best start

[photo by adam | it's so nice that he knows me well enough to document this moment without me having to tell him to.]

Although my birthday was full of good moments the most memorable was the one first thing in the morning. Waking up to little feet running up and down the hall, back & forth whispers, all of them huddled, pressing their ears to the door to determine whether or not I was up yet. They were excited to showering me with handmade birthday cards and breakfast in bed, all of it of their own doing, so I didn't make them wait too long. Once adam walked out and gave them the ok, they ran in & cuddled with me in bed til I was ready for any kind of bright light.

Waking up to them, their excitement, their thoughtful notes that said "you're the best mom ever", "you are sweet", and "I love you"--well, nothing can beat it. It was the best way to start my day.

Thirty-five

When I was headed to meet my family for lunch this afternoon I thought of this picture of me blowing out my candles on my second birthday. I don't remember the actual moment, in fact so many of my childhood memories are finding their way to that forgotten place deep in my mind, but I can recall the times I looked at this photo while growing through the years and I can remember German chocolate cake with it's pecan and coconut frosting to be a favorite of mine.



Immediately upon finding this photograph I was draw to my mother. I couldn't help, but think of this picture I took of myself in January and couldn't believe the resemblance between the two of us--her dark hair and eyebrows, distinct cheek bones, hair identical in style, and even wearing an outfit I might wear today.

If I have my math right, and I'm certain I do, my mom is 30 in this photograph (or days from turning 30) so I'm a few years older than her. I'd be celebrating my seventh birthday in this picture if my mom was 35 and it occurred to me more than before the way our lives mirror each other. She was here once, living the life I live now--young family, small kids. I imagine if I read her journals from those years she would share some of the same worries and concerns, have the same sort of dreams, and long to be the best wife and mother she could just like me.

From generation to generation big things change, life experiences make imprints and change our direction, but the little things, they stay the same. What was important to her then is important to me now. I think this must be God's way of telling us how much we need each other. She has wisdom that I need, she's done this before, and can't imagine a better woman to learn from--the woman who is responsible for my birthday.

I feel extremely blessed to have so many amazing people in my life. I would not be the person I am today without each one. And I say that with all sincerity. So thank you. Thank you for your friendship and love. Thank you for always reminding me that I am better than I think I am.

xxox,
amy gretchen

ordinary life

Time stands still best in moments that look suspiciously like ordinary life.
~storypeople

everydayness

I'm not sure how February got away from me so quickly when January seemed to drag on. Seriously, January felt like four months and yet February only a flash. Guess I just needed to get over that gray hurdle. At any rate I feel like I've missed so much amongst the whirlwind so here is a bit of an update in photos.


Our school periodically puts on fundraisers at local restaurants where a portion of your meal goes to the school. This time it was 30% (much higher than anything they've ever given) and an opportunity for a burger so we thought we would support. It was actually a lot of fun to have the majority of the restaurant filled with the girls' friends. I'll I can say for the salad in the photos is that I was meeting up with friends later that evening and going to dinner with them so I opted for something lighter.


For Megan's valentine box we made a cat out of a fishy cracker box.


Cookies with a message. The girls and I made these Valentine goodies using these cookie cutters from William Sonoma.


FHE lesson on life's ups and downs tailored to what the girls might be dealing with right now. Ended up being a really great family discussion.


The weather has been snowy and then warm, snowy and then warm, which means the girls are out riding scooters one day and then it's buried in snow the next. Trying to help them see why we put away our toys after we've used them--not sure it's working.


case in point...


Bella and Megan grew out of their violins so we took them to Charles Liu and exchanged them both. Upgrading as you go is definitely the way to do it.


Marshmallow art. Have you ever done it?

Have a good one.
xo

long weekend

one word can sum up the whole of our holiday weekend...snow & lots of it.

**what did you do?

the art of the crepe

Crepes are quickly becoming a Sunday night tradition in our home. Not only do I need to stock up on tortilla chips for possible nachos or popcorn for a salty snack while watching AFV, which happens frequently on Sunday evenings, but now I need to make sure we have nutella, whip cream, and bananas on hand. I don't even have to ask anymore if crepes should be made--it is a given--and no one knows how to make or eat a crepe quite like Megan.


First, she makes the perfect crepe. For a 6 year old I'm quite impressed by the remarkable skill she has for putting together a pleasing looking crepe. Doesn't it look professional?


Second, go straight for the whip cream on top and eat in one bite.


Third, now that the crepe is fully manageable, ditch the fork, pick it up and eat like a sandwich--must use two hands so as not to loose all the delicious goodness inside.


Fourth, eat and enjoy.

I shouldn't do post about food, now all I want is to go make another.
Will you make crepes this week?

ciao.

P.S. I just wanted to thank all of you who took the time to leave a comment or email me regarding my previous post. Your support and encouragement is greatly appreciated. I know in the grand scheme of things this isn't a big thing, she will get the help she needs and on the right path, but in our little world it means a lot. So thank you. thank you very much. xo

Knowledge is power.

Knowledge is power.
Knowledge is power.
I have to keep reminding myself of that when all I want to do is close my eyes, plug my ears, and hum through all the words being spoken. Sometimes it hurts to know. You expect life to go one way and when you're hit by a curve ball you want to stand up, shake it off and yell I'm ok. Everything is ok. When it's not though, knowledge is the first step. Actually I'm thinking maybe admitting is the first step. So I guess we're at the second step and now that we know we have the power to do something about it.

The thing is one of my girls is really struggling in school. It came to me as a complete shock one day when I was volunteering at the school. The teacher just kind of vomited all this information on me and took me completely off guard. I mean, I knew she struggled with reading, but didn't know it was bad enough where the student teacher would be saying something like, "what do we do with her?" So we set up a daily schedule and we worked to help her improve and she did. What we were doing at home was making a difference at school, however, the improvement seemed to be short lived. A few months later another stream of information came at me again about how she's struggling and not making it. Again frustrated, begging for ideas of how I can help, what I can do, and with each time seeing some improvement--but apparently not enough.

Then yesterday it all sort of came to a head. I think they (teacher & student teacher) were hoping all this time, as the year progressed, that it would begin to click for her--it's not clicking and she's pulling further away from the class, but that's not the hardest part. My daughter is a pleaser and wants to do well so the most frustrating piece to this whole situation is that she is trying her best, but just not making it. Can I tell you how much this hurts my heart to hear/see? She has been working so hard all year, but she's just not getting where she needs to be. Yes I am intentionally being vague about all the details, but what I'm hearing doesn't sound like something more hours with a tutor can fix.

So I've been doing some research, trying to figure out what the next step should be. I've been wondering if maybe she has some kind of learning disability. I don't want to label her in anyway, but knowledge is power, remember, and if I can do something more to help her I will. When I brought this up to the teacher during our conversation she said, by law, that wasn't something she could discuss. Seriously? All this politicking has to stop. We are talking about a little girl who needs help.

Now I must stop here and say, her teacher is a dream. A dream. I could not have hand picked a better person to be with my child this year if I tried. She has been a gift and blessing to us. I believe she loves my daughter and is willing to do whatever she can to help. I have been forever grateful for her patience, for the extra attention she has given my child, and for caring enough to not let my daughter slide by unnoticed. So my little girl is lucky. She has a lot of people looking out for her and a lot of people in her corner wanting to see her succeed and ready and willing to do whatever it takes to help her get there.

Her teacher did end up giving me some suggestions and a few places to start. She keeps telling me what a visual learning she is and how a lot of these tests are not tailored to visual learners so maybe that's all it will be, but regardless of what it is or isn't we're taking the next step.

Needless to say this subject has been nonstop on my mind since yesterday. I've debated back and forth whether or not to share it--I don't want to harm or embarrass my child in anyway. However, I believe in the power of sharing with each other. I'm hoping by putting this out there that some of you may be going through or have gone through a similar experience and can help point me in the right direction. Help me know what to do to keep it a positive experience, after all, all I want is for her to be happy. I want her to feel successful and to have confidence in what she's doing. Although education is a huge part of childhood it is not the only part and she excels at so many other things. I just want to empower her and help give her what she needs so she can succeed.

thanks for listening.
have a great weekend.

xo g

sometimes bed can wait

Tonight was one of those night where all I really wanted to do was get in bed. From the moment dinner was over and the dishes were underway I could think of nothing else. As Adam was walking out the door I asked the girls what their plans were for the next hour and they said, "playing a game with you." I took a deep breath, seeing my evening plans crumble, but knowing my bed could wait a little longer, I asked, "what game?"



Jenga it was.



It took a game or two for everyone to find their "jenga" rhythm, but we did get there and we had the best time doing it together. I'm grateful tonight I listened to them and not my achy body because I'm going to bed with a bigger smile, a fuller heart, than when I started.

xoxo

sometimes it's best said with a heart

Today I've been thinking about my neighbor, a widower, who is celebrating Valentine's for the first time without his wife. I'm thinking of a few of my friends & loved ones who I imagine today to be a struggle based on their current situation. I wish there was something more I could do to ease the pain, the loneliness that I imagine is deep in their heart and felt so acutely on a day like today.

My dad's simply advice keeps coming to my mind, just love 'em. Right now I think that's all I can do and pray it's enough. So to all of you out there I'm sending you my love on this Valentine's Day & a little message from a heart....



sweet pea
u can do it
step up
say yes
reach for it
game on
love
it's time
play now
time to dance
shake it
wink wink
all good
i heart u
xoxo

g

12of12 | February

[click here to enlarge]

01. I had to be up early to be to my local Stake Woman's Conference so I tagged along with Adam and the girls for breakfast. There was a lot of jokes and silliness going on in the car on the way there. I think I'm missing out by not accompanying them every Saturday.
02. Just something very candid about this photo that I love of the girls eating breakfast. Megan making a mess and licking the cream cheese off her fingers, while Tess is getting town to the business of eating. I can almost her saying, don't bug me, I'm eating.
03. Adam drawing pictures for Tess on our wall chalkboard.
04. My friend Meili is doing the 12of12 challenge with me this year. We were at our meeting enjoying lunch and both taking pictures.
05. Flower centerpieces--had to have the color.
06. Leaving my house for the third time I noticed Bella sitting quietly in the basement just thinking. So her.
07. My friend Marissa and I took a self portrait in the heart balloon decoration on our way out.
08. Taking a moment to write a letter or two.
09. Hit the post office drop box before going to the grocery store.
10. The grocery store was dressed to the nines with Valentine decorations and gifts, except I did notice they were already putting out Easter. I mean they couldn't have waited until Tuesday?
11. Making pizza with the girls for dinner. This has quickly become our weekend go to meal. Thank you Pioneer Woman for the dough recipe.
12. The sunset. Can I just say how much I am loving the lingering light in the evenings.

It was a really enjoyable Saturday and hope it was the same for you. My only regret is that I didn't spend nearly enough time outside. It was an unseasonably warm day--I could use more of those. If you played along make sure and share using the link below. Looking forward to seeing what you were all up to.

12of12 reminder

Can you believe it, it's that time again--tomorrow is the 12th. It was a lot of fun last month to see so many of you participate so I hope you are all willing to give it a go again.

If you are new to 12of12 find out more about it here.
If not, if you're a seasoned player...consider yourself reminded.

xo

lately I've noticed...

...when I smile at random strangers they always smile back.
...the birds singing in the morning.
...I get my best ideas at night.
...when I exercise I sleep better.
...when I do a lot of photo editing I always walk away from the computer with a headache.
...when I'm sick and confined to my bed I love watching cooking shows and dream of making new recipes.
...when I start the day with prayer I'm better able to handle what gets thrown at me.
...when I get in bed on a cold winter night after Adams already fallen asleep I get as close to him as I can without touching so I can soak up his warmth.
...I haven't watched tv all winter.
...I listen, unconsciously, to about the same 100 songs.
...there is new life growing on the trees.
...it's still light outside when we sit down for dinner.
...how much sweets are winning over savory.
...the delightful chatter between my girls in the morning.
...I much prefer paperbacks to hardcovers.
...how quickly a year flies by.
...transitioning from one stage of life to another isn't paved with smooth roads.
...we need each other.

peeling away the layers

My dear friend Eryn came to visit me yesterday to talk photography. I was looking forward to seeing her, I only have a few more months before she leaves me again, but was hesitant about the rest. I guess you could say I haven't been motivated at all to do anything creative, let alone taking photos. It's a good thing she came and gave me a big kick in the pants--I needed it. She has always been good at pulling me out and making me do things I don't want to do, like blind dates. Oh the story I could tell about the two of us, but that is for a different day. Suffice it to say, this woman is good for me.

Turns out she wanted to discuss my process. Why I take what I take? Funny, I'm not even sure I know myself. I think that's a hard thing to try to explain. Back in the day I bet I could have explained it easier, but now it's something I don't even think about it. It's very intuitive, second nature, and I think that's why, besides the fact that I'm roaming around in nature, shooting has the ability to calm my troubled heart. It feels very peaceful.

It was hard at first, to talk through what I was seeing and why I was drawn to certain things--the shape, the color, the lines. She had to keep pulling it out, encourage me to talk while I shot. It's not that I didn't want to share it's just that it didn't feel natural. I think I must have kept falling back into my groove because she kept laughing at me when I would move on without a trace. Eventually we were both doing our thing in my front yard, peeling away the layers as the morning heat up, and I felt like me again.





















Afterward when I saw what she captured I wondered why on earth she came looking for advice from me--the girls got skills. I hope you know that Eryn. Now it's my turn to kick you in the pants. Thank you for getting me out there.

xoxo

needles and yarn

Megan and I have been knitting. Yes knitting! Ever since I tried to teach Bella to knit and it didn't catch on--apparently it just took too much time--I was discouraged and thought knitting was something I wouldn't get to pass on. In fact, I often think that about the stuff I love to do--wondering if it will be something my girls and I will have in common.



Well apparently we do. A few weeks ago Megan asked to learn. I'm thinking maybe it's the sewing lessons or the fact that she's been watching me knit this winter, but whatever the reason she wanted to learn and well, that was all the encouragement I needed.

Can I tell you how fulfilling it is teach my daughter something I love to do, something that, although was not passed on to me by my grandmother personally, continues to be the one thing that connects me to her? You may have had this experience already and know exactly what I'm talking about, but teaching my girls what I love to do provides a fullness I'm not sure I've experienced any other way. Sitting side by side with her, enjoying the babbling of her thought process, hearing the needles work there magic while knitting away makes all the stresses of life fade.



I'm really hoping this is not a phase and something that will quickly get pushed to the side when more exciting things come her way, but if so I will not get discouraged. I have no doubt if she looses her way that eventually, like me, she will find her way back. But I'm getting ahead of myself too much, who knows, this might be something she will continue throughout her life, and she should. She's definitely got it in her--for a beginner she has the skills and picked it up rather quickly. For now though, I'm not trying to think about it too much, I'm just enjoying the times we've spent together on the couch together with needles and yarn.

Happy Tuesday!

xoxo
amy gretchen

inching my way back

Apparently I've taken an unsolicited internet break. It's not something I had planned on doing, it was just something that happened. This week my minds been heavy and I haven't really had anything to share. In truth, I'm not even sure I do now, but for whatever reason I am inclined to write. I actually had to go back to my blog to remind myself what was the last thing I wrote about. I didn't realize it had been a week since I blogged, and yet I did know because I haven't really stepped foot in my studio all week. I mean, aside from helping Megan with her Susan B. Anthony biography report, I haven't touched my computer. I'm just now importing photos from this past week and reorienting myself with my machine.



So what have been doing with my time that I usually use to post? One word, reading. Escaping into someone else's world so I didn't have to think about the heaviness in mine. Do you ever do that? Of course often times reading just gives me more to think about. I love it when a book teaches me, inspires me, or in this case simply reminds me to keep moving even if it's only an inch at a time.

These two quotes have been on my mind since I heard it while listening to Cutting For Stone. I enjoy the productivity that can be had while listening to a book, but have decided the downside to it is 1) you don't get to smell the book and 2) once I'm done I have to search around for all my randomly placed slips of notes.

"The key to your happiness is to own your slippers, own who you are, own how you look, own your family, own the talents you have, and own the ones you don't. If you keep saying your slippers aren't yours, then you'll die searching, you'll die bitter, always feeling you were promised more. Not only our actions, but also our omissions...become our destiny."

"She died chasing greatness and never saw it each time it was in her hand, so she kept seeking it elsewhere, but never understood the work required to get it or to keep it."

Have a fabulous weekend everyone and thank you thank you friends for helping the heaviness ease.

xo

simple pleasures

When you put on a movie with popcorn you don't even know there's kids in the house, let alone six.

My friend's out of town and I've had her three since yesterday. It's actually been fun to have a shadow again--her youngest is four and has been keeping me company while the others are at school. Besides the change it was to my day, having them here has been a huge hit with my girls. Since we don't usually have sleepovers, except with family, they were stoked to be able to do it on a school night and then come home and play some more. I keep wondering if they're going to get sick of each other, but so far it has been nothing but good times--and how could it not? They've made their own personalized pizza, watched movies, danced with abandon, played outside, enjoyed bowls of popcorn, and slept in a fort.

Oh the simple pleasures of being a kid.

thursday miscellany

I have been crazy for reading since January began. I can't understand what it's about since last year I gave such a poor reading performance. Perhaps it has something to do with hiding out from the gray January days, who knows, but for whatever reason I find that I cannot read enough. I just started Major Pettigrew's Last Stand, which I am thoroughly enjoying--great writing, great characters, great story--really digging it.


This is a typical scene I watch unfold every morning after the girls have brought up their school paraphernalia & get ready to head out the door. On this particular day Bella is busy lecturing Megan about treating her violin case with respect. Of course the boots, blanket, and multiple stuff animals are Megan's loot that she brings up with her every morning--her Kitty and pillow pet, known as Pandy, are never far away. It's become part of my routine to get them back to their proper home once the house is quieted down.


Have I told you yet that I've decided, unequivocally, that I am not a painter? Feels good to finally admit that. And it's not even that I think I stink at it as much as I'm not even sure I enjoy it like I use to, though I'm quite certain those two things are related. At any rate, I played around last weeks with some friends and after staring, for far too long, at a masterpiece gone wrong Jenica helped me, in the end, mess it all up.


The January gray is seriously messing with my chi, and while I know we've had some good and sunny days mixed in, I think I'm just done with it--like when I said I was done with it two weeks ago--done with it.

mindful

I started reading Crow Lake Sunday night and found myself grateful I had picked it up while I was alone--Adam was out of town--to devour the words. Mary Lawson, the author, captured so perfectly the moments you go through when someone you love passes away. The way your life slows down and you remember all the pieces of the moment & the moments leading up to it as if burned in your memory. I finally had to put the book down as I found myself reflecting with the author about my own experience and how they compared.


[iphone instagram app]

The day before my brother died, Sunday, I remember like it was yesterday, the way he stood up after church, gave my sister and I a hug at the same time and said, "i love you guys". I remember how we both randomly ended up at my cousins that evening. I didn't know he was going to be there and vice versa, it just happened that he showed up with friends and we were all hanging out. It doesn't seem that random, except it was, that had never happened before. I don't recall the specifics of what was said or even if we hung out that much, but I do remember being in my aunt's bedroom and he was there and I think maybe he was making fun of me about the boy I liked. There was some lively banter, though like I said, it is vague. Then I was at the door leaving, he was there too, I swear he was teasing, he said something to the boy, but the memory is faint, and then I left and that was the last time I saw him.

When I roll these images around in my head of those final moments I am disturbed by the large chunks of time left missing. I don't remember what happened after church to the time we saw each other at our cousins. I don't remember if we had dinner as a family or what we talked about, I hope we did, but I don't know, that time is blurry--and so is our goodbye. I think maybe if I spoke with some of the people there that night I may be able to piece it all together, get a better picture, in fact I'm almost sure I could, but it bugs me that some moments are held tight while others drift away.

I never really made a connection until I was reading Sunday and it got me thinking about my final goodbye with my brother that goodbyes are not something I take lightly anymore. Death changes you. It just does. If you've been through it, you know exactly what I mean and while we all mourn differently and at our own pace, at the other end we come out of it completely different--changed. It's impossible not to, tragedy does not leave one unscathed. And in this one thing, parting, I am completely different than I once was. Goodbyes hold a lot more meaning to me now, and I know this is going to sound completely insane and morbid, but you never do know when it will be your last. In all our years of marriage there have only been a few times where I've let Adam leave on bad terms and let me just tell you, I can't go a few hours without calling and making things right with him. Mostly I end up at the last minute, just in the nick of time, running down the stairs and seeing him get into his car, me waving from the door and telling him I love him--you just never know.

And it's not so much the saying goodbye as much as it's remembering that moment. When the girls leave for school I love them up, send them on their way, and watch them disappear up the hill. It's not really something I do consciously, I'm not standing there wondering if it's the last time I will see them, but deep down I think I'm trying to burn the memory of that moment into my brain. And not even in the case of death, more so, I do it so that I'm present right then and I'll have it to recall on later. I guess you could say remembering has become vitally important to me and don't doubt it has something to do with why I document my life. I don't want to forget where we are or where we've come from.

I guess you could say my experience with death taught me that I want to live a mindful life. I'd like to say that I'm awesome at living mindfully, that I've been living that way since that fateful day in 1992, and even though I don't think I do such a bad job of it, it's still something that I'm continually perusing and working towards. I want to be present in the moment, to be aware of who's around me and what they need, to be mindful of the time given, to be grateful for what I have when I have it now--not when it's gone.

I wish that was a lesson I could have learned another way, but I am grateful, today, that I learned it nevertheless.

xxox

i want to go to the east coast.
i want to take pictures of interesting doors and see what lives behind them.
i want to dance with abandon.
i want to enjoy the art of cooking.
i want to eat spicy food.
i want to be hear the ocean crashing against the shore.
i want to get lost in a field of tall grass.
i want to go to a place where all they speak is french.
i want to try a zumba class.
i want to write a memoir in short stories.
i want to live mindfully.
i want to try something new.
i want to learn how to play the guitar.
i want to laugh more.
i want to finish my photo books.
i want to see more color.
i want to feel warm breeze against my face.

see good days

...love life, and see good days...

1Peter 3:10

another day

I wish today could be one of these types of days, quiet, slow with some time in bed reading, but alas it is not. I'm not complaining though, I did it to myself. This past week I think I had a little too much quiet, slow with some time in bed reading, which is why today is so busy with last minute items.

--I'm finishing up with photos from a maternity shoot I did last weekend.
--Running errands like getting ink (had no idea I was out. could have been really bad had I waited to find out til tomorrow) and going to the grocery store
--Working on Sharing Time for tomorrow. If you don't know what that is, it's a 20 minute presentation for the Primary children at church.
--Helping Tess put together her science project board. All I can say is if I do another science project in my lifetime it will be too soon.

All and all it's not hard stuff just busy time consuming stuff, stuff I should have been doing all week because let's face it, I've had those items on my to do list since last week and kept saving it for another day. The problem with that is "another" day always comes when you're hoping to spend your time doing something else. sigh.

**Do you ever do that, put stuff off for another day?
**Are you in the middle of a science project?

her comfort

around here most things change, but some still stay the same.



Her kitty, her comfort as I use to call it, is now gray and ragged, no longer fluffy pink as it once was. It's felt a lot of love from the arms of this little one.

I took this photo above a couple weekends ago and didn't realize how similar it was to the photo I took of her on her 3rd birthday until I uploaded it. She was taking a nap and I needed to wake her up, we were heading somewhere too unimportant to remember. I didn't want to disturb her, not only because she looked so peaceful, but you know how it is to wake a sleeping child. So i sat on her floor, my studio now, and watched her for what seemed like a good while--her deep breaths the only sound, the heat of the room dampening her hair, her slight turned down frown.

It was hard to imagine then as I watched that I would one day be where I am, where we are. A gray ragged kitty, a little girl trying to be a big girl making a life for herself out in the world.

Perhaps I should have had one or two more children to put distance between now and then so the weight of growing out of stages could fall on a different time, but if I'm being completely honest with myself it's not more children I want, it's more time. The time comes, as it always does, when you want the days to slow down and the moment to stay a little longer. When you'd give anything to carrying them around the house like you use to. When all you want is to hear them come to the side of your bed and wake you from your slumber just to be with you.

It happened last night. It hadn't happened in so long, a night time visit that she sacred me to death--I wasn't expecting her. As she worked up a good cry about how she couldn't be in her bed and her sisters wouldn't let her in theirs, I knew I was needed. So I walked her to her room as I'd done so many times before, laid with her til her breathing got deeper and slowed down considerably, and then with a kiss on the head, I slipped out as if I'd never been there.

Time is a funny thing. It doesn't really wait until we're ready or ask if we want to move on it just goes--constantly. All we can really do is go with it and hope what they remember aren't the times we weren't at our best and got impatient with them, but the moments together where we laid with them, held them, comforted them like an old gray ragged kitty that they've always been able to count on.

detour-ish kind of day

Some times it can be a benefit to leave your house at 6:30 in the morning. I guess you never know what might cross your path. This morning it was this view...



sort of took our breathe away when we pulled out of the neighborhood to see the city lights sparkling below a brilliant setting full moon. We were all speechless for a moment, it took only two seconds to decided, and then I turned the car around. No one was surprised at all to see us heading back toward the house--I think they've been with me long enough to know exactly why. The view was too stunning to pass up and luckily I had given enough time for this sort of detour.

It seems like it's been one of those types of days, a detour sort of day. The weekend was long, four days long, and while I should be catching up on all the house work that fell to the side while we took time off, my body is slower than usual today to get back into it. You see, I didn't sleep well last night and really haven't been since I mentioned it last week. I thought it was nothing, but now I'm curious as to whether or not my body is deficient in some key element and unable to completely let go. The lack of sleep has worn on me enough to where my long weekend was about catching up on what I had missed.

My head hurts, really it's my eyes, but I still managed to make it up to the school to volunteer in Megan's classroom. There were sufficient parents to cover the class and so I was going to leave as quickly as I came until Megan spotted me and begged me to stay. I milled around in my sweats and ponytail helping where I was needed, grateful I wasn't self conscious at all amongst the other "put together" moms. Even if I do know them I'm not afraid to be seen like I just rolled out of bed. Somehow I am confident in that, but perhaps I shouldn't be...

I came home, made dinner, folded some laundry and found myself on the couch finishing up the last 20 pages of Never Let Me Go. I know that doesn't sound too detour-ish, but I never read during the day, not usually anyway. I save that for the evening when everyone is in bed, which just goes to show you why I haven't been reading very many books. Seems I'm asleep as soon as I touch my pillow--the problem is staying asleep. At any rate, I was reading and crying and I can't even be sure why because I didn't love the book--I'm what you'd say, somewhere in the middle. It started out good, I loved the narrator, but then it took a different turn I hadn't really expected. Honestly I can't quite figure out how I feel about it. All I know is the story, their lives and what they were about saddened me and I long for them to have a better ending. Apparently sleep messes with my emotions.

And so here I am blogging, wondering what I'm doing writing such a random post? What I should be doing is taking a nap so I'll be lively when the kids get home from school, but honestly I'm trying to keep myself awake so I don't mess up my sleep for tonight. I heard once that the worse kind of torture would be to keep someone awake for days at a time. I am beginning to understand what they mean--I'm just not functioning in my same normal way. And I guess that's ok, every now and again you need a good detour. Except I don't know that I'd classify this as good, but it's most definitely detour-ish.

her widsom

A kinder gentler soul I could not meet and while she's so good and compassionate and loving to others, she is not very good to her. What I mean is, she doesn't see herself in the light that she sees everyone else. Watching her it hurts my heart because I know this is something she has inherited from me. I understand that feeling of seeing in everyone else all the good, but find it extremely difficult to look inwardly and see the same.



I found her one snowy afternoon during our Christmas break painting with her new paints. I watched her there for a minute, it made me so happy to see her deep in an art project, before I let her know I was there. Upon approaching her I caught sight of what she was working on--words, a reminder, and this is what it said,

art is the perfect talent for me! (don't forget)

My eyes swelled with tears and I almost lost it then, when i read her words, wondering if she knew just how powerful those affirmative words are. Sometimes our hearts lead us in places we don't feel adequate. We fall in love with something we don't do well or if at all. Tess loves art, but has often said she "doesn't feel good at it". Sound familiar? It does to me. It's hard to want to try when things don't come easy. Failure is a hard pill to swallow, but like J.K. Rowling said,

"it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all--in which case, you fail by default."

Our travels may come with failures and set backs, we may not be good at what we try first time, but at least that means we're living and inevitably those experiences will help us for the next time--for the next place our hearts lead us.

Tess not only are you an amazing artist, but you are insightful beyond your years. Thank you for reminding me that I am the only thing holding me back and how powerful my words can be at propelling me forward. Your truth is now my truth--art is the perfect talent for me! don't forget.


Have a great weekend.
xo