2 weeks and 2 days

I've thought about the best way I should share my trip. Sixteen days would make for a lot of info and one that I think you would find particularly boring. I mean really when you think of it what makes up a trip? For me its the experiences that were shared. The laughs that were had while telling story after story while cruising along the Mediterranean. The experience of getting stuck in Houston and loosing our luggage for 10 days. The many individuals we met that kept us laughing. The inside jokes shared. Sitting and talking for hours each night while all the other passengers got drunk. What can be said than we had a most excellent time. It truly was an amazing trip and one I won't soon forget.

I wrote in a journal while I was there so the small little details, each place we went, and my thoughts are all written down...really glad I did it and would encourage you all to do the same. So instead of recounting it all, like I said you may find it all boring, I will share with you a few of my favorite photos. In my book it's the best way to really experience a trip you didn't go on.

I must say it was very very difficult to choose and I didn't want to make this post too long so you can check here for more of my Europe photos.

Eze France

Monoco France

Florence Italy

Athens Greece

Kusadasi Turkey

Naples Italy

Santorini Greece

Rome Italy

Mykonos Greece

I'm listening

The last several days I have been once again going through photos and getting photos printed. I've order over 400 prints just from this year. I always enjoy doing this because I end up finding gems, like this one of Bella. I was just talking about her eyes with my sister in law Amy today and then I stumbled across this.

sept 2006

She really is beautiful and the kindest heart you will ever know.

Anyway, seeing this reminded me of a conversation we had recently. She approached me with her sad sad face and I wondered what was on her mind. Usually it had to do with someone not sharing or what not, but this time it was different.

b: "mom, you know how we stayed at Whitney's for 2 weeks and 2 days"
m: "Yes"
b: "Well, lately I've been L_O_N_E_Y (misspelling it as the tears started to swell in her eyes)"
I must admit I was shocked by this since she is constantly surrounded with little girls to play with I would think she would love to be alone. After giving her a big hug the conversation continued.

It was a tender moment, one that sounds simple enough, but sadly doesn't happen too often. I feel the older she has gotten the more she keeps her emotions close to her. I've feared it's a part of her she didn't want to share with me, but this gave me a glimmer of hope that she does want me in her life this way.

I want nothing more than to have the best relationship with my girls and hope they know I love them and will do the work it takes to show them I'm here.

I'm listening.

my love

public train on the way to Monaco France 2007

I have this man. This wonderful wonderful man that deals with my crazy on a daily basis. A man who is patient with me. A man who loves me enough to be as honest as a person can be to one another. A man who constantly thinks about my happiness. A man who supports me. A man who is willing to do what it takes to understand the person that I am.

Last week I woke up to this... I am a lucky lucky woman indeed. I don't know how I deserve him, but I am doing everything I can do to live my life so that I can be for him what he is for me.

summer nights

everything I remember.

I have loved experience them all over again with my girls

it could be a very different day

self portrait Eze France 2007

Adam and I went to bed last night realizing it could have been a completely different evening one with unfathomable saddness.

Adam almost lost a front wheel while driving on the freeway yesterday. His car started to shake progressively until he pulled over. He checked everything and it all looked fine so he got back on the road. After reaching freeway speed once again his car was shaking violently so he called his friend who owns an auto shop. He told Adam it sounded like his tire was about to come off. Adam was certain that wasn't it because he had just checked all four tires, but despite his doubt he pulled over once again. As he got out of the car he noticed the tire on the front driver side and couldn't believe what he was seeing...three of the four bolts that were holding his tire on had come off. Luckily he had extra bolts to fix the problem so he got the jack out and raised his car to put the tire on properly. As he raised the car the tired fell off before he had a chance to take off the remaining bolt. I shutter at the thought of what could have happened had his tired actually come off at 65 mpr.

I went to bed last night and woke up this morning and am utterly grateful for how mundane and normal it all is. I am grateful we were spared what could have been a very tragic day. I am grateful he is still with me. I am grateful our prayers of safety were answered.

Ok so as not to end on an intense note. I just want you to look at that picture of Adam and I, take it in for a minute, and realize that that was the outfit we wore for 10 days before our luggage actually showed up. Ok so to be fair, we were able to get it laundered every night and I did eventually buy a couple of skirts (7 days in). All I have say is had I known that I would have most definitely chosen different. I suggest next time you go on vacation think about that when choosing your outfit for travel, oh and always travel with extra cloths.

:)

I'm back

I wanted post when I got back, just a brief note to say I actually made it home, but of course my internet was down. Between our luggage getting lost again on the way home, and our car having to get put in the shop I was frustrated to find that our internet was down. I guess it was good even though every time I turned around I thought, I need to check on xyz and then it hit me that I couldn't. It gave me the time to reconnect with my girls which turned out was nothing at all. Life just resumed as it was before as if we had never left.

It is good to be back. It took me several days to feel normal, but luckily now I am not dying to sleep when 3pm rolls around and doing my normal routine feels, well, normal...good. It was such a nice break and I hope to share with you my thoughts and experience soon.

guess where I'm at??

Madrid?

NO!

I'm in Houston at the hotel Marquee where our wonderful, not, airline put us up for the night. I've already seen a cocroach in the bathroom.

So I get to hang out in Houston until 6:30 when I finally catch my now flight to Paris and then to Barcelona where I get to try to make my ship. We have two hours to get there. The kicker...we don't have our lugguage now and since we were suppose to go to Madrid and tour Spain before our cruise I am now fearful our luggage won't be there in Barcelona to greet us.

Oh the joys of travel. Now I get to shower and put on the same cloths with no toiletries what so ever. Good time for us today.

Oh and by the way if you are wondering if Denver airport is at all exciting it's not though with good company you can sit in the same chair for a while without getting too upset.

Here to hoping I actually get there with my luggage and hey at least I get to walk through the airport in Paris. It's the closet I'm going to get.

Til next time. Enjoy!

this is it

I'm off.

Feeling good.

Feeling a heightened of emotions.

Feeling excited.

Jill came to get my kids last night, which I'm now realizing was the best thing. I was a mess. As they drove away I realized it's the "what if" of not seeing them again that brings me fear and worry, but this morning I am calm. Missing them.

I miss the way Megan reaches out for me and says, "I just want to be with you"

or the way Tess asks, "will you sleep with me for a little bit" or
Bella telling me "They're the happy kind", referring to her tears.

Before leaving Bella told me she will help take care of her sisters. Tess in her hold everything on the inside way, showed me the signs that she truly will miss me, and Megan telling me while cupping my face, "I will miss you when you gone". I love them and can't wait to see them 2 weeks, but for now I focus on Adam and I.

Hopefully I'll check in a few times. Enjoy the next 2 weeks. I know I will.

reflections

I took this photo yesterday morning while the rain continued to fall. We heard it was suppose to rain so Bella took her cypher outside the night before. By 8 am we had already received 1 inch and throughout the day and evening the cypher overflowed with drops of rain.

It's strange when your moods seems to mirror the gray skies. I have been non stop preparing for Europe and while I'm so excited to go on this adventure, I am terrified at the same time. My anxiety is heighten to the max and I once again remember why I prefer to stay home and why I hesitated at the mere mention of crossing the Atlantic.

I feel much better today thanks to some reassurance from Adam. I think he's finally understanding how much I need the, "everything will be fine" speech. I know it sounds childish and crazy, but hey it's me and who doesn't like a little bit of crazy now and then.

So today I am grateful for a regular day. After dealing with Bella puking on Tuesday and the fear of it spreading to everyone I have finally decided that that just won't happen. That all is well and all will be well.

sigh...

spt - favorite color

This was a hard challenge because primarily I don't have a favorite color. What I lean toward really all depends on my mood at the moment. Plus I am more drawn toward color combinations instead of just single colors. So because of that and lack of time, I really would have liked to do a mosaic of some sort, I decided to have fun with this. A little embarrassing, but I guess you could say I've shared worse.

So as a way to get prepared for our cruise and not look like white freaks Adam and I decided to go get mists. Instead of killing ourselves and ruining our skin in the tanning booths, we opted to be mystified. I was really nervous at first, but the woman who owned the tanning salon said they have come a long way. Instead of painting color on your skin now it's a solution that reacts to your skin and forms the color. It only lasts 7 days or so depending on how quickly your skin sloughs (sorry couldn't think of a better words) off so we wanted to try it out first just in case it looked horrible. We weren't able to see the results until we woke up because it took about 4-6 hours to develop. I wasn't able to tell that big of a difference, but when Adam came home he said he could tell, and of course I can see a big difference in the side by side photos. I am pleased with the results, though there are a few places that don't looks so great, but they are not obvious. We are going back on Monday right before we leaves since it will be worn off by then.

So today my favorite color is tan. What do you think?

I'd like to thank Adam & Tess for these lovely photos. I really can't believe I am publishing them.

summer is here

School got out on Friday and we have been trying to make the most of it until we leave on vacation next Tuesday so Adam and I took the kids to the pool on Friday night. It was a perfect evening, plus it was not busy at all. I think we will have to do the evening swim more often.

Oh and we have been doing a lot of rolling down the green hill and riding our scooters in the parking lot across the street. Playing with cousins. Going to the park with friends. Having friends over. End of the school year party. Elders Quorum Social at our house last night.

What activities do you do in the summer? I think I'm going to need some ideas. One weekend and one day in and I'm already spent. Thank goodness I'm leaving for vacation...I already need a break.

like I said...

I've been playing more than I have been doing the things I need to do this week. Part of me feels like I'm making up for missed time.

Here is my latest project. (click to enlarge)


I saw these at my local scrapbook store and knew I just had to make them for my "inspire" vase. Apparently it's doing it's job...I'm inspire to create more and to recognize the beauty in life every time I look at them.

edited to add: I will get instructions as soon as I can, but honestly it probably will have to wait until I come back from Europe.

I'm not sure how I feel about Monday holidays

I use to really enjoy them, having Adam home and doing something different than the normal Monday routine, but now I find myself knee deep with stuff to do because it's already half way through the week. I really can't complain I mean instead of doing what I need to do I'm busy doing stuff I've been wanting to for a long time now. It's my own fault for being so behind.

Another thing I feel so behind in is blogging. So much to tell and so little time it seems.

I still want to share with you a little about Tess and her birthday and how much fun memorial day was.


One of the things I made time for yesterday and probably shouldn't was this art display project for my girls that I've wanted to do for a year and a half now. A little late in the year I know, seeing how school is just getting out, but I'm sure we'll do a lot of summer art. I saw the idea in a magazine and then actually in person on Crystalyn's wall. I'm happy with it though not so sure about the bow. I did it to hide the ugly long screws.

I also received some very thoughtful mail from Kim last week. The "A" and the book are so beautiful, but it was the words in her card that really got to me. It's amazing to me that we can make such connections over the internet. What a blessing it has been.

Oh and I have some changes to share with you...still to come.

remembering

Memorial day is always a special time for me. I love to be able to share my memories with my girls and teach them about just how lucky we are to have the gift of eternal families. Today was one of those special times where I was able to go to the cemetery with my whole family (sans jeni...miss you).



I hope you all have a wonderful memorial day. We for one are celebrating a new 5 year old. It's her birthday tomorrow and she couldn't be more excited about it. She actually asked, "Mom, what does it feel like to be five." I guess she'll soon find out.

I'm set, but not quite ready

It came. The one thing that would potential keep me from going on my trip has arrived. It makes leaving that much more final and more of a reality.

I am going to Europe with Adam for 14 days. He surprised me with it even though we had talked about going on a cruise this year. We're going with some friends of ours to sail around the Mediterranean. We thought it would be a good way to see a lot of Europe quickly without having to worry about transportation. The only thing I'm not thrilled about is not getting to spend multiple days in one city, but if it's something I love, I know I'll be back.

We're visiting
Madrid, Spain
Barcelona, Spain
Nice, France
Florence/Pisa, Italy
Rome, Italy
Mykonos, Greece
Ephesus, Turkey
Santorini, Greece
Athens, Greece
Naples/Capri, Italy

I must admit I had several reservation about going in the beginning. It's so far away and I didn't know that I could leave my girls for so long. It's just so much to ask someone to do. Lucky for us Jill said she'd be willing to take our 3 and so I leave with total confidence.

Now I'm itching to go. I mean I can almost not wait I'm so excited to leave. The things I'm looking forward to the most are:

1) being with Adam for so long alone. I reminded him that we would be eating 42 meals without anyone complaining about the food...unheard of.

2) Finding myself in the cities, getting lost with my camera in the beautiful surroundings. Does it get any better than the sites of the ancient world?

3) The food. I cannot wait to taste each country.

So now that I have my passport I think I have everything I need. I think. Honestly if you have any advice for me for European travel or crusing please share. So far I've bought nothing for my trip. I heard Jenn say, in Paris at least, if you wear jeans you were a teenager. But what if I want to wear jeans? I think I also need to bring some sort of "formal" dress for the ship which I am not to happy with. Hmm. I think I have a lot of work to do. Please share any tips. I feel like I'm not ready at all.

she wrote

She was given an assignment at school to just starting writing about herself. Not to worry about mistakes, it was the first draft, just write freely about you. This is what she brought home.

"My name is Bella. I like to Play with figure toys. Figure toys are hard plastic people and animals. My birthday is March 24th. My favorite sport is swimming. When I was a baby one Sunday we were eating lunch. I was always tired so that day I put my head in my food. I am 7 years old now and I know better and I have 2 sisters and 0 brothers. It's very fun with no brothers. My family is the best family. My sister is curious about stuff. Her name is Tess M. She is the funniest sister I ever had. When I play with her she always wanted to be a person toy. She last night kept turning on the lights. My other sister is named Megan M. She is two years old and she is potty trained. She is also funny. My cousins are named Whitney and Landon. They are also funny. There are a lot of funny family members."

thinking, always thinking

I've been thinking about my girls. Do they know I love them? Are they getting what they need? Do they feel understood? Are they happy?


I've been thinking about Adam. Does he know how much I love him? Does he know I need/want him? Is he getting what he needs from me? What can I do better for us? Does he feel understood? Are we continuing to grow?

I've been thinking about me. Where am I now? Where am I headed? What's my purpose? Am I growing? Am I making changes? Am I living? Am I choosing to be happy? What could I do better? Am I too selfish? Am I helping others? Am I doing? Giving? What are my priorities?

Needless to say the last couple of weeks, the empty spaces that are filling my blog are due to my constant thoughts. The mere exhausting of unanswered questions keeps me away. Desperately wanting more from myself and getting so frustrating with my own tendencies. I know I'm a very strong woman which frustrates me because it seems like every time I go into battle it's the same battle I've been fighting for years.

I guess you could say I do this about every 3 months or so, evaluate my life and wonder where I stand. Am I really turning into the person I want to be? That's where the disappointment comes in. The woman I see is not the woman I know I should be or the woman I dream of becoming. I know it can't happen overnight. Life is a process full of steps and I'm no fool to think I will be where I want in one. I guess I'm disappointed to see myself fall off the path or stop progressing completely. I know there is much more inside me. More work. More pleasure. More growth. More love.

Yesterday while at stake conference I received my answer, a confirmation to the thoughts I've been having. The stake president said (and I paraphrase), "It is in this world, our earthly life, that we have the chance to change ourselves and help others do the same. To improve upon the person we are and build our character. As said in Alma 41, in the next life we will be restored to the person that we are today, good for good, evil for evil. It is now that we must develop and form our character while we have the opportunity to do so. Are we truly becoming new and sanctified creations this gospel plan is design to help us become?"

Powerful words that really hit home to me, especially yesterday with so much on my mind concerning where I am, how much I have or have not grown and what more I need to do. It's the dauntingness (don't think I can say that) of the task that always makes it harder for me to get up in the morning. Knowing that the goal is so far ahead that it's almost impossible to reach becomes the focus instead of the goal. My tendencies, my battle is giving up before I've even tried. 5pm yesterday I won that battle. Try I must. Try I will. And although I know I'll be here again, I know I will be one step closer to the goal because I took that step.

mail randomness

Can I tell you how long I've been waiting for this...a little over ten years. To be honest I never thought this day would come. An IKEA in my city virtually unbelievable. Well it's happening and it's all I can do to keep myself from going to the grand opening. I know it will be crazy so I'll wait just a bit before I take the plunge.


Some thoughtful mail to report. Natash thanks for the darling mother's day gift. Totally made week last week. Tasha thanks for thinking of me and sending me the book "Twelve Sisters". Looking forward to reading it. Crystalyn thank you for sending me a decorated "a" to go with my collection of a's and a sm frame of the photos I had taken. Love the reminder.

Also thank you to Melanie for the awesome mother's day quote. I loved it. It's such a great reminder to me I have it in my kitchen so I can see it often.

Ladies thank you so much. I know that just doesn't seem like enough for the joy it brought into my life the last few days, but what a difference it makes to know someone has thought about you.

back from a break

I was lucky to get a quick weekend getaway to St. George to visit my parents newly built house. It was a quick few days, but I felt like I got a lot of good quality family time.
Swimming.
Golfing (boys). Enjoying breakfast outside in the warmish morning air with my girls on mother's day (yes, I let dad sleep in so he wouldn't be tired driving home).
Tea parties. Good conversation while watching the sunset fade, not to forget the 8 hours in the car.

Really it was exactly what I needed to replenish my spirit, but didn't know it until driving home yesterday when I knew I was ready to get back into the rush of life.

I am still in a daze that school ends in a mere 3 weeks. Not to mention a birthday on the way for my 4 turning 5 year old. Oh yeah and a big European trip to get ready for. Life does move to fast. I remember a time I couldn't wait for this crazy time to pass and as I've been packing up all the winter cloths and getting ready for the summer today I just want it to slow down a bit so I can soak it all up. I don't feel I've done that great a job enjoying the craziness the last 7 years, but I am determined to make the rest of 2007 move at a gentle pace.

clear blue sky

Life is good.

I have nothing to complain about, well, I guess I can think of a few things.

But despite trying to be optimistic I have had a very rough week. The kind where I don't quite feel myself. Like I'm in some type of time warp and I can't get myself back to the here and now. It has been really hard on me and I find myself in pensive state.

And when I feel this way I pull away. I hide. Retreat. I can't deal with myself and the world seems so much more daunting. I have thought many times about blogging, but what does complaining do? I didn't want to feel validated I wanted to feel myself, to get to that point I felt good again, where I felt I was giving instead of pulling others down with me.

Today I can see the light. I never know where comes or how it goes, but how grateful I am when it leaves me. I attribute a lot of my changing state to the friends who have contacted me in the last few days, who have given me something with each interaction. I was reading the January ensign yesterday about service and how allowing others to serve you is Heavenly Father's way of helping you. I had never really thought about it that way, but it makes so much sense. To someone like me who resists help, thinking surely I can do it without, just realized I was resisting the answers I was seeking. So thank you to those who have taken your time for me. For offering whether I took you up on it or not. It has meant more to me than you will know.

So here is to better days. For happy days. For rainbows and clear blue skies. To good light and air conditioned homes. Here's to life and to good friends.

full heart

I have a full heart today, and for no particular reason. This week I have been alone a lot, alone in my thoughts, and have had a lot to think about. I took this photo while in San Diego last week. I remember this particular flower catching my eye growing among hundreds of already bloomed flowers. It had no reason in the world to be confident and yet when I saw it it oozed confidence to me. That despite the fact that it was still in a vulnerable place it knew it would one day bloom and be just as beautiful as the rest.

As I look at this photo again I remind myself of just how beautiful we all are and how much we have to offer each other in this life. No matter where we find ourselves we all have something valuable to share that each of us can benefit from.

Today I feel grateful, loved, blessed for the amazing individuals in my life...for sharing themselves and giving me a safe place to be me.

blue glow

Monday night after FHE while Adam was walking on the tredmill I saw this...

My three littles with the blue glow of the tv watching a movie surprisingly eating a healthy snack...carrots.

It makes me so happy to see them this way together being quiet enjoying each other.

San Diego was purely an Amy trip :)

Something I hadn't done for at least 10 years. I can't tell you how good it felt to do something for me for once. My purpose for the outing was to attend a photography workshop. It was absolutely amazing and everything I hoped it would be. It wasn't so much about technique as it was about who I am as a photographer and my style. I feel really lucky I was able to go and participate with such amazing photographers. I learned a lot from them and was amazed we all had some of the same insecurities. Baffling to see such awesome work wrapped around self doubt. I guess we all have our moments. I came away with more confidence and a better sense of what I'm communicating through my art. It was amazing.

We had a couple of days to shoot with models so just thought I would share a few of my favorites. I loved working with these darling girls.

spt - treasure

When I first read Lelly's post my first thought was of my family and particularly my relationship with my husband. I treasure what we have. What we have created together. Man I feel like a lucky girl to have him. Of course that's not the size of a deck of cards, in fact it doesn't have a size at all.

Last month I talked about my favorite necklace here and what it means to me so I've racked my brain as to what I treasure...something tangible, something small.

Ok I'm breaking the rules again. I know it's not that small, but it could be, mine just doesn't happen to be. My camera is something I treasure. Most often than not I walk around taking pictures of the world I see. I picture things in my mind and want to recreate it. How awesome that we have a device that will capture life and allow us to hold on to those moments forever. My photography is something I need...truly need each and ever day. I guess you could say that's the sole reason I don't want to go into business. I don't want to loose what I have found and fear others expectations will take that away from me. Photography is my art. An expression of myself. It's capturing that perfect moment and seeing me, the real me in my creation. It's not what others want, it's what I see and how I feel. I'm sure I could live without it (if I absolutely had to), but quite honestly I don't ever want to try.