knife. Ya no changes. Dude that is the biggest change of them all. Very frustrating. So I have come to this conclusion, either be quiet and live with them or do something about it. Haven't figured that one out yet.

I in know way want to go back for another year, but i feels good knowing that all is well.

love and logic

On tuesday morning I went to a play/parenting group that the RS started. It is a chance to get together with mothers in the ward, let the kids play, and talk about the book "parenting with love and logic". I have heard of this style of parenting from lots of friends who love it and after today's gathering I decided I must give it a try. I have needed something for a long time as I feel I am not naturally a good mother and don't really know what to do or how do get my children to do what I want (is that even possible?). Anyway I went out that day to BN, bought the book and started reading. I couldn't put it down. "Basically, this book is about how to create a positive learning environment for our children, by giving them control of non-essential choices designed to be the desired outcome regardless of which choice they choose. It also provides some great insight into how to create a trusting and positive environment while teaching some positive habits."Thank you Michael Erisman for that comment on amazon. It is full of a lot of great info. I must admit though, like always I find myself getting discouraged. I just am uncertain how I can come up with the right questions at the appropriate times (must read book). But I am happy to report a few of the senerios have already worked. Tess ate her dinner last night...all of it. I think the hard part will be to keep it going...applying the principles. Allowing my child to make a choice then me living with what they decide. I know I have not done this book justice. There is so much information it is hard for me to sum it up in a few words, which is why I used Michael's. If you are looking for some help. Some parenting advice. I recommend this.

So far so good. Til next time.

my space

I am dying to get to my stuff. Every time I turn around there is something I need on my computer or a project I want to work on i.e. Jill's challenge. I just want to be in my own space, my own house with my own things. Funny my kids are dying for that as well. Tess asked me everyday when we are going to sleep at the new house. Soon! I am really looking forward to Monday. We plan to make Valentines day the first day we spend the night.

Here's to big things next week.

new hair cut

I got my hair cut yesterday. I have beeing thinking about it for awhile now, but just decided it was time. I found a photo I liked and went for it. Ok I suppose It wasn't all that daring considering it's just shorter. (Much shorter...to my shoulders.) I cut 3 inches off. I really like it. It was the first time in ages that I have left the salon liking my hair and the style. Thanks Lori for hooking me up. I liked Emily a lot and will be going back. I wish I could share a photo.

Photo courtesy of the fabulous Jill Stuart