christmas tradition

"I held him close for only a short time, but after he was gone, I'd see his smile on the face of a perfect stranger & I knew he would be there with me all the rest of my days." -storypeople


We don't really talk about the hardness of it all anymore. We can all feel the weight of the emptiness when we're together. His death forever changed us and we've all had to find our way through to the other side. Interesting how when you get there the hurting stops, but the void is ever constant--you never really are whole again. So instead we share stories and remember him they way he was.



















Each year going to the grave in December, sharing a bit of Christmas with him, is healing. Most the time it's a bit chaotic with kids helping/playing in the snow, but I know it's exactly what he would want. He was a bit rowdy himself or a lot rowdy and imagine him loving how our family has grown. This year we sang Christmas carols around the tree. I'm not sure why exactly, except it did feel festive.

If I have learned one thing through this experience it's that we all have our own story, our own tragedy, our own emptiness, our own longing, our own sadness that we are trying to work through. I hope the holidays does not become a time to mourn about what is missing, but a celebration of what we have and what we have been blessed with. Each year I am doing better and better at putting the emptiness aside and loving Christmas--remembering with the birth of Christ came the gift of eternal families. And for that I will be forever grateful.

Merry Christmas!

xoxo
amy gretchen

holiday happenings

--We had a family party with my extended family and played musical chairs. Usually the little kids just play, but this year each generation had a turn. I'm thinking it was our parents that wanted to get a crack at it. Tess and my dad won and I got second place, lost to my cousin Nick. Man we were so close to sweeping it as a family.


--Megan and Bella had their annual Christmas violin performance last Tuesday night. Megan could not get her hat to agree with her. Each time she took a bow it would reposition in all sorts of crazy ways.

--I'm working on my 5th time through Pride and Prejudice in the last week. Don't judge me. I simply have not been able to get enough of it--it has kept me company while wrapping and folding laundry. It is good to laugh and swoon while doing work, no? One of my favorite lines, "i am not the sort of person to torment a respectable man. Please hear me when I say I cannot accept you." Tess, who was home from school Friday with pinkeye, got her first glimpse into the wonderful world of Jane Austen. I think I have managed to persuade her, although I'm quite sure she didn't follow it completely.


--Bella, who's the only experience violinist in her 5th grade orchestra, was able to play a solo at the school recital Wednesday. Though she has been quite modest about the whole thing I know she was thrilled to be able to do it. p.s. forgive my poor video capturing skills. I had to cut out the first few seconds because it was unwatchable. New years resolution--work on my video skills.


--Megan's dance class did a little demonstration for the parents Thursday after school--a little rendition of the nutcracker. I was quite impressed by her developing skills since the last time I saw her perform. If dancing is something she'd like to do, I dare say it will take her.

--It's snowed again last night after a warm weekend. My 80 year old neighbor told me he mowed his lawn for the first time ever in the month of December. Crazy. Hopefully it will be white for Christmas and then I'm all for 50 degree weather. Of course it's not the cold that gets me in the winter, it's the grayness.

--My studio is a disaster. So much so that it's difficult for me to come in here. Boxes, wrapping, filler, tags, ribbon, and all manner of packaging scattered about the room waiting to be used. It looks like Christmas is coming. Cannot believe it's less than a week away. Are you ready??

Happy Monday!
xo

fourteen years

In the end, I think that I will like that we were sitting on the bed, talking & wondering where the time had gone.
-Storypeople



Fourteen years seems like a very long time, I know the hostess at the restaurant last night was pretty shocked when we told her. I couldn't decide if it was because we were still married after fourteen years or that we looked too young to be married that long. Yes, I admit it does seem like being married at 20 is crazy, insane, but as a 20 year old I felt more than capable of making such an important decision & honestly I was. Adam is the best decision I've ever made and I'm so grateful we stumbled into each others life over 15 years ago.

I'm grateful because we've had the opportunity to grow up together. We've been through a lot the last 14 years that has brought us to where we are today. We struggled, we pushed and pulled so to speak, until we were able to figure out what we needed--what worked for us. And so we've found this beautiful place of understanding, trust, forgiveness, & joy. Of course it's not just a one time lesson, a marriage is never done, just like us as individuals, we are constantly learning from each other, constantly maneuvering to find the right balance.

Without sounding like a cliché--he completes me. He does. He's everything I need him to be and provides me with all the rest. I'm grateful for what we have. Not a day goes by without me giving thanks for the life we have created together & the work we've done to make it so.

Adam--perhaps its my tired mind, but as I sit and type I feel my words aren't adequately expressing what my heart feels. I love you. What more can I say--you are everything.

xxox

a winter wonderland

artist date | creative wednesday

It finally snowed after a few weeks of unseasonably warm weather. It was this snow that I couldn't stop thinking about and what got me outside yesterday afternoon. I was deep in them middle of trying to wrap, the outside only a short glimpse away, and each time I looked up the white pillowy softness caught my attention. I simply had to be out in it...and so i did.















The first thing that stood out to me was the quiet. The stillness. The snow softens the sounds and the crunching under my feet and my breath were the only two sounds present as I walked the trail. It was absolutely beautiful. No, breathtaking is a better word to describe it, and although my photographs can't do the moment justice, at least I will have them to remember the peace and solitude of that afternoon. You see, I've had a lot on my mind. With Adam gone my thoughts stay trapped in my head, waiting for him to be released. Poor guy. I always feel bad for him after he's come home from being away. There are four eager woman waiting to be heard--by him. It's a lot to come home to, but he does it with a smile.

I'm enjoying my artist dates very much and am finding quite a lot of wisdom in these few hours of escape. I certainly am beginning to understand why Julia Cameron insists upon them.

Hope all is well with you.

xoxo,
amy gretchen

i have, have you?

--Have you ever had a dream that stays with you all day?
--Have you ever found yourself so deep in thought in the shower that when you finally come back you're unsure how much time has past?
--Have you ever let a song take you back to a different time?
--Have you ever waited by the phone hoping it will ring with your loved one on the other end telling you they've made it safely?
--Have you ever been tempted to sneak a peek under the tree?
--Have you ever rediscovered an artist you've know about for years?
--Have you ever found something so cute you had to have it, and so you do, even though you don't have the money?
--Have you ever been so excited to get your hair done you arrive 1/2 hour early to your appointment?
--Have you ever had a cute day where you change your plans so you can go on the outside?
--Have you ever been so overwhelmed that you forget it all and pick up a novel instead?
--Have you ever roamed around your house looking at the photos on the walls, the clutter on the table, and the stuff on the floor and been so grateful for your life.
--Have you ever found yourself cleaning your toilet, grateful you have a toilet to clean?
--Have you considered yourself a "clean" person, but look around and wonder how it got so messy?
--Have you ever bought a song because of the tune and then you hear the lyrics and realize there explicit?
--Have you ever found yourself taking photographs without a camera?
--Have you ever been singing your heart out in the car only to look over and see the girl next to you singing the same song?
--Have you ever played musical chairs as a 30 something, got totally into it, and made it to the bottom two?
--Have you ever found yourself doing something you never thought you could?

I have, have you?

12of 12 | December

Admittedly I was not too happy about having another Sunday. Not that I don't like Sundays, but around here they're just really low key. I had to laugh at myself because that's the exact reason why I started to do the 12of12 challenge. It allows you to capture your life on a normal, perhaps slow day, you wouldn't normally think to capture. I love the little pieces I ended up with today and hope you feel the same about your day.


[click here to enlarge]

01. Doing my normal Sunday "morning" routine--working on Primary business.
02. Adam made breakfast for us all before he left.
03. My primary binder. It sees a lot of action during the week, but especially on Sundays.
04. Watching Adam take his leave to Tennessee.
05. Primary kids singing, "Once There Was A Snowman".
06. Finally a blue sky. I've missed this sun this past week.
07. Adam and I saying our final goodbyes.
08. Bella enjoying her after church time.
09. The word of the day is: gallivant\ GAL-uh-vant, v; to wander about, seeking pleasure or diversion; -- The girls have been putting the word of the day on our chalkboard for a week or so now. They've been using my dictionary app to help them. I'm actually quite enjoying the reminders myself.
10. Went to see my parents today. They told me I made their day and here's proof--my dad being my dad playing with the girls. I so remember that as a little girl. Makes me so happy to see them together.
11. The gifts are beginning to fill up under the tree.
12. We stuck around to watch a movie with my parents. As per usual we had bowls and bowls of popcorn.


I really can't believe it's December already. Seriously, I feel like we just got started and we've already done this now 12 times. I hope you've enjoyed playing along with me this year. I have loved having all of you participate with me each month & hope you're ready for round two--definitely planning on 12of12 for 2011.

Don't forget to share!!

live nativity

My brother's neighborhood puts this on every year. A tradition that sadly was not around when we lived there, but grateful my brother invited us. It was really cool to experience the nativity acted out as it might have been. My girls loved it, and particularly loved seeing all the different animals. I imagine this night was the beginning of a family tradition.

12of12 reminder

Today adam spent his time in the kitchen studying for an exam that will cause him to travel to Tennessee next week so I kept the girls occupied so neither of us would be tempted to talk to him (trust me for a quality time girl it's easier said than done). Our activity--wrapping. I thought it would be a good learning experience for the girls. I thought it would be fun. It turned out to be frustrating. I guess when there's a lot of gifts to wrap and three people asking different questions all at the same time, it appears to be easier to just do it yourself. They did manage to wrap their secret sister gifts and gifts for their cousins so I felt they had had enough practice for one day.

phew!

And of course I don't want to leave you without our very last reminder of the year. Tomorrow is the 12th so be ready to capture, what I image to be, a festive day. Have fun!


[December 2009]

all aglow

Our annual walk through Temple Square....



















We were pleasantly surprised this year that it wasn't as busy as it has been in the past. I think the ominous rain kept people away even though it really just sprinkled for a few minutes. Too bad it wasn't snowing--it's been strangely warm for this time of year. We couldn't have asked for a better night, or company, to roam around enjoying the lights.

**What are some of your holiday traditions?

artist date

"He said, 'the lesson for today is this: it is better to travel with hope in one's heart than to arrive in safety. Do you understand?'
'No sir.'
'It means that we should celebrate today's failure because it is a clear sign that our voyage of discovery is not yet over. The day the experiment succeeds is the day the experiment ends. And I inevitably find that the sadness of ending outweighs the celebration of success.'"
~Jacqueline Kelly, The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate




The afternoon started with a long list
maneuvering through busy streets
jammed parking structures
the crazy cold that seeps through all the layers--
but I had my camera
what could have been a frustrating shopping trip transformed into a most delightful artist date--
all because I allowed myself to see it differently.













thank goodness we are never done discovering...

in my dream, the angel shrugged & said, if we fail this time, it will be a failure of imagination & then she placed the world gently in the palm of my hand. ~storypeople

only santa could get my husband to dance....

Later he would say his motivation was his girls, that he only did it because he thought they would love to see him interact with Santa. All the while not knowing, never dreaming it would be dancing--in a tutu and tiara no less when Santa called him out of the crowd.

Tess and Megan, who laughed themselves silly, especially loved it while Bella, unsure, leaned over and said, "I'm having mixed feelings. I don't know if should be embarrassed or having the time of my life."

Me, I was loving it. He had no rhythm and sort of clueless as to what to do, but he was cute and mine and brought the biggest smile to my face. Man he makes me happy.

friday miscellany

We had to dig ourselves out earlier this week. Crazy to think I heard so much about a holiday storm a week ago that turned out to be a complete dud while this storm raged on and I was none the wiser. Why do we let the media play with our emotions so? I remember the whole swine flu incident--how they stressed me out. While I would never say there wasn't some cause for concern, they could of told us all the facts, like how people die of the regular flu everyday. Hmm, why do I suddenly not feel any better by that. Ha!

Christmas shopping is still ago. Why was I thinking I could be done the week after Thanksgiving by the latest? It seems each and every time I think I'm close I remember someone else I'm missing.

Creative Wednesdays. Yes, I am still doing them though, this week I actually did a bit from my bed Tuesday instead of Wednesday. At any rate, I can't share my projects because they're gifts, but I will after the holidays. Funny, it's sounds like the gifts are something new and excited. While I assure you that's not the case, I've definitely enjoyed making them and hope they'll be received the same.


Our advent calendar is fully underway here counting down to Christmas. It's one of my kids very favorite traditions. It's the first thing they talk to me about in the morning and I haven't yet figured out if it's because I let them eat candy in the morning or because they're seeing the days peel away one by one til Christmas comes. I for one am happy with all the days leading up. Anticipation is key.

I stated playing racquetball while in St. George last weekend. Sounds like a stretch to say "played", more like I "tried". Adam was quite easy on me so I was please to walk out of there 0-4---never reaching over 3 or 4 points a game. There was even a game he gave me two points for every one point & I still lost. Really fun though. I'm thinking I need to find someone more at my level. Any takers? It actually is more of a workout than you'd realize. I was sore in places I never knew I had muscles.

After using NyQuil the day I was sick to help me sleep & Tess getting a clearer understanding of why i took it she said, "I wish they made stuff like that for kids". Little does she know there are a lot of parents who are wondering the same thing.

We received our first Christmas card in the mail yesterday, thanks Dani it is fabulous, and it's got me thinking, for the first time this season, that I need to do Christmas cards. What? How on earth have I not thought of this before now? I'm usually so on top of our Christmas card and excited to do it. Weird.

watching

"Write whats in here (heart) because you must, because it pleases you, but never because you want someone else to like what you've said." -Kate Morton, Distant Hours



My occasion to be ill yesterday gave me more than enough time to stew in my own thoughts. To be blissfully unaware of what happenings were going on outside the door, Christmas prep no doubt, and be conscious in thought of what lie dormant. Though nothing really does lie dormant for too long in my mind. I am not one to hid from myself, just from others. I tease, only a little, as I know there is some truth to that. I, who am becoming quite comfortable with me, will more often than I like to admit let my mind drift about what others might think. It is something I gave a lot of thought to yesterday--a returning lesson I am beginning to see reach it's final destination. The more I look at my life and love it, the more I silence all the outside voices because, as we all know, their voices don't matter, only the opinions of those we love.

As my thoughts progressed I began thinking about the upcoming year, what I want to accomplish, my dreams for the near future, and relationships--ones to keep and strengthen and ones to healthy give away. In particular I thought about my relationship with my girls.

As I watched them come home from school yesterday--shuffle in with coats, gloves, hats, and backpacks, throwing papers in my view, telling me grands stories of their day, tests they had passed, friends they had played with, funny instances with the snow, all the while desperately looking for an afternoon snack that quickly fell on apples and oranges. As I watched this scene unfold from the comfort of my couch, still being lazy in my sickness, I wondered where their lives would go. What they wanted exactly and what they would do to see their dreams come true? Would they be willing to put in the time? Would they be willing to put in the effort? Did they, in fact, have dreams? I wondered.

I guess you could say in that moment I hoped for their happiness. Life creeps up on you too quickly and before you know it, if you're not careful, you don't recognize the person you see in the mirror. I don't want that for them. I want them to seize happiness at every moment. To live presently, to give openly, and take no thought of what others might think of them. It occurred to me, though not for the first time, as I watched them delight in our afternoon routine, how they watch me. How I have become a roll model to them for nothing more than the fact that I brought them into this world. That they looked to me first before another. And that if I don't live my life that way, why would they?

I almost, right then and there, let the fear take over and anxiety kick in, but I think I wasn't strong enough for that yesterday and now that I have my wits about me and hormonally I am sound, all I can do is start from where I am at today. No sense getting bothered about what can't be undone in the past (remember this amy). It's true, I have a lot of things I would like to change, especially because I know my girls are watching, but also because I know it's the path that will lead me to where I want to go. Fear never gets us where we want to be and neither does lamenting about things we cannot change.

A wise person once told me, you can only change yourself. It took years for me to truly understand that. Years to settle into the notion that if my life was to improve I needed to stop pointing the finger and make the changes within me. That's what made the biggest difference--that's when I noticed I was growing.

You see, that is what I hope my girls to see. Although I am riddled with flaws and am miles away from where I want to be. I hope they see a woman who is not afraid of change, who is willing to do the work to see her dreams come true, who cares deeply for the people in her life. I desperately want them to see a woman they can count on, a woman they admire, a woman worthy of emulating.

Because if I do nothing else with my life than to be their mother, a friend, a woman they can laugh with, confide in, and sit quietly with--my life shall be full indeed.

No, fuller. My life already feels full and am thankful daily for it.

xoxo,
amy gretchen