spt - childhood memories

Ah my childhood. What can I say? When I think about it I have a very selective memory. I don't know why, but it has definitely taken on a dream like quality where I wonder, was I really ever that young? Was there a time when someone really took care of my 100%?

I loved my childhood. I mean really I had what I thought to be the best life a person could have. I had multiple friends in the neighborhood, healthy rivalries with my siblings, imaginary worlds and friends without number, and I was loved and very much taken care of by my wonderful parents, all with having very little.

This photo more than anything stand out to me for several reasons. First of all I can remember it perfectly, a pool in the middle of a golf course in Afton Wyoming where my Aunt and Uncle had a cabin. It was a place I formed many many memories and seek to have these same experiences with my children. (Adam and I hope to find a cabin, someday.) I must have been about 4 since my younger brother isn't in this photo, and I will never forget how much fun we had together. How snotty I was when telling my mom, "well, i guess, i'm just goina havta dwowned" when she wouldn't blow up my floaty for the tenth time (I only know this because it was caught on tape and if I could share it with you I would...it's perfect and explains a lot to me about megan).

Looking back at my childhood, those moments that are wrapped around my family are the strongest and so important to me. I love remembering all the times we had together and continue to remind myself that we can still have them and that we will have them forever.

a few more photos to share from that same time period.

horseback riding, 3 yrs old

christmas morning 1979. I wish I could remember that doll and check out my starwars night gown.

Christmas morning 1977. I love the jacket/pant suit I'm wearing.

Do some of these photos not remind you of my girls?

I just love looking through old photos. I have tons and tons from my dad. Not as many from this time period, but over my life my dad always had his camera out. I am so grateful for those photos. They have helped me to remember moments I may have forgotten and given me a great reminder as to why I love capturing life.

8 randoms

I was tagged by Leah, a darling woman I met in San Diego whose photography is nothing short of inspirational, to list 8 random facts about me. I'm racking my brain to think of eight things and yet I know not too long ago I threw down 100 like it was no big deal.

Here it goes.

1. I don't like it when Adam goes to bed before me, but it happens almost every night.

2. It's in the 70's (degrees) today and I wish it would stay this way for the rest of the year and then snow on Christmas.

3. Sometime over the last four months or so I got over my desperate need for a mac. I walk by the apple store, I see a commercial and there is no longing....I sort of miss it.

4. I'm a completely different me than I was 12 months ago. Happier. More confident. More courageous. Less want. More love.

5. In the wee hours of the night I always crave either french fries or Arby's roast beef.

6. I'm seriously thinking about taking a modern dance class, I miss dancing.

7. If I had to choose between TV and the internet I would choose internet. No question.

8. A perfect day for me would be at home, with family, good food, and a nap.

I'm tagging
Lucy
Jordan
Lisa
Lori
Hannah

I have a full heart today.

It hit me as soon as I woke up. It's not a bad thing, I guess you could say my emotions are just so close to the surface. I've been brought to tears several times just by listening to a song or while watching a mother with her 3 daughters (ages 11-16) realizing I will be there someday soon and how I desperately want to hold onto this time I have while their so young. It will be hard when they don't want to cuddle anymore, when they don't need me the same (already seeing that). Megan asked me, "Are you goin' to be sad when I get older?", and "When I'm big like you the'll be two mommys". It's so strange for me to hear her talk about growing up.

Sigh...

I'm not really a fan of Saturdays. Not sure why, but I have my suspicions that it has something to do with errands, and the need to do something when there's nothing to do. I tried to rise above this and have the best day I could with my girls. We started with our dance classes, played with friends, went out to dinner, and rented movies. I also spent the afternoon scrapbooking. I wasn't feeling it, but really wanted to create, so I ended up using my blog as inspiration. Got to love already having your thoughts recorded.

The more I think about how I'm feeling I realize the tenderness comes from knowing how wonderful my life is. That contentment and happiness I feel does make me soft because it's all I ever wanted and it's staring back at me. I feel unbelievably lucky. Today I am grateful.

Happy Birthday Lolo!!!

a find

I've been looking through my photos from this summer making sure I have everything backed up and I came across this photo I took of my boy on July 4th. Such a coincidence finding it today, or not, while missing him since his been out of town. Even though he is away from me he always finds a way of leaving himself behind. Making me feel loved.

and so it begins

Tess got up early this morning with bright eyes and an excitement to start her first of many years in grade school. She cracks me up the way she is always so careful not to give away too much, sitting cool eating breakfast pretending there was nothing special about this day. She didn't want me to drop her off at school, she wanted to go with the neighbors who take Bella every morning, but I talked her into it once I realized I wouldn't get the chance to take photos. She got in line to enter the school with her classmates as if she had done it several times before. A ping of, I don't know, could it have been sadness, hit me as I realized she was more than ready for this moment and didn't need me. She gave me one of her quick quirky smiles and walked toward the door, following the girl in front of her.

I don't usually get sad about my girls going off and leaving me, especially something as simple as kindergarten, and I'm not even sure that's what it was. She just look so big, so ready for this new adventure, almost like she didn't need me anymore. As I watched her disappear into the classroom apart of me knew I wasn't quite ready for to grow up. Then I snapped out of it, she's only gone for 3 hours which seems like nothing really, and well, I know that she will have the best time on her own making new friends, after all it's a part of life I always loved.

So here I am, at home, just me and Megan. It's really something we have never experienced together (last year she was always napping) so I'm looking forward to the chance to get to be with her and reconnect while everyone else is in school. I have enjoyed her. She seems to be quite a different little girl when alone with you. It will only be 3 days a week since she'll be in school the other days, luckily giving me a few hours a week to breath.

Though I always look forward to them coming home and hearing their stories, I am really looking forward to a few moments of peace.

Wouldn't it be boring if we all were the exact same?

For FHE we talked about how wonderful it is that we are all different. We look different, we talk different, we create different, etc, but with all these differences we are still all children of our Heavenly Father and how important it is that we treat each other the same.

It was a fun family project (glad Whitney could join us) to watch as each girl took to their doll in a different creative direction.

As I sit here thinking about this topic I moved pass the "treat each other the same" and remind myself how each person in my life with their differences serves to bring to me something I am lacking, something that I need. How grateful I am that we're all different in our own little ways, that we can strengthen each other along the way and do for each other what we cannot do for ourselves. My life is richer because of those in it and full of beautiful different colors.

Are we not lucky to be so different? I wouldn't have it any other way.

Eleven books down

since June 12th, more books than I've probably read in a year before, sad, but true. I am beginning to see a pattern here, one I would like to find a remedy for so I come to you.

I am of course caught up in some way with every book I read. I always seem to cry at some point, usually an insignificant part of the story, which I'm sure most people would not shed emotion. It's usually a moment that touches me, an experience shared somehow with the characters. Of course with each story I chase the rise and fall, the climax, and am always brought to the conclusion, where somehow the story will eventually end. What I am finding is that among the last few words that are written a sadness comes over me. No matter how the story ends I am in a deep sadness that the adventure, the characters, the journey that I was just taken on is now over. Finished.

It takes me several hours to recover and move on. I know that must sound weird, tell me I am not crazy, that someone else experiences these same emotions?...Knowing the story will end, wanting to get to that end as quickly as possible while enjoying the ride, but sad to see it end?

Is it this need, wanting to capture again what is now over, that pushes us to the next book and then begins, the journey, the never ending cycle? Is this what it feels like to be a reader? HA! As I write this I laugh at myself, a self proclaimed reader. I guess you could say it's one of my RDVs...I read. In fact, I can't imagine not loving to.

So where am I going with this, what seems to be a random post, I guess just this...Do you experience these same feelings after finishing a book? What do you do? Allow yourself the emotion and then move on or do you jump right into something new? For me, I think I need a moment to reflect and to appreciate what I've just experience before allowing another one to take over.

Perhaps that's what makes up our favorite books, the stories, the journey, we want to go on over and over again.

13 years in 1 book

I have thought for years now about how I could best organize my girls school papers, report cards, photos, memorabilia, etc. It wasn't until I read the most recent issue of simple scrapbook magazine that I found my answer.

A handmade book that enclosed 13 10x13 inch envelopes to hold all the papers and memorabilia I want to save. The project I saw was for one school year (an envelope per month), but I chose to do one envelope per year, so I only need one book per child for all 13 years of schooling (K-12). I know that means I won't be able to save it all, but that's the point. I only want to save the most important things. If there is an art project that won't fit in, as I know there will be, I'll most likely take a picture of it and just add the photo. If I feel it deserves to be saved I'll put it in a box I have designated for each girl.

I probably should have waited to show you what I've done as I'm not completely finished, the covers need a label, I need to buy some book binding tape for the spine, and Bella needs to fill in the missing info from the past two years, but I just couldn't wait. I'm really excited about this project, the organization. I hate piles and right now that's exactly what I've got so these books are absolutely perfect. It's also a great way to use the school photo you just don't know what to do with, but want to order for history sake...well at least that's why I get them.

Tess' book

inside Bella's book

Click here to get instructions to make one of you own.

RDV

While in Europe I took SPs where ever I could. This just happens to be one of my favorites. Walking down the small streets of Sorrento Italy (near Naples) when I came upon this wall of paintings and one long mirror. Immediately I felt apart of the art and had to quickly captured the moment before I lost our friends (most of the trip felt like that, as I scurried around to get the shot before moving on). It wasn't until I got home that I recognized it's significance to me.

Last year, and for a lot of my life, I've felt like a picture on a wall watching others around me experiencing life. Feeling lost, never really knowing where to jump in, I continued to watch. It was a conscious decision, one Adam and I call a "Random Declaration of Victory" or RDV, when I decided to start living in the moment. Letting go of the past, my heartache, that which was keeping me closed off, and allowed Amy to shine and just be. Live. Everyday.

It's amazing how my life has changed in the time that has past. Though, bad days come, as they always do, I feel I'm more capable of dealing with life's frustrations and realize there is always tomorrow, a fresh start. Got to love the gift of a fresh start.

I'm glad I took that moment to take this photo. It has served to remind me of what I have chosen to give myself now, a full life. Now when I feel my commitment fading, the negativity spreading, I look at this photo and remember how horrible it was to feel lost in the background. I live. Laugh. Cry. Experience all that I can and hopefully along the way i will find that woman I see staring back at me. The one I want to be. The one I know I can be.

First day of a new year.

She was thrilled this morning, excited and I dare say a little bit nervous to go to school. She even said in her prayer to bless that she wouldn't get embarrassed. I thought it was so sweet they way her mind works and that she knows praying will help her feel better.

It feels weird that the summer is over already. It went by this year in a blur and I fear the rest of the year will go just as quickly and how badly I want to slow down time, if just a bit.

Here are a few highlights of what we did this summer, yes, today I will be reminiscing, but not about the heat. I am ready for that to fade.

Tess and Megan start school next week after labor day. They are both itching to go and I am just as excited to have a few hours a week to myself. I'm going to have to think of something to fill the days until Wednesday comes. I fear it could be a long week for the both of them.

Happy Monday!!

crashing

.

There's nothing like a really great day. A day so good that it brings on the best kind of exhaustion.

It reminded me so much of childhood, looking back and seeing how hard they slept after such a long day of playing hard.

projects

I've wanted to make this for a while, I've had the fabric for what seems like forever, but I never could find the time. Saturday I finally sat down and used my hands to satisfy my creative desire. It had been too long. It took longer than what I thought, but not long enough as I was listening to a book on my ipod and didn't want to stop. I'm just loving how quickly time will pass when getting lost in a novel.

Also last week, Monday while my kids where at their Nana's house, I finally finished the project I started last January. I repainted the cabinet and added the knobs I had purchased. I even moved it to a different location in my studio. To me it makes a huge difference to the room. I've always enjoyed rearranging.

I have others I want to share, but am waiting to develop the photos so I can share it when it's finished. I've been waiting since before I left for Europe. It's amazing what you'll get done when your trying to avoiding doing something else.

Hope everyone is having a fabulous Monday. I just love Mondays.

protection

So I've really been thinking about taking protecting my family to a new level. With increasingly horrific stories on the news I can't help, but wonder what more I could be doing.

I've mentioned this before on my blog, but of all the professionals Adam and I have spoken to over the years the one thing that will deter someone is a dog. So I've thought quite seriously about this the last couple of weeks. Adam, not really trying to say anything to convince me, wants this to be completely my decision since I was the one to bring it up in the first place. We started doing research in what kind of dog we wanted and we kept going back to English Bulldog, the type we had had years ago.

I struggle because really I don't want a dog. I am not a dog person. I don't want to take care of a dog. I don't want to smell the dog etc. etc. The list could go on and on. Despite how I feel I want to protect my family so I am fighting my desire to say, "Am I kidding? I don't want this!" when really I do or I should.

So last night we hoped into the car as a family to go meet a bulldog breeder 2 hours north of our house. I'm not sure what we were thinking at the time. It was crazy traffic and the girls still were not feeling their best. An hour into it Megan and Bella were crying because they just couldn't take it anymore. We stopped for a bit thinking we would just head back the hour we came, but after eating for a while we decided to push on since the girls were up for it. We had one more hour to go which seemed to go pretty good except Megan ended up throwing up, good thing we were prepared. By the time we got there we had been on the road for 4 hours. We laughed considering how far we could have gone in that amount of time.

Finally we made it to see the 3 puppies that were waiting for us. They were adorable and you know how puppies catch your eye, how lovable they are. Then the owner brought out the father. Fear ran through my body when I first laid eyes on him and I thought he would definitely keep someone away. He was big, much bigger than I remember Otto (our first bulldog) being. He came toward us and I wanted to run, it seemed I was not the only one as our girls squealed in terror and ran away. It was a funny site, but I completely understood...I was scared. Harley was his name. He came to me looking like he was going to jump up so I held him back. He was so thick I could barely move him. He was excited, but gentle. I could see how he could be a good family dog, but keep people away at the same time just by sheer presence. It was then, however, that I realized these puppies would grow up and almost certainly be big like their father. Am I really ready for this?

We talked for a while and then we put down money with the understanding that we would pick him up in a few weeks when our home was ready for him. I must admit I felt totally stressed all the way home. I just really don't want a dog. I am really really torn. I know we don't have to do it, but I also know I want to be safe and I know no other way.

So right now we are getting a puppy or at least we've bought one. I could change my mind at any moment, you know how bad I am at decisions. He is cute though, really cute and with Adam's promise to do his part it just may work. Who knows. I'll keep you posted.

fifteen years

His graduation 1992. I believe the last photo taken of us together.

One by Metallica plays in the background and it's all I can do to keep myself from hiding in a closet and letting the emotions overwhelm me. He made a talent show video to this song in high school and I watched it over and over and over again after his death trying desperately hard not to forget his memory. So this song in my mind is wrapped around his life. I can see him skiing, rock climbing, rollerblading in Moab, enjoying life to the fullest like he always did. It makes me happy to know that his life, though short, was full of goodness.

I have so many thoughts running through my head I don't even know how to make sense of them anymore. It's been fifteen years.

Sigh...

At times it seems like the other day and then other times I can see the distance between us.

I miss him.

Each and every day I miss him. I have fought to keep each detail as the years go by and thank God for each tender mercy that has reminded me of him in my life.

Megan came in while I was writing this and asked why I was so sad. She cried with me as I showed her photos and talked to her about how much I miss him, she's such a tender soul. When I look at my girls I see the time. I see fifteen years, but how much I love knowing he was with them. They knew him.

So with a calm heart I face this day with gratitude in my heart that I knew such a person. He has forever made an imprint on me and I am forever changed.

sickies

I have for the past two days been dealing with 2 very sick girls. It starting Monday night when Megan threw up several times and then Bella woke up that morning with the same surprise for me. It has been non stop for the both of them and all my energy has been spent pushing liquids. I was hoping it would be a one day thing, but alas it is still with us.

I hate to see them so sad. So lifeless. It has been so hard for me to watch Megan's little frail body laying over the toilet waiting for it to come. I hate feeling helpless, but at least I know I am doing what she needs...just being with her. It was a blessing that I finally got my photo order in the mail today so I could sift through and recall just how lively they were just a few days ago. I hope tomorrow will be a new day for them and that Tess, Adam, and I will be spared a few days in bed.

Although it's hard to deal with, I have had more time while they sat and watched TV to work on project around the house. I organized all the school papers/art from last year that I had in different files and I'm so glad I did because I found this of Bella's that I had never read.

"Poem cleaning good"

"Today is great because we cleaned so well. We set the timer for 1 minute in megan's room. We did it before it went off. And in the basement it was 4 minutes and bam before it stoped we were done."

and then this

"To: Tess Megan Mom Dad
Please sine up for picking a prize and use it for a hour OK. Then you guys can get a presant for me."

I don't recall the reason behind the second one, but it cracked me up nevertheless. I guess something good has come of today. I love find stuff like this.

a sign

I have lots of stories from my European trip that I will probably share from time to time.

I was looking through my photos again getting ready to print some and came across this one that I saw all over europe.

I just thought it was so funny that they had a sign to remind everyone they were in fact not allowed to take off their cloths. I am sure this photo is of a man in a swimming suit since over there tight suits are seen everywhere, but of course I initially thought it was about, well I'm sure you get it.

them

It has been strange watching Bella and Tess get close and see Megan left behind. It's a natural way of things with Megan younger and more annoying...you know the constant wrecking of toys or just not understanding how to play a game. I have felt bad for Megan many times as the girls cheer when it's her nap time or ask me to help keep her out of their room. I always thought one day she would find her way.

Well, I've been noticing as of late Megan and Tess have been buddying around much more. Perhaps it comes more with age and the fact that they did just have 9 months together while Bella was at school all day to find each other. It has been fun for me to watch them grow and find what works for them. They're so much a like I can see how they fell into play quite easily despite the fact that there really was no one else to play with, but me.

I am glad my girls have each other. That they are finding how to get along and not get along as it seems too much of the time. I pray as they get older they will find that safe place in each other, that being sisters will go way beyond relations, but best friends. It's something I dream for them and as I look at this photo of Tess and Megan and remember how they were telling each other secrets I realize they're right on their way.

focus on Megan

12:29:35 PM

12:29:53 PM

12:30:26 PM

It was so funny to realize how quickly she went from excitement to pure terror to enjoying the ride once again. Almost 1 minute.

She has been asking to go back ever since.

palpable

There we were, eating Sunday dinner a couple weeks ago when it hit me, sitting at the table with me was just my parents and siblings. It was strange the way it all work out. For the first 11 days of my sister's visit it was just my parents, my sister and brother, our kids, and of course me. Jeni's husband Scott was at scout camp/work so he didn't drive down with her. Chris' wife Amy was home with their new baby helping her to stay sick free, and my Adam hurt his back and was home out of commission. It was something that hadn't happened in years.

When I first realized it was just us the small feeling I carry with me, every holiday, every time my family gets together became overpowering. It's a feeling I am much to familiar with, but still not at all comfortable facing. The overwhelming feeling of incompleteness that has been with me for the past coming on 15 years next week. The constant void. It's thick. Dense. To the point where I feel I can almost reach out and touch it. How badly I would love to push it aside, but I hold it close as not to loose it.

A few days ago when I thought about it again I realized why most of the time my sister was in town I had been haunted once again with the question about adding to my family. I'm chasing to fill that emptiness I have. Somehow I think if my family was bigger I wouldn't be as affected by these feelings. I am smart enough to know that is impossible mostly because I don't want to let it go. As unhealthy as that sounds to the Psychologists out there, I would rather hold on than forget.

So I embrace it. Thank God each day that I have it. And live to remember what I had and what I will one day have again.

where to begin

I'm not even sure where to begin. I have lots to share from the past several weeks, thoughts I've had, events that have happened, bloggers I've seen, projects I've worked on, etc. So today I figure I would just give a recap of photos from my sisters visit and share the stories in the days to come.

swimming

miniature golfing

It was particularly funny watching Megan play. She would hit the ball toward the hole, grab it most times while moving, and then place it next to the hole where she would precede to hit it in. As I figure what a great way to play...you are always assured 2 par per hole.

Library

Children's discovery

I ran into a blogger while there...none other than Claudia herself. I probably would have been more shocked if i hadn't just seen her at the blog party. I wish I had got a photo of us, but nevertheless it was fun to see her.

amusement park

While going on the skyride with my mom she leaned back and said, "life is good!". I'm really glad she can recognize what she has.

And look who stopped by my parents house on Saturday

Darling Mindy. It was fun to see her and talk a while.