12of12

[friday, june 12th]

Our house went on the market this day in June, which meant we spent most of it away from home. We went to the bookstore and spend the evening with our friends. I spent the morning going through papers I should have been filing away while the girls occupied themselves with games and were very helpful keeping the house clean while we were here.

Sick to death of selling.

welcome back

I woke up to a quiet house this morning, Adam had taken the girls to breakfast as per usual, and I lay deep in thought perplexed by my own lack of desire that has loomed over me for months. I have lost a part of what I love about living and it appears I almost don't ever care. My studio door is shut, my desk clean...no longer appears to have been used, a thin layer of dust has formed and some how I'm ok with that.



This morning, though, after weeks of suppressing the urge to care, I wonder what it is or rather why the change of heart? After mulling over ideas and reasons, fear is what was left looking back at me.

I actually believe fear is a great motivator to help us fight for what we want. Sequichie Comingdeer said, "the death of fear is in doing what you fear to do." In fact, that's exactly what put me on the path to run a 1/2 marathon. I have never in my life been a good runner and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that I could face my fear and win. Unfortunately, and I think this is where it all began, I hurt my back and running my race was no longer a part of my immediate future. In my mind fear had won. I gave into those feelings and let it take hold of me. I let it happen because let's face it, life is easier when you are not propelled to become your best.

So I have been aimlessly walking. Hoping, I would, at some point find my way back when I knew, subconsciously, it was me all along that was keeping me from where I wanted to be. How can you have the answers, but not know how to use them? Because it's hard. Because it's uncomfortable. Because it doesn't come naturally. Because.....

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll keep getting what you've always got." -anonymous

I have a million excuses, don't I. The fact is I will never peel away the layers and find the core until I get uncomfortable, do what I think is impossible, and have faith that my efforts will be worth it.

Sigh.



In truth, as we know, this is not the first time I have expressed these feelings so why do I think today is different? I don't know that it is. But I do know that I have a renewed sense to get out of the place that I'm in and move forward. I guess, sometimes, that's all you need. And today it feels like enough. It feels good to believe that anything is possible again.

been away

It's 105 degree outside and while I sit here on the computer comfortable inside, I can feel the heat trying to make it's way in. Summer is officially here and wouldn't mind another rainy day to soften the blow.

I just up and left town last weekend. I've never in my life made such a snap decision. Wednesday I sat watching my girls swimming in the pool and thought I just need to get away from the crazy for awhile. I guess you could say I'm sick of getting kick out of my house by realtors at random times and thought getting away would help clear my head. And it has. I brought the girls with me and we're crashing with my parents. We've been swimming and reading and enjoying escaping from what is waiting for me at home...the inevitable move and all the work associated with it.

I was up into the wee hours of the night finishing Coming Home by Rosamunde Pilcher. Although I enjoy the way she tells a story and quite enjoy her characters, I was disappointed with the last 1/3. It was 977 pages so I felt I deserved a little more for getting to the end, but it didn't quite have the ending that makes you sit and think awhile. It was too predictable and not in the good way. Make sense? I brought with me "Angle of Repose" and am looking forward to starting that today at the pool.

Speaking of the pool, it's basically all we've done all week (it's all we really can comfortably do with the excruciating heat). I've finally gotten to the point in my mothering where I don't have to sit next to my kids in the pool. It's perfect here too because we've basically had the pool to ourselves so I can easily sit and watch and know where they are at all times.

I realize after waking up this morning that June is over and I didn't do a giveaway this month. I guess with all that's been going on and really my apathy to blog at the moment (not quite sure where that's come from, I have lots to share), it just didn't happen. Hopefully when I get back I will be rejuvenated and feeling more like me instead of feeling like life is on hold. And I guess that's where I've been and why I wanted to leave town. I hate the feeling that I'm just waiting for something to happen and waiting to find out what the rest of my life will be like when I know very well that life changes constantly...there is no waiting. In Coming Home Rosamunde states, "things only happen once...it can be a bit the same, of course, but never quite the same". So I am trying to remember that my little ones are only little for so long (savor it) and remind myself that in my situation I'm only faced with opportunities. Opportunities to bring us closer to the life Adam and I want. It's unfortunate that these things are not easily had without a lot of work and emotional uneasiness, but I guess if it wasn't a lot of work it wouldn't quite mean as much when you finally got it.

I guess that's enough randomness for the morning. I have lots to catch up on, but hopefully when I am home I will have time to do so and share a month full of photos. Hope your summer has been great.

summer of change

I knew when I married him or at least shortly after that Adam was a nomad. He doesn't like to be in the same place for too long. He likes to shake it up always inching his way closer to our dream home where I am promised we will live out the rest of our days. He's all about getting uncomfortable for the sake of bettering our lives. I admire him for this, though I don't easily share this same philosophy. Being uncomfortable is well...uncomfortable.

I knew this house we bought 4 years ago was not the end of the road for us, but I thought we had an understanding that the next time we moved it would be dream house time (so I'm thinking 15 years away). Well, Adam found his dream house for an attainable price Thursday, June 4th and that's where the talks began. He asked me to go see the house with him and I flat out refused and left it at that. There was no discussion, I just said, "No, sorry I won't. I don't want to move." Saturday he asked me again. At that point I knew, I just knew his search had begun and he was ready to move on. I went. It was magical. It's hidden in a canopy of trees. I could see the girls growing up there riding their bikes along the tree covered driveway. I could see the summer nights spent out on the porch talking. Laughing. I could see that the old busted house could be made into something amazing.

Still...I don't want to move. I love my house. I love what we created. I love my neighborhood/neighbors. I love the schools. I would have a hard time walking away from it.

With that said,



our house is on the market.

I can't tell you how hard that decision was and what it did to me the first time I saw that sign in my yard. My heart broke. Needless to say my first week of summer was consumed with getting my house ready for photos and showing to possible buyers. According to Megan the clouds were not the only thing crying all week. I joined them. I listened to a lot of mellow music. I changed my mind and begged Adam to keep our home until he said "ok" only to back down already knowing we are doing the right thing by selling. Maybe I just wanted to know that he'd be willing to give up moving for me. He would. I know he would because he is the reason I agreed to it. I see the wisdom in it. The market right now is ripe with opportunities. This move could be very good for my families future, but ultimately when it came right down to it, after taking all of my feelings and desires into consideration, I love him and if this is what he wants I am willing to do it.

So we're getting uncomfortable. We're going to see what happens. If our house sells we'll move. If not, we'll stay. Either way we'll be together (the 5 of us) so it doesn't really matter where we end up...even though it sort of does. :)

It's that time again

[may 2009]

hightlights from may
-keane concert with Lori & dinner
-6am bootcamp
-megan helped me around the house
-received sweet messages from Adam
-had lunch with Julia, Marissa, and Marilou (woman I served with in YW)
-girls came home hot and tired from school
-nice warm day
-had noodles for lunch
-was able to see adam off for work
-got home from concert at 11:45pm

It was a good 9 months

If I could tell the complete story of our last day of school in a photo it would be this....



Megan bouncing around being her cheerful self not in tune to the heightened emotions going on around her. Tess a little in different and bothered about the teacher she got next year. To be completely honest, I'm a little bugged as well only because it's the same 2nd grade teacher Bella had. It's not that I don't like her, I just don't want her comparing Tess to Bella because academically they are not the same. Tess' teacher did make sure to put her with her good friends so she has that to look forward to. Then there is sweet Bella in the background struggling to keep it together. In fact, she totally gave into her emotions and cried as she said good bye to her teacher (swollen eyes here). I can understand...I cried too. She's the type of teacher you don't mind your child spending 6 hours a day with. I'm not sure how it started, but they sure do have a special relationship. Her teacher even told me as we were leaving that Bella changed her in many ways...not sure what that meant exactly, but I couldn't have agreed more.

The last day of school the kids have an awards assembly. I never go because the kids haven't gotten awards, but I wish I had this year because they did. Tess got the Physical Fitness award (she still hasn't told me what it was for) and Bella got an award for being in the top 10% in the nation on her Iowa tests in reading & language. Needless to say I was more than impressed that someone from my genes could ever get an award like that (if you haven't noticed already reading & language are not my strengths). I was proud of them both and wouldn't you know, the awards fit them perfectly.


[megan art, may 2009]

So the summer has officially started for us. Do we have big plans? NO, not really. I mean we are going to do swimming lessons and the girls are going to do a theater & dance class, but other than that we don't have any big plans. I'm sure we'll go swimming a lot, have picnics at the park, club house read-a-thons, and hopefully time with cousins. I was feeling a bit intimidated weeks ago, but now I'm looking forward to the lazy summer days.

randomness

**Tuesday, Megan woke up with a tummy ache. I had a hard time believing it was the flu, but she proved me wrong by throwing up in the hallway on her way to the bathroom. She took it like a champ, like she usually does. It's interesting how chatting and witty she was after getting whatever it was out of her system. I got her all cleaned up and cozy in my bed and turned on a movie for her. She was asleep almost instantly. I was in my bathroom getting ready for the day talking to her when I realized she wasn't talking back. She slept from 9:30-1pm was up for a bit and then again from 2:30-6pm. I fully thought Adam and I were in for it, but she put herself to bed at 8pm after eating peanut butter crackers and slept through the night. This morning she's back to herself again. It was a weird, but quiet 24 hours.

**Tess got a Nintendo DS for her birthday and right away we had to put the rules in place. It's rules we had before, but over time have become lax with. The rule goes something like this: play the DS as much as you want as long as you've read just as much before. So if you read 20 minutes you get to play 20 minutes. Anyway, every day after school Tess and Bella, equipped with a digital clock, have been reading. All I can say is...it's working!



**The girls and I spent the evening in my studio. Bella and I set her up an email address so she could stay in contact with friends, her favorite teacher, and cousins over the summer. She sent out a few emails and even got one back. She was thrilled and excited about the power of instantaneous messaging. If she's this excited about emails I wonder what she will think when she grasps the concept of text messaging...hopefully she won't care for another eight years. While we did that Tess and Megan sat next to us painting. It started out civil and then got out of control messy. Paint all over the chair, the printer, the table, and them. Even my sink didn't fair well, it got just as blue as the rest (see it here). I kept it together though, reminding myself it's all for the sake of art. Luckily, acrylic is washable, but unfortunately not in white grout.

**Occasionally while at Target I'll browse the book section, I prefer to shop online (cheaper) or at Barnes and Noble...for the atmosphere, but I was in need of a book because I'm finishing up The Middle Place. I found Almost Moon by Alice Sebold thinking so many people loved Lovely Bones this must be decent, but still hesitant because I hadn't heard of it before. I was intrigued that the book covers a 24 hour period so I bought it. After I got home I decided to look at the reviews just to see what I was getting myself into. Can I just say, I'm so glad I did. Apparently there is a reason no one I know has read it. Loads of people gave it 1 star on goodreads and called it "disturbing". I guess there's a reason why I always stick with books my friends have read. I'm bummed I have to make another trip to Target this week...it's hard to get out of there.

the rain

It has been raining the last two nights. Raining isn't even the right word...more like pouring. Yes, it's been pouring. It's the kind of rain you want to run outside and play in. The kind of rain you get drench after only being outside for a few seconds. The kind of rain that brings with it big bursts of thunder and lightening. The kind of rain that's beautiful to watch.



I distinctly remember the storm on Megan's 2nd birthday, sitting in the doorway watching the rain fall so hard you could see it race down our hilly street. Tess, hidden under her sheets, was the only one not with us...watching (she was for a few minutes, but couldn't take the sound).



Megan sat on Adam's lap waiting for her party to start showing him what the sound of the thunder was like and as quickly as it came it left. It's amazing to me just how loud a thunderstorm can be and even more amazing how, like a light switch, it turns off completely and all your left with is the damp earthy smell.

Monday night was one of those nights. We had just come from making a few visits around the neighborhood and the rain started. We made it inside before we really got it, but just barely. With everyone in their jammies we opened our double french doors and watched the rain come down cozy on our bed. After the girls left us for the night Adam and I sat talking the rest of the evening until the rain decided to stop or else we got too cold...I think it was the later, at least for me. It wasn't what you would call a deep conversation, we just talked about life in the jobs, kids, & stories kind of way. He made me laugh as he always does and I like to think I got him too.

I'm beginning to think the rain has a way of gathering us all together. When mother nature does her thing we all want to be apart of it in our own way. I guess this is our way. Gathering in the safety of our home enjoying the sights, the sounds, the smells...together.

how to: etching

This is really so simple you'll think it's silly I am doing a how to, but you asked for it so here you go.

Step 1


Mask off the area you want etched. I use cardboard stickers because they are thicker and can hold up to the cream. There are also a lot of vinyl designs you can buy if you want to add a design like a flower. Make sure to really push the letters and tape down on the edge so you get clean lines. I use a bone folder, but be careful not to push so hard you move the letters around.



This is the etch cream I use. I bought it at Michaels Art & Craft store. I think this 3oz bottle was around $7, but it's been too long I could be wrong.

Step 2


Wear gloves to protect your hands, this is really potent stuff. Liberally apply the cream in the same direction. I use a foam brush and use a downward stroke. Make sure not to leave any holes. I have found when using stickers 3 minutes is max. I went to 5 minutes once and the cream started to eat away at my letters and I didn't get a clean line. This is my experience, but you can look on the back for direction.

Step 3 (sorry no photo)
Wash the cream off with water and then begin to pull off the stickers and tape. It may look like it didn't work right away, but once it's dry you will see your design.

Here's the final result.



See, so simple. It really only takes a few minutes and there's hardly any clean up.

good times

Why do good times like these...









always end like this?


[this is when she fell]


[this is when it was time to leave...saturday eve]

and the winner is

according to random.org

the winner is....Lindsay!

Congratulations! Email me (afmphotography@gmail.com) your address and the word you would like on the jar. FYI I think it works better with words 7 letters or smaller.

may giveaway

This month I'm giving away an IKEA glass jar that has been etched with whatever word you would like. FYI the jar will be shipped empty.

If you are interested in being part of the drawing please comment. You can enter the drawing up to Monday at noon.

summer of amy

I pulled a George Costanza and proclaimed, this was going to be the summer of Amy. I guess it ended the same way...me in bed. Of course I know the summer is just beginning, but starting off with my back messed up and not being able to run my race or do anything comfortably is depressing. I'm trying really hard not to let it get me down, there are other races and heaven knows there are a million things I am grateful not to be inflicted with, but it's really disappointing and I'm having a hard time letting go.

Thursday at Tess' birthday party my brother in law, Randy, asked why I haven't been blogging. Good question. I actually had to think about it because to be honest I didn't know. I guess, I told him, I've had nothing to say, other than what I just said and it could be so much worse I'm ashamed to express it.

So today I'm trying to make my way back, to think and talk about something else other than my injury like



...how I was able to pull off Tess' birthday party at the park.
...how I spent yesterday afternoon filling up water balloons for activity days, but didn't get to play with them.
...how Megan spent almost the entire day at her friends house.



...how I spent Thursday with Tess at her field trip (we went to see the play Johnny Appleseed and lunch at spaghetti factory).
...how Megan's teacher teared up when she said her final goodbyes telling me how much she's going to miss her.



...how Bella's teacher brought the classroom guinea pig to our house because I wasn't able to go to the school and carry it to my car.
...how independent Bella has become.
...how I watched food network all last week while in bed and think I'll move my creative ambitions into the kitchen.



...how I finished To Kill A Mockingbird.
...how the girls had an Memorial day sale.
...how much I've been enjoying my music after I finally learned how to use itunes genius thanks to Jill.
...how enjoyable it was for me to look through old photographs while searching for oldies of Tess.



...how much the girls have played outside and the multiple injuries they've had.
...how I watched the sun go down almost every night grateful that another day would lead to more healing.
...how every day for two weeks Megan has asked me how many days until her friends party.
...how we only have 5 school days left.
...how intimidated I am about school ending.
...how incredibly sweet Adam has been to me.
...how lucky I feel.
...how grateful I am it's the weekend.

seven

This is what seven years looks like....

2002




2003


2004






2005


2006


2007


2008


2009




Happy Birthday sweet Tess!! I love you to pieces.

teacher gift

Today is Megan's last day of school which means yesterday I was scrambling for ideas for a teacher gift since I've been out of commission all week. I guess this is the perfect example as to why I should be more prepared...you never know what can come up. Anyway, because I am still down with my back (seriously I feel like I will never be the same) I had to come up with something I could easily do.



With Adam's help getting the jars (IKEA) and filler, this morning I was able to etch the glass jars for a more personal homemade touch and fill it with swedish fish. It was harder on my back then I thought, but nice it was something I could do, for the most part, sitting down.



Here is the finished product minus the ribbon and tag. It is not what I had in mind a few weeks ago, but I really like the way it came together (the ribbon and tag really added). I still have two more week if I want to do something different for Tess and Bella's teacher, but I may just do the same thing.

Not bad for last minute, eh?

down for the count

How come it is that on Saturday after a long busy week I would give anything to lay in bed and read, but this morning when I am faced with the entire day in bed on my back I want nothing more than to get up and be productive? I am beginning to believe you always want the one thing you don't have.

This morning at boot camp everything was great, meaning I didn't have pains I was ignoring or anything, not that it wasn't hard because it was. Anyway, after the stretching when I bent down to pick up my things my back gave way and I almost collapsed. I have never in my life felt that kind of pain and I wasn't sure I would be able to get up or get myself to the car. I tried walking it out thinking, I simply could not have injured my back, but indeed I am injured.



Adam, who is well versed in injuring his back, gave me his advice that I have to rest it. If I try to do too much I will only prolong the healing. So I'm taking his advice and staying off my back as much as I can. It is definitely putting a wrench in my day/week, but I guess I don't really have a choice. I really need to get better.

I thought this would give me time to catch up on some blogs, but using my laptop is hurting my back, I can't get the right position so I picked up To Kill A Mockingbird instead. I haven't read it since High School and am quite enjoying it. I keep finding my mind wandering and going through all the things I would much rather be doing. My list does have a limit, but I would almost rather be doing anything else. I guess I'm fearful because I've never had an injury like this and have no idea how long I'll be down.

I hope your Monday is going better than mine.

a bagel story

Saturdays since spring 2002 Adam and I have had the tradition of getting a bagel on Saturday mornings. It all started because we would walk together on the weekends and conveniently we passed Einsteins on our way home. Once Tess was born the tradition went from the three of us to just him and Bella. He wanted to give me the gift of a quiet morning so he started taking Bella alone so I could sleep in after a late night with the baby. Eventually when Tess was old enough the three of them would go...and so it went until it was the four of them.


[layout from the early days 2002, click here to enlarge]

To this day the tradition continues and it's something they all look forward to on the weekends. I hear a lot, especially from Megan, "Is today bagel day?"...the countdown begins on Sunday. For the most part I don't go with them, it's their thing, but occasionally I will. They told me they talk about what's on their mind, which can be anything, like when I was told Megan proclaimed each boy in her class has a crush on her, and then sometimes Adam give them riddles to keep them thinking.










[photos taken last Saturday May 9]

I love that the tradition we had years ago of walking to the bagel store on Saturday mornings has transitioned to quality time with the girls. As we were walking out to the car after documenting the morning I thought, one of these days, in about 12-14 years, they will be adults (crazy thought) and I hope they will be as excited to go get a bagel with their dad as they were today. Other than living away from home, I can't imagine what would keep them away.

P.S. yes, we really ought to buy stock in Einstein bagels.

just the 3 of us

It's just Tess, Megan, and I holding down the fort tonight while Adam is in Vegas enjoying the 100 degree weather (not) and Bella is spending the evening with her best cousin Whitney. Jill graciously invited her over because her boys are at a campout tonight.

This evening started out rough for me after falling asleep when I got home around 4pm and not waking up until 6pm. I had a hard time recovering from my apparently much needed nap, I guess my 530am mornings are catching up to me.



Lucky for me I had Megan and Tess to force me out of it. We spent the remainder of the evening outside enjoying the weather. The girls made beds for potato bugs and we eventually went on a walk/bike ride around the neighborhood.

first step to making the perfect potato bug bed

picking the bedding

second step

making beds

third step

finding bugs


fourth step

introducing them to their new beds

It was a delightful evening that ended for them at 9:45pm. I fear mine will drag on much longer with my nap so I'm hoping the late night for them will mean a late morning tomorrow...especially since my early raiser is with her cousin.