indoor sunlight

"...I offer a quiet prayer of thanks each time I see the sunlight." ~storypeople

the pendulum swing

Adam's constantly reminding me how I always have these huge dynamic swings from one emotion/thought to the next almost in the same breathe. I try to deny it, but it's true. I do swing from one end of the spectrum to the other pretty hard, pretty fast.

He left for the week so it's just me and the girls and nothing else standing in our way. Why does that intimidate me so? It's not like I haven't done days alone before, but with last week feeling like it was a month long I have some hesitation about this week. Even now I'm wondering how I'm going to fill the rest of the day...

and the pendulum swings to the left.

Then I realize I shouldn't be overwhelmed,
#1 Jill has offered to take my girls Wednesday afternoon to Friday morning and am grateful to her for her generosity. She will definitely be the buffer that helps take the edge off the week/weekend.
#2 Originally Adam and I had planned on taking the girls to Lagoon tomorrow for Stake Lagoon Day so I'm still going ahead with our plans without him. One more day down.
#3 I have a night with friends planned (bookclub), which will help fuel me.


#4 I see this picture of my girls, helping, like they always do and I'm reminded that I have no reason to be intimidated. a) I've done this numerous times before, and b) We have a good time together, laughing, playing games, watching movies, eating popcorn, making pizza, and dancing around the house. We got this.

So with the week a little more under my control, I'm feeling good and confident about going forward.

...and the pendulum swings to the right.

12of12 | June

[click here to enlarge]

01. It was a lazy delightful morning. Adam and I stayed in bed talking (mostly heavy) til 8:30a. We were both shocked when we realized the kids had waited that long to go to the bagel store.
02. Bananas from the always present grocery store visit on Saturday.
03. Getting ready for the day to run a few errands with Adam.
04. Coming home from the bagel store. They're always in such a good mood.
05. She came to me crying and said, "Bella and Tess are reading and won't play with me...no one will play with me." "I'll play with you." I said. And her form of play today was looking through her scrapbook. That is definitely something I can do, I thought.
06. Rained on daisies from our yard.
07. This is what it looked like at dinner time.
08. I'm not sure what possessed me, but I rented the Rug Doctor at the grocery store. I only did the hallway and Adam did the rest of the basement.
09. Adam and I had lunch together at Cafe Rio.
10. Adam went with me to Costco to load up...we never do this together.
11. It was a rainy Saturday, lots of time indoors, so we ended up playing games in the afternoon. Tess and I played monopoly while Bella and Megan did a puzzle and Adam cleaned the carpet.
12. There was this killer mist hanging around the mountain all day today.

Once again thanks for playing along with me. Don't forget to share.

since schools been out...

We've started swim lessons,


and been to the pool.


We've had the breakfast of champions,


and seen baby birds born.


I've said goodbye to a dear friend. Hannah I miss your face.


and jumped on a trampoline...it's been years. [photo by john mckenzie]


We've organized our rooms and spent rainy afternoons playing games or watching movies.


We've been to the book store,


and played with cousins and friends.


It's been a good, semi-crazy, summer vacation thus far. I'm still trying to adjust to the change in my routine, but I have the highest hopes for the next 76 days.

it's that time again....

For those of you participating (fyi it's never to late) in 12of12 just a quick reminder that tomorrow is the 12th. If the 12th seems to come up quicker and quicker each month than you're not alone...this year is flying by for me. Can't believe we are almost half done.


[May 2010 | click here to enlarge]

You know the drill by now so I'll see you back here Sunday to share.
Have fun with your camera tomorrow.

delightful morning

* I woke up to the rain this morning hitting against my window. What a welcome change to the heat.

* Luckily it wasn't until 8am that the rain got me, lately I've been waking up at 5:45am and I desperately needed to sleep in. I feel like my new exercise routine is finally catching up with me.

* It's quiet in my house thanks to my MIL Kathy and SIL Robyn who has my girls. Bless you both...what a gift this is for me.

* Which reminds me, the sleepover gave Adam and I the opportunity to spend a much needed evening together. thank you again!

* I'm trying to decide if I want to do yoga today...

* My windows are now open and the coolness and smell is intoxicating.

I could be here all morning if i let myself, but now it's time to get up and enjoy what time I have left.

and before I go...two happy photos because it's a happy day.





* oh and one more thing, I have double chocolate cake bites waiting for me after lunch. delightful.

good old family fun

I can't be entirely sure what possessed us, inviting the girls into our quiet haven, but we did. We knew it was just a matter of time before they came in anyway and disturbed the peace. It's what happens and we've grown fond of it.



So we called them in and put on a show. I was the first one upside down and they loved it so much that everyone had to take a turn. The video is of Megan singing and being, well, Megan.



In the end, after everyone got a chance to do it, we sat back and watched the videos Adam made over and over and laughed til it hurt.

dramatic end

We were sitting in the house talking with some friends the other night and I couldn't keep my eyes away from the window. The most beautiful light was seeping through the open shade so I got up to see the reason why. A storm was coming in from the east, the rain had already started to come down in heavy droplets, but setting sun was not dulled by the ominous gray clouds.



Tess walked out with me for a moment until we heard the thunder and I realized it was going to be that kind of storm...and I smiled. I love thunderstorms. Then the lightening hit and I took one more picture before I decided to head in myself to watch the light show safely from indoors.



Mother nature certainly has the ability to create a dramatic end to such a beautiful day. What a way to start the summer.

note to self

I remember wanting it to be warm and now I have no idea why? Man it's hot outside and my poor AC is doing a horrible job and keeping the heat out.

Note to self: enjoy the 50-60 degrees while you can.

our summer has offical begun

I can't complain, it has been a fantastic school year and we definitely ended the year right by finding out my girls got the teachers they wanted for next year. What a relief! Bella, however, got separated from her 2 best friends and was devastated. Luckily she rose to the occasion and didn't let it wreck her day. We are all so excited it's officially summer...hopefully the weather will cooperate. Is it summer for you?

I've really been looking forward to this summer not because we have big plans, but just because it's summer. Man, how I loved the summer as a kid. I think I'm also excited for it because last summer with the almost move I feel like we did nothing else, but think about moving and keep the house clean. Thank goodness we have no plans to move so we can lay back and relax. While I want to enjoy each day with them while they're home, I hope to not only play a lot (swimming, play dates, etc.) but use this opportunity to teach my girls how to do more specific chores around the house and my favorite...teach them to sew. They've been asking for a while and I've been telling them we would do it this summer. Can't wait to share with them something I enjoy doing.

goodness

"to be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight" -ee cummings

My friend Jenica wrote this quote on my wall today and it was so needed. I don't know why at times I'm insecure and struggle with feelings of self doubt. I thought I had made great strides to fight these feelings, but the last 3 weeks or so they've come at me from several directions and all hit me at once yesterday. It's a very heavy lonely place to be.

****

Thank goodness for a new day. A new perspective. I woke up full of gratitude today because deep down I know when I clear away the worthless debris blocking my way I have nothing but goodness in my life and should never ever be afraid to share who I am.

Man I wish I could bottle this feeling of confidence and positivity. It feels good to feel like myself again. phew.

a happy sight

I was painting in my studio yesterday, something I haven't done in a long time by myself, and I saw from out of my window Tess sitting on the grassy hill drawing in her sketch book while Bella was riding around on her scooter. It was such a happy sight I stayed there for quite some time watching. I love that drawing is something she chooses to spend her time on.



Later she showed me what she was working on. I still haven't found out the reason why the girl has a frown, but I love it. Especially since she added a title and date. Can't wait for her sketch book to be filled with her goodness.

randoms from the month of May

Congrats to Bella! She got first place in her class spelling bee. She left that morning telling me she was going to come home with a trophy and she did. I think that's the secret in action.


This is the card Adam made for his mom for mother's day. It's little bits and pieces of email forwards she has sent him over the years. I thought it was endearing.


The lilacs have been out for a couple of weeks now and it's been a good couple of weeks. I love lilacs.


Tess took a few friends bowling for her birthday last Friday.


Saturday Adam and I spent a good amount of time looking for music. Always a good pass time for us. (photo by tess)


I took these 3 to get a Slurpee and as it turns out the machines were broken UGH! Surprisingly they did quite well with the news, but I had a feeling they wouldn't let me leave without getting them something. Here is Megan negotiating what else they could get as I take the picture. Shouldn't they have a sign from the street that says "machines down"?


Before we went to the cemetery we celebrated Tess and my niece Estee's birthdays. Don't those cupcakes look delicious? Let me tell you they were. My SIL Amy could go into business.


We went to Liberty park Memorial Day with our good friends who's daughter was having a birthday. It was a low key day walking around (the weather couldn't have been more perfect) talking while the kids played in the water attractions, and going on a few shady rides. Still can't believe we went on those old rides...I was less than certain we weren't going to fall to our death.

each bouquet

As we drove through the packed cemetery at a crawling pace I had a chance to look out at the vast amounts of people who were there, mourning, reflecting, and celebrating the life of their loved one. There were husbands remembering wives, mothers remembering children, grandchildren remembering grandparents, sisters remembering brothers, children remembering parents. It breaks my heart and yet it's the most beautiful thing to see families being brought together laughing & crying.





Despite the tender feelings I get when I go to the cemetery I love it there. I do. I know it's sounds crazy and so out of character for me, but I could spend hours there getting lost walking through, in and out of the graves, wondering what stories lie beneath the dirt. I especially love it there right now when there's flowers scattered about the grass and you know behind each bouquet is a tremendous amount of love. The two photos above were among my favorites.







There are times when we're all together visiting my brother's grave and my family shares stories and experiences they remember about him, but today we seemed more quiet. It can be hard to be there with my family and talk about it all. I know it seems like it would be easier since they know exactly what it feels like, but for some reason there are times that I'm at the verge of loosing it and to see them brings it all back so I try to distance myself. Today seemed like one of those days so I was grateful for the quiet, grateful to be able to hide behind my camera for a bit.







As we walked from my brother's grave to all of my grandparent's graves I watched my family up ahead of me and felt truly grateful to have them in my life. We're a hodge-podge group with our good days and bad, but they're mine, apart of the person I am, and I love them dearly. Wish my sister could have been with us.







It was a good evening.
The best kind.

I hope you all have a fabulous holiday weekend.

turning 8

I really cannot believe she's eight. Eight! It's not that I never thought this day would come, rather in my head she will always be that silly, sensitive four year old girl I saw in the picture I posted yesterday.



1. Everyone tells her how much she looks like her dad, but when I see her, I see me. I think she is the most like me.

2. She is sensitive and emotional.

3. She's one of the most compassionate people I know and would do anything to make someone happy, even if that means giving up something she wants.



4. She loves to spend time with Adam and I. Even if it's just being in the same room with us doing different things, where ever we are you will usually find her. I've come to find out that she's definitely a quality time kind of girl.

5. She just started the piano last fall and says she can't wait til she can play with Bella and Megan as they play their violin.



6. For someone who is quite picky about their food she eats non-stop. Among her favorites are hot dogs, oranges, cucumbers, beef stew, and pizza. Crazy for someone who claims she doesn't like cheese.

7. She's loves art and if she's not outside playing, she'll be inside drawing or painting.

8. She is such a daddy's girl and is heavily influenced by him. For instance her favorite song is One Day by Matisyahu.

Happy Birthday sweet Tess! I love you.

the difference four years make

[1 June 2006]

I remember this day like it was yesterday. It was June 1st, the last day of Kindergarten for Bella. She was 6 years old and excited for the summer to begin, though sad to be leaving her teacher behind. Tess had been 4 years old for only 4 days and Megan was a couple months shy of 2.

Life was really intense then. Always a kid under foot, always someone who needed me. I remember being exhausted and tired (it's amazing what you can get done when your tired). I remember the times when I cried and I thought I wouldn't be able to do it another day. I remember wondering if I would ever feel whole again, but at the end of the day I loved it because I loved them and I would do anything.



Today, four years later, I feel like not much has changed and yet everything has. Megan is ending her kindergarten year getting ready to be like her sisters and go to school all day. Tess is only a few hours away from turning 8 and getting baptized. Bella is 10 years old and saying goodbye to her 4th grade year.

It's crazy to see the time fly, to look at these two pictures and compare where we were and where we are. Though life definitely isn't as intense as it once was, it's still just as busy with school projects, volunteer work, and after school activities. I don't have someone pulling at my pants or climbing up on my lap, but I am just as needed. There are days that I miss when they were younger and all home, days that I mourn the passing of time, but I know there is nothing more I can do about those days so I remind myself to be here in the now. Soak up and love where we are so I can appreciate it once it's gone. And I am...loving where we are.

My girls are independent, yet they still need Adam and I. They listen to us, yet they have there own strong opinions. They like time with friends, but not more than time with family. They still have an early bed time and wake up at the crack of dawn. They can easily put themselves to bed, yet they still love and want me to come see them before they drift off to sleep.

I love to see them become more of their own person, but I love that they still need Adam and I. I'm hoping even when they get older, when other things become more important that they will still need us in one way or the other because I know one thing for sure...I will still need them.

she came from us...

Ray LaMontagne started playing as we were finishing up the dinner dishes. Adam and I sort of bumped into each other and spontaneously started dancing as the girls laughing, ran around the room. The noise in the distance faded and all that was left was us, enjoying the touch, the calm of the moment after such a busy day.



Then Megan ran by us throwing out nonsense words and as the screen door shut behind her she said, "Nice music, enjoy your love." And we couldn't contain ourselves any longer. She had broken the spell with her witty words and we laughed as we looked at her sly little smile coming through the grid of the screen.

He asked, "Where did she come from?"
"Us. She came from us." I reminded.

Today...

I could have done without the snow. Do not attempt to adjust your screen the white flakes you see are in fact snow. I cried a bit as I watched it fall this morning & collect on the road. We probably got a total of 3 inches all together. It did melt very quickly once it decided to stop, but I'm sad it killed my neighbors newly planted flowers.

I'm grateful for late night talks & time spent reconnecting.

I've been listening to Sarah by Ray LaMontagne. His entire album Gossip In the Grain is so mood altering I can't get enough. Another favorite is I Still Care For You.


I've been looking through the photos I took of Bella in her play Saturday. I thought she was funny and did a great job acting, much better than I could have ever done. I wonder if this is something she will want to continue with. In this scene she's a citizen of the emerald city so that's why all the green.

I've been attempting to watch the series finale of Lost while I fold clothes. Finally after 30 minutes of in & out I realize I just need to wait til tonight. I have a feeling I'm going to be let down and be ashamed I spent so much of my time on this show.

I feel understood.

We played blockus for FHE.


I'm wondering when my body will stop hurting? Adam took this picture Saturday unbeknownst to me while I was doing the kick boxing portion of p90x. Can't believe how sore you can be from hitting air.

Adam and I bought The National's new album High Violet. The jury is still out. A few songs stood out right away, but I'm not completely sold on the rest...not yet anyway.