needles and yarn

Megan and I have been knitting. Yes knitting! Ever since I tried to teach Bella to knit and it didn't catch on--apparently it just took too much time--I was discouraged and thought knitting was something I wouldn't get to pass on. In fact, I often think that about the stuff I love to do--wondering if it will be something my girls and I will have in common.



Well apparently we do. A few weeks ago Megan asked to learn. I'm thinking maybe it's the sewing lessons or the fact that she's been watching me knit this winter, but whatever the reason she wanted to learn and well, that was all the encouragement I needed.

Can I tell you how fulfilling it is teach my daughter something I love to do, something that, although was not passed on to me by my grandmother personally, continues to be the one thing that connects me to her? You may have had this experience already and know exactly what I'm talking about, but teaching my girls what I love to do provides a fullness I'm not sure I've experienced any other way. Sitting side by side with her, enjoying the babbling of her thought process, hearing the needles work there magic while knitting away makes all the stresses of life fade.



I'm really hoping this is not a phase and something that will quickly get pushed to the side when more exciting things come her way, but if so I will not get discouraged. I have no doubt if she looses her way that eventually, like me, she will find her way back. But I'm getting ahead of myself too much, who knows, this might be something she will continue throughout her life, and she should. She's definitely got it in her--for a beginner she has the skills and picked it up rather quickly. For now though, I'm not trying to think about it too much, I'm just enjoying the times we've spent together on the couch together with needles and yarn.

Happy Tuesday!

xoxo
amy gretchen

inching my way back

Apparently I've taken an unsolicited internet break. It's not something I had planned on doing, it was just something that happened. This week my minds been heavy and I haven't really had anything to share. In truth, I'm not even sure I do now, but for whatever reason I am inclined to write. I actually had to go back to my blog to remind myself what was the last thing I wrote about. I didn't realize it had been a week since I blogged, and yet I did know because I haven't really stepped foot in my studio all week. I mean, aside from helping Megan with her Susan B. Anthony biography report, I haven't touched my computer. I'm just now importing photos from this past week and reorienting myself with my machine.



So what have been doing with my time that I usually use to post? One word, reading. Escaping into someone else's world so I didn't have to think about the heaviness in mine. Do you ever do that? Of course often times reading just gives me more to think about. I love it when a book teaches me, inspires me, or in this case simply reminds me to keep moving even if it's only an inch at a time.

These two quotes have been on my mind since I heard it while listening to Cutting For Stone. I enjoy the productivity that can be had while listening to a book, but have decided the downside to it is 1) you don't get to smell the book and 2) once I'm done I have to search around for all my randomly placed slips of notes.

"The key to your happiness is to own your slippers, own who you are, own how you look, own your family, own the talents you have, and own the ones you don't. If you keep saying your slippers aren't yours, then you'll die searching, you'll die bitter, always feeling you were promised more. Not only our actions, but also our omissions...become our destiny."

"She died chasing greatness and never saw it each time it was in her hand, so she kept seeking it elsewhere, but never understood the work required to get it or to keep it."

Have a fabulous weekend everyone and thank you thank you friends for helping the heaviness ease.

xo

simple pleasures

When you put on a movie with popcorn you don't even know there's kids in the house, let alone six.

My friend's out of town and I've had her three since yesterday. It's actually been fun to have a shadow again--her youngest is four and has been keeping me company while the others are at school. Besides the change it was to my day, having them here has been a huge hit with my girls. Since we don't usually have sleepovers, except with family, they were stoked to be able to do it on a school night and then come home and play some more. I keep wondering if they're going to get sick of each other, but so far it has been nothing but good times--and how could it not? They've made their own personalized pizza, watched movies, danced with abandon, played outside, enjoyed bowls of popcorn, and slept in a fort.

Oh the simple pleasures of being a kid.

thursday miscellany

I have been crazy for reading since January began. I can't understand what it's about since last year I gave such a poor reading performance. Perhaps it has something to do with hiding out from the gray January days, who knows, but for whatever reason I find that I cannot read enough. I just started Major Pettigrew's Last Stand, which I am thoroughly enjoying--great writing, great characters, great story--really digging it.


This is a typical scene I watch unfold every morning after the girls have brought up their school paraphernalia & get ready to head out the door. On this particular day Bella is busy lecturing Megan about treating her violin case with respect. Of course the boots, blanket, and multiple stuff animals are Megan's loot that she brings up with her every morning--her Kitty and pillow pet, known as Pandy, are never far away. It's become part of my routine to get them back to their proper home once the house is quieted down.


Have I told you yet that I've decided, unequivocally, that I am not a painter? Feels good to finally admit that. And it's not even that I think I stink at it as much as I'm not even sure I enjoy it like I use to, though I'm quite certain those two things are related. At any rate, I played around last weeks with some friends and after staring, for far too long, at a masterpiece gone wrong Jenica helped me, in the end, mess it all up.


The January gray is seriously messing with my chi, and while I know we've had some good and sunny days mixed in, I think I'm just done with it--like when I said I was done with it two weeks ago--done with it.

mindful

I started reading Crow Lake Sunday night and found myself grateful I had picked it up while I was alone--Adam was out of town--to devour the words. Mary Lawson, the author, captured so perfectly the moments you go through when someone you love passes away. The way your life slows down and you remember all the pieces of the moment & the moments leading up to it as if burned in your memory. I finally had to put the book down as I found myself reflecting with the author about my own experience and how they compared.


[iphone instagram app]

The day before my brother died, Sunday, I remember like it was yesterday, the way he stood up after church, gave my sister and I a hug at the same time and said, "i love you guys". I remember how we both randomly ended up at my cousins that evening. I didn't know he was going to be there and vice versa, it just happened that he showed up with friends and we were all hanging out. It doesn't seem that random, except it was, that had never happened before. I don't recall the specifics of what was said or even if we hung out that much, but I do remember being in my aunt's bedroom and he was there and I think maybe he was making fun of me about the boy I liked. There was some lively banter, though like I said, it is vague. Then I was at the door leaving, he was there too, I swear he was teasing, he said something to the boy, but the memory is faint, and then I left and that was the last time I saw him.

When I roll these images around in my head of those final moments I am disturbed by the large chunks of time left missing. I don't remember what happened after church to the time we saw each other at our cousins. I don't remember if we had dinner as a family or what we talked about, I hope we did, but I don't know, that time is blurry--and so is our goodbye. I think maybe if I spoke with some of the people there that night I may be able to piece it all together, get a better picture, in fact I'm almost sure I could, but it bugs me that some moments are held tight while others drift away.

I never really made a connection until I was reading Sunday and it got me thinking about my final goodbye with my brother that goodbyes are not something I take lightly anymore. Death changes you. It just does. If you've been through it, you know exactly what I mean and while we all mourn differently and at our own pace, at the other end we come out of it completely different--changed. It's impossible not to, tragedy does not leave one unscathed. And in this one thing, parting, I am completely different than I once was. Goodbyes hold a lot more meaning to me now, and I know this is going to sound completely insane and morbid, but you never do know when it will be your last. In all our years of marriage there have only been a few times where I've let Adam leave on bad terms and let me just tell you, I can't go a few hours without calling and making things right with him. Mostly I end up at the last minute, just in the nick of time, running down the stairs and seeing him get into his car, me waving from the door and telling him I love him--you just never know.

And it's not so much the saying goodbye as much as it's remembering that moment. When the girls leave for school I love them up, send them on their way, and watch them disappear up the hill. It's not really something I do consciously, I'm not standing there wondering if it's the last time I will see them, but deep down I think I'm trying to burn the memory of that moment into my brain. And not even in the case of death, more so, I do it so that I'm present right then and I'll have it to recall on later. I guess you could say remembering has become vitally important to me and don't doubt it has something to do with why I document my life. I don't want to forget where we are or where we've come from.

I guess you could say my experience with death taught me that I want to live a mindful life. I'd like to say that I'm awesome at living mindfully, that I've been living that way since that fateful day in 1992, and even though I don't think I do such a bad job of it, it's still something that I'm continually perusing and working towards. I want to be present in the moment, to be aware of who's around me and what they need, to be mindful of the time given, to be grateful for what I have when I have it now--not when it's gone.

I wish that was a lesson I could have learned another way, but I am grateful, today, that I learned it nevertheless.

xxox

i want to go to the east coast.
i want to take pictures of interesting doors and see what lives behind them.
i want to dance with abandon.
i want to enjoy the art of cooking.
i want to eat spicy food.
i want to be hear the ocean crashing against the shore.
i want to get lost in a field of tall grass.
i want to go to a place where all they speak is french.
i want to try a zumba class.
i want to write a memoir in short stories.
i want to live mindfully.
i want to try something new.
i want to learn how to play the guitar.
i want to laugh more.
i want to finish my photo books.
i want to see more color.
i want to feel warm breeze against my face.

see good days

...love life, and see good days...

1Peter 3:10

another day

I wish today could be one of these types of days, quiet, slow with some time in bed reading, but alas it is not. I'm not complaining though, I did it to myself. This past week I think I had a little too much quiet, slow with some time in bed reading, which is why today is so busy with last minute items.

--I'm finishing up with photos from a maternity shoot I did last weekend.
--Running errands like getting ink (had no idea I was out. could have been really bad had I waited to find out til tomorrow) and going to the grocery store
--Working on Sharing Time for tomorrow. If you don't know what that is, it's a 20 minute presentation for the Primary children at church.
--Helping Tess put together her science project board. All I can say is if I do another science project in my lifetime it will be too soon.

All and all it's not hard stuff just busy time consuming stuff, stuff I should have been doing all week because let's face it, I've had those items on my to do list since last week and kept saving it for another day. The problem with that is "another" day always comes when you're hoping to spend your time doing something else. sigh.

**Do you ever do that, put stuff off for another day?
**Are you in the middle of a science project?

her comfort

around here most things change, but some still stay the same.



Her kitty, her comfort as I use to call it, is now gray and ragged, no longer fluffy pink as it once was. It's felt a lot of love from the arms of this little one.

I took this photo above a couple weekends ago and didn't realize how similar it was to the photo I took of her on her 3rd birthday until I uploaded it. She was taking a nap and I needed to wake her up, we were heading somewhere too unimportant to remember. I didn't want to disturb her, not only because she looked so peaceful, but you know how it is to wake a sleeping child. So i sat on her floor, my studio now, and watched her for what seemed like a good while--her deep breaths the only sound, the heat of the room dampening her hair, her slight turned down frown.

It was hard to imagine then as I watched that I would one day be where I am, where we are. A gray ragged kitty, a little girl trying to be a big girl making a life for herself out in the world.

Perhaps I should have had one or two more children to put distance between now and then so the weight of growing out of stages could fall on a different time, but if I'm being completely honest with myself it's not more children I want, it's more time. The time comes, as it always does, when you want the days to slow down and the moment to stay a little longer. When you'd give anything to carrying them around the house like you use to. When all you want is to hear them come to the side of your bed and wake you from your slumber just to be with you.

It happened last night. It hadn't happened in so long, a night time visit that she sacred me to death--I wasn't expecting her. As she worked up a good cry about how she couldn't be in her bed and her sisters wouldn't let her in theirs, I knew I was needed. So I walked her to her room as I'd done so many times before, laid with her til her breathing got deeper and slowed down considerably, and then with a kiss on the head, I slipped out as if I'd never been there.

Time is a funny thing. It doesn't really wait until we're ready or ask if we want to move on it just goes--constantly. All we can really do is go with it and hope what they remember aren't the times we weren't at our best and got impatient with them, but the moments together where we laid with them, held them, comforted them like an old gray ragged kitty that they've always been able to count on.

detour-ish kind of day

Some times it can be a benefit to leave your house at 6:30 in the morning. I guess you never know what might cross your path. This morning it was this view...



sort of took our breathe away when we pulled out of the neighborhood to see the city lights sparkling below a brilliant setting full moon. We were all speechless for a moment, it took only two seconds to decided, and then I turned the car around. No one was surprised at all to see us heading back toward the house--I think they've been with me long enough to know exactly why. The view was too stunning to pass up and luckily I had given enough time for this sort of detour.

It seems like it's been one of those types of days, a detour sort of day. The weekend was long, four days long, and while I should be catching up on all the house work that fell to the side while we took time off, my body is slower than usual today to get back into it. You see, I didn't sleep well last night and really haven't been since I mentioned it last week. I thought it was nothing, but now I'm curious as to whether or not my body is deficient in some key element and unable to completely let go. The lack of sleep has worn on me enough to where my long weekend was about catching up on what I had missed.

My head hurts, really it's my eyes, but I still managed to make it up to the school to volunteer in Megan's classroom. There were sufficient parents to cover the class and so I was going to leave as quickly as I came until Megan spotted me and begged me to stay. I milled around in my sweats and ponytail helping where I was needed, grateful I wasn't self conscious at all amongst the other "put together" moms. Even if I do know them I'm not afraid to be seen like I just rolled out of bed. Somehow I am confident in that, but perhaps I shouldn't be...

I came home, made dinner, folded some laundry and found myself on the couch finishing up the last 20 pages of Never Let Me Go. I know that doesn't sound too detour-ish, but I never read during the day, not usually anyway. I save that for the evening when everyone is in bed, which just goes to show you why I haven't been reading very many books. Seems I'm asleep as soon as I touch my pillow--the problem is staying asleep. At any rate, I was reading and crying and I can't even be sure why because I didn't love the book--I'm what you'd say, somewhere in the middle. It started out good, I loved the narrator, but then it took a different turn I hadn't really expected. Honestly I can't quite figure out how I feel about it. All I know is the story, their lives and what they were about saddened me and I long for them to have a better ending. Apparently sleep messes with my emotions.

And so here I am blogging, wondering what I'm doing writing such a random post? What I should be doing is taking a nap so I'll be lively when the kids get home from school, but honestly I'm trying to keep myself awake so I don't mess up my sleep for tonight. I heard once that the worse kind of torture would be to keep someone awake for days at a time. I am beginning to understand what they mean--I'm just not functioning in my same normal way. And I guess that's ok, every now and again you need a good detour. Except I don't know that I'd classify this as good, but it's most definitely detour-ish.

her widsom

A kinder gentler soul I could not meet and while she's so good and compassionate and loving to others, she is not very good to her. What I mean is, she doesn't see herself in the light that she sees everyone else. Watching her it hurts my heart because I know this is something she has inherited from me. I understand that feeling of seeing in everyone else all the good, but find it extremely difficult to look inwardly and see the same.



I found her one snowy afternoon during our Christmas break painting with her new paints. I watched her there for a minute, it made me so happy to see her deep in an art project, before I let her know I was there. Upon approaching her I caught sight of what she was working on--words, a reminder, and this is what it said,

art is the perfect talent for me! (don't forget)

My eyes swelled with tears and I almost lost it then, when i read her words, wondering if she knew just how powerful those affirmative words are. Sometimes our hearts lead us in places we don't feel adequate. We fall in love with something we don't do well or if at all. Tess loves art, but has often said she "doesn't feel good at it". Sound familiar? It does to me. It's hard to want to try when things don't come easy. Failure is a hard pill to swallow, but like J.K. Rowling said,

"it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all--in which case, you fail by default."

Our travels may come with failures and set backs, we may not be good at what we try first time, but at least that means we're living and inevitably those experiences will help us for the next time--for the next place our hearts lead us.

Tess not only are you an amazing artist, but you are insightful beyond your years. Thank you for reminding me that I am the only thing holding me back and how powerful my words can be at propelling me forward. Your truth is now my truth--art is the perfect talent for me! don't forget.


Have a great weekend.
xo

12of12 | January

[enlarge]

01. Wake up call. No I don't usually get up that early, but unfortunately I couldn't sleep so 4am it was.
02. Decided on a p90x core synthetics workout. I think one of my favorite disc of the series.
03. 9am volunteered in Bella's classroom to work on their pottery projects. Today was adding the glaze for their creations finally adventure in the kiln.
04. Tess as always was eager to eat breakfast and equally eager to help me make it. The one reason why I loved this photo so much was she has her camera (Christmas gift) strapped to her and when I asked her about it she said she was going to take pictures like me. I'm not sure she made it all day, but it sure made me happy to hear.
05. Deep in my groove making the giveaway charm for Kris.
06. While I was helping clean up all the glazes I was drawn to all the lovely colors. I think Bella's class thought I was crazy when I stood up on the chair and took this. In fact, at one point I over heard her trying to explain that "I take photos".
07. The breakfast conversation was hilarious or at least that's the way I remember when I think back, but the details have escaped me. I need to wait for Bella to wake up to ask her. I'm certain she'll know.
08. The letters I'm using to stamp the metal. I love letters & words.
09. Went to the library to pick up the book waiting for me on hold.
10. Like I said yesterday Bella is taking piano lessons from my friend down the street. She is absolutely loving them. I normally wouldn't sneak in to disturb them, but since Meili (teacher) is doing the 12of12 with me this year I knew she would understand.
11. Just started reading Never Let Me Go, hence my library visit, and am hooked. I love it when you can't put a book down after the first paragraph.
12. I ran into the grocery store to grab ingredient for dinner only to slow down to a stop when I saw the colors of the flowers. They were grocery store flowers, but with so much greyness I could have stayed there--staring. I miss color outside.


It's not like more than a month went by since the last time I did this, but putting it together reminded me how much I love seeing my day come together. There are times when I wonder how I can make this day different from the rest and sure enough, even after doing it for 2 years, not one is alike--each day has it's own uniqueness.

If you participated don't forget to link your post with mr. linky so we can all see.


again. thanks for playing along with me.
xo

since the new year...

--I've been knitting a lot more. I can't say for sure where my motivation has come from, it's been so long since I picked up my needles, but I have been enjoying the rhythm immensely.

--We've had very cold temperatures. I haven't been able to warm up yet.


--I started sewing classes for Megan and Tess. First lesson we learned about the machine and how to thread it. Throughout the entire lesson Tess told me all the ways my sewing machine differed from her Nana's superior machine. I laughed. My machine may be 25 years old, but it can certainly hold it's own--has never failed me yet. Second lesson was practicing sewing straight and curved lines on paper. Once they got the pressure on the pedal down they did great.

--Bella got my old iphone for Christmas which acts as an ipod touch since it has no service. Anyway, she has been sending me "good night" text messages and listening to music in the morning like her dad. I guess they've all taken on that habit to want music when there is none.


--We set up skype so the girls are now able to see their cousins in Washington when they talk. Funny how the first few times they ended up staring at themselves instead of talking--they're getting the hang of it.

--I've been sleeping horribly or maybe it's just been the last three days. At any rate it feels like it's been forever since I've had a toss-less goodnight sleep.

--I've read Tuck Everlasting and Wishin' & Hopin'. Enjoyed them both.


--My dad, who's been playing a bachelor all week, came to dinner and to help Tess with her science project.

--I've been trying new recipes and my families been enjoying them. Go figure. Perhaps they're leaving their picky ways behind.

--Bella started taking piano lessons. I have a feeling she is going to catch on very quickly. Hoping to get a picture of her lesson today to go along with my 12of12.


--squinkies & lots of 'em.

--I'm ready for January to be over. The gray (inversion) is started to get at me.

another year, another 12of12 challenge

It seems like just the other day that I invited all of you to join me on the 12of12 challenge and yet here we are, a year later, ready to start a new year of twelves. This challenge continues to be a part of my year that I absolutely love. I still take photos everyday and have so since 2008, but if you asked me which one I would choose to do if I only did one it would be the 12of12 challenge. I think it's the perfect way to capture your life and see the goodness you are creating.

I hope for those of you who were hesitant to do it last year will give it a try this year. If you followed along in anyway you will see there are a number of ways to do it. It doesn't matter what you use to capture your day, there were several people using phone cameras, just start taking photos and enjoy the process--and before you know it you'll have a year full of photographs that represent your life.

Here is my year at a glance in 12.

January 2010

February 2010

March 2010

April 2010

May 2010

June 2010

July 2010

August 2010

September 2010

October 2010

November 2010

December 2010

If you are new to this challenge you can go here to read all about it and here to download the collage file & instructions to use each month if you choose to.

Thanks for playing along with me in 2010. I am really looking forward to another year and another set of twelve.

xo

moment of truth

Have you ever had an experience where you’ve been looking for something and it’s been right under you nose the whole time, but you just couldn't see it? That’s exactly what happened to me.

A couple months ago I saw online the phrase “speak your truth”. I liked it enough that I made a mental note of it. Then in December when I was making the stamped jewelry and decided to practice on a blank charm for myself the thought “speak your truth” came to my mind once again, but when I went to stamp it on “live” popped in my head and with a smile I began to work on my charm "live your truth" knowing that’s exactly what I needed.

“do I think too much?”
“you don’t think too much, you do too little.”

That was a blurb from the conversation I had with Adam last Thursday. After he said it I had to sit with it for a minute, knowing he was dead on, I had to internalize it myself. Deep breathe. Yes, he was right. I do not put into action all the things I think about. I do do too little.

I think over the past five plus years of blogging I’ve spoken my truth. I’ve tried to do my best at sharing the woman I am--the good, the bad, the crazy, & the sane. I share what I believe, my struggles, my fears, my art, & my triumphs. I tell you what I love, what I want, & what I need. Admittedly you’re not getting every piece, there is a filter, but that is a post for another day. Suffice it to say, if you read my blog you should get a clear picture of the workings of my mind, who I am, what I’m about, and the woman I want to be.

but
and it’s a very big but—

Talk is cheap. I could talk till I’m out of breath and then some, but talking never got me anywhere. Well, that’s not being entirely fair. I think talking/thinking is the beginning, but once you do the work to gain the knowledge the next step is action. We need to take what we’ve learned and apply it. Unfortunately that’s the hardest part and the part I seem to struggle with the most. It’s the reason I chose live and do all those years ago because I knew it’s what I needed to improve and if I am true about who I am it’s still something I struggle with.

I have all these thoughts in my head (you get to read some of them)—ideas, things I want to try, things I want to improve. I think about what I can do to make it happen, I write about it, talk to others about it, but for whatever reason—fear, laziness, etc., I don’t really care the excuse, the point is—I never get around to following through with it. If my dreams don’t come true I only have me to blame and I’m not okay with that.



So this year I am focusing on TRUTH—LIVING MY TRUTH

And this is my truth...
-Relationships are everything so I'm going to spend time developing meaningful relationships with those I love.
-Service makes the burden of trials lighter so I'm going to listen for opportunities and give service
-Life is to be enjoyed so I'm going to be present in everything i do.
-Being grateful changes our attitude so I'm doing my daily gratitude journal.
-I love creating so I'm going to have more projects.
-Knowledge is power, but action is more so I'm going to do what I know.
-Where there is light there can be no darkness so I'm focusing on the light.


xoxo
amy gretchen

charm winner

Kris it's your lucky day. Congrats you are the winner of the charm. :)
Please email me with your word and address and I'll send it out to you this week.

p.s. I'm not on my computer so I apologize for not being able to show the random.org generate box.

********************************************************************************************************

I've had several of you interested in the charm I made for myself. If you would like one or one like it with your own word or phrase email me. The cost will be $20 for the charm only (no chain).

thanks for playing along.
xo

handmade + giveaway

Jewelry. Jewelry was the focus of my handmade gifts this year. It was something I played with earlier in the year, remember, and something i wanted to learn more about. My friend Amy knew this so she took me to her friends bead shop in Logan and while I've been to bead shops in the passed and actually had a game plan (idea) about what I wanted to get, I simply was not prepared for the amount of beads I'd have to choose from. The moment I walked in all was forgotten--I was completely overwhelmed.

Although i had a rough start, I am pleased to report I did make it through the experience and at least an hour into it I was able to find my groove and get the beads I was looking for. I have decided though, that maybe I am a better online bead shopper.


Here are a few of the pieces I made (I made a few more earring sets not shown her, but they were earrings much like what I made over the summer so I thought i would just focus on these. Here's one to give you an idea).

Since I had learned your basic jewelry making skills I was itching to learn something new so I started to play with chainmail. The bracelet in the top right I made for Adam's mom and it's the Byzantine design weaved with 4mm jump rings. Although tedious it was a lot of fun to put together.



The other thing I've been itching to learn is stamped jewelry. I went back and forth for months trying to decide whether or not it was worth spending the money on the supplies, they are not inexpensive, but I figured Christmas was the perfect opportunity. So like most things I do I bought the stuff and went for it. I only wrecked one blank which surprised me (i bought extra in case) and created a few other pieces just for practice--like this one for myself above.

Since I bought a few extra and have a blank left over like the "hope" charm in the bottom right picture I thought it would be fun to do a giveaway to start out the year. So if you are interested in having a name, initials, or your 2011 word stamped in metal make a comment and I'll draw for a winner Saturday January 8th at 8pm MST. After looking at the example above I think I could easily get 5 letters maybe 6 on the blank. So be thinking.

Have a great weekend!!


P.S. if you're not the winner but are interested in getting a hand stamped charm for yourself email me.

old soul

recently i've noticed her watching me, watching adam.
recently i've seen her reach out and need from us what she hasn't needed in the past.
recently i've seen her transitioning.
recently i've noticed her beginning to find her voice.
recently i've watched her pull away and then back--searching her world at home, at school, and seeing independence staring back at her.



adam and i always joke about her being an old soul and yet it's not really a joke. if in our pre-mortal life we progressed at different rates than clearly she surpassed me. i've often wondered if someone got it wrong and she was meant to be my teacher, but i guess that's where they got it right--she is. everyday she teaches me.

i've always admired the way she's utterly and completely secure about the person she is. i was just going to write when i was her age i wasn't even close to being comfortable with me, but let's be honest, i am still struggling with being secure with the woman i am, with the way the world sees me. she is who she is and hasn't once wondered if that was or wasn't good enough (man i wish i could bottle that up).

it will be interesting to sit back and watch her navigate through life much better than i ever did, hoping, that her security & confidence will serve her well--that when life throws it's best at her she'll be able to hold her own. i have no doubt this girl of mine will go far.

i am grateful for her awkwardness, her positivity, her laughter, and her ability to get the job done even when it's not something she's keen on doing. Hopefully she is rubbing off on the other two--i know it's definitely rubbing off on me.

sledding goodness

It's so cold outside right now I can hardly believe I was out in it last week. Of course, not only does an enjoyable outing make the cold diminish, but it was considerably warmer than it is today. Considerably.

So much so that my girls kept taking off their many layers and it wasn't until they crashed and fell in the snow that they decided jackets/gloves were a good thing.























After looking through these photos this morning I find myself wanting to bundle up inside next to a fire with a book, but have decided moving to be just as effective. Let's just say, I've gotten a lot done the last couple of days.

**Are you in the cold today or do you find yourself with spring like temps? If so, lucky you.

Have a good one. xoxo

transition

I've been pondering, for over a month now, about what word to focus on for the year. Constantly on the lookout for what I want this year to be about, taking my time hoping it will just jump out at me like it has in the past, but suffice it to say, it has alluded me and I haven't been able to nail it down. In fact I feel so far away that I don't even have a working list of words I'm picking from. I am empty.

I guess you could say I'm quite attached to my word CHOOSE. I never thought it would be as powerful as it has been for me. This past year has giving me a better understanding at just how in control I am of my life and that I have the power to do with it what I will. Regardless if I see life positive or negative it is my choosing, mine to design, and I only have me to blame.

"Life offers you two precious gifts—one is time, the other freedom of choice, the freedom to buy with your time what you will...yours is the freedom to choose ....Every day, every hour, every minute of your span of mortal years must sometime be accounted for. And it is in this life that you walk by faith and prove yourself able to choose good over evil, right over wrong,enduring happiness over mere amusement. And your eternal reward will be according to your choosing." -Elder Richard L. Evans quoted by Elder D. Todd Christopherson

And so I sit hesitant, grateful for the insight "choose" has brought to me this year, grateful for what it has begun to help me see and change within myself, but know this hesitation is one I deal with every year. Each January I feel this longing to keep my word. I know this sounds silly or maybe a little idiotic to those of you who don't pick words, make resolutions, or have a focus, but to me it's an important transition. I can honestly say that each year, each word has giving me something that I have needed. DO and LIVE got my moving again. GIVE helped me move outside of myself. And CHOOSE, well, choose showed me gifts I've had and helped me to see life's possibilities. You see, I've felt attached to each word for different reasons and honestly, when it comes down to it, have never really been ready to move on. I'm realizing now, what a wise friend once told me, that we don't necessarily need to move on from our word, we can build upon it and take it with us.

yes. exactly.

So while I'm giving myself permission to take my time and let my word come to me when I'm ready, I'm also giving myself permission to move on.



I know, I do seem to think about things too much and make life more complicated than it needs to be. I get on my own nerves and apologize if I'm doing the same to you. But I write about it because when I do I often find the answers I was looking for. When I started this post I had decided to keep choose (for a while anyway) and now feel that I can easily move past it--that I should. Perhaps I should look for antonyms to the word complicated and go with one of those...perhaps simplify.

hmmm...maybe.

xo

thinking about...

--knitting more
--can we live a non-digital life?
--my word for the year
--nailing down 2011 goals
--how cool it is that I can video chat with my sister
--wishing my sister lived closer
--Elder Christopherson's October 2010 conference talk
--getting a job
--budgeting
--saving up to go to New Hampshire in September
--making a menu for this week
--trying new recipes
--sushi
--how much i love my Sunday naps
--a sewing lesson plan for Tess & Megan
--why it's so cold outside
--sitting by the fire and reading
--rereading Extremely Loud & Incredible Close
--what I'm grateful for today
--hoping the act of thinking about what I'm grateful for at the end of each day will help this year be more full of light.
--taking more videos
--running a 1/2 marathon

etcetera etcetera...